Wishing she was here with me

Today, I accidentally & quickly saw a picture of a baby girl who was born about 2 wks before Greyson.
It really didn't upset me at the time, but half of the day, I've been trying to figure out what Greyson would look like at 6 months and what we'd be  doing. I imagine getting her up from her nap, cuddling with her, playing with her, getting her all excited for when Daddy gets home, feeling all the joy that you are supposed to feel as a parent.

I am also bothered by all my friends who have had babies recently. Of course I am happy for them... but I am also jealous as they highlight all the milestones. We made it to one day old, people.

 One day. That is all we got.

I feel anxious for them. I'm just waiting for the text or call that says their baby stopped breathing. It's absolutely not because I want that happening to them, it's because I expect it because of what happened to us.

I feel jealous of all they are getting to experience. Their 9 month term has turned into something for them of a huge life-changing bundle of joy.  Mine, not even close.


Today, I was also at the store...and it was like alllll the mom's with their babies came out from hiding. I was just gagging on the inside. They would smile at me, and I was like... Um, yah, whatever. Smile at someone else. And they do. The other mom's.

It's so irritating how mean I feel towards them. They have no idea what I've gone through over here. I have no idea what they have gone through either.

 Nonetheless I still wanted to have Greyson with me, with her cute leggings and boots, I wanted to be pushing her and buying her lil baby food treats. Ugh.

Sometimes it just feels easier to stay home, stay offline, stay disconnected. Then you don't have to pretend to rejoice with others as their lives have "gone so perfectly". I sound terrible, right?

I just wish things had have turned out like they are turning out for everyone else around me. Yet, as I type that, I realize how stupid that sounds. Because I look around and clearly life is not a bed of roses for everyone...there is loss and tragedy and horrible things all the time and nobody's life is perfect. A least a couple dozen people come to mind who have lost babies, spouses, children, parents....

This verse came to mind as I said that....

"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies--so the living should take this to heart."  Ecc 7:2

As time goes on, I am drawn more to people who have experienced grief or loss. They are more real, more deep, honest, closer to Jesus, they see everything through a different lens, a lens that sees God in everything. Not everything has gone perfect. 

As I continue to think about that thought mentioned above, wishing for the same outcome for us....again I am convicted... I mean, Jesus has done soooo much for us in the last 6 months. Even though we lost our baby, He has done so much.  Given so much.

So so so so much.

I am without excuse to continue to praise Him while I think I see others who have more reason to.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  Job 1:21

I have learned to praise Jesus.... as He takes away.
I have learned to trust Jesus...as He takes away.
I have learned to thank Jesus....as He takes away.

My life is so full of blessings.

If we can't praise God during the times we think are bad, then God is just "Santa Claus" to us.

We want to climb on His lap, whisper to him all what we want, wait for it...... get it.

We take no account to the fact that He is wisdom. He knows what is the best possible route for our lives. He does nothing bad. He knows what will draw our hearts to His and draw others to Himself through us.

He wants to see how we will respond if we do not get what we are asking Him for; expecting; watching others get; assuming is rightfully ours; fits into our timeline.

Talking to myself.

"The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." Psalms 145:17