Our 10 Favorite Baby Items from our First Year

So, our "rainbow baby", Blakely, turned 1 this past weekend! Her birthday Luau will be up soon!

Can't wait to share it, it was so much fun to celebrate her one year of life! I wanted to share our most favorite "must haves" that we have LOVED having for her during the last year! Just click the pic and it will take you to Amazon for more reviews and pricing!

 This swing was our favorite, out of 3 we had been given. It is the most simple and compact, meaning I could take it and it would fit in the bathroom while I took a quick shower. Haha.
Blakely would sleep in it while the swing rocked or vibrated. It didn't take up a lot of room, so we could take it on trips as well.


At 6 months old, we slowly began integrating solids into her food schedule. Her first taste of carrots was the funniest thing I ever seen and maybe someday I will get it posted on YouTube and linked to here. You can find it on my Instagram though! As I began feeding her, I began doing more laundry. She would wear bibs, but they either didn't cover all of her or she'd rip them off at the worst time. One of our top favorite things has been this coverall bib! Long sleeves, pocket in the front- best part: run it under water and wash with soap and let air dry for an hour and you are good to go for the next meal! None of this, going through 6 cloth bibs in one day type junk! Highly recommend! Buy it on Amazon for $9! Dude!


  Also, when she began sitting in high chairs at restaurants and eating with us, these came in handy! Kept her hands and her food on only clean surfaces!


 Jogger Stroller + Car Seat! This Baby Trend was by far one of our most used items! The car seat the just simply clicks in is perfect! Doesn't wake sleeping baby and also clicks right into the stroller for easy Out-N-Go! We loved it! As she has grown, we still use the other part of the stroller where she sits up. She uses the tray for snacks and can lay down for a nap as well. We love it!

We starting using the Angel Care System as soon as Blakely was moved into her own room at 5 months old. (We waited longer than most maybe) This system has been awesome and given us so much piece of mind. Because of losing Greyson out of the blue, we desperately needed to be able to put Blakely down to sleep and leave the room with only very minimal check-ins. We have loved loved having this monitor and will use it with every baby!


 This Bumbo was our favorite portable high-chair and it served as our only high-chair for awhile. It makes eating easy and simple. I began using it with Blakely when she was about 3 months old. She loved watching me curl my hair or do dishes. :)


 We purchased this rear-view mirror for our Jeep after about a week of trying to see what Blakely was doing without me having to climb back and forth. We do not have a Mini-Van ("yet" as my Dad threatens haha) so, going back and forth is not ok. :) When she was quiet, we could see she sleeping and now as she is older, if she was crying, we could know if it was just a fit or if she was in pain. Highly recommended!


Blakely began crawling around 7 months or so and wow, she was quick so...quickly. We thought our home was baby proof...but if it wasn't, she found out! Quickly, my days became very busy with just making sure she didn't touch certain things and trying to get her to leave our stuff alone and play with her toys... Finally, we bought this Play Yard. LIFESAVER! She is not in it all day, but a certain times, she does need to just be by herself and play while I get a few things done. We love it!

 My hubby's office gave us a Pack-n-Play as a gift and we have loved it! We started using it when Blakely was 2 months old. It is amazingly perfect- holds diapers, has a place to put a newborn and then a way to get rid of all that and just have a bed for a bigger baby. It takes 3 minutes to set up and tear down and is perfect for traveling, drop off at Nana's, etc. Fits easily into the back of a car. Blakely is 1 and still uses it 4-5x a week.


 Ahh, we love this cart-cover! We use it for high-chairs as well. Not too many places have acceptable places for a baby to be. Gross Walmart carts??!! No. And some High-chairs I don't even want to touch! So thankful for this gem to have to put her in!

There you have it!  Our top 10! :)

Green Grilled Cheese that even my 1yr old will eat!

I have made a "healthier" version of grilled cheese since I was pregnant with Greyson. It's so easy to add in some greens to this yummy sandwich.

I always add spinach and tomatoes and recently began adding avocado's, as well. I love sharing good food with Blakely, but she never has quite appreciated me giving her spinach leaves in our grilled cheese. It's hard for her to chew it up considering she only has 2.5 teeth.

So, I decided to try something new this past week.

I made grilled cheese like normal, good wheat bread, colby jack cheese and butter. While that was frying, I took my mini Ninja and put spinach and an avocado and garlic and herbs. It came out as this awesome paste that I could just "paint" right on our sandwich. Sorry I didn't get a close up. :( #fail

My 1 year old ate it right up, minus the tomatoes. She always wants to eat what I'm eating, so now I have to watch what I eat even more... or eat while she naps! :)

What a Difference a Year Can Make

We just finished celebrating our second daughter's 1st birthday yesterday.

What a joy it is to our hearts to be able to celebrate her....her full year of life.

After losing Greyson, I felt like there wouldn't be an ability to celebrate again. Pregnancy, birth, special dates, etc.
 It felt like death had swallowed up the joy that is supposed to be tied in with having children. All I had known was mostly pain.

We feel like the Lord has restored our hope with Blakely. Which is why we added that on to her name at the last minute.

Since we threw her a Luau (that she won't remember lol) the whole day was consumed with preparing and having fun at the party. I felt like I didn't get too much time to sit and reflect the miracle she is to my heart; how God has brought her to us to help heal and help us find joy and hope and a reason to celebrate again.

I was experiencing an array of emotions the week prior. I was so excited to throw her a party, so excited she was 1 now and out of the SIDS time frame, excited that she is getting bigger, sad she wasn't a baby baby anymore, sad her big sister couldn't be there to help celebrate, bittersweet when looking back over the past 2 years of carrying her and delivering her and taking care of her.

I remember the day she was born, we had the best Doctor and the most amazing Nurse. Both loved Jesus. So calming to me. Waiting from 9a-2p to push her out was the most stress and anxiety I had experienced the whole pregnancy. So thankful for the epidural to keep the physical pain at bay. I was busy enough trying not to have a panic attack; listening intently to her heartbeat.

All I had dreaded for 9 months was there...and my only hope was to come out of the next 36 hours with a living baby...
And praise the Lord, we did and we have her still.

We are so thankful for her and I am so excited to see the plans the Lord has for her. We will always celebrate the fact that the Lord chose to bless us with another baby so fast, and another little girl, to help heal our hearts.

(Sorry it's a bit blurry// a lil snuggly time before guests arrive)

Last year was a hard one at this time, preparing for her birth, trying to not get "too excited", but fighting the fear, grief, agony like a beast.  Then welcoming her into our family, trying to be a good parent despite the sadness still lingering and trying not to spoil her to much just because...we could. Fighting to enjoy and cherish every moment and not be in a perpetual state of fear every time we said good-night to her.

Within the last year, she has made me smile so often, laugh and find enjoyment in small little things. Her little squeaks and squished up nose smiles are heart-melting. Her little toes and the rolls on her legs, her cute little teeth, her beautiful eyes and starting-to-curl-perfectly dark hair--

...all of her is such a blessing to all of me.

SO thankful that days goes by and God allowed us to experience His love and grace and hope and mercy through His most precious gift.

(with the Greyson Bear) (2 weeks old)


One thing people would say after Greyson died, was that "time will heal" and "in time, it will get easier". I never believed them. I knew it'd get easier...for them. Not me.  I always felt so sad and hopeless wondering if I'd always feel this miserable forever.

 But, to be honest, in this last year of Blakely's life, I have felt that thing with time, as days go by, as we find joy in our second born little girl, the edge of sorrow from not having Greyson here with us is lessened.

 As each day goes by and we are able to enjoy her as gift, I feel so thankful that time has kept moving...and I have become so thankful in the difference a year can make.

Organic Baby Immunity Booster

This still has been so helpful to us as we have been moving and going back in forth the last few months!
We store it in an old baby food jar container and rub it on Blakely's feet and then put socks on her. We do this when she is not feeling good, has a cold or a fever and it definitely helps! We have done it today as a matter of fact, because she has been sick for a day or two.

What you need:
+old container with a lid
+ coconut oil
+Essential Oils (Eucalyptus and Four Thieves) (We love Eden's Garden brand!) (But we had some old NOW brand... (don't really like that brand anymore)

What you do:
Melt the Oil for about 20 seconds. (Use at least 2 tbsp, but it really depends on how much you want to have on hand)
Add 5-8 drops of each oil and mix.
This mixture will stay oil at 77' and warmer, and will harden when in colder temperatures.

Rub it on the bottom of your baby's feet and immediately put socks on. Otherwise you will have oil all over. :)
I use this sometimes when I am not feeling good. ;)

I got the coconut oil on Amazon and the Essential Oils from a Health Store and Online at Eden's Garden.

Life this Summer

Wow, I am terrible. I have missed Blakely's 10 and 11 month updates. We've been moving our stuff slowly to the Tropics since May. Moving makes you kinda hate all your stuff. :)

I will try to just condense her last 2 months real quick: 
She is eating everything but meat, drinking mostly water, some goat's milk...and still nursing 3-4x a day. We will probably be done nursing within the next 6 weeks. It's bittersweet, but it's getting to the point where she is antsy, anyway, so it's not as sweet and cuddly as it used to be. I will always cherish those (these) times with her.

She is crawling fast and standing for minutes at a time and taking 3-4 steps. She is learning to play good by herself finally...after giving her some boundaries ( A Play Yard!)
She used to hate traveling and now she is a pro at it! We are so thankful! 1,000 miles with a baby can be rough! But she has been so great at it!
She sleeps through the night still, but better now. I finally, 2 months ago, felt like I was catching up on my sleep!

 She is so so cuddly now a days, loves to cuddle with her blankies and her favorite animals, a tiny giraffe and a big puppy we got her at Ikea. It's so heart-melting.

She has 2 teeth with 3 on the way. She has a cold right now that somehow she caught from Florida to Indy. Boo.

 We are throwing her a Luau for her first birthday this next Sunday. Super excited to blog about that next week! Making all sorts of fun Hawaiian themed food!

Our life lately has been a little stressed. Packing, moving, driving, unpacking, sorting, settling, cleaning, etc. We have been able to go on more dates more frequently since we are in Indy and have family here, which is a life-saver. :)

DOING:
see above:)
+ planning her birthday party
+ exploring ways I can work from home a little and bring in some extra cash for us
+ enjoying the summer outside, swimming, walking, picnics, etc. she loves her wagon!
+ looking into decorating our new home in Florida

EATING:
+I just discovered I liked Mango's. :)
+Mostly Vegan at home (when out, we eat whatever! :) )
+detox smoothies ( I use Perfect Food Raw Organic Green Super Food)


GOING:
+back n forth to Florida
+Target 
+parks
+Nana & Papaw's

LOVING:
+the things God is speaking to me this week. He is trying to get my heart and attitude in check.
+listening to Bastille and John Newman and Hillsong.
+ that I am getting ready to set up my new coffee maker, so I can begin making Iced Coffee at home.
+ that my hubby bought me my own gym so I can work out at home. Haven't done a lot of that in the last few weeks because we've been so busy. Hoping to get back out there tomorrow.

LEARNING:
+being a parent can be rough. Working together with your spouse, trying to figure out how to discipline, giving your baby enough time to themselves, but time with you, learning how to be ok with not much time to yourself. No one really tells you.
+being a parent can be so rewarding and such a blessing.



Be on the look out for a new design and theme of my blog coming in the next few weeks. I am excited to add direction to my site and add more pictures and blog more often. :)

The Day She Was Mine

I remember right after having Greyson, exclaiming to my Midwife, I just could not believe this tiny little thing was actually mine.

I said, "I can't believe she's mine!"  Those words still get me today.

She was so teeny and cute and squeaky. Such a gift I had never experienced before, obviously.

I couldn't believe I was being entrusted with her ...
I couldn't believe that this precious little girl was what was moving all around inside me for the past 9 months.
I couldn't believe we would get to raise her and love her...and just have her as ours.
I couldn't believe how pretty she was.
I loved how she was born on June 11 and I was born on July 11, I loved that for some reason.

I couldn't believe she was mine.

As we try to celebrate her 2nd birthday today, I have been reminded of those words that came out of my mouth on this day exactly 2 years ago. I have been really off and on sad, mad, bitter, happy for her that today...she isn't really mine.

She isn't mine like I wish she was. She will be mine one day, but today she is the Lord's. She is His, as she runs through the pastures and streams and gardens of Heaven.

And she always was truly His. A gift He sent... on lease to us... for 2 short days that have changed my life forever.

We only got to enjoy her for what seems like minutes now, which I realize is more than some, but it will never be enough as I go about my life.

Wondering what we would have been up to today in my perfect world- opening pink presents, having a pink cake, picking out pink balloons, spending time with family, eating all her favorite foods.

Would she have a younger sibling by now? Wow, weird to even type out seeing as we have little Blakely... who probably wouldn't be here so soon after her big sister- I am sure of it.  Would they love each other? The only type of interaction I get to slightly imagine is the way Blakely adores and loves to cuddle with our Greyson Bear...

Asking the Lord today to hold her and cuddle with her like I would be doing, to tell her secrets about her Mom and Dad and her little sister that get her so excited to meet us, she forgets she may be a little sad that we aren't there yet. 

Missing her more than words....

So glad she was mine for a day or two...

Wishing it was so much longer...

 Thankful that she has changed my life in 2 short days

And that she will be mine again very soon.

Happy Second Birthday to my sweet Baby Girl. 

Officially OUT as long as IN- 9 months old!

Wow, time is flying!

With her friend Elliott. (3weeks apart)

 Trying to escape. Lol

Practicing her wave to Daddy!

I woke up this morning remembering last March, when our little Greyson would have been 9 months old, wondering so bad what it would have been like with a 9 month old baby girl and feeling so sad.

Such a difference 1 year makes, huh? 

Every birthday with Blakely is actually so bittersweet. I love being with her and raising her, but part of my soul is always sad for what I lost with Greyson. Every milestone and new trick I will not get to see with my Greyson- maybe ever, depending on how heaven is. 

And I can't believe I would have a two year old in 7 short weeks. Kill me. Oh my little itty baby G.... I so wish you were here with your little sister...and with your dad,...and with me. I will never stop believing you are actually gone ( like saying it to myself...did that really happen????) ( still in shock? I don't know.) I will also never stop wishing you were here.

Anyway, this is about Greyson's little sister today... Something to celebrate! We have a NINE month old!? Holy! how did that happen? I feel like in the last week, The Lord has really began to heal me, or rather, I am more open to allowing Him to begin healing my heart of the constant stress I had let seep in and control everything since Blakely was born. I am finally beginning to be able to enjoy having a baby. I was at a park on Easter, and He just said,"Myssi, look around, enjoy this.    Enjoy.

Enjoy it. Enjoy your living baby!"

Ever since then I have felt the tightness in the pit of my stomach start to erupt less and less. 

I am excited to see things a little differently before time just passes me by... excited to not close my eyes so often or clench my fists so tightly. (More on this later....)

So ....my second baby girl has officially been OUT as long as IN! That is something to be excited about. 

Personality

She loves to laugh and smile. Man, her smile is the best part of my day sometimes. She is totally a mama's girl still, loves to cuddle (yay!) and this month she began crawling all over the place and climbing everything. Was that last month? Hmm. Can't remember. Either way, I haven't been able to sit down much since then because we don't have yet what we need to keep her in a safe secure non-climbing place. Just today she bumped her head twice while climbing. It was so sad, some of her very first ow-ies.

 She is constantly greeted by strangers and it is just now becoming ok with me. Every single place we go, we talk to people. Side-note: I will be interested to see if this happens this summer in Indy.

 Anyway, I just now became even slightly interested in conversations with strangers. I'm still only ehh about it. Have my guard up for the dreaded questions. A lady followed me around Trader Joes last week asking me if my firstborn almost two year old was potty trained yet and giving me tips on how to get it started that very day. I was actually really appreciative of her tips and will use them with Blakely, but it didn't stop the sting of the real life fact of having two girls, but only one I get with me now and how people will just not let it be. 

Anyway, Blakely is sometimes shy with these people, she will hide her face in my shoulder, which I secretly adore. I always encourage her to say hi. Which by the way, she waves now. (Heart melt!) 

Anyway, I am praying for a softer heart towards these strangers that talk to us everyday... To be able to use our story to point them to Jesus... or even if Greyson doesn't come up, be friendly and so kind. 

She still has no teeth, just a few buds. That is ok with me.

She loves, loves, loves water. So it has been super fun to be able to see her enjoy different things like our pool, the beach, lakes, etc. 

She loves being chased by me, peek-a-boo and she loves little kids.

Eating

Enjoys anything I am eating, any time I am eating it. Well, I take that back....she *wishes* she could enjoy everything I eat, but I don't let her have some of the stuff I eat (honey, peanut butter, strawberries, etc. )

Each time I sit down with a bowl or plate or really anything that is going into my mouth, she is over with me in a snap. It's cute. 

She loves fruit, all fruit, especially frozen blueberries and bananas and clementines. She loves bread, bagels and tortillas, but we try to only give her tiny bits of those. She will eat most vegetables, doesn't like peas too much, but will eat like 6 or 7. 

Sleeping

She is doing really good right now. We pretty much take it a week at a time, because each week is sometimes so different than the one before. Right now, she is sleeping thru the night ---technically. Goes to bed at 7, wakes a few time for her paci sometimes, and has been going until 6 to eat again! Bt normally her "schedule" only lasts a few days and then changes. Like last night, she woke up at 3:45 starving. So whatever, right? At least we are getting way more sleep than last month! Very thankful. You go into it thinking you can handle it, then halfway thru, you go crazy. Haha.

Health

She is doing great. She was sick for the first time 2 weeks ago, then last week. Almost back to back. It was weird. She caught the head cold I got from her. Lol. So, my grossest moments with her have been the last 8 days dealing with all the drainage ....aka snot. Blarghf! Oh well, praising The Lord she is healthy now and hoping it continues! Going for her 9 month check up a little late (in 2 weeks) but excited to see how much she weighs and her height.

She is doing better at potty training this month, which is awesome!

We love her so badly ...as we say...and can't wait to continue to watch her grow!

Thank you Jesus for two little girls!

 

Only 3 more months left...

It recently dawned on me that our second born daughter will be 9 months in 10 days! Time has flown by! Gah. 

I am loving every minute I get to spend with her! She is such a happy baby!

I don't want her to grow up ...and I do. Mostly.... I just went her to turn 1 so I don't have to worry about SIDS again. 

Innocence was definitely  stolen from me after losing Greyson. I have love-hate relationship with every nap Blakely takes and every hour she sleeps at night. I can't stand how the memories of Greyson invade the beauty and joy of Blakely. But they do. I have no choice but to wander if "this is the last time I will get to hold my breathing baby" 

And please don't tell me I am not trusting The Lord.

 I am. At least I am trying to. 

I know His perfect plan and will, I am not stupid to think that by me worrying or fretting or praying extra hard I can change those things. He has the number of our Little Sister's days already chosen and He already knows what He is going to do with her life. (I am secretly so excited to see what He has for her!!! Ok, not secretly.) 

But all that said, I still wonder if she has the same "issue" Greyson had. Recently,okay, not so recently, but last November, I came across some really amazing new finds in the world of SIDS. Finds I hate and are stupid, but it's better, 1000% better, than what I was left walking out of the hospital with on June 13th, 2012.  It was an article that was basically saying that scientist have been working on SIDS and coming closer to a "reason" than ever before. When there is a cause, there could be a cure, right?! The things they are discovering have nothing to do with position of sleep, smoke, gender, mattresses, co-sleeping, etc. Instead it has to do with a lack in the brain, maybe of serotonin, they think.  They took samples of babies who died of SIDS, that is how they are coming up with this information. The brains were different of a baby who died of another cause.

 A reasonable cause. An understandable cause. 

SIDS is the dumbest thing because it doesn't make sense ....and all along professionals have been grasping at straws trying to tell us that it's the environment that causes a baby to die.

Big fat NO. 

Even right after Greyson died, I knew that there was something that just wasn't right in her brain. Something forgot to fire or spark.  But I couldn't prove it. 

Anyway, all this to say, SIDS still kicks my butt and I hate it, but I am glad there are scientists out there doing research. A screening or a cure would be amazing. 

Because ....my fear? This happening again. To us. When we least expect it. 

Anyway, here's to 3 more months! Praying I just have fun and enjoy them, not wishing them away! 

 

8 months old!

Today our little Squishy turns 8 months old! 

(Playing with her friends Alex & Asher)

Time is flying by! Some days do go so slow, while others speed by, but the months are going like crazy! It's so bittersweet!

We're having so much fun with her. Just this week she has decided to pull herself up onto e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. And if she can't, she gets all fussy. Reminds me of myself. Kinda determined and then kinda all upset if it doesn't work out. Yikes. 

Even today, she was up...and then she forgot she couldn't walk yet, but tried anyway. It was not too bad of a fall, but it sure scared her! I doubt that will stop her, but ya never know. 

PERSONALITY

She is such a Momma's girl right now still. Follows me around everywhere and wants to climb on me and be right next to me every time I come into the room she's in. I think she doesn't understand that she isn't apart of me. Haha. It's so cute. Hard to keep up with stuff sometimes, but it's ok. She has the cutest smile ever- so gummy, tongue out and nose crinkle. Love it! 

I feel like she could be a little strong willed, but that could just be me mistaken her newfound love of climbing for something it's not. (ie: must climb, if can't climb,gets mad) I kinda hope it's just a phase. 

EATING

She is eating a little more and more each week. She still loves her oats and last week she started eating black beans to my delight. Now her and I can share since Adam isn't too fond of them. ;) ( but he will eat them, so that's good)

SLEEPING

It's going much better this month. She seems to always go to bed between 7-8p, then wakes up to eat at 5:30. Then lately her and I will jump on our guest futon and sleep until 9a! HUGE HUGE blessing!  Gives me some much needed extra sleep. Hoping next week sometime to begin waking up at 8ish to get some stuff done.( quiet time, work out, etc) I require a lot of sleep, so the last 8 months have been rough. I have been trying to pray every night that God just wakes me up earlier. We'll see.

HEALTH

Still going strong and nothing minor or major sick wise.

RIGHT NOW 

She isn't really pooping on the potty chair because she's a sneak and goes the minute after she wakes up, so I never catch her. Bummed, but it's ok, we will pick it back up soon.

She loves water and singing songs still. She loves taking walks and loves to army crawl e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e!

She's so cute and the best little sister ever! So thankful we've has these special 8 months with her!

Homemade DIY Carrot Face Lotion with SPF 40

Ok, so tbh ( to be honest- for all people like me who just figured out what that meant!) this stuff, once carrot is added, doesn't smell awesome. But, I consider it worth the momentary discomfort for the value of the ingredient.

Ok, so what you need:

A container with a lid. ( I use an old GNC lotion container)

Coconut oil

Beeswax

Olive Oil

Shea butter or cocoa butter 

Vitamin E

Carrot oil

Glass jar

So, this recipes really depends on how big your container is. So I measure mine by sight and feel based on the container I use above.

But it's basically equal parts coconut oil and Shea butter and then 2 tablespoons or so of olive oil and beeswax. Put all this in the glass jar. Boil a few inches of water in a pan while stirring the items in the glass jar until melting. 

After fully melted,carefully remove the  glass jar and immediately add Vitamin E, stir, then add 3-5 drops of Carrot, stir, then ASAP pour into your container. Beeswax is a MONSTER to clean up, so I always use an old spaghetti sauce jar then throw the sucker away. Ugh, too much clean up.

I then put the lotion in the fridge for a few hours to set. Then it's ready to use and wow, it is so good for your face. 

At night, I also swipe the bottom of my foot with it. ;)

Wondering why Carrot Oil is so good for you?

This is a screen shot from my favorite Essential Oil company called Eden's Garden- read what they have this say! Also, this is perfect as a natural sunscreen as Carrot Oil has a natural SPF of 38-40!! The second highest natural SPF!! 

Life Lately

I wanted to try to update this once or week or twice a month from now on. We will see. I am always finding and trying new things that I feel like people should know about! Well.... Some things anyway, haha.

So here goes to our life lately.

DOING:
Here in Florida, we can be outside year round. So we try to always be doing something. Lately, Blakely and I have been taking morning walks (again) together. She loves looking at the birds, palm trees, leaves and the many many dogs. (People in Sarasota *love* their dogs!) She hasn't quite decided if she likes them yet. We also play outside on our big patio sometime,go to the chiropractor and Target.  I definitely don't do as much as I thought I would with her by this age. I need to always be considering naps and  she is always needing sleep! And huge bummer, so far she doesn't like the beach, the 2x she has been)....but that will change when she can play in the the sand I am sure.

Look at the little yellow bathing beauty!



How  I'm doing:
Decent. This week was Greyson's 21 month mark. I feel so sad sometimes, but still healing and joyful and full of life again because of Blakely. I can't imagine being where I was from June 2012-June 2013  again. I feel different from her, but not the same as I was before, if that makes sense.  I just am so thankful that God knows what He is doing. I am thinking ahead on how to celebrate her 2nd birthday. :(

EATING:
About 2 weeks ago, I really jumped ship of my bad ways and have began eating 90-95% clean again. I have been cooking a lot with oats for me and Blakely, adding them into Smoothies, making homemade cookies and protein bars. I love Oats. 

Anyway, I decided I need to begin praying for a change of attitude towards food-- eat to live, not live to eat. And also, removing the emotional aspect of food that plagues so many women, myself very much included. 

I feel like the LORD has been answering and changing me and I have been doing pretty good. I am trying to be flexible and allow myself some room to breathe, since this is a lifestyle, not a diet. So far I love it and feel wayyyyy better and have more energy.
Other than Oats, I am eating a lot of delicious Florida Fruit, avocados, romaine heart  and          spinach salads(yum!!) and some of this quality stuff...

Adding natural peanut butter to tons of stuff now! ( homemade Ice cream, granola bars, Greek yogurt, etc) And those almonds were....bomb!

GOING:

Not very many places, but still having fun. I am *going* to the gym almost everyday now, though.

Not that kind...haha.

I try to go during Blakely's long afternoon nap. I'm there for about 20-30minutes, lifting and doing interval running on the treadmill. People, I have been out of shape 100% since getting pregnant with Greyson. I walked a ton with her, but that was it. 

  

LOVING 

-the way I feel after a work out. (Stronger.)

-the way Little Squish crawls to me and sucks on my shoulder each and every time I pull her out of bed.

- the way she loves to be on top of me and with me every.single.second. Though it is hard to get anything done. 

-the way she talks now.

- being more mindful of being healthy....actually caring.

-Florida weather. No snow here!

- my Chiropractor! He has helped me so much with my back (pinched nerve and tilted hip) and neck (military neck) ahh, I was in so much pain after we moved, now it's way better. :)

- sunshine and vitamin D

MAKING:

Things like, our own foaming handsoap, playing around with shampoo (tired of paying big monies to strip my hair,) and healthy food and snacks. Learning how to make a lot of the cookie goods I love out of simple ingredients like coconut oil, cocoa, honey, oats, peanuts butter,etc. (Recipes to follow.) I'm also going to be trying a few new recipes for homemade bread next week. Tired of the junk they cram in store bought. ( seriously, do you even know?) Also going to be experimenting with these things called Soap Nuts next week! Eee, I can't wait! (For shampoo and possibly laundry detergent!)

LEARNING:

To pray more for my mouth, my temper and attitude.

Take the small moments I do have to read a devotional, pray,etc.

To play more with my baby and wait til she's asleep to do the stuff I need or want to do.

How to structure her day for her best well being. 

How to avoid some challenges with her. ( for instance, since gaining her independence and army crawling e-v-e-r-y-where... She no longer enjoys being confined. She would scream when I would put her in her Bumbo to eat. I,stupidly at first assumed she was in pain somehow. Nope, just stubborn and angry. So after she wakes up and nurses, I change her diaper and carry her right down to her Bumbo before she even tastes freedom. She hasn't screamed since I prayed about that one. 

It's tough being a parent. Need wisdom and discernment constantly.

FINDING:

These apps to be extremely helpful in the things I'm about.

-SkinDeep- scan your beauty products, see if they are good for your or not. Cancerous or not. Eee.

-Edibly- scan your food to see what is in it that is good or bad!

-Eat this, not That.

- Butt, Leg, Arm workouts!

-Fitbit

-Essential Oils are good for everything! Recipes to follow on my new DIY carrot face lotion! Loving  Eden's Garden brand!! Christian company and good therapeutic grade stuff! And ....cheap!! ( they cut out the middle man!)

To close, we are loving living here in Florida, Adam is loving his new job and the best part is it's remote, so we can be wherever we want to be and he is home all the time! 

And that's a wrap... 

Our little 7month old!

Blakely is 7 months old today!

We can't believe it! She is such a fun & curious little thing, we're so privileged to be her parents.

I have severely underestimated the role of being a Mom. I had no idea the unconditional love & joy she'd bring, nor the tiredness or work of dying to myself day in & day out. I love her so much & each day I get to be with her & teach her & help her grow, is such a blessing to my soul.

Here's some things I wanted to note & remember about her 7 month old self today ( sad I haven't done this her whole life, but maybe I'll start now!)

PERSONALITY
Over the last month, she has become way more serious. She has this cute little lip pursing she does when she's thinking a lot about something. It's so endearing. She will laugh mostly at me if were playing peek-a-boo or if I'm running at her. She gets freaked out by the slightest of noises- someone sniffing or sneezing, our Ac Turning on, a leaf blower outside. She loves itsy bitsy spider, Jesus loves me & Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We sing those plus a few more every night at bed time. She likes to read books & bang toys together. If she had her way, she would be on my right hip all day. She grabs & chews everything. She has also become a better traveler, more content & she loves going on walks, though she expires at about 30minutes. She loves to rough house in the early evening, it's adorable. She finally does a good job going grocery shopping with me (this happened at about 5 months). I could finally go & not worry about a melt down!
We don't go out too much- just to Publix, Chiropractor, Target & a few different parks for our walks. Normally on the weekend we go out & do stuff with Daddy & his help.
EATING
Blakely is still nursing every 3 hours ish but about 6 weeks ago, we began introducing solids to her. She hated carrots with a passion but has grown to like green beans, corn, bananas, mandarin oranges & recently I feed her oats almost every day. She mostly just wants our food, but we try to only give her a little here a there.
SLEEPING
Ugh. This is something were still working on. It is getting better. But every step forward always seems to have a step back & it kills me when we go backwards! Some nights she'll sleep from
7:30-6:30 with minimal wakes, other nights were up 5+ times! (Like last night) And sadly it affects the whole next day negatively. :( Hoping she gets the hang of it totally soon! Considering taking a few days to ween her off the paci (except for falling asleep).
TEETHING
She has one of the littlest buds on her bottom gum. So cute, wish my cam could capture it! Should be making progress soon!
HEALTH
She weighed 13lbs at her last appointment & was very short (weird?!) (10th percentile) haha. Sorry I don't remember stats! She's a cutie & shorty & there's not much hope in that dept!
She hasn't been sick, thank you Lord!

RIGHT NOW
I am teaching her how to go poopy in the potty. She's been doing great for three weeks with only 2 "accidents". She still pees in her cloth diapers which I'm
Fine with. My goal is just getting her used to the potty & hoping by 12 months, she's fully trained. That will mostly depend on me. She's pretty smart & knows what's going on around her.
She's also scooting like crazy & probably will crawl any day. Just today she's started pulling herself up!
Trying to figure out how much to "discipline" her when it comes to teaching her to stop doing stuff.
(Like splashing in the tub the whole time, or screaming unnecessarily, etc) Im still trying to figure out what she knows & what she doesn't & what's appropriate.) Askimg for wisdom on that one.

I think that's all, sorry no pictures, just enough time to get this written! Were so thankful for her seven months here with us!

Nothing worse than the silence after

 1 year, 7 months, 1 week, 3 days.

Mommy misses you more than words.

I miss holding your tiny little body.

I miss how you felt as a 5 pounder on my chest, skin to skin.

I miss your little screech.

It feels like a nightmare I once had.

But then I have random memories I cannot escape throughout each day...and I know it really happened...

You were ours for a split second, than without any warning, gone in a blink of an eye.

When the on call ER doctor finally reported to us that there was nothing they could do for you, I felt like I was going to die.

 I wished it, in fact. I wanted to be the one back in that room, to allow both of us to escape the pain.

It was like stepping into hell for a moment in time.

Kissing your warm yet going cold head and cheeks, trying to process and take in all that was happening, and trying to remember you...forever.



Not enough time to take you in. After 1 year and 7 months, Mommy fights to remember how you felt, what you smelled like and how you looked. I often look to our pictures scattered of you in our home to trigger a memory.

Having the nurses and doctors dissipate and leave me alone with you as we rocked. I don't even know if you were still alive at that point.

You were so still. Your little hands were down. I wanted to shake you back to life so bad.

There's no worse sound I have ever heard than the silence coming from you in that moment.

Handing you to whomever I did for the very very very last time was indescribable.

Walking out of that hospital...

Going home...

Trying to eat...  Sleep...   talk...   breathe

Now I live my life without you. The silence you left behind is sometimes excruciating.

You, my firstborn ....will never be here again. Never.

You will always be missing. Always.


I will always have to struggle through questions about our kids.

You don't get to be the big sister I really wish you could be right now.

I don't know anything about you. What makes you cry or smile or laugh. I don't even know if you are ticklish or what color eyes you ended up having.

Sometimes my soul just hurts.

It's not bitter anymore, just overcome with sadness sometimes, that part of me is missing.

The gift of your little sister has helped awaken my soul again to joy and hope. Before her, death was all around me. I was walking through the valley of it. With her new precious little soul, life has begun to blossom. Where there once was darkness, there is a beam of light. We are so thankful for her.

She has helped my soul find some healing.

Her life. Her sweet heart.

Her ....noise.

...has helped my heart break away from the silence you left behind.

And one day, when life is not mine anymore, Jesus knows, your voice will be the first I will want to hear.

If she didn't....then we wouldn't...

Was having a conversation with my sweet hubby the other day. We were just playing with Blakely and commenting on sweet she was and how fun she was. A lot more work than we anticipated, worth it and so fun.
Our chats went back to big sis Greyson. hIw should we a year and half now and wow, our lives would be full, but wow how we wish she could be apart of our family here on earth.
We wonder what she knows of us and we hope Jesus and others are filling her in. We imagine her so excited all the time for when we finally get to be altogether. If I was her, I would be! Always curious, always waiting, always asking if today was the day...
We so wish things were different. So badly. But we also realize gods sovereignty in pain and timing and in His plan. We have moved past 98% of the questions and just enjoy the blessing of little Blakely.
We remember a few days after GReyson died in that June. Waking up to horrendous pain, and drought and 100' heat... Crying out to God for mercy to just make it through this one day...and HE spoke.
He told me that He was giving us another baby.
And specifically another baby girl.

 I told my husband first and my Mom next. We wept thinking this could never be possible and thinking how wonderful it would be. Full of doubt, but expectation.

AndI remember sitting at my 22 weeks Ultra Sound, with 4 months of convincing myself this was a boy, I would be happy and a girl would come later. I remember being jealous still of everyone having girls. We were in shock when she said "girl".

Yet,here we are. 1.5 years later from the time The Lord spoke HIS plan to my heart....with a heathy beautiful sweet baby girl who loves us and has brought us so much healing. SO much.

It's hard to imagine the "why's" anymore but I do sometimes wonder why BLakely is here and Greyson is not. When I come to that, I just simply stop and become thankful.

And as my hubs and I were chatting the other day, he said, "It's hard to believe it, but if Greyson WAS here,  Blakely would not be."

Made my heart a little sad. And thankful at the same time. Most people don't have to choose between children or just be "happy because they have something rather than nothing."

I would rather have both, but I know in time, I will...

Until then, we rejoice in everyday we get with our second baby girl and are so thankful God spoke blessing over our lives , even in tragedy. And we are thankful in the way He used lil GReyson's  two short days to show Himself to us and many others and how He has plans to continue to use her in the years to come.

Half Truths

Down here in Florida, everyone talks to my baby and I.

We love it about the half the time.

 She smiles and loves the attention, I like being able to chat with complete strangers (now that I am a mom to a living baby.)

Today, we did not love it.

I had no idea how many times I would be asked once I step outside my home if Blakely is my first.
This has happened since the belly began to pop out last February.

I am almost always on the defense before people even look at me, because I already know it's coming.

Today, I changed it up a bit.

I have never once not acknowledged my firstborn. Normally I have to answer real quick, say, "but oh she died." and watch in silence as they scramble for words or sometimes, just change the subject or sometimes I end up tryin to comfort ...them. :/

People are curious and I'm not mad. It's just hard to always be ripping open a wound with complete strangers all the time.


So, today, I decided to answer differently.

"Aww, she's cute! How old?"

"Thank you, Almost 5 months!"

"She's tiny.... so much hair....is she your first?"

 ugh...

"Nope" with a half smile.

"Let me guess, you have a boy?"

"Nope, another little girl"

"Awww, How old?"

Thinks for a minute. Trying to decide....

"18 months"

Blank stare. "Oh my, you are one very busy Mom! I bet your life is so chaotic!!?"

"Yes."

"Well, I hope they are best friends"

Heart ripped open. No response for awhile.

"I hope so, too."

I don't know how I feel about this.

It kinda felt better to me to answer that way to be honest.

 I DO have an 18 month old, I just don't "have her" like everyone else.

I'm tired of talking about her dying.....and to people that mostly will not care.

She's very much alive, just not here.

Plus, I'm missing her a lot as Christmas rolls around. Her second without us. But her second in the presence of the One we celebrate. How cool.

I just wish Blakely could know her...and could have the chance to be best friends with her. We will have to wait for that.

For now, I am just struggling with how to answer people who ask.

I may just settle for the "half truth" for awhile...