The Old has Gone, the New is Here (2013)

2013...

Last night, right around 11:30p, I began thinking about my little girl. Wondering what she'd be doing if she had gotten to stay with us...

I also was feeling very bittersweet-ish.

Heading into a New Year, leaving the worst year (yet redeemed) of my life behind, the year where my first baby was born (best day of my life) and the year where my first baby died (worst day of my life).

It's weird to think... "last year she died..." when I still replay the day over and over and it feels like just yesterday. Yet... it still feels like it may have never happened at all, too since everything happened so stinkin fast.

The other day, I began crying thinking of the day when I finally get to Heaven and my sweet baby is handed to me. How happy she will be!! And how my heart will finally feel mended!! I cannot wait. It keeps me living for my last day... for Jesus. Because without Him, I'd never see her again. So thankful.

Until then, I will stay here, living life as fully as possible and looking forward to that day, but missing her so much.

Each day we get further from seeing her, yet never forgetting her.... and each day, we get closer to seeing her again. Such a weird thought process.

It's weird to think of my life at this time last year. I was 3 months pregnant, dealing with nauseousness and huge stomach aches all the time, everything was going smoothy, we were excited, yet had no idea what to expect. I was thankful, but not like I am now. Very strange to look back. I was such a different person then.

God has taken this tragedy and turned me into something different. It probably isn't visible on the outside at times, I am quieter, less into conversation, not as smiley or friendly.... but inside, I am slowly being transformed and renewed.  Hard to think that it takes a completely life changing traumatic loss to bring about better change, but it does. And I find myself thankful for it.
I am not thankful for losing my baby, but I am thankful for how Jesus has chosen to use that in my life and in others around me. I am thankful that He has her safe n sound. I am thankful that He has taken care of me & given me huge loads of peace and healing. I am thankful that out of His mercy and compassion and wisdom He did what He saw fit.

^{Philippians 3:13-14 "}Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I will never forget my lil G, nor am I trying to and feel I have to... but this verse encourages me to press on towards what is ahead and towards the goal of knowing Jesus more. To leave behind the fear, anger, doubt, despair...

^{Philippians 3: 7-10 "}But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ..."

Learning all along what has been most important to me and what has to stay most important to me... all else is such a waste of time! 

 ^{Romans 12:2 "} Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." ------->   One of my prayers for this New Year.

So, as an old year passes and a new year begins,  I  am reminded that we are all a mist that appears for a lil while, then vanishes, so will our lives be when we look back on them. Goes by so fast.  I am sad for what is behind, but sort of glad it IS so far behind now, and I am so thankful that Jesus has carried me each step of the way and I am actually kind of excited for what 2013 has for us.  :)