It has been a very emotional day for me. I have found a lot of things to cry about.
The only thing I can put it back to is: losing a whole nights worth of sleep last night, pregnancy hormones, and a friend I have never met who had to "celebrate" her little girl's 1st birthday today...without her.
This lady got her baby girl for only 5 hours. FIVE. Last April, I stumbled across her blog...and cried. I was 7 months pregnant with Greyson and just could not even imagine how this lady was even continuing to breathe. I even wrote on her blog. Told her I was praying for her. I told my husband about it. I thought about it for a few days. "That only happens to other people."
So, now I am that lady who has lost something so precious to her, that others read about and cry over, but walk away and think it will never happen to them and then go on with their lives...like I did.
But now I live in that life....with her...with SO many others...your normal everyday girl who has to continue living and sometimes pretends life is good JUST to fit in with others around her.
One thing this friend mentioned in her writing today was comparing herself to Jacob, from the Bible, saying there would be a limp in her walk for the rest of her life. And how some people will see the limp and be comforted in their struggles, some will see it as a weakness.
The thought of walking with a limp so powerfully resonated in my heart and mind today.
Jacob Wrestles With God" That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon."
I don't consider myself to be someone great like Jacob or even to imply that I am fighting against God right now. But I have struggled with God. For almost 10 months. I have not overcome God, I haven't even tried, but I certainly have been in the middle of a battle, one that has left a mark; a scar; a limp.
Will I walk the rest of my days with a limp? Who knows. I have finally realized that I am not simply trying to get over something like I thought at first.
Greyson was not just a baby who died, she was my little girl. Tell me how you are ever normal after losing your baby girl? A baby girl you had named and had a plan for before you were a teenager? It's not just something sad that happened to my husband and I, she will always always be missing from our family (on earth). Having another baby girl will not fix things.
I do have hope--a very great hope-- that lil Squishy will bring us healing and laughter and maybe even less of a limp.... I feel like that is what God is wanting to do by giving us another daughter so quickly. And I praise Him for His wisdom. He knows us so well. Makes me cry. We asked Him to give us what we needed, not what we wanted. How do you even know what you want after losing your first baby, anyway?
After reading my friends blog today on her daughter's birthday, I couldn't help but think... "Oh, the coming dread for me.... that I always push to the back of my mind.....and pretend it's not going to happen."
I am honestly kind of freaked out when I think ahead to this summer. So much to handle.
Greyson's first birthday.
What to do? How to "celebrate"? How to not curl up and cry all day? Or all the days leading up to?
How to not want to die... how to plan something that honors her...how to keep myself remembering God's mercy...God's grace...God's gift...of another baby girl soon after "dealing with that day".
Only 11 more weeks.
The name we have picked out for baby girl #2 means: My God answers (in) dark fields. So fitting.
He answered our cry for Him to fill our arms again. He answered us in our deepest darkest hours. He knew the right timing. He knew the right gender. He knew it'd be a little added grace and hope to have a baby close to coming out in the days leading up to our 1st baby's birthday and Heaven Day.
He knew and He knows.
I love knowing Him.