This will be short, but I had to post.
The past week has been full of ups and downs for me. The Lord has been dealing with so many crazy huge issues. I will definitely be writing more later. I heard the best sermon on Sunday about Prayer, and the best one last night on Jonah 4.
I LOVE how Jesus pursues us. Doesn't let us get stuck in our ruts, our tantrums, our grief.
Today, I began working at Girls Inc Sarasota. I was a homework Tutor for 3 hours. I met some pretty quality little girls. I have this *thing* for tiny lil Hispanic girls now (hmm, wonder why). So, I was able to help a bunch of them with all their math problems. I was definitely nervous, not about being there, but that'd I would have forgotten all my "knowledge" and just be like, "Oh, wow, I just don't know, let's skip to another..." Ha! But that didn't happen. It is such an amazing place, so many cool opportunities there.
As I was driving home, just an hour ago, I began to cry a little.... I was about to open my mouth and complain and whine to the Lord about not being able to see my tiny lil brown baby Greyson grow up, have a life, be somebody, be adorable, be loved on by her mom and dad, the list goes way way way on. I can't remember if I said it or just thought it, but all I heard back was...
"You will get to see Greyson grow up, Myssi....in Heaven."
So, I am pretty darn excited about that. Makes me not want to be here on Earth so much. However, I know the Lord has plans to prosper and give us a future while here on Earth. I pray I fulfill them, stay in His will, heal of my grief and anger and am always about His business until He calls me Home!!
This is super short for me.... but I am going on a hot date with my hot hubby! We are going to a delicious place called Daiquiri Deck where they have this really yummy blacked chicken salad! Then we are going to the beach with a blanket! So thankful...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Why does every Ke$ha song sound the same?
Yay! Celebrating the fact that...
...today I did not cry. First time in 12 straight days. Saturday, Sunday & Monday, I thought I was reliving June 13th all over again... I couldn't drive without crying or go on my walk without crying...I couldn't even think without crying.
Didn't help that well-meaning people were coming up and hugging us at our church down here, or knowing I'd have to "face" certain girl friends down here for the first time. One came up to me at church and asked me how I was about 5x. I said I was fine.
She called my bluff, made me cry so much. She said she cried during the service for me, because in the immediate row behind us were 2 new young mom's feeding and laughing and whispering to their babies during service. I prayed to be deaf.
It has been good to be back in Sarasota. We have been so busy. I prayed for that, knowing I was coming here without a baby and without a job. I go almost non-stop. There is always something to do. Our friends have all wanted to plan things, which has kept us busy on the weekends and during the weeknights. We especially have loved reconnecting with some really truly great friends, a hubs and wife couple exactly our ages, we've already hung out with them numerous times and they are desperately trying to get us to buy a house right down the street from theirs.
Me. Lovin the neon yella bandana.
I have been meeting with 3 different ministries around Sarasota this week; a pregnancy center, a Senior living facility and Girl's Inc. Tried to cover all age groups. Lovin Girl's Inc the best. I start there on Monday. They actually offered me a job during the summer months. Haha.
Today I went to the Senior's place, it's called Windsor Reflections. They gave me a quick tour and wanted me to start asap. Which I was not prepared for. I had wore a skirt and had totally forgot I was there to lead "fitness" classes. But it turned out ok, because it was literally me just having to YELL, which I hate, to these cute old people while we watched an 80's video with a woman in a full bright red leotard do chair exercises. I think I am going to try it again, just do crafts or something with them. But after my last job, I kinda wanted to have a huge distance between myself and older people. (Bleh, think lots of gross stuff, then stop or you'll vomit)
Even today, apparently I (of course me) sat on a leather chair that a previous resident had peed on, it had dried and no one (I do not know why) had cleaned it up yet?? So, that was gross. And seriously, why me?
The facility is brand spankin new, opened in July, so it's not gross.
Then a guy in his late 70's maybe named Bud Roughead came to do his chair exercises, but half way through he had to go "take a whiz" (Am I even spelling that right?) and after he came back, he announced to me that "He missed". I was like, thank you God Almighty that I am *not* required to clean that up. I am a volunteer, I get to watch and listen to all the horrors, instead of before, being Director of Everything Disgusting.
Tomorrow I am heading to the pool with a friend and her 2 little girls. At our Condo, we have 2 pools and 1 hot tub. I wish I could transfer everyone that I love to ...here... We are so split in half between Indy and Florida.
Tonight we grilled out and Adam's made me watch the beginning of "Alien", gross and scary.
Finally our Condo is feeling like "home". I definitely cried the first night. I was scared of the 30 yr old rose flannel sheets on our bed. I took them off and covered the nasty blue couch with them so I could sit on it. Jesus us so nice to me, know what I needed in order to calm down and chill out, I was all prepped to go buy King Size Sheets on Sunday, when I looked in the closet and found brand new ones. They are the grossest orange color ever, but made me so happy. I put them on, not caring about the fact that they probably came from a bug infested factory in India and slept happily until the next day when I washed them. Adam puts up with me. He knows I am just hormonal and overly emotional. I asked him not to judge me about the couch situation, he did not. :)
Anyway, we have an awesome view of a huge lake and surprisingly, some privacy for being in the middle part of like 15 condo's. There is a YMCA right next door to us, I have been walking there and then walking on their nature path. So nice. It's been 85' almost everyday.
Flowers from my hubs for our 2 year (gasp). We celebrated just a few days ago. Our beach wedding was so perfect. I am so thankful I got to marry him.
The cutest footprints I have ever seen in the whole world. Someday, when I die, I will get to touch those lil toes again and kiss them. Wow, I cannot wait. (sorry it's turned) (I cannot call myself a legit Photographer anymore because of this)
Our Iphone reminder. As if we'd forget...
My handsome hubby. We were playing around at a place in Orlando...
Then we went to downtown Disney...
One of my best friends, Jasmine. Love her. We spent the day at Magic Kingdom.
Lil Mirabelle. People think she is mine.
Hubs and I at the Hunsador Pumpkin Festival in Bradenton. We went with some good friends. The baby girl up there is one of theirs. Good times. Wished Lil G coulda been with us.
TRUE life from the Mancilla Household. This picture cracked me up, because after 2 years of marriage, we have finally decided this is what actually has truly been happening. And all parties are ok with it!
I could've swore there was more I wanted to write about. I promise there will be a *deep* Spiritual one next time, but for now, that's all I got.
...today I did not cry. First time in 12 straight days. Saturday, Sunday & Monday, I thought I was reliving June 13th all over again... I couldn't drive without crying or go on my walk without crying...I couldn't even think without crying.
Didn't help that well-meaning people were coming up and hugging us at our church down here, or knowing I'd have to "face" certain girl friends down here for the first time. One came up to me at church and asked me how I was about 5x. I said I was fine.
She called my bluff, made me cry so much. She said she cried during the service for me, because in the immediate row behind us were 2 new young mom's feeding and laughing and whispering to their babies during service. I prayed to be deaf.
It has been good to be back in Sarasota. We have been so busy. I prayed for that, knowing I was coming here without a baby and without a job. I go almost non-stop. There is always something to do. Our friends have all wanted to plan things, which has kept us busy on the weekends and during the weeknights. We especially have loved reconnecting with some really truly great friends, a hubs and wife couple exactly our ages, we've already hung out with them numerous times and they are desperately trying to get us to buy a house right down the street from theirs.
I have been meeting with 3 different ministries around Sarasota this week; a pregnancy center, a Senior living facility and Girl's Inc. Tried to cover all age groups. Lovin Girl's Inc the best. I start there on Monday. They actually offered me a job during the summer months. Haha.
Today I went to the Senior's place, it's called Windsor Reflections. They gave me a quick tour and wanted me to start asap. Which I was not prepared for. I had wore a skirt and had totally forgot I was there to lead "fitness" classes. But it turned out ok, because it was literally me just having to YELL, which I hate, to these cute old people while we watched an 80's video with a woman in a full bright red leotard do chair exercises. I think I am going to try it again, just do crafts or something with them. But after my last job, I kinda wanted to have a huge distance between myself and older people. (Bleh, think lots of gross stuff, then stop or you'll vomit)
Even today, apparently I (of course me) sat on a leather chair that a previous resident had peed on, it had dried and no one (I do not know why) had cleaned it up yet?? So, that was gross. And seriously, why me?
The facility is brand spankin new, opened in July, so it's not gross.
Then a guy in his late 70's maybe named Bud Roughead came to do his chair exercises, but half way through he had to go "take a whiz" (Am I even spelling that right?) and after he came back, he announced to me that "He missed". I was like, thank you God Almighty that I am *not* required to clean that up. I am a volunteer, I get to watch and listen to all the horrors, instead of before, being Director of Everything Disgusting.
Tomorrow I am heading to the pool with a friend and her 2 little girls. At our Condo, we have 2 pools and 1 hot tub. I wish I could transfer everyone that I love to ...here... We are so split in half between Indy and Florida.
Tonight we grilled out and Adam's made me watch the beginning of "Alien", gross and scary.
Finally our Condo is feeling like "home". I definitely cried the first night. I was scared of the 30 yr old rose flannel sheets on our bed. I took them off and covered the nasty blue couch with them so I could sit on it. Jesus us so nice to me, know what I needed in order to calm down and chill out, I was all prepped to go buy King Size Sheets on Sunday, when I looked in the closet and found brand new ones. They are the grossest orange color ever, but made me so happy. I put them on, not caring about the fact that they probably came from a bug infested factory in India and slept happily until the next day when I washed them. Adam puts up with me. He knows I am just hormonal and overly emotional. I asked him not to judge me about the couch situation, he did not. :)
Anyway, we have an awesome view of a huge lake and surprisingly, some privacy for being in the middle part of like 15 condo's. There is a YMCA right next door to us, I have been walking there and then walking on their nature path. So nice. It's been 85' almost everyday.
I could've swore there was more I wanted to write about. I promise there will be a *deep* Spiritual one next time, but for now, that's all I got.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Happy Birthday to my Baby
I stopped counting weeks of her birth and weeks since her death awhile back. Not because I made myself stop, but I just..forgot. Grace from Jesus? I don't know.
I will not forget, however, the 11th of every month. It actually snuck up on this month. Last night, I was reading in Romans and reading a book on dealing with infant loss...and happened to look at the calendar. Boo.
But ya know, I am making it through. I have been alone most of the day, though my hubby works in our living room (so blessed & thankful I get to fix him breakfast and lunch each day, and sneak kisses and hugs whenever I want) but Jesus has been with me. I have felt His Spirit so strong within me and around me. I know He has me. He has us. He is holding Greyson until I get there.
I have heard from a few people, including my Mom, who have remembered her. I appreciate that so much. It so stinks to not be able to celebrate her today in the way every new Mom would want. I feel cheated. I feel envious of all the new Mom's out there getting to celebrate each week, each month, each milestone with their babies. They have nothing that should ever even come close to a complaint about how difficult it must be to learn how to be a new Mom.
I have cried a lot today. As I woke up, as I took a walk, a shower, as I'm typing this... Grief is hard consuming stuff. I'm over it. I wish I could grab the way I used to be, feel, live and just forget about all the pain and trauma... but I have to trudge through it, til I am out of of it.
Not over it, just out of it.
I love how Jesus just knows. He knows what we need when we need it. He knows how to give good gifts, He knows how to distract us and help us refocus our attentions. I am praying that the Lord keeps me so occupied enjoying life that I do not dwell on the former things. I will never ever forget my lil G, but I can live in the day that God has made and given me and live it to the fullest. If I can find joy, cool. If I can find hope, cool.
I find joy in the fact that God has chose to adopt me as His precious daughter and He has done the same for baby Greyson. He is for me, not against me, He will cause everything to work together for GOOD. For His good.
Find rest my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him... (Ps 62:5)
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint...(Jer 31:25)
Can I do this...this grief thing...without complaining? A good question I was being asked this morning by Jesus. I read a devotional that spurred that thought from Him on...
Talking to Jesus as much as I want about the difficult path I am on tempers my thoughts and helps me see things from His perspective.
Talking with others sometimes about this path opens the door to deadly sins such as rage and self.pity.
I have seen it happen firsthand. I start talking. BAM. I literally have rage in my heart that if visible could explode out my ears, nose, mouth. I would vomit it up.
Hey, maybe that would be easier and just get rid of it. HA!
My rage is like so hidden, even I don't know it's there sometimes. Then all the sudden with no warning, mostly when I am sharing my thoughts/life/heart with others....there it is.
Today, I listened to this hour long sermon as I walked, on.... Anger. Wow, so good. So good.
I obviously am going to have anger to deal with for something like this.
Anyway, it creeps on me sometimes. I feel it in my clenched jaw as I cry or the stiffness of my body when I am thinking about certain things. I hate it. I hate that something so powerful is inside me. I began praying it away today. Praying that God would release me of my angry heart. I surrendered it, layed it down. There is simply nothing else I have felt like I could do. However, I realized that I can do a few things:
1. Control my tongue, power of life & death
2. Control my thoughts, take them captive
Every time I speak negatively about losing our baby, the anger creeps.
Every time I think about my friends who had babies this summer, the anger consumes.
As I feel tempted to grumble or become angry, I want to go to Jesus, talk it out, open up to Him and allow Him to put his thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart. I have the power---with Jesus---to take my mind off one thing and to set it on something else!
I have the power---with Jesus---to be able to find things about my life that He has done or given that are GOOD right now, today.
Do I believe that I am complete in HIM??
That the One Thing I will ever need is the One Thing I can never lose.... His Presence.
He was with me from birth. He was with me when Greyson was born, He was there in the bedroom when my Mom brought her in not breathing, He was there at her little funeral and the terrible days after, He is with me today as I *try* to enjoy His presence and remember my baby girl is with Him celebrating... it's not what I'd chose, but it's what is best.
"Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
To believe that there is nothing left to fear
You alone are high above it all
You, my God, are greater still..."
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Stuff
It's sad that I only have one Member. Or "Creeper" as I changed it to.
So, we are officially in Florida.
I have officially cried everyday since arriving, except not today. Yet...
This transition is...bittersweet.
Most of my friends say they are jealous of us being down here.
Trust me, we'd give it ALL up. Every last drop of anything that made anybody jealous.
However, I do see their point. We are spoiled by our Creator, in giving us a flexible job that allows us the best of both worlds.
I have been learning to pray more. Praying more scripture as I read it. Learning to keep busy. Busier than usual. I have lists. I have goals. I am praying I keep my mind on things that are admirable, praiseworthy, pure and excellent.
It's so beautiful down here. We love it. We miss our baby girl. We wish she was here with us every minute.
Jesus is reminding me to pray for contentment and to fix my gaze directly ahead of me. I am asking for big things. I am praying in faith, knowing that "if He is willing..." Knowing He gives good gifts and everything He gives IS good no matter if I can see it that way or not.
I have been reading a chapter of Matthew a day. Lovin it...
So thankful for a few of my friends. The ones who encourage me to push further and keep trusting and keep walking. I am praying I learn to become a more encouraging pointing my friends to Jesus friend...
Side Notes:
I saw a man vacuuming his driveway here in the Flo-rida...
I am obsessed with clean laundry still. Love having all my stuff clean all the time. (Hard to do when it is hot and I walk. I walk a lot. I sweat a lot)
I have been picking up dead cockroaches all day. We even found a dead one in our bed the first night here. Grody.
My hubs and I are walking to the beach every night. (1.5hr walk)
The fruit down here is kick booty. Seriously. Lovin the road side stands... Missed them all summer.
I got like 15 mosquito bites the second we crossed the border into Florida it seemed. Normally I only get bit at first...
Spent some time at Disney with a friend. Hubs couldn't go, had to work unexpectedly. (Two thumbs down people) We had a great time.
There are a lot of children and babies there. Probably not the place for me for awhile. We had grand plans of plowing people down there with my stroller...like all the moms do... haha. But sad.
Tonight we are grilling out, hot tubbin and watchin a movie. Lovin the time with him at nights.
Thanking Jesus for him in my life.
We are lovin' Sarasota. Meeting up with a married couple this Saturday for dinner. We can't wait to see them.
So, this is a very random post.
I am thinking of making my blog private very soon. So, follow me so I can (?) I don't know how it works.... STILL....
I and my hubs don't like the idea of anybody who's anybody just googling my name and finding all this info...
So, we are officially in Florida.
I have officially cried everyday since arriving, except not today. Yet...
This transition is...bittersweet.
Most of my friends say they are jealous of us being down here.
Trust me, we'd give it ALL up. Every last drop of anything that made anybody jealous.
However, I do see their point. We are spoiled by our Creator, in giving us a flexible job that allows us the best of both worlds.
I have been learning to pray more. Praying more scripture as I read it. Learning to keep busy. Busier than usual. I have lists. I have goals. I am praying I keep my mind on things that are admirable, praiseworthy, pure and excellent.
It's so beautiful down here. We love it. We miss our baby girl. We wish she was here with us every minute.
Jesus is reminding me to pray for contentment and to fix my gaze directly ahead of me. I am asking for big things. I am praying in faith, knowing that "if He is willing..." Knowing He gives good gifts and everything He gives IS good no matter if I can see it that way or not.
I have been reading a chapter of Matthew a day. Lovin it...
So thankful for a few of my friends. The ones who encourage me to push further and keep trusting and keep walking. I am praying I learn to become a more encouraging pointing my friends to Jesus friend...
Side Notes:
I saw a man vacuuming his driveway here in the Flo-rida...
I am obsessed with clean laundry still. Love having all my stuff clean all the time. (Hard to do when it is hot and I walk. I walk a lot. I sweat a lot)
I have been picking up dead cockroaches all day. We even found a dead one in our bed the first night here. Grody.
My hubs and I are walking to the beach every night. (1.5hr walk)
The fruit down here is kick booty. Seriously. Lovin the road side stands... Missed them all summer.
I got like 15 mosquito bites the second we crossed the border into Florida it seemed. Normally I only get bit at first...
Spent some time at Disney with a friend. Hubs couldn't go, had to work unexpectedly. (Two thumbs down people) We had a great time.
There are a lot of children and babies there. Probably not the place for me for awhile. We had grand plans of plowing people down there with my stroller...like all the moms do... haha. But sad.
Tonight we are grilling out, hot tubbin and watchin a movie. Lovin the time with him at nights.
Thanking Jesus for him in my life.
We are lovin' Sarasota. Meeting up with a married couple this Saturday for dinner. We can't wait to see them.
So, this is a very random post.
I am thinking of making my blog private very soon. So, follow me so I can (?) I don't know how it works.... STILL....
I and my hubs don't like the idea of anybody who's anybody just googling my name and finding all this info...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Somehow this week, the Lord has really been impressing upon my heart this idea of submission.
I'd like to think I have come a long way from Wednesday through today, as I have struggled with my anger, rage, bitterness, sorrow, etc.
I am asking the Lord to help me stop asking Him "Why?". At least a couple handfuls of times a week, I find myself pouting to Him with that simple question. One night this week, I was cleaning a Foodbank, mopping the floor and that question just began spilling out of me. Another night, I was helping someone move, I heard a boy say just the word, "Mom"...and from there, I just became angry and asked the Lord, "Why me?" again...
For some reason I think I deserve something better than the hand I've been dealt. Why? Is it because I look around and compare myself to others, even other believers? I see them and wonder why I am not "the favorite" or wonder what I did to get what I got. I say it's unfair.
I remember about 6 weeks after losing lil G, I woke up in a rage type attitude towards the Lord. I was accusing and whining and crying and blaming and asking... asking W-H-Y? After I asked all my why's and told Jesus what He chose for me was 500% not fair, Jesus began to whisper back all the things that were in fact unfair about my life compared to others.
He listed all my blessings. Even the blessings I still can't believe are blessings. He said, Myssi, it's "unfair" you are saved, "unfair" you have a loving sweet godly man for a husband who would do anything for you, who works hard and adores you, it's "unfair" you have a Christian family who has done nothing but minister to you this summer, it's "unfair" you survived labor and got to hold and feed your baby and hear her sweet cry's. Even for just 36 hours.
The list goes on.
I have an unthankful heart because I expect my life to be exactly what I want. When even one thing is off, I get mad. I blame God. It's not that I forget Him in the good times, it's just that the good times are all I care to praise Him for.
Job: shall we accept good from God and not trouble?
Solomon: Accept the way God does things, who can straighten what He has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Paul: I have learned in whatever circumstance to be content.
Jesus: Not my will, Lord, but yours be done.
This is such a strange concept for me (a human), to be thankful truly thankful for each and every thing, whether good or bad. And who is to say what is truly "good" or "bad"? We don't see what the Lord see's.
I want to. I pray to.
So, basically I have arrived at this new place in my heart. Saying out loud, "Lord, I submit myself to your will..." as often as it takes until it is true. As often as I find myself reliving the birth and death of our baby girl, as often as I see others who "have what I want".... until my will is lined up with His and I accept it all...as a gift....with thankfulness... and joy.
I'd like to think I have come a long way from Wednesday through today, as I have struggled with my anger, rage, bitterness, sorrow, etc.
I am asking the Lord to help me stop asking Him "Why?". At least a couple handfuls of times a week, I find myself pouting to Him with that simple question. One night this week, I was cleaning a Foodbank, mopping the floor and that question just began spilling out of me. Another night, I was helping someone move, I heard a boy say just the word, "Mom"...and from there, I just became angry and asked the Lord, "Why me?" again...
For some reason I think I deserve something better than the hand I've been dealt. Why? Is it because I look around and compare myself to others, even other believers? I see them and wonder why I am not "the favorite" or wonder what I did to get what I got. I say it's unfair.
I remember about 6 weeks after losing lil G, I woke up in a rage type attitude towards the Lord. I was accusing and whining and crying and blaming and asking... asking W-H-Y? After I asked all my why's and told Jesus what He chose for me was 500% not fair, Jesus began to whisper back all the things that were in fact unfair about my life compared to others.
He listed all my blessings. Even the blessings I still can't believe are blessings. He said, Myssi, it's "unfair" you are saved, "unfair" you have a loving sweet godly man for a husband who would do anything for you, who works hard and adores you, it's "unfair" you have a Christian family who has done nothing but minister to you this summer, it's "unfair" you survived labor and got to hold and feed your baby and hear her sweet cry's. Even for just 36 hours.
The list goes on.
I have an unthankful heart because I expect my life to be exactly what I want. When even one thing is off, I get mad. I blame God. It's not that I forget Him in the good times, it's just that the good times are all I care to praise Him for.
Job: shall we accept good from God and not trouble?
Solomon: Accept the way God does things, who can straighten what He has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Paul: I have learned in whatever circumstance to be content.
Jesus: Not my will, Lord, but yours be done.
This is such a strange concept for me (a human), to be thankful truly thankful for each and every thing, whether good or bad. And who is to say what is truly "good" or "bad"? We don't see what the Lord see's.
I want to. I pray to.
So, basically I have arrived at this new place in my heart. Saying out loud, "Lord, I submit myself to your will..." as often as it takes until it is true. As often as I find myself reliving the birth and death of our baby girl, as often as I see others who "have what I want".... until my will is lined up with His and I accept it all...as a gift....with thankfulness... and joy.
Friday, September 7, 2012
A lesson from Colossians
Today, as I have been doing stuff, I have been listening to the book of Colossians on repeat. Good grief, this book is really challenging. It's spot on with almost everything I am struggling with right now...
Col 1
...We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need.
Endurance----Patience... 2 things I am needing so badly. I realized the other day that half of the time this summer that I have been dealing with grief, I have been trying to wish my circumstances away. I long to be the person who gets to go out and buy a card and sign it, stamp it and mail it... or the one who makes a meal and brings it by... not the one who has to deal with the loss and sorrow and anger. The Lord has showed me that I can't wish it away, but I can pray for healing and endurance and patience. I can submit myself to His plan and walk in this path He has laid out for me and even bear fruit.
....May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.
...and you will overflow with thankfulness
...So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you...now is the time to get rid of anger, rage...
I told my Mom the other day, as I was struggling with some huge anger issues that have sprang up this week, that I felt like God owed me something. "Took my baby? Now give me something to make up for it". Dumb. As I have started to deal with my bitterness this week, the Lord has replaced some of those feelings with some peace, some contentment and hope to keep going and see what the Lord has in store. I don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a sense of entitlement.
I have been challenged to try trrrrrrrryyyyyyyy to simply enjoy what the Lord has done. Enjoy the (extra) time with my hubs that we weren't expecting, enjoy trying to find a "purpose", enjoy ministry, enjoy family....being filled with joy, always thanking the Father.
...He has enabled you to share in the inheritance ...For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness ...who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.
It's sometimes been so difficult to find things to be thankful and grateful for this summer, but just that verse above has convicted me today. Simply having salvation, knowing Jesus, being chosen to be His daughter...should be enough for me to be thankful about, giving me hope to move on, out of bitterness. Also just being reminded of how Jesus purchased my freedom gives me the nudge I need to not give up in working through this suffering of mine, since Jesus went over and above and beyond anything I could even imagine to have me with Him in Paradise.
I get so caught up... ugh.
...I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.
I was talking with a very good friend last night who reminded me that although the ways I am feeling is normal, it is only the enemy who wants to keep me stuck in these very human emotions. My self and the enemy are very good at deception, talking me into things that "make sense" "feel right" etc when it comes to handling all these emotions and feelings from losing lil Greyson. I am not expected not to feel certain ways, but to handle those feelings in a godly way and maybe even quickly?
...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
...Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. I also pray that I have more grace in this continuing situation, too.
Sooooo, if you haven't read Colossians in awhile...do it. There's way more in there. I have really been challenged, convicted and hopefully changed by meditating on these verses.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father
Now, on a few lighter notes:
*This week I celebrated losing all but 2 pounds from Greyson! That means, I lost about 40 pounds in 12 weeks. Not bad. Thanking Jesus for helping me get that off quickly. Hoping to lose 5-7 more this month, we'll see. I've done it by drinking high protein smoothies for breakfast/lunch and eating mostly fresh foods (like 90%) plus walking/swimming.
*Adam & I are helping with a Youth Retreat coming up. :)
*We are also working on beginning a Young Couples Small Group in November. We're pretty excited about leading this.
Here's a new hat I got for $4 today....
(It looks like I have an attitude, and I might, but not really. Ha.)
And, that's a wrap....
Dueces.
Col 1
...We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need.
Endurance----Patience... 2 things I am needing so badly. I realized the other day that half of the time this summer that I have been dealing with grief, I have been trying to wish my circumstances away. I long to be the person who gets to go out and buy a card and sign it, stamp it and mail it... or the one who makes a meal and brings it by... not the one who has to deal with the loss and sorrow and anger. The Lord has showed me that I can't wish it away, but I can pray for healing and endurance and patience. I can submit myself to His plan and walk in this path He has laid out for me and even bear fruit.
....May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.
...and you will overflow with thankfulness
...So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you...now is the time to get rid of anger, rage...
I told my Mom the other day, as I was struggling with some huge anger issues that have sprang up this week, that I felt like God owed me something. "Took my baby? Now give me something to make up for it". Dumb. As I have started to deal with my bitterness this week, the Lord has replaced some of those feelings with some peace, some contentment and hope to keep going and see what the Lord has in store. I don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a sense of entitlement.
I have been challenged to try trrrrrrrryyyyyyyy to simply enjoy what the Lord has done. Enjoy the (extra) time with my hubs that we weren't expecting, enjoy trying to find a "purpose", enjoy ministry, enjoy family....being filled with joy, always thanking the Father.
...He has enabled you to share in the inheritance ...For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness ...who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.
It's sometimes been so difficult to find things to be thankful and grateful for this summer, but just that verse above has convicted me today. Simply having salvation, knowing Jesus, being chosen to be His daughter...should be enough for me to be thankful about, giving me hope to move on, out of bitterness. Also just being reminded of how Jesus purchased my freedom gives me the nudge I need to not give up in working through this suffering of mine, since Jesus went over and above and beyond anything I could even imagine to have me with Him in Paradise.
I get so caught up... ugh.
...I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.
I was talking with a very good friend last night who reminded me that although the ways I am feeling is normal, it is only the enemy who wants to keep me stuck in these very human emotions. My self and the enemy are very good at deception, talking me into things that "make sense" "feel right" etc when it comes to handling all these emotions and feelings from losing lil Greyson. I am not expected not to feel certain ways, but to handle those feelings in a godly way and maybe even quickly?
...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
...Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. I also pray that I have more grace in this continuing situation, too.
Sooooo, if you haven't read Colossians in awhile...do it. There's way more in there. I have really been challenged, convicted and hopefully changed by meditating on these verses.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father
Now, on a few lighter notes:
*This week I celebrated losing all but 2 pounds from Greyson! That means, I lost about 40 pounds in 12 weeks. Not bad. Thanking Jesus for helping me get that off quickly. Hoping to lose 5-7 more this month, we'll see. I've done it by drinking high protein smoothies for breakfast/lunch and eating mostly fresh foods (like 90%) plus walking/swimming.
*Adam & I are helping with a Youth Retreat coming up. :)
*We are also working on beginning a Young Couples Small Group in November. We're pretty excited about leading this.
Here's a new hat I got for $4 today....
And, that's a wrap....
Dueces.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
She continues to live
We had the appointment with our pediatrician today. As we walked in, this cloud just fell over me. I realized the last time I was there was literally like 15 hours after labor and with my sweet baby.
At that appointment on June 12th, I remember standing the whole time because I was still so sore and all there was was hard wood chairs.
More importantly, I remember lil Greyson crying as she had to get naked and weighed, she weighed exactly 5 pounds.
Our Doctor loved her and said she was perfectly fine. I remember our doctor was holding her and Greyson was a little upset. The doc looked at me and said, "She won't do this once she is back in your arms." I took her cute lil self back and sure enough, she calmed down.
But today was different. Today she helped us go through the whole Coroner's Report. It was confirming that we did nothing wrong and that there was nothing wrong with lil Greyson that they were able to find.
Still, normally SIDS doesn't happen until the baby is more like 1 month old, not 2 days.
She asked us if we had any questions, and I told her about a few things that had bothered me and if they had any correlation with baby G's death... they of course did not. She said, even parents blame themselves or wonder what they could've done if their 7yr old isn't doing well in school, etc.
Then our Doc put the papers down...& looked at me...& asked me how I was doing.
Like really asked.
Not the, "How are ya" drive by... the look directly at you, into your soul, because I actually want to know...
I got through about 2 words. I'd prefer the drive-by most days. Easier.
Nothing prepares you for having to meet with a doctor and talk about how and why your daughter died. So, I was doing pretty good the whole first 30 minutes, sipping on my homemade smoothy. If I felt "the lump", I'd just take another sip and refocus.
But then she wanted to know if I felt like it was my fault.
While the Lord gives peace without any understanding, there are always little pop-up's in my head, like...
....Remember how you layed on your belly until like 8 months pregnant?
....Remember how you didn't even gain 5 pounds until week 25?
....Remember how you threw up all over the place week 17-25? Especially that one day where you threw up every bite x12, you even threw up Sprite. (Which if you have never thrown up, I strongly hope one day you, too can experience. Weirdest fizzy feeling ever, kinda "fun")
....plus more...
But I know know know know if the Lord wanted us to have her.....we'd have her.
For some special reason He wants her and the more I get hung up on questions mentioned above, the more I am stuck in fear.
Fear to keep going.
Fear to have hope.
Fear that I could've possibly controlled the life and death and of our baby.
Not possible.
That takes all the credit away from Jesus. He is the Maker of life and He has our days numbered. So, why should I fear? Or question?
It's just painful to hear how perfect your baby was, when she is not still alive to prove it.
I trust Jesus. I trust Him. I do. Even through the mountains of pain.
At the funeral of my sweet friend, Naomi Friday night, the Pastor talked about her life...and about how Naomi's greatest achievement was knowing Jesus. Nothing else mattered.
Wow. Because of that...death has lost it's sting! Thank you Jesus! Thank you.
The thing he also said that resounds in my mind constantly is that Naomi continues to live.
She continues to live. Naomi continues to live with Jesus.
She continues to live. GREYSON continues to live...
She lives with Jesus. My Savior, my Father, my comforter, protector, provider, healer, my faithful FRIEND. What better place for her?
I deeply deeply deeply want to just hold her for a lil while, kiss her cute lil lips, spank her lil booty, and I live with the hope that someday I will get to.
But I also live with the satisfaction that God has adopted her until I get there. He will kiss her every time I ask Him to. He will hug her and hold her until I am there.
She continues to live.
At that appointment on June 12th, I remember standing the whole time because I was still so sore and all there was was hard wood chairs.
More importantly, I remember lil Greyson crying as she had to get naked and weighed, she weighed exactly 5 pounds.
Our Doctor loved her and said she was perfectly fine. I remember our doctor was holding her and Greyson was a little upset. The doc looked at me and said, "She won't do this once she is back in your arms." I took her cute lil self back and sure enough, she calmed down.
But today was different. Today she helped us go through the whole Coroner's Report. It was confirming that we did nothing wrong and that there was nothing wrong with lil Greyson that they were able to find.
Still, normally SIDS doesn't happen until the baby is more like 1 month old, not 2 days.
She asked us if we had any questions, and I told her about a few things that had bothered me and if they had any correlation with baby G's death... they of course did not. She said, even parents blame themselves or wonder what they could've done if their 7yr old isn't doing well in school, etc.
Then our Doc put the papers down...& looked at me...& asked me how I was doing.
Like really asked.
Not the, "How are ya" drive by... the look directly at you, into your soul, because I actually want to know...
I got through about 2 words. I'd prefer the drive-by most days. Easier.
Nothing prepares you for having to meet with a doctor and talk about how and why your daughter died. So, I was doing pretty good the whole first 30 minutes, sipping on my homemade smoothy. If I felt "the lump", I'd just take another sip and refocus.
But then she wanted to know if I felt like it was my fault.
While the Lord gives peace without any understanding, there are always little pop-up's in my head, like...
....Remember how you layed on your belly until like 8 months pregnant?
....Remember how you didn't even gain 5 pounds until week 25?
....Remember how you threw up all over the place week 17-25? Especially that one day where you threw up every bite x12, you even threw up Sprite. (Which if you have never thrown up, I strongly hope one day you, too can experience. Weirdest fizzy feeling ever, kinda "fun")
....plus more...
But I know know know know if the Lord wanted us to have her.....we'd have her.
For some special reason He wants her and the more I get hung up on questions mentioned above, the more I am stuck in fear.
Fear to keep going.
Fear to have hope.
Fear that I could've possibly controlled the life and death and of our baby.
Not possible.
That takes all the credit away from Jesus. He is the Maker of life and He has our days numbered. So, why should I fear? Or question?
It's just painful to hear how perfect your baby was, when she is not still alive to prove it.
I trust Jesus. I trust Him. I do. Even through the mountains of pain.
At the funeral of my sweet friend, Naomi Friday night, the Pastor talked about her life...and about how Naomi's greatest achievement was knowing Jesus. Nothing else mattered.
Wow. Because of that...death has lost it's sting! Thank you Jesus! Thank you.
The thing he also said that resounds in my mind constantly is that Naomi continues to live.
She continues to live. Naomi continues to live with Jesus.
She continues to live. GREYSON continues to live...
She lives with Jesus. My Savior, my Father, my comforter, protector, provider, healer, my faithful FRIEND. What better place for her?
I deeply deeply deeply want to just hold her for a lil while, kiss her cute lil lips, spank her lil booty, and I live with the hope that someday I will get to.
But I also live with the satisfaction that God has adopted her until I get there. He will kiss her every time I ask Him to. He will hug her and hold her until I am there.
She continues to live.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Grey Nails
I painted my nails grey today. Just like I did when I was around 18 wks pregnant and we named our sweet baby girl.
Thought of her. As usual.
I love the color grey, which is one of the reasons we loved the name "Greyson".
Wish I could be painting her lil nails right now... getting her ears pierced, dressing her up in all her cute lil outfits she never got to wear. I especially wish she could have wore all the cute hair bows my Mom and I made right before she was born.
Trying to hold onto the promises the Lord gave us shortly after she went to be with Jesus...that He will give us another baby girl. I literally sometimes cannot breathe... while I wait.
Part of me died with her it seems.
Carried her for 9 months, delivered her, held her, nursed her, listened to the cutest high pitched cry ever, bathed her, watched her bring so much joy to my husband and my family...
then rode in the ambulance in shock, prayed my heart out at in the E.R....
saw her looking at us while 15 doctors frantically tried to figure out why they were losing her...
then finally held her in my arms as she took her last breath.
I cried and cried as Jesus showed up and asked me for her. I gave her to Him saying "Ok, Jesus" over and over as my Mom sang Amazing Grace.
Yep, part of me went with her that day. I may never be the same, I just don't know.
I am so glad she is with Jesus, though.
We are heading the viewing and funeral today of our sweet friend Naomi who also went to be with the Lord. She is now walking with Him in Paradise .... She promised to look after our baby "If she is allowed in that area" she said. Haha.
Thought of her. As usual.
I love the color grey, which is one of the reasons we loved the name "Greyson".
Wish I could be painting her lil nails right now... getting her ears pierced, dressing her up in all her cute lil outfits she never got to wear. I especially wish she could have wore all the cute hair bows my Mom and I made right before she was born.
Trying to hold onto the promises the Lord gave us shortly after she went to be with Jesus...that He will give us another baby girl. I literally sometimes cannot breathe... while I wait.
Part of me died with her it seems.
Carried her for 9 months, delivered her, held her, nursed her, listened to the cutest high pitched cry ever, bathed her, watched her bring so much joy to my husband and my family...
then rode in the ambulance in shock, prayed my heart out at in the E.R....
saw her looking at us while 15 doctors frantically tried to figure out why they were losing her...
then finally held her in my arms as she took her last breath.
I cried and cried as Jesus showed up and asked me for her. I gave her to Him saying "Ok, Jesus" over and over as my Mom sang Amazing Grace.
Yep, part of me went with her that day. I may never be the same, I just don't know.
I am so glad she is with Jesus, though.
We are heading the viewing and funeral today of our sweet friend Naomi who also went to be with the Lord. She is now walking with Him in Paradise .... She promised to look after our baby "If she is allowed in that area" she said. Haha.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
the first one...
I really don't know how this works yet. So far, for some reason, it has been confusing. It probably is because I have had a head cold for about 3 days now, so the brain is hurting.
A few people have suggested I start a blog since:
a. I no longer get on facebook or twitter.
b. I like to write
c. I have tons of stuff going through my head now-a-days in light of baby Greyson's death in June.
I hope to be able to be real, yet not too complain-y or fun-suck-y. Haha. I don't know, we'll see.
Some days it easy to find blessings, other days it's way easier to find the un-fun stuff to dwell on.
Today, I go back and forth. Since I have been sick, I haven't been getting much sleep, so that makes things a little harder. I was also driving earlier and all the sudden, I just imagined my life the way "it was supposed to be" for the millionth time. Those moments always stink hard-core. If I don't pray right away, I will either sob my eyes out or be filled with enough anger to break something.
It may be hard for most people to understand, unless they have experienced the death of a child or a parent, why we can't just "get over it" or "get back up again real quick" and "move on".
I truly believe with the Lord on our side, whispering to us each moment of need, giving us hope for our future and encouragement through His Word, helping us heal and work through our anger and disappointment, we'd remain down forever.
Also today, I had to call our pediatrician who saw lil Greyson the day before she died. I was on hold for like 7 minutes, the whole time, I had that lump in my throat and an uprising of bitterness. Too much time to think.
See, while a lot of my friends, who also had babies this summer, are making these same appointments, they are actually taking their babies with them. I am calling so she can explain to us the Coroner's Report we finally got in the mail this week. While we are praising the Lord for no Congenital Defects,the rest just makes us sad.
Some people have told me it has taken them 3 months to get out of the "fog", other a whole year. We are approaching the 3 month mark and while I definitely do not cry every hour like the first month or every day like the second, I still feel pretty "blah". I really don't know what it is to be honest. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. I have no desire to get to know anyone new. I really have trouble concentrating, especially in large groups. I really don't want to be around people who don't know what has happened or ones who refuse to talk about it. I have nothing to say sometimes. That is the "blah" I feel. But each new day is a gift from the Lord and a chance to spend time with Him being refreshed and renewed and changed and healed. So thankful that Jesus gives us time to heal.
We know we will not be feeling this way forever. Praise the Lord!
I really am excited at what the Lord has planned. I really truly hope He chooses to use us in other couple's lives in the future who have to go through this. We are so thankful to have Jesus helping us...and that our precious lil 5 pounder is with Him!
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