Trying New Things/Struggling with New Things

I promised myself... and my husband (lol) that this pregnancy, I would stay off pinterest...well at least the "Food" part of pinterest. FAIL.

I have a condition where if I see something delicious, & I am even remotely hungry, and that particular thing looks good...It doesn't leave. What is that called? It's only when I'm pregnant.

Haha, anyway. Chicken Salad has been my thing for about 4 days. Why? Because I saw it on Pinterest. So today, I went to Target and grabbed just a few things to complete the recipe. I actually made up my own version. And we ate it for lunch... and we (Fatty and I) loved every last bite of it. I tried to make it for today only (because I am really terrible at eating the same thing twice in early pregnancy), but I think I made enough for 2 more sandwiches. And my husband doesn't like chicken salad, so I am stuck with it.

Here's a picture and recipe after in case now you, too are hungry for some goodness:

2 piece of Whole Wheat Bread
4 pieces of lettuce

1-2 chicken breasts cooked & seasoned & chopped to bite size
 1 hard boiled egg chopped
2 tablespoons of organic mayo
2 tablespoons of plain greek yogurt
4 chopped green onions
2 chopped celery
8 pieces of spinach chopped
salt n pepper
(You can also add corn, black beans, tomatoes or black olives, but we were too hungry to mess with all that)
mix all these ingredients together, then put on the bread with lettuce. Eat.

Super packed with protein & greens.  Your body will thank you. Now, I am hoping to just keep it in. I made myself a really good smoothy to eat this morning
(Watermelon, strawberries, banana, cranberry juice, spinach and kale cubes, blueberries, flax seeds, pinaeapple greek yogurt, lemon, honey) and I have fought so so hard to keep it IN all day. Dry heaved a ton, but it stayed put. (I honestly would rather just throw it up, dry heaving it just as bad, but oh well)

A friend suggested I try sucking hard core on Jolly Ranchers...to help with Nausea, Stomach Aches, etc. So, I ran go some of these today:

Sucking on one right now, hope they help....with something.

Lately, I have also been playing around with a few different things for my hair and teeth.

My hair is red with lots of blonde highlights, so it needs tons of moisture. Plus, I really would love for it to grow faster, even living on the best of the best pre-natals out there for, oh, I don't know, going on a year and a half now, still I don't see it growing faster. 

So, I read something on Pinterest a few weeks ago that this lady does. It can be time-consuming, but super worth it.

Right before you wash your hair, take a decent size handful of coconut oil and massage it into your scalp. Then, take another huge handful (well, my hair is long, so depending on your length) (too much won't hurt, just be harder to wash out.) and rub into the rest of your hair, coating the ends.

Then, twist it up and stick it on the top of your head, cover with cap. I rigged up something that holds my hair-dryer on the counter and I can sit on the rug and read devotions while it blows hot heat on low for 15 minutes. OR, you can leave it on for 30, while walking around the house, getting stuff done.

We also love doing this in the summer, while laying out. BEST.  

I began adding Virgin Olive Oil (a quarter size) all over my hair on top of the Coconut Oil, too. 

I have been doing this 2x a week for 3 weeks now and it has changed the texture of my hair. It is so soft! And I know it is helping my hair at least strengthen, if not grow faster. We'll see.

Another thing that has helped is stopping using Pantene Pro-V and spending a few extra bucks (Like $6) on Joico (it was on sale) shampoo WITHOUT sulfates or Sodium LAURYL --the super bad detergent for your hair that strips it and is in almost EVERY single "cheap" shampoo.

Anyway, I am not obsessed with my hair, I am just trying to help it out. :) 

About 2 years ago, I heard about brushing your teeth with baking soda.

"Mildly alkaline, baking soda dissolves in water in order to penetrate tooth enamel. With a slightly abrasive action, the free radicals that are emitted once baking soda is mixed in water help to scrape off the yellow or brown stains that buildup from drinking coffee, tea, colas or from smoking or chewing tobacco. In this way, the mixture is able to break down discoloration as it interacts with stain molecules to lighten and brighten teeth.

Baking soda also removes plaque, helping to prevent toothy decay and to freshen the breath. As one of the least expensive substances on the market, using baking soda is a great way to avoid spending money on commercial teeth whitening kits or thousands of dollars on in-office whitening treatments."

 

So, I began doing this about 2 years ago, 1x a day. I just buy a regular box of baking soda, get my toothbrush wet and sprinkle some on. It's not a great taste, compared to the sweetness of toothpaste. Put you just try to coat all of your teeth, then swish around for a lil bit. Do this FIRST, then brush with regular toothpaste to get that saltiness out. At least, that is what I do. :)

 

Anyway, I do a bunch of other stuff "naturally", like deodorant, hair detangler, face wipes/make-up remover, etc. But we won't go into that today. I am hoping to move into homemade laundry detergent that my Mom has made and works (!) and ALL homemade home cleaner.

 

Ok, 2 more things than on with the other stuff.

I read about ways to regrow your own celery and green onions on...pinterest. (Dang, where would I be without this?) And I am trying it! I have celery from today's chicken salad. I bought organic specifically for this:

So, this idea is to cut it down to just the base. Instead of tossing the base, rinse it off and place it in a small saucer or bowl of warm water on or near a sunny windowsill — base side down and cut stalks facing upright. 

Then after about a week, you should begin to see lil sprouts. Then transfer celery base to a planter and cover it completely except for the new leaf tips with a mixture of dirt and potting soil. Check out my pinterest for more instructions. 

 

SO, this is my first "growing my own food" experiment. I hope it succeeds, because I have big plans for this Spring and a garden. 

 

Apparently, with green onion, you can do the SAME thing, REGROW it with what you have! Insane.

Basically just keeping the roots you do not use in water with the remaining green onions, in one week, you're supposed to have an entire new green onion in replace of the one you used? So, I am going to try to get that started today and see if it works. All I need is a sunny window for both of these projects. Oh, wait, it's dreary outside, for the 100th day in a row. Two thumbs down.

 

But I will let you know how these turn out. :)

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Things I'm struggling with & PRAYING about right now:

 

Fear playing itself out in my dreams.

Last night, I dreamt, for the like 8th time that I was miscarrying baby #2. I literally "peed" this baby out and it hurt. And it would, at this point, being the size of a peach. I remember trying to grab the baby out of the toilet...and I remember feeling SO depressed that I lost the baby AND that I would have to relive the WORST parts of pregnancy (wks 7-18) again AFTER trying to get pregnant again. UGH. Not fun. I wake up and just pray and surrender the baby to the Lord again and ask the Lord for peace. And He gives it. Please pray for me. 

Contentment.

I am ready for something new. I am going crazy. In my mind, I have the perfect solution. However, I can't do one bit to control that or make it happen. So, I Wait. Watch. Pray. I would love to be

1. back in Florida (even just for a lil bit)

2. purchasing our first home BEFORE baby #2.

I need to be keeping my mind way busier and be working with my hands. Ever since Greyson went with Jesus, my husband and I have prayed for open doors for me. His life "went on" with work, mine did not. 

Sooo, it has been a huge challenge. I have time, so I am praying God fills it. And I am involved in a few different things, and I keep busy, but I would love to be fixing up a home right now. 

Like this one:

It's 20 miles North of  Sarasota, Florida, where we are attempting to move. I am praying God saves this house just for us. It has land (1-2 acres, not much, but perfect) enough bedrooms for our babies and company. A big lanai annnnnnddddd a pool!

Enough for a decent size garden, fruit trees and mostly, playing.

And the pool= my favorite part. I love this house. Maybe, say a prayer we can have it? Lol. :)

Yesterday, the Lord was convicting me of just praying selfishly...
James 4:3
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so you can spend it on your pleasure." So I repented and am trying to go from there. Asking how He can use these next 5 months best before baby but also serving others and being available. Even though...

I still feel extremely anti-social.
Sometimes my only goal when leaving the house is to NOT run into anyone I know. I don't want to have a fake conversation. I don't want to hear about how great your life is going. I am ssoo mean . And I do not feel like my life is going so badly, I really don't. I just still live in this world of "my baby died and isn't here" so the things I hear from some people, I just have trouble caring about.  (GOOD FRIENDS, this does not apply.)

And finally...

I am struggling with feeling depressed at times.
I had this with Greyson UNTIL we got to Florida. It's the longgggg winter nights, combined with being sick for weeks and having bad stomach aches almost every evening that I can do nothing about, not being able to go outside ever or go on long walks with my hubby without freezing to death, and of course hormones. And this time, add grief to the mix.

 So, I am praying about this one, AND all the others of course. But I just want to snap out of it, LIVE ABOVE MY CIRCUMSTANCES and find joy in the Lord as I WAIT for His guidance over our lives.

Definitely learning patience.

Sorry to ramble on and on. This is just where I'm at and what I'm doing right now. Thank you SO much for your prayers. :)

And we know that God causes everything to work together or the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Phil 4:8)

 

1st Doctor Appointment

Had my 12/13 week appointment and Ultra Sound a few days ago.

I was pretty stressed the morning of and while waiting forever in the waiting room. All I cared about was hearing the heartbeat. I prayed that the doc could find it quickly and I could hear it.

With Greyson, the 1st doc I had, had trouble finding it, but she heard it very briefly and only enough so she was satisfied. I didn't hear it and enjoy it until about week 17.

Anyway, the morning of, I was having such bad stomach issues, I thought I wasn't going to be able to leave. I listened to Psalms as I got ready and that calmed my soul a little. I don't know what it is, but there are sometimes such strong emotions and nerves, they felt paralyzing that morning.  I felt like something was going to be wrong and I just wanted it over with.

I have a sweet friend who is a month behind me with their 2nd pregnancy, but 1st baby, they had their first doc appt same day, just earlier. She warned me by text that the medical history part and the questions from the nurses could be painful.

I had to mark down my history...

Previous pregnancies: 1. Living Children: 0.

Death to my soul.

Somehow the nurse missed that part of the information, came in, made small talk and started typing and filling out info. Then came over to me to take my blood pressure while looking directly at me and asking "How's your little one?!". I was completely taken aback and struggled to figure out what to say. I looked at her, then simply said, "Ohh, she didn't make it." Then looked away and started quietly sobbing. She was sweet and said she was sorry for my loss and then said that it was impossible to take my blood pressure because it was way too high.

There were a few moments of silence as my Mom and I cried together. I was lost in a vision of my little girl being there with us as cute lil 7 month old. Then I realized that I more than likely would not even be pregnant if she had have been alive. I wanted/needed a good break before "doing that" again, I told my husband in late May, right before Greyson was born.

Anyway, I got through the rest of it, talked with the doc and then finally it came time to hear the heartbeat. The only reason I was there.

He found it super quickly and the baby was exactly where I knew he was. I was so thankful and relieved. It was a very strong loud fast heartbeat. My heart felt so much joy.

During the appointment, the doctor was trying to say this was a "High Risk Pregnancy". I feel like that can be debated and I am still not sure what I think.  We are going with our sweet midwife from Greyson and will have her until week 32-33.

If week 32-33, finds baby #2 not continuing to grow, we will make other decisions. I have fine with WHATEVER. I just pray I can keep this baby.

Already this baby is much different than lil G. Measuring 5 days ahead of schedule! We are calling him, our lil "fatty". Haha. We think he's probably a boy, but we don't know and we literally do not care. We get to find out in March.

Sooo, I got to leave the office almost a week ahead of schedule, which to me is awesome. First of all, I feel so disgusting almost all the time, so to have 5 days off the seemingly endless 40 weeks countdown... is a miracle. Annnnd to have a baby bigger than normal rather than smaller than normal (like G) is such a God-thing, just a lil reminder from Him to me that He is in control and will work everything out for our good, including the growth of this baby.

So, we're just in love with our lil baby growing inside and so thankful, praying always to trust Jesus and His plan, rather than ours, and trying to rely on Him for strength to walk through these next 5/6 months with courage, vision, excitement, joy and to not rely on our own thoughts and fears to dominate. It is way too long of a time (carrying a baby to term) to be stuck in  anxiety or fear of "what if's". But, I also realize that those emotions, along with many others, will be present, and it's my job to work them out and pray them out.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."   Phil 4:8

^"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

Bitterness

This week, especially yesterday, God begin revealing to me my bitterness again.

1. I have struggled with bitterness over losing my lil' baby.

2. Bitterness and envy over watching almost every single one of my friends deliver healthy babies since June.

3. Bitterness over what a few people have said and what some have not said since losing our little girl.

Yesterday, I was working on the last 2. I'm just tired of seeing it over and over.

I am totally happy for my friends, but to be honest, it is a very surfacy happiness. It doesn't go down deep, it is not rejoicing with them. Every time a friend has a baby, it takes me a few days to "get over it".

It's even worse when the last 2 bitterness issues are connected. Which happened about a month ago.
A ...friend... decided to send me the text announcement along with a picture of her newborn baby girl. After disappearing/putting barely any effort into our relationship the past 6 months. That was hard to take.  Needless to say, there was no response on my behalf. I could not do it. Eeee.

Now, when it is a true friend who is having a baby, I actually am happy for them. I am a lil envious. But I acknowledge it. I congratulate them. Then there's a minor distance for a lil while.
I will say, it does make it much easier that I am 1/3 done with baking baby #2, and soon I will have another baby in my arms.

But, I have decided that it's not for me to really visit while you have your newborn, or go out with you and your new baby, and I have really no desire to hold your baby. The last baby I held was mine, the next one I will hold, will be mine.

Plus, I am terrified of the emotions that will come out while holding a healthy baby that is not mine. It could be dangerous. And I will just wait til next July/August to deal with those. By myself. With my husband. With my new baby. Ohh, scary.

Yesterday, I was with a fellow baby-loss Mom, and we unfortunately got to venting over people who had disappointed us during the worst time of our lives; who had done really stupid things; and said some of the stupidest things ever at the worst times ever.
We had to cut our hang-out time on that note, without ever really encouraging each other to move past that.
The whole drive home, God was convicting me...

He has asked me repeatedly to stop talking about the 2 main people who have really urked me since losing lil G. But it just always seem to weave itself into certain conversations. Sadly.

As I was driving, these 2 verses came to my mind:
1. The more talk, the less the meaning. (Ecc 6:11)
2. When words are many, sin is not absent. He who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)

Then my friend and I touched base later just addressing our attitudes, and the theme of our text conversation was to remind ourselves that we fail and disappoint Jesus all the stinkin time...and yet, He loves us. He loves us deeply. And when one person says dumb things or one person chooses to ignore your pain, we immediately are offended and "over it". At least I am.

So, God has been reminding me of His great love and how the more I know Him, the more I should be like Him. He loves us deeply, can I love these few people deeply...from my heart? Can I forgive them truly? Forgive them with all my heart, mind, soul, strength? Once and for all? Move on, move forward? Stop bringing it up? Ask the Lord to help me forget? These are all the things I am praying over myself regarding these few people.

It's a process. Even though, I have spoken the words out loud ( I forgive them!)...um, it definitely takes way more than that. At least with me. At least with this situation.

Colossians 3:7-8
You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of all anger....

 James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of (it)...

 Proverbs 15:28
The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.


So, pray for me as I walk through this part of the process. I don't want bitterness to have a root in my heart over a few people who truly should have no power over my heart.

I feel like it's time to move forward, leaving those people...and their words and attitudes IN the past. God has more. He has blessed me with people who might not know what to say, but are there for me, who listen, acknowledge my pain, say sweet things, not stupid things.

I am thankful for them. And I believe I am supposed to focus on them, rather that the others. :)

Be at Rest my Soul

I've been thinking a lot on the word, "Soul" since my little baby died.

 I have read a lot of verses that talk about the "anguish in your soul" or "love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul". Job- "my bitter soul must complain." or David- "You will not leave my soul among the dead."

Isaiah 57 talks about God, being the maker of our souls. I've heard people say that our hearts and souls are the same. But, I believe our hearts are just our hearts that beat. Our souls make up our being, who we are. So, instead of saying "She has a really sweet heart" You'd really mean "Soul".

(I feel like I sound like I'm teaching a lesson. Haha...)

The two most important decisions we can make with our souls are these 2 things:

1. Believing in Jesus as our Savior; Savior of our souls.
 2. Choosing whom we marry. Whom we marry, we mingle our souls with.

(Mingling of Souls- which is "Dode" in Hebrew. It means "My beloved, my friend, my close one, my dear one, my intimate one, my kindred")

God takes the love you have with your spouse to create another soul, or really a house or body for Him to place a soul in. It's so strange to think of it that way, but so sweet.

 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." - Jeremiah 1:5. So, he knows us (our souls) before we're even formed in the womb!

That is crazy! So, he knew Greyson even before we got to know her...and he knows her little sibling, as well. He is forming this baby now, I love that thought.

I've thought a lot about this because I've thought a lot about why it mattered to be pregnant for 9 months only to create a body her soul would only be in for 2 days. Wouldn't it have been the same even just as miscarriage? Yep.
 I know her lil soul is with Jesus and that is where I will be when I die. It's not just, "Myssi is no more" or "Greyson is no more". Our souls matter.
I am learning to leave that question (why 9 months for 2 days?) behind and trust that Jesus had her days numbered even in the womb. AND Jesus has this baby's days numbered already, too. I so hope this baby's day outlast mine! 

I've thought about this a lot because it's sometimes so painful to think about my lil baby's body and how holding her until her lil heart stopped was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. And how it felt to just sit there and hold her even though I knew she was gone and her body was already turning cold. I hate thinking of that day. But, as I have mentioned before, I knew Jesus showed up and took her from me. So, I know He has her. Even if He hadn't have given me that vision, I'd still believe it.

We chose to cremate her, and when my husband and I have our own land, we will be burying that lil pink box hopefully under a pink dogwood tree. She has one planted at her Nana and Papa's house, and I can't wait to see it bloom with pretty pink flowers in April.

But, needless to say, my only hope in this tragedy, is in her soul being with the Lord in Heaven, waiting for me and her Daddy to get there, enjoying the Paradise that God created it to be for us, living in her mansion and being taken care of by all my friends and even angels, until we get there.

"For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave." (Psalm 16:10)

  On the flip-side, I feel like my soul is still continuing to heal from losing Greyson. But, I actually don't know if it will really ever heal. I feel like it has suffered anguish it never wanted to suffer and can never been restored until I'm with her again. Since she is part of me, and she is gone, part of me is gone with her, too.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." (Psalm 31:7) 

Thank the Lord! That He sees me and cares about the anguish my soul is working through.

People say having another baby will really "help". And I believe that to some extent. But I will always be thinking about her. I just know I will busier, fulfilled, happier; being a Mom to a baby on earth, so maybe I won't have time to think about her as often. ( I am praying this baby brings our souls laughter, joy and healing.) There will always be something missing, not enough to keep me from living and enjoying life, but just... missing.

It's sometimes soo sad to me to think about continuing on without her. Bringing another baby into our family when she is not here to welcome her lil sibling home, and be best friends with him or her, breaks my heart into a million pieces. She would've been barely 1 years old and had no idea what was going on, but .... I would've loved it. :)

God says in Deuteronomy to search for him with all your heart and soul, and to love Him (the Lord your God) with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
 I have sought to seek Him above all else while walking through Greyson's death.
Some days, I have had victory. Some days, I have failed. I have blamed Him. I have hated Him at times. He is always right there though...to forgive me, wipe my tears, heal my brokenness, pick me up and revive my soul. Without Him, I'd be so stuck.

I've tried to keep myself in His Word, and have found that just reading the Bible has helped my soul heal. In Psalms it says, "The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul" and in Proverbs, it says, His Words (and wisdom) have the power to refresh my soul! And if I let God teach me, I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:29)

In another place in Proverbs, God calls Himself the one  who guards our souls.   And also, He is our Shepherd, the Guardian of our souls. (1 Peter)  I love that!

In Matthew it says to not be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Scary, but true!) And then he says again in Matthew, is ANYTHING more important/worth more than your soul? And what do you gain if you gain the whole world, yet lose your soul? (Mark 8)

In Hebrews, God says He is our Hope- "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."

 "The reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:9

I entrusted my soul to the Lord as a lil girl and then again when I was a little older. I am so thankful that I am His daughter and Greyson is His daughter and He loves her even better than I could right now.

We are so thankful the Lord has entrusted us with another lil soul... hopefully one we get to keep and watch over and guard and shepherd. :) We will be accountable to God for each soul he blesses us with. That is crazy to think about!
"Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God."  (Hebrews 13:17) (Spiritual Leaders/Pastors/Parents, etc)

 I will end with this verse that I have repeated to myself over and over and over and over throughout the past 7 months... (found in Psalms 116)

"Be at rest o my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me."

AND this song by Jesus Culture...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-one-thing-remains-lyrics.html ]
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love.

Love it! 

7 months too long

Woke up crying and dry-heaving this morning. It's kind of funny, but not really.

Crying because I wanted my baby here again. 7 months without her?  Death.

Dry-heaving because there was nothing in my stomach to throw-up.

I cannot believe Greyson would be 7 months old today!? Time has gone by so fast, yet soooo slow. I just can't believe it. I can't believe in the next 6/7 months, there will be baby #2 here. I am hoping that set of time goes by as quick as these last 7 months have.

It seems like just yesterday I was walking the long driveway trying to move the contractions along....and now today, I was walking that same driveway trying to not to cry too much, and just praising the Lord for the beautiful weather so I could get out and get fresh air and walk with the new baby in my belly.

Weird.

I could write a whole post that talks about how badly I miss her, how my heart is still so sad, how I wonder what she would look like now....but it's the same thing I've written about over and over and over before.

I know she is happy. That is what matters. I know I get to see her again. I know God knows what He is doing.

Baby

Tomorrow my sweet lil baby girl would be 7 months old.

And next week, I will be 3 months pregnant with her lil sibling.

My heart is rejoicing and so thankful, yet still so broken and grieving. I miss her so so much.

I am excited to be a Mom to a baby here on earth come first of August. Praying this baby can stay with us.

The Lord has blessed us with another tiny soul and we are so thankful.

Pregnancy is just not that fun for me, so if you can, pray it goes quickly. :) We get to hear the heartbeat in 12 days, I am so so excited. 

More on all of this tomorrow. :)

The Old has Gone, the New is Here (2013)

2013...

Last night, right around 11:30p, I began thinking about my little girl. Wondering what she'd be doing if she had gotten to stay with us...

I also was feeling very bittersweet-ish.

Heading into a New Year, leaving the worst year (yet redeemed) of my life behind, the year where my first baby was born (best day of my life) and the year where my first baby died (worst day of my life).

It's weird to think... "last year she died..." when I still replay the day over and over and it feels like just yesterday. Yet... it still feels like it may have never happened at all, too since everything happened so stinkin fast.

The other day, I began crying thinking of the day when I finally get to Heaven and my sweet baby is handed to me. How happy she will be!! And how my heart will finally feel mended!! I cannot wait. It keeps me living for my last day... for Jesus. Because without Him, I'd never see her again. So thankful.

Until then, I will stay here, living life as fully as possible and looking forward to that day, but missing her so much.

Each day we get further from seeing her, yet never forgetting her.... and each day, we get closer to seeing her again. Such a weird thought process.

It's weird to think of my life at this time last year. I was 3 months pregnant, dealing with nauseousness and huge stomach aches all the time, everything was going smoothy, we were excited, yet had no idea what to expect. I was thankful, but not like I am now. Very strange to look back. I was such a different person then.

God has taken this tragedy and turned me into something different. It probably isn't visible on the outside at times, I am quieter, less into conversation, not as smiley or friendly.... but inside, I am slowly being transformed and renewed.  Hard to think that it takes a completely life changing traumatic loss to bring about better change, but it does. And I find myself thankful for it.
I am not thankful for losing my baby, but I am thankful for how Jesus has chosen to use that in my life and in others around me. I am thankful that He has her safe n sound. I am thankful that He has taken care of me & given me huge loads of peace and healing. I am thankful that out of His mercy and compassion and wisdom He did what He saw fit.

^{Philippians 3:13-14 "}Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I will never forget my lil G, nor am I trying to and feel I have to... but this verse encourages me to press on towards what is ahead and towards the goal of knowing Jesus more. To leave behind the fear, anger, doubt, despair...

^{Philippians 3: 7-10 "}But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ..."

Learning all along what has been most important to me and what has to stay most important to me... all else is such a waste of time! 

 ^{Romans 12:2 "} Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." ------->   One of my prayers for this New Year.

So, as an old year passes and a new year begins,  I  am reminded that we are all a mist that appears for a lil while, then vanishes, so will our lives be when we look back on them. Goes by so fast.  I am sad for what is behind, but sort of glad it IS so far behind now, and I am so thankful that Jesus has carried me each step of the way and I am actually kind of excited for what 2013 has for us.  :)