Officially OUT as long as IN- 9 months old!

Wow, time is flying!

With her friend Elliott. (3weeks apart)

 Trying to escape. Lol

Practicing her wave to Daddy!

I woke up this morning remembering last March, when our little Greyson would have been 9 months old, wondering so bad what it would have been like with a 9 month old baby girl and feeling so sad.

Such a difference 1 year makes, huh? 

Every birthday with Blakely is actually so bittersweet. I love being with her and raising her, but part of my soul is always sad for what I lost with Greyson. Every milestone and new trick I will not get to see with my Greyson- maybe ever, depending on how heaven is. 

And I can't believe I would have a two year old in 7 short weeks. Kill me. Oh my little itty baby G.... I so wish you were here with your little sister...and with your dad,...and with me. I will never stop believing you are actually gone ( like saying it to myself...did that really happen????) ( still in shock? I don't know.) I will also never stop wishing you were here.

Anyway, this is about Greyson's little sister today... Something to celebrate! We have a NINE month old!? Holy! how did that happen? I feel like in the last week, The Lord has really began to heal me, or rather, I am more open to allowing Him to begin healing my heart of the constant stress I had let seep in and control everything since Blakely was born. I am finally beginning to be able to enjoy having a baby. I was at a park on Easter, and He just said,"Myssi, look around, enjoy this.    Enjoy.

Enjoy it. Enjoy your living baby!"

Ever since then I have felt the tightness in the pit of my stomach start to erupt less and less. 

I am excited to see things a little differently before time just passes me by... excited to not close my eyes so often or clench my fists so tightly. (More on this later....)

So ....my second baby girl has officially been OUT as long as IN! That is something to be excited about. 

Personality

She loves to laugh and smile. Man, her smile is the best part of my day sometimes. She is totally a mama's girl still, loves to cuddle (yay!) and this month she began crawling all over the place and climbing everything. Was that last month? Hmm. Can't remember. Either way, I haven't been able to sit down much since then because we don't have yet what we need to keep her in a safe secure non-climbing place. Just today she bumped her head twice while climbing. It was so sad, some of her very first ow-ies.

 She is constantly greeted by strangers and it is just now becoming ok with me. Every single place we go, we talk to people. Side-note: I will be interested to see if this happens this summer in Indy.

 Anyway, I just now became even slightly interested in conversations with strangers. I'm still only ehh about it. Have my guard up for the dreaded questions. A lady followed me around Trader Joes last week asking me if my firstborn almost two year old was potty trained yet and giving me tips on how to get it started that very day. I was actually really appreciative of her tips and will use them with Blakely, but it didn't stop the sting of the real life fact of having two girls, but only one I get with me now and how people will just not let it be. 

Anyway, Blakely is sometimes shy with these people, she will hide her face in my shoulder, which I secretly adore. I always encourage her to say hi. Which by the way, she waves now. (Heart melt!) 

Anyway, I am praying for a softer heart towards these strangers that talk to us everyday... To be able to use our story to point them to Jesus... or even if Greyson doesn't come up, be friendly and so kind. 

She still has no teeth, just a few buds. That is ok with me.

She loves, loves, loves water. So it has been super fun to be able to see her enjoy different things like our pool, the beach, lakes, etc. 

She loves being chased by me, peek-a-boo and she loves little kids.

Eating

Enjoys anything I am eating, any time I am eating it. Well, I take that back....she *wishes* she could enjoy everything I eat, but I don't let her have some of the stuff I eat (honey, peanut butter, strawberries, etc. )

Each time I sit down with a bowl or plate or really anything that is going into my mouth, she is over with me in a snap. It's cute. 

She loves fruit, all fruit, especially frozen blueberries and bananas and clementines. She loves bread, bagels and tortillas, but we try to only give her tiny bits of those. She will eat most vegetables, doesn't like peas too much, but will eat like 6 or 7. 

Sleeping

She is doing really good right now. We pretty much take it a week at a time, because each week is sometimes so different than the one before. Right now, she is sleeping thru the night ---technically. Goes to bed at 7, wakes a few time for her paci sometimes, and has been going until 6 to eat again! Bt normally her "schedule" only lasts a few days and then changes. Like last night, she woke up at 3:45 starving. So whatever, right? At least we are getting way more sleep than last month! Very thankful. You go into it thinking you can handle it, then halfway thru, you go crazy. Haha.

Health

She is doing great. She was sick for the first time 2 weeks ago, then last week. Almost back to back. It was weird. She caught the head cold I got from her. Lol. So, my grossest moments with her have been the last 8 days dealing with all the drainage ....aka snot. Blarghf! Oh well, praising The Lord she is healthy now and hoping it continues! Going for her 9 month check up a little late (in 2 weeks) but excited to see how much she weighs and her height.

She is doing better at potty training this month, which is awesome!

We love her so badly ...as we say...and can't wait to continue to watch her grow!

Thank you Jesus for two little girls!

 

Only 3 more months left...

It recently dawned on me that our second born daughter will be 9 months in 10 days! Time has flown by! Gah. 

I am loving every minute I get to spend with her! She is such a happy baby!

I don't want her to grow up ...and I do. Mostly.... I just went her to turn 1 so I don't have to worry about SIDS again. 

Innocence was definitely  stolen from me after losing Greyson. I have love-hate relationship with every nap Blakely takes and every hour she sleeps at night. I can't stand how the memories of Greyson invade the beauty and joy of Blakely. But they do. I have no choice but to wander if "this is the last time I will get to hold my breathing baby" 

And please don't tell me I am not trusting The Lord.

 I am. At least I am trying to. 

I know His perfect plan and will, I am not stupid to think that by me worrying or fretting or praying extra hard I can change those things. He has the number of our Little Sister's days already chosen and He already knows what He is going to do with her life. (I am secretly so excited to see what He has for her!!! Ok, not secretly.) 

But all that said, I still wonder if she has the same "issue" Greyson had. Recently,okay, not so recently, but last November, I came across some really amazing new finds in the world of SIDS. Finds I hate and are stupid, but it's better, 1000% better, than what I was left walking out of the hospital with on June 13th, 2012.  It was an article that was basically saying that scientist have been working on SIDS and coming closer to a "reason" than ever before. When there is a cause, there could be a cure, right?! The things they are discovering have nothing to do with position of sleep, smoke, gender, mattresses, co-sleeping, etc. Instead it has to do with a lack in the brain, maybe of serotonin, they think.  They took samples of babies who died of SIDS, that is how they are coming up with this information. The brains were different of a baby who died of another cause.

 A reasonable cause. An understandable cause. 

SIDS is the dumbest thing because it doesn't make sense ....and all along professionals have been grasping at straws trying to tell us that it's the environment that causes a baby to die.

Big fat NO. 

Even right after Greyson died, I knew that there was something that just wasn't right in her brain. Something forgot to fire or spark.  But I couldn't prove it. 

Anyway, all this to say, SIDS still kicks my butt and I hate it, but I am glad there are scientists out there doing research. A screening or a cure would be amazing. 

Because ....my fear? This happening again. To us. When we least expect it. 

Anyway, here's to 3 more months! Praying I just have fun and enjoy them, not wishing them away! 

 

8 months old!

Today our little Squishy turns 8 months old! 

(Playing with her friends Alex & Asher)

Time is flying by! Some days do go so slow, while others speed by, but the months are going like crazy! It's so bittersweet!

We're having so much fun with her. Just this week she has decided to pull herself up onto e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. And if she can't, she gets all fussy. Reminds me of myself. Kinda determined and then kinda all upset if it doesn't work out. Yikes. 

Even today, she was up...and then she forgot she couldn't walk yet, but tried anyway. It was not too bad of a fall, but it sure scared her! I doubt that will stop her, but ya never know. 

PERSONALITY

She is such a Momma's girl right now still. Follows me around everywhere and wants to climb on me and be right next to me every time I come into the room she's in. I think she doesn't understand that she isn't apart of me. Haha. It's so cute. Hard to keep up with stuff sometimes, but it's ok. She has the cutest smile ever- so gummy, tongue out and nose crinkle. Love it! 

I feel like she could be a little strong willed, but that could just be me mistaken her newfound love of climbing for something it's not. (ie: must climb, if can't climb,gets mad) I kinda hope it's just a phase. 

EATING

She is eating a little more and more each week. She still loves her oats and last week she started eating black beans to my delight. Now her and I can share since Adam isn't too fond of them. ;) ( but he will eat them, so that's good)

SLEEPING

It's going much better this month. She seems to always go to bed between 7-8p, then wakes up to eat at 5:30. Then lately her and I will jump on our guest futon and sleep until 9a! HUGE HUGE blessing!  Gives me some much needed extra sleep. Hoping next week sometime to begin waking up at 8ish to get some stuff done.( quiet time, work out, etc) I require a lot of sleep, so the last 8 months have been rough. I have been trying to pray every night that God just wakes me up earlier. We'll see.

HEALTH

Still going strong and nothing minor or major sick wise.

RIGHT NOW 

She isn't really pooping on the potty chair because she's a sneak and goes the minute after she wakes up, so I never catch her. Bummed, but it's ok, we will pick it back up soon.

She loves water and singing songs still. She loves taking walks and loves to army crawl e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e!

She's so cute and the best little sister ever! So thankful we've has these special 8 months with her!

Homemade DIY Carrot Face Lotion with SPF 40

Ok, so tbh ( to be honest- for all people like me who just figured out what that meant!) this stuff, once carrot is added, doesn't smell awesome. But, I consider it worth the momentary discomfort for the value of the ingredient.

Ok, so what you need:

A container with a lid. ( I use an old GNC lotion container)

Coconut oil

Beeswax

Olive Oil

Shea butter or cocoa butter 

Vitamin E

Carrot oil

Glass jar

So, this recipes really depends on how big your container is. So I measure mine by sight and feel based on the container I use above.

But it's basically equal parts coconut oil and Shea butter and then 2 tablespoons or so of olive oil and beeswax. Put all this in the glass jar. Boil a few inches of water in a pan while stirring the items in the glass jar until melting. 

After fully melted,carefully remove the  glass jar and immediately add Vitamin E, stir, then add 3-5 drops of Carrot, stir, then ASAP pour into your container. Beeswax is a MONSTER to clean up, so I always use an old spaghetti sauce jar then throw the sucker away. Ugh, too much clean up.

I then put the lotion in the fridge for a few hours to set. Then it's ready to use and wow, it is so good for your face. 

At night, I also swipe the bottom of my foot with it. ;)

Wondering why Carrot Oil is so good for you?

This is a screen shot from my favorite Essential Oil company called Eden's Garden- read what they have this say! Also, this is perfect as a natural sunscreen as Carrot Oil has a natural SPF of 38-40!! The second highest natural SPF!! 

Life Lately

I wanted to try to update this once or week or twice a month from now on. We will see. I am always finding and trying new things that I feel like people should know about! Well.... Some things anyway, haha.

So here goes to our life lately.

DOING:
Here in Florida, we can be outside year round. So we try to always be doing something. Lately, Blakely and I have been taking morning walks (again) together. She loves looking at the birds, palm trees, leaves and the many many dogs. (People in Sarasota *love* their dogs!) She hasn't quite decided if she likes them yet. We also play outside on our big patio sometime,go to the chiropractor and Target.  I definitely don't do as much as I thought I would with her by this age. I need to always be considering naps and  she is always needing sleep! And huge bummer, so far she doesn't like the beach, the 2x she has been)....but that will change when she can play in the the sand I am sure.

Look at the little yellow bathing beauty!



How  I'm doing:
Decent. This week was Greyson's 21 month mark. I feel so sad sometimes, but still healing and joyful and full of life again because of Blakely. I can't imagine being where I was from June 2012-June 2013  again. I feel different from her, but not the same as I was before, if that makes sense.  I just am so thankful that God knows what He is doing. I am thinking ahead on how to celebrate her 2nd birthday. :(

EATING:
About 2 weeks ago, I really jumped ship of my bad ways and have began eating 90-95% clean again. I have been cooking a lot with oats for me and Blakely, adding them into Smoothies, making homemade cookies and protein bars. I love Oats. 

Anyway, I decided I need to begin praying for a change of attitude towards food-- eat to live, not live to eat. And also, removing the emotional aspect of food that plagues so many women, myself very much included. 

I feel like the LORD has been answering and changing me and I have been doing pretty good. I am trying to be flexible and allow myself some room to breathe, since this is a lifestyle, not a diet. So far I love it and feel wayyyyy better and have more energy.
Other than Oats, I am eating a lot of delicious Florida Fruit, avocados, romaine heart  and          spinach salads(yum!!) and some of this quality stuff...

Adding natural peanut butter to tons of stuff now! ( homemade Ice cream, granola bars, Greek yogurt, etc) And those almonds were....bomb!

GOING:

Not very many places, but still having fun. I am *going* to the gym almost everyday now, though.

Not that kind...haha.

I try to go during Blakely's long afternoon nap. I'm there for about 20-30minutes, lifting and doing interval running on the treadmill. People, I have been out of shape 100% since getting pregnant with Greyson. I walked a ton with her, but that was it. 

  

LOVING 

-the way I feel after a work out. (Stronger.)

-the way Little Squish crawls to me and sucks on my shoulder each and every time I pull her out of bed.

- the way she loves to be on top of me and with me every.single.second. Though it is hard to get anything done. 

-the way she talks now.

- being more mindful of being healthy....actually caring.

-Florida weather. No snow here!

- my Chiropractor! He has helped me so much with my back (pinched nerve and tilted hip) and neck (military neck) ahh, I was in so much pain after we moved, now it's way better. :)

- sunshine and vitamin D

MAKING:

Things like, our own foaming handsoap, playing around with shampoo (tired of paying big monies to strip my hair,) and healthy food and snacks. Learning how to make a lot of the cookie goods I love out of simple ingredients like coconut oil, cocoa, honey, oats, peanuts butter,etc. (Recipes to follow.) I'm also going to be trying a few new recipes for homemade bread next week. Tired of the junk they cram in store bought. ( seriously, do you even know?) Also going to be experimenting with these things called Soap Nuts next week! Eee, I can't wait! (For shampoo and possibly laundry detergent!)

LEARNING:

To pray more for my mouth, my temper and attitude.

Take the small moments I do have to read a devotional, pray,etc.

To play more with my baby and wait til she's asleep to do the stuff I need or want to do.

How to structure her day for her best well being. 

How to avoid some challenges with her. ( for instance, since gaining her independence and army crawling e-v-e-r-y-where... She no longer enjoys being confined. She would scream when I would put her in her Bumbo to eat. I,stupidly at first assumed she was in pain somehow. Nope, just stubborn and angry. So after she wakes up and nurses, I change her diaper and carry her right down to her Bumbo before she even tastes freedom. She hasn't screamed since I prayed about that one. 

It's tough being a parent. Need wisdom and discernment constantly.

FINDING:

These apps to be extremely helpful in the things I'm about.

-SkinDeep- scan your beauty products, see if they are good for your or not. Cancerous or not. Eee.

-Edibly- scan your food to see what is in it that is good or bad!

-Eat this, not That.

- Butt, Leg, Arm workouts!

-Fitbit

-Essential Oils are good for everything! Recipes to follow on my new DIY carrot face lotion! Loving  Eden's Garden brand!! Christian company and good therapeutic grade stuff! And ....cheap!! ( they cut out the middle man!)

To close, we are loving living here in Florida, Adam is loving his new job and the best part is it's remote, so we can be wherever we want to be and he is home all the time! 

And that's a wrap... 

Our little 7month old!

Blakely is 7 months old today!

We can't believe it! She is such a fun & curious little thing, we're so privileged to be her parents.

I have severely underestimated the role of being a Mom. I had no idea the unconditional love & joy she'd bring, nor the tiredness or work of dying to myself day in & day out. I love her so much & each day I get to be with her & teach her & help her grow, is such a blessing to my soul.

Here's some things I wanted to note & remember about her 7 month old self today ( sad I haven't done this her whole life, but maybe I'll start now!)

PERSONALITY
Over the last month, she has become way more serious. She has this cute little lip pursing she does when she's thinking a lot about something. It's so endearing. She will laugh mostly at me if were playing peek-a-boo or if I'm running at her. She gets freaked out by the slightest of noises- someone sniffing or sneezing, our Ac Turning on, a leaf blower outside. She loves itsy bitsy spider, Jesus loves me & Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We sing those plus a few more every night at bed time. She likes to read books & bang toys together. If she had her way, she would be on my right hip all day. She grabs & chews everything. She has also become a better traveler, more content & she loves going on walks, though she expires at about 30minutes. She loves to rough house in the early evening, it's adorable. She finally does a good job going grocery shopping with me (this happened at about 5 months). I could finally go & not worry about a melt down!
We don't go out too much- just to Publix, Chiropractor, Target & a few different parks for our walks. Normally on the weekend we go out & do stuff with Daddy & his help.
EATING
Blakely is still nursing every 3 hours ish but about 6 weeks ago, we began introducing solids to her. She hated carrots with a passion but has grown to like green beans, corn, bananas, mandarin oranges & recently I feed her oats almost every day. She mostly just wants our food, but we try to only give her a little here a there.
SLEEPING
Ugh. This is something were still working on. It is getting better. But every step forward always seems to have a step back & it kills me when we go backwards! Some nights she'll sleep from
7:30-6:30 with minimal wakes, other nights were up 5+ times! (Like last night) And sadly it affects the whole next day negatively. :( Hoping she gets the hang of it totally soon! Considering taking a few days to ween her off the paci (except for falling asleep).
TEETHING
She has one of the littlest buds on her bottom gum. So cute, wish my cam could capture it! Should be making progress soon!
HEALTH
She weighed 13lbs at her last appointment & was very short (weird?!) (10th percentile) haha. Sorry I don't remember stats! She's a cutie & shorty & there's not much hope in that dept!
She hasn't been sick, thank you Lord!

RIGHT NOW
I am teaching her how to go poopy in the potty. She's been doing great for three weeks with only 2 "accidents". She still pees in her cloth diapers which I'm
Fine with. My goal is just getting her used to the potty & hoping by 12 months, she's fully trained. That will mostly depend on me. She's pretty smart & knows what's going on around her.
She's also scooting like crazy & probably will crawl any day. Just today she's started pulling herself up!
Trying to figure out how much to "discipline" her when it comes to teaching her to stop doing stuff.
(Like splashing in the tub the whole time, or screaming unnecessarily, etc) Im still trying to figure out what she knows & what she doesn't & what's appropriate.) Askimg for wisdom on that one.

I think that's all, sorry no pictures, just enough time to get this written! Were so thankful for her seven months here with us!

Nothing worse than the silence after

 1 year, 7 months, 1 week, 3 days.

Mommy misses you more than words.

I miss holding your tiny little body.

I miss how you felt as a 5 pounder on my chest, skin to skin.

I miss your little screech.

It feels like a nightmare I once had.

But then I have random memories I cannot escape throughout each day...and I know it really happened...

You were ours for a split second, than without any warning, gone in a blink of an eye.

When the on call ER doctor finally reported to us that there was nothing they could do for you, I felt like I was going to die.

 I wished it, in fact. I wanted to be the one back in that room, to allow both of us to escape the pain.

It was like stepping into hell for a moment in time.

Kissing your warm yet going cold head and cheeks, trying to process and take in all that was happening, and trying to remember you...forever.



Not enough time to take you in. After 1 year and 7 months, Mommy fights to remember how you felt, what you smelled like and how you looked. I often look to our pictures scattered of you in our home to trigger a memory.

Having the nurses and doctors dissipate and leave me alone with you as we rocked. I don't even know if you were still alive at that point.

You were so still. Your little hands were down. I wanted to shake you back to life so bad.

There's no worse sound I have ever heard than the silence coming from you in that moment.

Handing you to whomever I did for the very very very last time was indescribable.

Walking out of that hospital...

Going home...

Trying to eat...  Sleep...   talk...   breathe

Now I live my life without you. The silence you left behind is sometimes excruciating.

You, my firstborn ....will never be here again. Never.

You will always be missing. Always.


I will always have to struggle through questions about our kids.

You don't get to be the big sister I really wish you could be right now.

I don't know anything about you. What makes you cry or smile or laugh. I don't even know if you are ticklish or what color eyes you ended up having.

Sometimes my soul just hurts.

It's not bitter anymore, just overcome with sadness sometimes, that part of me is missing.

The gift of your little sister has helped awaken my soul again to joy and hope. Before her, death was all around me. I was walking through the valley of it. With her new precious little soul, life has begun to blossom. Where there once was darkness, there is a beam of light. We are so thankful for her.

She has helped my soul find some healing.

Her life. Her sweet heart.

Her ....noise.

...has helped my heart break away from the silence you left behind.

And one day, when life is not mine anymore, Jesus knows, your voice will be the first I will want to hear.

If she didn't....then we wouldn't...

Was having a conversation with my sweet hubby the other day. We were just playing with Blakely and commenting on sweet she was and how fun she was. A lot more work than we anticipated, worth it and so fun.
Our chats went back to big sis Greyson. hIw should we a year and half now and wow, our lives would be full, but wow how we wish she could be apart of our family here on earth.
We wonder what she knows of us and we hope Jesus and others are filling her in. We imagine her so excited all the time for when we finally get to be altogether. If I was her, I would be! Always curious, always waiting, always asking if today was the day...
We so wish things were different. So badly. But we also realize gods sovereignty in pain and timing and in His plan. We have moved past 98% of the questions and just enjoy the blessing of little Blakely.
We remember a few days after GReyson died in that June. Waking up to horrendous pain, and drought and 100' heat... Crying out to God for mercy to just make it through this one day...and HE spoke.
He told me that He was giving us another baby.
And specifically another baby girl.

 I told my husband first and my Mom next. We wept thinking this could never be possible and thinking how wonderful it would be. Full of doubt, but expectation.

AndI remember sitting at my 22 weeks Ultra Sound, with 4 months of convincing myself this was a boy, I would be happy and a girl would come later. I remember being jealous still of everyone having girls. We were in shock when she said "girl".

Yet,here we are. 1.5 years later from the time The Lord spoke HIS plan to my heart....with a heathy beautiful sweet baby girl who loves us and has brought us so much healing. SO much.

It's hard to imagine the "why's" anymore but I do sometimes wonder why BLakely is here and Greyson is not. When I come to that, I just simply stop and become thankful.

And as my hubs and I were chatting the other day, he said, "It's hard to believe it, but if Greyson WAS here,  Blakely would not be."

Made my heart a little sad. And thankful at the same time. Most people don't have to choose between children or just be "happy because they have something rather than nothing."

I would rather have both, but I know in time, I will...

Until then, we rejoice in everyday we get with our second baby girl and are so thankful God spoke blessing over our lives , even in tragedy. And we are thankful in the way He used lil GReyson's  two short days to show Himself to us and many others and how He has plans to continue to use her in the years to come.

Half Truths

Down here in Florida, everyone talks to my baby and I.

We love it about the half the time.

 She smiles and loves the attention, I like being able to chat with complete strangers (now that I am a mom to a living baby.)

Today, we did not love it.

I had no idea how many times I would be asked once I step outside my home if Blakely is my first.
This has happened since the belly began to pop out last February.

I am almost always on the defense before people even look at me, because I already know it's coming.

Today, I changed it up a bit.

I have never once not acknowledged my firstborn. Normally I have to answer real quick, say, "but oh she died." and watch in silence as they scramble for words or sometimes, just change the subject or sometimes I end up tryin to comfort ...them. :/

People are curious and I'm not mad. It's just hard to always be ripping open a wound with complete strangers all the time.


So, today, I decided to answer differently.

"Aww, she's cute! How old?"

"Thank you, Almost 5 months!"

"She's tiny.... so much hair....is she your first?"

 ugh...

"Nope" with a half smile.

"Let me guess, you have a boy?"

"Nope, another little girl"

"Awww, How old?"

Thinks for a minute. Trying to decide....

"18 months"

Blank stare. "Oh my, you are one very busy Mom! I bet your life is so chaotic!!?"

"Yes."

"Well, I hope they are best friends"

Heart ripped open. No response for awhile.

"I hope so, too."

I don't know how I feel about this.

It kinda felt better to me to answer that way to be honest.

 I DO have an 18 month old, I just don't "have her" like everyone else.

I'm tired of talking about her dying.....and to people that mostly will not care.

She's very much alive, just not here.

Plus, I'm missing her a lot as Christmas rolls around. Her second without us. But her second in the presence of the One we celebrate. How cool.

I just wish Blakely could know her...and could have the chance to be best friends with her. We will have to wait for that.

For now, I am just struggling with how to answer people who ask.

I may just settle for the "half truth" for awhile...

...and all the little children sing Hallelujah

I have wanted to write soo much for the past 3 months.

 Sometimes I will even wake up with a huge long thought...but then the days are full...and I don't come back to the thoughts I had been thinking.

Writing had been part of my healing process and I have missed it. I think I have needed it and I wish I had have kept up. There will never  be the "right time" to make time for it, so here I am.

Blakely is napping before we head to Punta Gorda for a cook-out with friends. (Outside. By their Pool. In the heat!)  It's weird to be typing that as some of my family and friends in the North part of the country are freezing and talking about snow and ice.

Today, while Blakely is sleeping, I wanted to make time to blog. I read a post earlier that struck a cord with me and got my thoughts moving and more tears flowing. Thinking of my precious daughter.
The one who is not here.

The one who turns 18 months old today. Without me. Without her Daddy or her little sister.

Kills me.

Sunday, while we were visiting our friends church in Venice, I was especially overcome with grief.

Stinks when it hits you in a public setting.

You have to attempt to control it, move your thoughts elsewhere, or you'll end up standing in your own puddle of tears while those around you watch in confusion.

We were singing a worship song, I don't even know what it was. (I have noticed that worship brings me "closer to" Greyson. Mostly it's when worshiping at church. Weird way to put it, but you'll understand why soon)

I think it's because I am singing and declaring things to my very soul. And my soul still feels kinda broken from losing her. But my soul is connected to HER...and Jesus... so makes sense.

One part of the song's chorus repeated this phrase... "and all the children sing hallelujah...".
Got me.

I was instantly taken to a vision of my little Greyson standing before the Throne, singing to her King.

...and My King.

He loves loves loves loves LOVES little children. He loves hearing them praise Him. He loves hearing my Greyson sing to Him. Her little dark skin and hair and tiny-ness. Her little tiny voice of squeaks and mumbles. Oh man, how I long to hear that voice.

As much as I love her. As much as I miss her. As much as I want her.

He does.

Even more.

And she loves singing to Him. He showed me that on Sunday. Made my heart happy and sad all at the same time.
He pulls her up onto His lap and cuddles her and kisses her and then sends her toddling on her way.

Part of it kills me to think about. The other part I am so so thankful that Heaven is her HOME and that is where she LOVES to be. That is where she is growing up.

But the other part would do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to be with her.

Jesus has blessed us so much with her little sister. She literally brings so much joy and smiles and healing to us every single day. I really cannot wait for them to meet. We pray everynight that Jesus tells Greysonthat we say "Hi" and that "we miss and love her"

I just wonder what she is up to today, on her birthday.

I long for Heaven.

 I can't wait for her to show me around.

 I can't wait to just look at her.

I can't wait to listen to her sweet small tiny little voice sing praises to our King.

One day....

Happy Birthday Little Sister

As I write this, my lil 2nd born daughter is sleeping very happily in the middle of our bed, on her belly, with me watching close by from the glider her and I meet at at least 2-3x a night to nurse on.

Today, she turned one month old. Her and I spent the day together; we took a long walk this morning, she took a long nap, ate a bunch, had a warm bath and then went out with her Daddy and I for a tiny little bit tonight.

Throughout the day, as I praised God for one month with Blakely, I couldn't help but be a little sad for not being able to know this joy with Greyson. I cried as I pushed the jogging stroller we bought for Greyson down the driveway. But I rejoiced as I listened to praise music with Blakely quietly napping as we walked. It's such a sweet time, but there is still some "bitter" that sticks around.

I always thought to myself, "Once Blakely is here, there will be no more tears or feeling grief.". I read of other Mom's who lost their first, went on to be blessed with a second, and still dealt with the loss of the first (if not more so, due to lack of sleep, exhaustion, etc.) I always wondered how they could? How was there time or room for more crying?

But then I am a month in now, and I understand more.

I remember Greyson's 1 month birthday, 14 months ago. It was my birthday. It was misery. I remember wondering how things were ever going to "feel better" or "normal" again.... and for the most part...I feel better...since having a living breathing baby girl. I don't really feel normal yet.

I am always waiting for Blakely to... not continue living. My thought process is really messed up. I will be away from her for a moment--- folding laundry, she's napping, I'm in the other room, she's being held by someone away from me, etc....and I come in to find her ...blue in the face... Then my thoughts go to.... how will I respond? What will I do? Is there good enough reception to get 911?
Sometimes before I begin doing something, I think..."Well, what if we end up in the ER again today, will I have this done, or a shower taken, or... ?"

it is really kinda messed up, right?

That is why I don't feel normal.

I don't really feel anxious, but what I just wrote up there makes it seem like I am struggling with fear and anxiety, huh?

Blakely sleeps with a Snuza Hero on.  It's a battery powered alarm that lays on her belly and attaches to her diaper. It monitors her breathing and goes off if after 15 seconds, no movement has been detected. We have one that the battery hasn't lasted very long at all. Like, in the month we've had it, we've gone through like 6. Crazy. Two nights ago, we awoke to it's alarm going off. I was in dead sleep (I have lost TONS in 1 month) so I initially thought it was my husband's alarm to get up and work. It wasn't, both our heart's stopped and we jolted up and started touching her chest and face.... worst feeling ever. Worst. I was like, "Is she breathing?!?!" And it was hard to figure out what to do at that point. (The alarm had just moved away from her diaper and she was fine, didn't even open an eye or jolt during the whole episode) (Cute little chica) By God's grace, we were both able to fall back asleep.

One time, I was nursing little Blakely alone. I started crying and could not stop. I had my eyes closed and all I could think of was Greyson. How the last time she was alive, was nursing and in my arms.... but how the last time I saw her/felt her was when she was taking her last breaths in my arm....turning blue... going to Jesus.

I am sorry if this is too morbid, I am not trying to be. With a newborn, a tiny lil girl, just like Greyson, these things are *constantly* on my mind. I rehearse, prepare, plan, assume the worst---and please--- it's not because I want to... I am not expecting the Lord to give us sorrow upon sorrow... I just am battling through memories and thoughts and fears.

I am not a mess or close to a melt-down or developing a twitch, I just am learning to trust the Lord day in and day out with our little gift from Him, trying to release her to Him each moment I feel afraid and remember she is simply on loan to us, a borrowed blessing. The more I cling, the more I lose.

It's hard when you love something so much.

I didn't get one month with Greyson, like I have had with Blakely. It has been hard and exhausting, but so sweet and healing. I miss her when I am away from her for longer than 10 minutes. I always feel relieved when she is back with me. I look back at the last year and have no idea...no idea...how I continued day in and day out...knowing how I feel after 10 minutes being gone from Blakely...  as minutes turned to days turned to months and now a year...of being away from my little Greyson. My heart aches for her. The only way through that was Jesus. That's all. He was and still is so good to us through it all.

We are thankful for the time we have been given with our second lil babydoll. Each new day I get to wake up and feed her, love her, hold her, watch her... I feel so thankful and blessed.

The Story of Blakely Eliana Hope

Very much hoping I can write this all before she wakes up ready to eat again. :)

After our firstborn daughter unexpectedly died of "SIDS" on June 13th, 2012, all...and I mean all I could think about was getting pregnant again.

I really did not care about losing the baby weight, letting my body heal, "giving it time" or anything. All I...and my husband wanted, was to have another baby. I was angry it would take another 9 month pregnancy to get that, but knew it would hopefully be worth it in the end.

We started trying asap and finally got pregnant the very first of November, 2012. Those months were excruciating. Waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Dealing with grief. Drinking the bitter cup. Watching others deliver healthy babies, get pregnant without even trying, etc.

The month I got pregnant, the Lord had laid on my heart to lay everything down- my dreams, anger, jealousy, constant worry and fret over trying to get pregnant, watching dates/times, buying things to help us out, etc. I got rid of everything, asked for forgiveness and tried to focus on something else.

I had lost all my baby weight (40+ pounds in 12 weeks, thank you Jesus) and was a little less stressed than the previous months. The trauma of losing our baby weighed heavily on me, affecting my health, I am sure.

The Lord blessed us with our 2nd baby, we told our friends and family around Christmastime who were all really excited for us.

January-March were really hard, sick and barfing a lot, plus exhausted almost constantly and almost any task seemed overwhelming and just not worth it. Being pregnant AND grieving was very hard.

On top of all this, I asked myself why in the world I was "doing this again" all the time. Preparing and assuming the worst, but still attempting to trust the Lord who does everything for our good and to prosper us. I couldn't imagine Him allowing a second, consecutive death of a baby. I would tell myself, "No, stop, don't even go there." weekly, if not more,  every time the thought entered into my head of putting together another funeral, seeing our baby die right in front of our eyes again and then going on with another year or grieving plus trying to get pregnant .....again.

Since Greyson's death was never really resolved, it seemed totally possible for death to strike again.

Spring went by with the dread of Greyson's first birthday approaching and us finding out the Lord was giving us another little girl, just as He said He would a few days after lil G died. We couldn't believe it. You know with the Lord, sometimes He tells you things that are for...later. I was totally ok with a boy, but knew in my heart that it would be torture to try and want to be pregnant again to have another little girl. So we were so thankful He answered so quickly-- a prayer I didn't even really dare pray.

Greyson's birthday came and it was awful, yet ok. God surrounded us with love and covered us in grace. We were thankful. After her birthday, time flew by and before we knew it, we were heading to the hospital to deliver our second little girl!

We showed up around 6a...everything got going by 9a, water broke at 10, got an epidural right before that, barely had to push twice and she was out after 2p. It was a quiet, yet very stressful and emotional day for us. Easiest labor in the WORLD compared to Greyson, though hers was also pretty quick, just not easy. I loved being able to cry and enjoy our new baby girl as soon as she was placed on me, instead of continue to writhe in pain!

During the pregnancy, I prayed she would come early, come quick, have lots of hair and that I would not tear during labor as I had with Greyson. The Lord answered ALL those prayers and I was so thankful. We had an amazing doctor and a very sweet compassionate nurse. I had also prayed for that. :)

 We named our second little girl Blakely Eliana Hope, as most of you know. Her name means "In dark fields, my God answers with hope.". Very fitting of our last year.

Our little girl is now 3.5 weeks old, we love her to death. We deal with fear and anxiety. I have types of dread wash over me sometimes. I also assume the worst is about to happen (ie, falling down the stairs with her, waking up and her blue in the face, accidentally dropping her, car wrecks, etc.). Please pray for us that these things go away. Nights are the hardest, but definitely getting better. She sleeps in the middle of us in a "Snuggle Nest" that protects her from us and has breathable sides, etc. We leave a light on her face all night so we can just open our eyes and see she is moving and breathing, and she sleeps with a Snuza Hero on her diaper to monitor her breathing. These are just things that gives us a little piece of mind, we still aim to trust the Lord fully with the days of her life and the number of those days, it is just hard when you have the kind of trauma we have had.
I have never poked a baby so much in my life! But she is very tolerant and I know God made her just that way for us!

She is the smily-est baby ever! Before she was even 24 hours old, she had smiled at us a dozen times. She smiles so so so much and it is always as a response to our voices or laughs! I love it and am always thanking the Lord she is so joyful and sweet! Can't wait to see what kind of little girl she will turn out to be. Every night before I lay her down, we say our prayers about our character... I need that just as much as she will :)

We are so thankful the Lord brought us this little piece of Heaven to enjoy and to heal and bring us hope. :)

DIY hairbow holder

 Before Greyson was born, my Mom and I made a lot of hairbows for her. Flowers, bows, ribbons, etc.
After she died, I chose to still keep those flowers trusting that Jesus would give us another little girl to put them on.
And He did.
In a matter of hours or days, she will be here, Lord willing, wearing these cute flower and bows in her hopefully full head of dark hair.
Just waiting... and holding onto His Hands until...she is here...

 About a month ago, I wanted a way to display all of the homemade bows so we could see what she had each day hour she needed to match one with an outfit. I found this idea on Pinterest, but it was so simple and cheap, I thought I would share anyway.

Above is a little collage of how it is done, but I will explain really quickly, too.

Buy or use an old picture frame.
(I bought a nasty stained wood one for $0.50 at a Garage Sale.

Buy the color paint you want.
(I bought a tiny bottle of pink spray paint from Walmart for around $3)
I washed the frame, then sprayed 2 coats.

After it was good and dry, I plugged in my hot glue gun and cut 5 long ribbons all matching length.

I flipped the frame over to it's backside and glued the ribbons on semi-tightly and cut the extra off.
Waited for that dry, then added all the hairbow clips.

At the bottom of the frame, I put in multi-colored push-pins to hold the bows with no-clips.

As you can see, this lil lady already has way more hairbows than she she can possibly manage...but we will see. They can be used for a very long time, they are not specific to a size, so that is why there are so many. And I can cut the elastic off the smaller ones to fit her when she is 3 or 4 if she still is into wearing them.
I should do a blog on how to make  flower bows from cheap flowers or left-over fabric, but that is for a different time. I keep learning of new ways of making them and they are so fun and SO much cheaper than store bought!

DIY Homemade Body Butter and Facewash

My last post was supposed to include these final 2 recipes, and I still have no idea what happened to them, since they were attached to the other blog... oh well.

Here they are for those who have been asking:

Homemade Body Butter
Coconut Oil 3-5 spoonfuls
Vitamin E 4-6 capsules
Olive Oil 2-3 tablespoons
Shea Butter 3/4 a cup
Eucalyptus, Lavender, Lemon or Vanilla Essential Oil  10-15 drops

I really don't follow an exact recipe, I just kind of eye it. This time I used Eucalyptus and have loved it. It smells like and is like a homemade Vic Vapor Rub. 

All you do is dump all of this in a bowl and mix it for about 8 minutes. It will create a whip type lotion that is awesome!

Homemade Facewash

Coconut Oil melt 2 Tbsp

Baby Wash 2 Tbsp

Baking Soda 2tbsp

Vitamin E 3-5 capsules

Witch Hazel 2 Tbsp

Olive Oil 1 Tbsp

Water 2 Tbsp

This stuff works awesome and leaves your skin feeling so soft. I still am not 100% loving this recipe and will be tweaking it again next time. It is still great, I just feel like I am doing 1 thing wrong.

Anyway, all you do mix all of this up for a few minutes and done! Make sure and shake before use each time!

DIY Mouthwash

Here's a few natural DIY recipes that I may have posted on here before, but have tweaked since.

My hubby and I use these daily and love them. :)

Mouthwash:

We just finished up the rest of our regular mouthwash and reused the bottle.
You fill it up with half water, half hydrogen peroxide. Shake it.
Then add about 1/4 cup of baking soda (depending on your bottle size)
More shaking. it will probably fizz at this point.
Then add about 20-25 drops of peppermint Essential Oil and shake 1 more time.
Then it's ready! It takes a few days to get used to, since we are used to sweet mouthwash and this is a kinda salty in a way.
Always shake before use! It's super cheap, and really good for your teeth! A natural whitner!