My baby would have been 9 months old yesterday. I can't believe it. I miss her so bad.
She was such a sweet tiny lil baby and all I want is to hold her in my arms and kiss her face. My heart aches every time I see a picture of her. She is almost always the last thing on my mind every night. I replay a different moment with her on rotation, wishing so bad I had more moments or this was all a really bad nightmare.
Makes this life seem so much less appealing to me... makes me so much more heaven focused. Because I know without a doubt she is there, waiting for me. I love that. It makes my heart so happy.
I couldn't imagine having to go through life without her AND also knowing I only may get to see her again. Or simply just not having that peace and comfort and absolute security that she is in heaven with Jesus...and so happy...and not having to experience anything this world offers.
Because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I get to see her again. Thank you, Lord.
Each month further away from last summer & her death has seemed to lessen the blow and ease the grief. It's definitely not gone, not even close, never will be.
I will always be missing her. I don't have the luxury of pushing the sadness to the side and pretending life will go back to/ever be normal.
As life and time moves on, I have to join in. I haven't wanted to at times, but I have made myself. As I have joined back in, I have begun to seem/feel more normal. The Lord has worked in me...and helped heal and refresh my heart and soul.
I am 5 months pregnant with Greyson's lil brother or sister. I can't believe I will have had 2 babies within 13 months of each other!
I feel very different with this baby. I have struggled with exhaustion and depression so much more than with lil G. But, outwardly, I have found myself actually preparing and planning for the "afterwards" of baby#2. Praying into child-raising and my hubby and I's relationships with a baby, etc. I just....actually feel a twinge of excitement looking forward to the joy, the healing, the learning and the love. Looking forward to being out of this desert time, but praying I learn and grow and change as I am stuck here in the season for the next few months.
I am thankful to serve a God that in His wisdom He knows what is the very best and knew Greyson only needed 2 days here to achieve what He needed to do, is still doing and is only beginning to do through her little life. I pray I am making her lil life matter and count and am able to be used by Him for His glory......because of her.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Waiting in Hope
It's been awhile.
I have had a lot on my mind, but it never has seemed worth writing about.
I've been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. Feeling like I have experienced some all-time lows here lately. Just dealing with so many hormones, emotions, thoughts and circumstances that just won't change.
I still am drudging through all of this with Jesus... still taking Him every single thing and waiting expectantly for answers and change in my heart and in our lives. Still learning how to be thankful and trust Jesus no matter what my eyes see. He has assured me He is always working on our behalf, always at work behind the scenes. I am reminded of almost every story in the Bible...how God would give them hopes, dreams, promises, commands...but then...there would be a h--u--g--e long wait time.
That is where I am. Where we are. Just waiting.
I am struggling big time with purpose and motivation. God has given me some things to pursue, but I feel big discontentment show up, so then my motivation leaves to carry those things out. I have had a "deserving" attitude rather than a peaceful, thankful and trusting one. I have heard a lot of whines and cries come out of my lips lately towards the Lord. A lot of "I just wanted..." statements, or "I just wish".
Working through those attitudes.
This type of grief, brought on by tragedy, throws you into this "area". It's an "area" most have never even gazed at, let alone, been sentenced to sit in for awhile. I never knew it existed until after Greyson died.
It's a path that most have never walked. It creates this type of loneliness that simply hanging out with a friend will never cure. It's one where you walk through life now with a whole new set of eyes and everything has changed. All your goals, dreams, passions, relationships...even the simple way you process a thought. Gone. As you walk thru a store, drive down the street, have a simple conversation...
It's all different now.
And it's so refreshing to hear from people who know what it feels like. My husband and I have this kinda secret language where we just know. Know that it's painful to talk about family plans, or hopes, family trips, see cute lil pink things, lil babies at all, see parents being awesome with their kids, or parents being so lame and terrible.
But in all this, we are still thankful. Thankful in hope. Thankful that we do not have to grieve like those with no hope. (1 Thess 4:13) We know and are confident of where our baby girl is and we will join her someday because of the trust we have placed in Jesus. THAT is our only hope, THAT is why we continue on seeking the Lord and aim to please Him in everything.
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us" (Phil 3:14)
Even as I type this, I can feel HOPE kicking. He/she is always reminding me how faithful Jesus is. :) Answering our prayers to have another baby after losing lil G, knowing our heart's desires and needs and even wants. We are learning each and every day to hand this baby over to Him who is able to do far more than we can imagine.
HE (the Lord) is my constant companion as I deal with all these issues in my life and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He is the one who leads me besides still waters and refreshes my soul with His presence and with His Word. I would be so lost, confused, hurting and hateful all the time (as opposed to every once in awhile) if it weren't for Him.
One of my very good friends gave me this book called "Hannah's Hope" (by Jennifer Saake) a week ago. I just finished it a night ago. I would recommend it to anyone who has dealt with baby or adoption loss, miscarriage, or infertility. I love how the whole book centers around the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible but also the author talks so much about her own personal struggles. I could relate to her on many different aspects and it just helped me feel...ok.
Like, I really don't like going to church anymore. I haven't since Greyson died. I couldn't/can't explain it to my husband.... and even to myself, it doesn't make sense. God calls us to fellowship, right? Well, there's just a deeper issue, rather than just me being lazy or hatin on God... So, I am trying to figure that one out. She covers that in the book and gives ideas/testimony to how they handled that.
I loved how God just also used this book to open my eyes. I have not struggled with infertility, but wow, He has broken my heart for those who do deal with in day in and day out, living in hope and despair at the same time, grieving their dreams and hopes, watching everyone else around them have "no trouble". I understand the glares I got with Greyson...& get now as the lil chunk fills up more and more of my belly. I understand why you hate meeting new people or being asked questions. I have purposely tried to avoid meeting anyone new for the last almost 9 months. I don't want to deal with the questions.... the innocent questions I used to ask people without even giving one thought about it.
Hannah's story is so painful, yet so awesome. How she had to watch her husband take on a new wife, who could bear children; how year after year she waited; how God heard every thought, prayer, dream and cry; how God had a huge plan that Hannah wasn't aware of; how she gave her baby to God before he was even conceived; how she followed through with that vow and made the painful journey to the temple when he was just 3; how she made the painful journey back....alone....without him...her baby... but how God redeeemed all of it... how He had such huge plans for this baby....how He cared about 1 women's desire to be a mother.
I love how the Lord works.
I started off praying that baby #2 would bring US laughter and joy and healing...and I still pray that. But now I pray that God dreams HIS dreams through this baby, even in the womb, and that this baby leads many to Him. I can't wait to meet him/her, and get to know them & see what kind of lil person they will be!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE on Pregnancy:
Starting my 19th week today. Gained around 8-9lbs. (Haven't really checked in awhile)
Stomach aches: only every once in awhile now! (Praising Jesus! Those are the worst!)
Nausea: Barfed on Monday, but feeling good lately
Energy: Almost none, unless I am eating or right after working out.
Exercise: Finally started walking the treadmill again 3 weeks ago, combined with a 30-40 min yoga- stretching-body weight routine to tone.
Cravings: Salad and Cherry Coke. I literally feel like I could drink that all day, but I def do not let myself. (I drink it like 2x month max) Last night, on a date with my hubs, I had a hue glass of cherry coke and LOVED it. I went to sleep thinking how thirsty I was and would love to have more of it.
Gender: Still thinking boy, but will be pleasantly surprised with another lil girl. I cannot wait to give this baby a name and call the baby a him or her. We have had to wait the LONGEST out of everyone we know right now to find out. It's still 12 days away!
Sometimes I still feel there are 2 babies in there, because I am so not used to such a big baby. I am so excited to see an Ultra Sound next week and see if he/she is normal size or bigger than his/her age.
I have had a lot on my mind, but it never has seemed worth writing about.
I've been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. Feeling like I have experienced some all-time lows here lately. Just dealing with so many hormones, emotions, thoughts and circumstances that just won't change.
I still am drudging through all of this with Jesus... still taking Him every single thing and waiting expectantly for answers and change in my heart and in our lives. Still learning how to be thankful and trust Jesus no matter what my eyes see. He has assured me He is always working on our behalf, always at work behind the scenes. I am reminded of almost every story in the Bible...how God would give them hopes, dreams, promises, commands...but then...there would be a h--u--g--e long wait time.
That is where I am. Where we are. Just waiting.
I am struggling big time with purpose and motivation. God has given me some things to pursue, but I feel big discontentment show up, so then my motivation leaves to carry those things out. I have had a "deserving" attitude rather than a peaceful, thankful and trusting one. I have heard a lot of whines and cries come out of my lips lately towards the Lord. A lot of "I just wanted..." statements, or "I just wish".
Working through those attitudes.
This type of grief, brought on by tragedy, throws you into this "area". It's an "area" most have never even gazed at, let alone, been sentenced to sit in for awhile. I never knew it existed until after Greyson died.
It's a path that most have never walked. It creates this type of loneliness that simply hanging out with a friend will never cure. It's one where you walk through life now with a whole new set of eyes and everything has changed. All your goals, dreams, passions, relationships...even the simple way you process a thought. Gone. As you walk thru a store, drive down the street, have a simple conversation...
It's all different now.
And it's so refreshing to hear from people who know what it feels like. My husband and I have this kinda secret language where we just know. Know that it's painful to talk about family plans, or hopes, family trips, see cute lil pink things, lil babies at all, see parents being awesome with their kids, or parents being so lame and terrible.
But in all this, we are still thankful. Thankful in hope. Thankful that we do not have to grieve like those with no hope. (1 Thess 4:13) We know and are confident of where our baby girl is and we will join her someday because of the trust we have placed in Jesus. THAT is our only hope, THAT is why we continue on seeking the Lord and aim to please Him in everything.
"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us" (Phil 3:14)
Even as I type this, I can feel HOPE kicking. He/she is always reminding me how faithful Jesus is. :) Answering our prayers to have another baby after losing lil G, knowing our heart's desires and needs and even wants. We are learning each and every day to hand this baby over to Him who is able to do far more than we can imagine.
HE (the Lord) is my constant companion as I deal with all these issues in my life and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He is the one who leads me besides still waters and refreshes my soul with His presence and with His Word. I would be so lost, confused, hurting and hateful all the time (as opposed to every once in awhile) if it weren't for Him.
One of my very good friends gave me this book called "Hannah's Hope" (by Jennifer Saake) a week ago. I just finished it a night ago. I would recommend it to anyone who has dealt with baby or adoption loss, miscarriage, or infertility. I love how the whole book centers around the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible but also the author talks so much about her own personal struggles. I could relate to her on many different aspects and it just helped me feel...ok.
Like, I really don't like going to church anymore. I haven't since Greyson died. I couldn't/can't explain it to my husband.... and even to myself, it doesn't make sense. God calls us to fellowship, right? Well, there's just a deeper issue, rather than just me being lazy or hatin on God... So, I am trying to figure that one out. She covers that in the book and gives ideas/testimony to how they handled that.
I loved how God just also used this book to open my eyes. I have not struggled with infertility, but wow, He has broken my heart for those who do deal with in day in and day out, living in hope and despair at the same time, grieving their dreams and hopes, watching everyone else around them have "no trouble". I understand the glares I got with Greyson...& get now as the lil chunk fills up more and more of my belly. I understand why you hate meeting new people or being asked questions. I have purposely tried to avoid meeting anyone new for the last almost 9 months. I don't want to deal with the questions.... the innocent questions I used to ask people without even giving one thought about it.
Hannah's story is so painful, yet so awesome. How she had to watch her husband take on a new wife, who could bear children; how year after year she waited; how God heard every thought, prayer, dream and cry; how God had a huge plan that Hannah wasn't aware of; how she gave her baby to God before he was even conceived; how she followed through with that vow and made the painful journey to the temple when he was just 3; how she made the painful journey back....alone....without him...her baby... but how God redeeemed all of it... how He had such huge plans for this baby....how He cared about 1 women's desire to be a mother.
I love how the Lord works.
I started off praying that baby #2 would bring US laughter and joy and healing...and I still pray that. But now I pray that God dreams HIS dreams through this baby, even in the womb, and that this baby leads many to Him. I can't wait to meet him/her, and get to know them & see what kind of lil person they will be!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE on Pregnancy:
Starting my 19th week today. Gained around 8-9lbs. (Haven't really checked in awhile)
Stomach aches: only every once in awhile now! (Praising Jesus! Those are the worst!)
Nausea: Barfed on Monday, but feeling good lately
Energy: Almost none, unless I am eating or right after working out.
Exercise: Finally started walking the treadmill again 3 weeks ago, combined with a 30-40 min yoga- stretching-body weight routine to tone.
Cravings: Salad and Cherry Coke. I literally feel like I could drink that all day, but I def do not let myself. (I drink it like 2x month max) Last night, on a date with my hubs, I had a hue glass of cherry coke and LOVED it. I went to sleep thinking how thirsty I was and would love to have more of it.
Gender: Still thinking boy, but will be pleasantly surprised with another lil girl. I cannot wait to give this baby a name and call the baby a him or her. We have had to wait the LONGEST out of everyone we know right now to find out. It's still 12 days away!
Sometimes I still feel there are 2 babies in there, because I am so not used to such a big baby. I am so excited to see an Ultra Sound next week and see if he/she is normal size or bigger than his/her age.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Starve my Fears---Feed my Faith
Here's just an update on a few things I have been talking about recently regarding natural ways for skin/hair care, recipes, regrowing food, and a few things God showed me this morning.
It was successful. I officially regrew food from food! I took a head of organic celery and cut it down to the root and stuck it in water for a week. Well now, it's been 2 weeks and it's supposed to be in potting soil, but everytime I am at the store, I forget to look for that.
Here's a pic of the lil guy sprouting....
The ones that were not cut literally doubled in size! Now these just stay in water near a sunny window and you cut them as you need.
Tonight, I made this delicious homemade chicken pot pie. My Mom gave me the recipe. It was so so yummy!
Below is the recipe:
box of 2 uncooked pie shells, room temp.
1 bag of mixed veggies
1 can of diced potatos
1 can of either chicken gravy OR organic chicken broth
2 cups of cooked/seasoned chicken
In a bowl, mix everything but the pie shells. Add seasoning as you would like. Also, next time I will add spinach.
Put 1 pie shell down in the bottom of pie pan, place the food from the bowl in. Spread the other pie shell over and close the 2 shells together. Bake at '375 for 30-35 minutes. It's a great way to get the vegetables in! AND no yucky preservatives etc.
Also, this will last us a little while. Hubby had 2 servings tonight, I had 1. There was enough for 3 lunches for him that will cover the rest of the week, PLUS 1 lunch for me. :)
Onto the natural skin/hair products/experiments: I am still having success with the coconut oil+ olive oil+ heat before washing 1-2x a week. I was excited (ish) because I just went 6 days without washing my hair. This is not my goal, but it just happened to work out this week. I normally wash my hair Wed and Sun. Anyway, last week, I washed it Wednesday, straightened it until Saturday. Friday morning, I washed my bangs. Saturday, I curled my hair for my hubby and I's date day. I woke up both Sun and Mon with it still looking great, so I spent 2 minutes brushing it out and 7 minutes re-curling it. (Yep, I timed myself!) Tonight I did the deep conditioning and washed it.
Face: I mixed up a recipe I found on pinterest last week to replace my facewash. It is a half to half recipe of baking soda and honey. I used it in the shower tonight, it DOES NOT remove EYE make-up (duh), but it did decent on my actual face. I came out of the shower and my face was a good shiny. :) I am not sure if there will be a natural/homemade face wash that removes eye make-up (?) so vaseline after the works great. Anyway, I am going to keep testing this out and see how it works, I don't want no break-outs.
I am going to bed tonight with vaseline and coconut oil on my eyelashes to help moisturize and maybe grow. And also coconut oil under my eyes to also keep moisturized and prevent future wrinkles. Also, I have jojoba oil in my hair, just a dime size from the roots down.
(Thank you for downloading OUT of order) (psh)
Update on Pregnancy: (the good normal parts)
As of today, 4 months along, gained 5 lbs!
Stomach aches: starting to fade away. (Either because it's about that time OR the chlorophyll I am taking OR the organic WHOLE milk I am drinking.)
Nausea: threw up some pistachios today. That was fun. It has lessened though and I expect a complete turn-around by week 20. Can't wait.
Craving: Fruit. Not much else, it has been pretty tame this time around. Thankful.
It feels like for the past 5 days I have been so hungry all the time and always needing to eat. Which is the exact opposite of how I am. I always get hungry right before we turn off the lights for bed at midnight. And it's the type of hunger you cannot ignore. So, I have to eat. It's weird, because it's not fun to have to eat that much or that late. Oh well.
Exercise: Psh. Not as much as I wished. A 45 min walk here and there as the weather permits. Preparing to begin a leg/arm/booty routine that will hopefully keep me toned throughout this pregnancy and beyond. ALSO, hope to see some 50' days soon and be on 1 hr walks at least 5x/wk.
Guess on Gender: Boy
We have 4 names picked out (2 for lil ladies, 2 for lil men) and I cannot wait to use one of them and save the rest for the rest of the gang!
Had some really good time with the Lord this morning, which was much needed for my heart.
Just wanted to share a few verses I am clinging to/meditating on for the next lil while as I deal with anxiety, panic, fear, dread....
Isaiah 12:2
"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song, He has given me victory."
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You."
Luke 10:41-42
"But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only One thing that is worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."
Love all these great reminders to choose to TRUST and worship and choose just being in His presence OVER stressing and worrying and panicking about things I have no control over. He is my strength and song. :)
One of the greatest gifts I can give to the Lord is be complete control of my mind/thoughts.
....Starve my fears, feed my Faith...
It was successful. I officially regrew food from food! I took a head of organic celery and cut it down to the root and stuck it in water for a week. Well now, it's been 2 weeks and it's supposed to be in potting soil, but everytime I am at the store, I forget to look for that.
Here's a pic of the lil guy sprouting....
And here are the green onions. I took organic ones and put them in water also, cut a few half way down, and sure enough they regrew themselves. I am trying something else this week, I cut one down about 1.5 inches from the root to see if it would regrow. Because, when I am not pregnant, the white part is the yummiest part, so I have no need for the green part to regrow...
Tonight, I made this delicious homemade chicken pot pie. My Mom gave me the recipe. It was so so yummy!
box of 2 uncooked pie shells, room temp.
1 bag of mixed veggies
1 can of diced potatos
1 can of either chicken gravy OR organic chicken broth
2 cups of cooked/seasoned chicken
In a bowl, mix everything but the pie shells. Add seasoning as you would like. Also, next time I will add spinach.
Put 1 pie shell down in the bottom of pie pan, place the food from the bowl in. Spread the other pie shell over and close the 2 shells together. Bake at '375 for 30-35 minutes. It's a great way to get the vegetables in! AND no yucky preservatives etc.
Also, this will last us a little while. Hubby had 2 servings tonight, I had 1. There was enough for 3 lunches for him that will cover the rest of the week, PLUS 1 lunch for me. :)
Onto the natural skin/hair products/experiments: I am still having success with the coconut oil+ olive oil+ heat before washing 1-2x a week. I was excited (ish) because I just went 6 days without washing my hair. This is not my goal, but it just happened to work out this week. I normally wash my hair Wed and Sun. Anyway, last week, I washed it Wednesday, straightened it until Saturday. Friday morning, I washed my bangs. Saturday, I curled my hair for my hubby and I's date day. I woke up both Sun and Mon with it still looking great, so I spent 2 minutes brushing it out and 7 minutes re-curling it. (Yep, I timed myself!) Tonight I did the deep conditioning and washed it.
Face: I mixed up a recipe I found on pinterest last week to replace my facewash. It is a half to half recipe of baking soda and honey. I used it in the shower tonight, it DOES NOT remove EYE make-up (duh), but it did decent on my actual face. I came out of the shower and my face was a good shiny. :) I am not sure if there will be a natural/homemade face wash that removes eye make-up (?) so vaseline after the works great. Anyway, I am going to keep testing this out and see how it works, I don't want no break-outs.
I am going to bed tonight with vaseline and coconut oil on my eyelashes to help moisturize and maybe grow. And also coconut oil under my eyes to also keep moisturized and prevent future wrinkles. Also, I have jojoba oil in my hair, just a dime size from the roots down.
Update on Pregnancy: (the good normal parts)
As of today, 4 months along, gained 5 lbs!
Stomach aches: starting to fade away. (Either because it's about that time OR the chlorophyll I am taking OR the organic WHOLE milk I am drinking.)
Nausea: threw up some pistachios today. That was fun. It has lessened though and I expect a complete turn-around by week 20. Can't wait.
Craving: Fruit. Not much else, it has been pretty tame this time around. Thankful.
It feels like for the past 5 days I have been so hungry all the time and always needing to eat. Which is the exact opposite of how I am. I always get hungry right before we turn off the lights for bed at midnight. And it's the type of hunger you cannot ignore. So, I have to eat. It's weird, because it's not fun to have to eat that much or that late. Oh well.
Exercise: Psh. Not as much as I wished. A 45 min walk here and there as the weather permits. Preparing to begin a leg/arm/booty routine that will hopefully keep me toned throughout this pregnancy and beyond. ALSO, hope to see some 50' days soon and be on 1 hr walks at least 5x/wk.
Guess on Gender: Boy
We have 4 names picked out (2 for lil ladies, 2 for lil men) and I cannot wait to use one of them and save the rest for the rest of the gang!
Had some really good time with the Lord this morning, which was much needed for my heart.
Just wanted to share a few verses I am clinging to/meditating on for the next lil while as I deal with anxiety, panic, fear, dread....
Isaiah 12:2
"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song, He has given me victory."
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You."
Luke 10:41-42
"But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only One thing that is worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."
Love all these great reminders to choose to TRUST and worship and choose just being in His presence OVER stressing and worrying and panicking about things I have no control over. He is my strength and song. :)
One of the greatest gifts I can give to the Lord is be complete control of my mind/thoughts.
....Starve my fears, feed my Faith...
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Fears, Disappointments and Rejoicing
Lately, things have been so crazy in my head.
This business of being pregnant with baby #2 after losing baby #1...is.... really.... hard.
Much harder than I thought it would be.
I pray. Constantly. But I fear. Constantly. In my dreams. In my wake. I had no idea it would be like this. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to "control myself" and just "be excited" and just thankful the Lord allowed us to have another sweet baby.
I really feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am allowing my joy to be robbed of me. Only like twice have I had an "Oh man, I am so excited to be Mom to a baby here on earth!" or "Man, in 5 months or less, a lil baby will be in my arms again!" moment. I really am needing more of those. I really am praying for God's Eyes on this one.
Praying to calm down, relax and....
TRUST JESUS.
I know I can.
Tomorrow my baby would be 8 months old. For a few days, I actually thought she was turning 9 months old. That makes me mad. Mad, that I can't remember because my head is so full of stupid stuff. Mad because my lil girl isn't here everyday so I can remember how old she'd be. Mad because I feel like I am forgetting.
I can't believe she'd be 8 months old. Crawling, being cute, being here... ugh. It literally rips my heart out to even think about.
*One* thing and one thing only has God given me to rejoice in... is the simple fact that I can have no greater joy than to know my baby is right there with Him. Like John said,
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4)
I will never have to worry about the condition of her soul, never have to worry if she is walking with the Lord truly.... because she is already there, with Jesus, experiencing everything she was made for. Waiting for me. That is something to be thankful for.
I am just really disappointed (to say the least) that I haven't had the blessing of being a mom to her for the past 8 months, learning what that means.
But as I was complaining to God about that, He just gently reminded me that what He has done/is doing/will continue to do in my Soul over the past 8 months (and beyond) as I am learning to grieve and heal, is far beyond measure to simply learning how to be a Mom. He values that, of course. But He had a work to do and is still working. Drawing me closer and closer to Him, continuing to put me in places of utter need for Him. Strengthening my faith. Teaching me through one of his greatest gifts; affliction.
And now we are moving into a different phase of learning and healing. He is wanting to hold my hand and walk with me through this pregnancy:
...Help me be so ok with whatever and so assured as to what is to come that my heart can settle down and maybe even rejoice.
...So my heart can learn to trust Him with those most precious to me.
...So my heart can trust Him to keep me from drowning...and keep my eyes off the waves.
I am so thankful to serve and love a God like Him.
This business of being pregnant with baby #2 after losing baby #1...is.... really.... hard.
Much harder than I thought it would be.
I pray. Constantly. But I fear. Constantly. In my dreams. In my wake. I had no idea it would be like this. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to "control myself" and just "be excited" and just thankful the Lord allowed us to have another sweet baby.
I really feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am allowing my joy to be robbed of me. Only like twice have I had an "Oh man, I am so excited to be Mom to a baby here on earth!" or "Man, in 5 months or less, a lil baby will be in my arms again!" moment. I really am needing more of those. I really am praying for God's Eyes on this one.
Praying to calm down, relax and....
TRUST JESUS.
I know I can.
Tomorrow my baby would be 8 months old. For a few days, I actually thought she was turning 9 months old. That makes me mad. Mad, that I can't remember because my head is so full of stupid stuff. Mad because my lil girl isn't here everyday so I can remember how old she'd be. Mad because I feel like I am forgetting.
I can't believe she'd be 8 months old. Crawling, being cute, being here... ugh. It literally rips my heart out to even think about.
*One* thing and one thing only has God given me to rejoice in... is the simple fact that I can have no greater joy than to know my baby is right there with Him. Like John said,
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4)
I will never have to worry about the condition of her soul, never have to worry if she is walking with the Lord truly.... because she is already there, with Jesus, experiencing everything she was made for. Waiting for me. That is something to be thankful for.
I am just really disappointed (to say the least) that I haven't had the blessing of being a mom to her for the past 8 months, learning what that means.
But as I was complaining to God about that, He just gently reminded me that what He has done/is doing/will continue to do in my Soul over the past 8 months (and beyond) as I am learning to grieve and heal, is far beyond measure to simply learning how to be a Mom. He values that, of course. But He had a work to do and is still working. Drawing me closer and closer to Him, continuing to put me in places of utter need for Him. Strengthening my faith. Teaching me through one of his greatest gifts; affliction.
And now we are moving into a different phase of learning and healing. He is wanting to hold my hand and walk with me through this pregnancy:
...Help me be so ok with whatever and so assured as to what is to come that my heart can settle down and maybe even rejoice.
...So my heart can learn to trust Him with those most precious to me.
...So my heart can trust Him to keep me from drowning...and keep my eyes off the waves.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Trying New Things/Struggling with New Things
I promised myself... and my husband (lol) that this pregnancy, I would stay off pinterest...well at least the "Food" part of pinterest. FAIL.
I have a condition where if I see something delicious, & I am even remotely hungry, and that particular thing looks good...It doesn't leave. What is that called? It's only when I'm pregnant.
Haha, anyway. Chicken Salad has been my thing for about 4 days. Why? Because I saw it on Pinterest. So today, I went to Target and grabbed just a few things to complete the recipe. I actually made up my own version. And we ate it for lunch... and we (Fatty and I) loved every last bite of it. I tried to make it for today only (because I am really terrible at eating the same thing twice in early pregnancy), but I think I made enough for 2 more sandwiches. And my husband doesn't like chicken salad, so I am stuck with it.
Here's a picture and recipe after in case now you, too are hungry for some goodness:
2 piece of Whole Wheat Bread
4 pieces of lettuce
1-2 chicken breasts cooked & seasoned & chopped to bite size
1 hard boiled egg chopped
2 tablespoons of organic mayo
2 tablespoons of plain greek yogurt
4 chopped green onions
2 chopped celery
8 pieces of spinach chopped
salt n pepper
(You can also add corn, black beans, tomatoes or black olives, but we were too hungry to mess with all that)
mix all these ingredients together, then put on the bread with lettuce. Eat.
Super packed with protein & greens. Your body will thank you. Now, I am hoping to just keep it in. I made myself a really good smoothy to eat this morning
(Watermelon, strawberries, banana, cranberry juice, spinach and kale cubes, blueberries, flax seeds, pinaeapple greek yogurt, lemon, honey) and I have fought so so hard to keep it IN all day. Dry heaved a ton, but it stayed put. (I honestly would rather just throw it up, dry heaving it just as bad, but oh well)
A friend suggested I try sucking hard core on Jolly Ranchers...to help with Nausea, Stomach Aches, etc. So, I ran go some of these today:
Sucking on one right now, hope they help....with something.
Lately, I have also been playing around with a few different things for my hair and teeth.
Enough for a decent size garden, fruit trees and mostly, playing.
And the pool= my favorite part. I love this house. Maybe, say a prayer we can have it? Lol. :)
Yesterday, the Lord was convicting me of just praying selfishly...
James 4:3
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so you can spend it on your pleasure." So I repented and am trying to go from there. Asking how He can use these next 5 months best before baby but also serving others and being available. Even though...
I still feel extremely anti-social.
Sometimes my only goal when leaving the house is to NOT run into anyone I know. I don't want to have a fake conversation. I don't want to hear about how great your life is going. I am ssoo mean . And I do not feel like my life is going so badly, I really don't. I just still live in this world of "my baby died and isn't here" so the things I hear from some people, I just have trouble caring about. (GOOD FRIENDS, this does not apply.)
And finally...
I am struggling with feeling depressed at times.
I had this with Greyson UNTIL we got to Florida. It's the longgggg winter nights, combined with being sick for weeks and having bad stomach aches almost every evening that I can do nothing about, not being able to go outside ever or go on long walks with my hubby without freezing to death, and of course hormones. And this time, add grief to the mix.
So, I am praying about this one, AND all the others of course. But I just want to snap out of it, LIVE ABOVE MY CIRCUMSTANCES and find joy in the Lord as I WAIT for His guidance over our lives.
Definitely learning patience.
Sorry to ramble on and on. This is just where I'm at and what I'm doing right now. Thank you SO much for your prayers. :)
And we know that God causes everything to work together or the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Phil 4:8)
I have a condition where if I see something delicious, & I am even remotely hungry, and that particular thing looks good...It doesn't leave. What is that called? It's only when I'm pregnant.
Haha, anyway. Chicken Salad has been my thing for about 4 days. Why? Because I saw it on Pinterest. So today, I went to Target and grabbed just a few things to complete the recipe. I actually made up my own version. And we ate it for lunch... and we (Fatty and I) loved every last bite of it. I tried to make it for today only (because I am really terrible at eating the same thing twice in early pregnancy), but I think I made enough for 2 more sandwiches. And my husband doesn't like chicken salad, so I am stuck with it.
Here's a picture and recipe after in case now you, too are hungry for some goodness:
4 pieces of lettuce
1-2 chicken breasts cooked & seasoned & chopped to bite size
1 hard boiled egg chopped
2 tablespoons of organic mayo
2 tablespoons of plain greek yogurt
4 chopped green onions
2 chopped celery
8 pieces of spinach chopped
salt n pepper
(You can also add corn, black beans, tomatoes or black olives, but we were too hungry to mess with all that)
mix all these ingredients together, then put on the bread with lettuce. Eat.
Super packed with protein & greens. Your body will thank you. Now, I am hoping to just keep it in. I made myself a really good smoothy to eat this morning
(Watermelon, strawberries, banana, cranberry juice, spinach and kale cubes, blueberries, flax seeds, pinaeapple greek yogurt, lemon, honey) and I have fought so so hard to keep it IN all day. Dry heaved a ton, but it stayed put. (I honestly would rather just throw it up, dry heaving it just as bad, but oh well)
A friend suggested I try sucking hard core on Jolly Ranchers...to help with Nausea, Stomach Aches, etc. So, I ran go some of these today:
Lately, I have also been playing around with a few different things for my hair and teeth.
My hair is red with lots of blonde highlights, so it needs tons of moisture. Plus, I really would love for it to grow faster, even living on the best of the best pre-natals out there for, oh, I don't know, going on a year and a half now, still I don't see it growing faster.
So, I read something on Pinterest a few weeks ago that this lady does. It can be time-consuming, but super worth it.
Right before you wash your hair, take a decent size handful of coconut oil and massage it into your scalp. Then, take another huge handful (well, my hair is long, so depending on your length) (too much won't hurt, just be harder to wash out.) and rub into the rest of your hair, coating the ends.
Then, twist it up and stick it on the top of your head, cover with cap. I rigged up something that holds my hair-dryer on the counter and I can sit on the rug and read devotions while it blows hot heat on low for 15 minutes. OR, you can leave it on for 30, while walking around the house, getting stuff done.
We also love doing this in the summer, while laying out. BEST.
I began adding Virgin Olive Oil (a quarter size) all over my hair on top of the Coconut Oil, too.
I have been doing this 2x a week for 3 weeks now and it has changed the texture of my hair. It is so soft! And I know it is helping my hair at least strengthen, if not grow faster. We'll see.
Another thing that has helped is stopping using Pantene Pro-V and spending a few extra bucks (Like $6) on Joico (it was on sale) shampoo WITHOUT sulfates or Sodium LAURYL --the super bad detergent for your hair that strips it and is in almost EVERY single "cheap" shampoo.
Anyway, I am not obsessed with my hair, I am just trying to help it out. :)
About 2 years ago, I heard about brushing your teeth with baking soda.
"Mildly alkaline, baking soda dissolves in water in order to penetrate
tooth enamel. With a slightly abrasive action, the free radicals that
are emitted once baking soda is mixed in water help to scrape off the
yellow or brown stains that buildup from drinking coffee, tea, colas or
from smoking or chewing tobacco. In this way, the mixture is able to
break down discoloration as it interacts with stain molecules to lighten
and brighten teeth.
Yesterday, the Lord was convicting me of just praying selfishly...
James 4:3
"You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so you can spend it on your pleasure." So I repented and am trying to go from there. Asking how He can use these next 5 months best before baby but also serving others and being available. Even though...
I still feel extremely anti-social.
Sometimes my only goal when leaving the house is to NOT run into anyone I know. I don't want to have a fake conversation. I don't want to hear about how great your life is going. I am ssoo mean . And I do not feel like my life is going so badly, I really don't. I just still live in this world of "my baby died and isn't here" so the things I hear from some people, I just have trouble caring about. (GOOD FRIENDS, this does not apply.)
And finally...
I am struggling with feeling depressed at times.
I had this with Greyson UNTIL we got to Florida. It's the longgggg winter nights, combined with being sick for weeks and having bad stomach aches almost every evening that I can do nothing about, not being able to go outside ever or go on long walks with my hubby without freezing to death, and of course hormones. And this time, add grief to the mix.
So, I am praying about this one, AND all the others of course. But I just want to snap out of it, LIVE ABOVE MY CIRCUMSTANCES and find joy in the Lord as I WAIT for His guidance over our lives.
Definitely learning patience.
Sorry to ramble on and on. This is just where I'm at and what I'm doing right now. Thank you SO much for your prayers. :)
And we know that God causes everything to work together or the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. (Phil 4:8)
Friday, January 25, 2013
1st Doctor Appointment
Had my 12/13 week appointment and Ultra Sound a few days ago.
I was pretty stressed the morning of and while waiting forever in the waiting room. All I cared about was hearing the heartbeat. I prayed that the doc could find it quickly and I could hear it.
With Greyson, the 1st doc I had, had trouble finding it, but she heard it very briefly and only enough so she was satisfied. I didn't hear it and enjoy it until about week 17.
Anyway, the morning of, I was having such bad stomach issues, I thought I wasn't going to be able to leave. I listened to Psalms as I got ready and that calmed my soul a little. I don't know what it is, but there are sometimes such strong emotions and nerves, they felt paralyzing that morning. I felt like something was going to be wrong and I just wanted it over with.
I have a sweet friend who is a month behind me with their 2nd pregnancy, but 1st baby, they had their first doc appt same day, just earlier. She warned me by text that the medical history part and the questions from the nurses could be painful.
I had to mark down my history...
Previous pregnancies: 1. Living Children: 0.
Death to my soul.
Somehow the nurse missed that part of the information, came in, made small talk and started typing and filling out info. Then came over to me to take my blood pressure while looking directly at me and asking "How's your little one?!". I was completely taken aback and struggled to figure out what to say. I looked at her, then simply said, "Ohh, she didn't make it." Then looked away and started quietly sobbing. She was sweet and said she was sorry for my loss and then said that it was impossible to take my blood pressure because it was way too high.
There were a few moments of silence as my Mom and I cried together. I was lost in a vision of my little girl being there with us as cute lil 7 month old. Then I realized that I more than likely would not even be pregnant if she had have been alive. I wanted/needed a good break before "doing that" again, I told my husband in late May, right before Greyson was born.
Anyway, I got through the rest of it, talked with the doc and then finally it came time to hear the heartbeat. The only reason I was there.
He found it super quickly and the baby was exactly where I knew he was. I was so thankful and relieved. It was a very strong loud fast heartbeat. My heart felt so much joy.
During the appointment, the doctor was trying to say this was a "High Risk Pregnancy". I feel like that can be debated and I am still not sure what I think. We are going with our sweet midwife from Greyson and will have her until week 32-33.
If week 32-33, finds baby #2 not continuing to grow, we will make other decisions. I have fine with WHATEVER. I just pray I can keep this baby.
Already this baby is much different than lil G. Measuring 5 days ahead of schedule! We are calling him, our lil "fatty". Haha. We think he's probably a boy, but we don't know and we literally do not care. We get to find out in March.
Sooo, I got to leave the office almost a week ahead of schedule, which to me is awesome. First of all, I feel so disgusting almost all the time, so to have 5 days off the seemingly endless 40 weeks countdown... is a miracle. Annnnd to have a baby bigger than normal rather than smaller than normal (like G) is such a God-thing, just a lil reminder from Him to me that He is in control and will work everything out for our good, including the growth of this baby.
So, we're just in love with our lil baby growing inside and so thankful, praying always to trust Jesus and His plan, rather than ours, and trying to rely on Him for strength to walk through these next 5/6 months with courage, vision, excitement, joy and to not rely on our own thoughts and fears to dominate. It is way too long of a time (carrying a baby to term) to be stuck in anxiety or fear of "what if's". But, I also realize that those emotions, along with many others, will be present, and it's my job to work them out and pray them out.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil 4:8
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
I was pretty stressed the morning of and while waiting forever in the waiting room. All I cared about was hearing the heartbeat. I prayed that the doc could find it quickly and I could hear it.
With Greyson, the 1st doc I had, had trouble finding it, but she heard it very briefly and only enough so she was satisfied. I didn't hear it and enjoy it until about week 17.
Anyway, the morning of, I was having such bad stomach issues, I thought I wasn't going to be able to leave. I listened to Psalms as I got ready and that calmed my soul a little. I don't know what it is, but there are sometimes such strong emotions and nerves, they felt paralyzing that morning. I felt like something was going to be wrong and I just wanted it over with.
I have a sweet friend who is a month behind me with their 2nd pregnancy, but 1st baby, they had their first doc appt same day, just earlier. She warned me by text that the medical history part and the questions from the nurses could be painful.
I had to mark down my history...
Previous pregnancies: 1. Living Children: 0.
Death to my soul.
Somehow the nurse missed that part of the information, came in, made small talk and started typing and filling out info. Then came over to me to take my blood pressure while looking directly at me and asking "How's your little one?!". I was completely taken aback and struggled to figure out what to say. I looked at her, then simply said, "Ohh, she didn't make it." Then looked away and started quietly sobbing. She was sweet and said she was sorry for my loss and then said that it was impossible to take my blood pressure because it was way too high.
There were a few moments of silence as my Mom and I cried together. I was lost in a vision of my little girl being there with us as cute lil 7 month old. Then I realized that I more than likely would not even be pregnant if she had have been alive. I wanted/needed a good break before "doing that" again, I told my husband in late May, right before Greyson was born.
Anyway, I got through the rest of it, talked with the doc and then finally it came time to hear the heartbeat. The only reason I was there.
He found it super quickly and the baby was exactly where I knew he was. I was so thankful and relieved. It was a very strong loud fast heartbeat. My heart felt so much joy.
During the appointment, the doctor was trying to say this was a "High Risk Pregnancy". I feel like that can be debated and I am still not sure what I think. We are going with our sweet midwife from Greyson and will have her until week 32-33.
If week 32-33, finds baby #2 not continuing to grow, we will make other decisions. I have fine with WHATEVER. I just pray I can keep this baby.
Already this baby is much different than lil G. Measuring 5 days ahead of schedule! We are calling him, our lil "fatty". Haha. We think he's probably a boy, but we don't know and we literally do not care. We get to find out in March.
Sooo, I got to leave the office almost a week ahead of schedule, which to me is awesome. First of all, I feel so disgusting almost all the time, so to have 5 days off the seemingly endless 40 weeks countdown... is a miracle. Annnnd to have a baby bigger than normal rather than smaller than normal (like G) is such a God-thing, just a lil reminder from Him to me that He is in control and will work everything out for our good, including the growth of this baby.
So, we're just in love with our lil baby growing inside and so thankful, praying always to trust Jesus and His plan, rather than ours, and trying to rely on Him for strength to walk through these next 5/6 months with courage, vision, excitement, joy and to not rely on our own thoughts and fears to dominate. It is way too long of a time (carrying a baby to term) to be stuck in anxiety or fear of "what if's". But, I also realize that those emotions, along with many others, will be present, and it's my job to work them out and pray them out.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil 4:8
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
Friday, January 18, 2013
Bitterness
This week, especially yesterday, God begin revealing to me my bitterness again.
1. I have struggled with bitterness over losing my lil' baby.
2. Bitterness and envy over watching almost every single one of my friends deliver healthy babies since June.
3. Bitterness over what a few people have said and what some have not said since losing our little girl.
Yesterday, I was working on the last 2. I'm just tired of seeing it over and over.
I am totally happy for my friends, but to be honest, it is a very surfacy happiness. It doesn't go down deep, it is not rejoicing with them. Every time a friend has a baby, it takes me a few days to "get over it".
It's even worse when the last 2 bitterness issues are connected. Which happened about a month ago.
A ...friend... decided to send me the text announcement along with a picture of her newborn baby girl. After disappearing/putting barely any effort into our relationship the past 6 months. That was hard to take. Needless to say, there was no response on my behalf. I could not do it. Eeee.
Now, when it is a true friend who is having a baby, I actually am happy for them. I am a lil envious. But I acknowledge it. I congratulate them. Then there's a minor distance for a lil while.
I will say, it does make it much easier that I am 1/3 done with baking baby #2, and soon I will have another baby in my arms.
But, I have decided that it's not for me to really visit while you have your newborn, or go out with you and your new baby, and I have really no desire to hold your baby. The last baby I held was mine, the next one I will hold, will be mine.
Plus, I am terrified of the emotions that will come out while holding a healthy baby that is not mine. It could be dangerous. And I will just wait til next July/August to deal with those. By myself. With my husband. With my new baby. Ohh, scary.
Yesterday, I was with a fellow baby-loss Mom, and we unfortunately got to venting over people who had disappointed us during the worst time of our lives; who had done really stupid things; and said some of the stupidest things ever at the worst times ever.
We had to cut our hang-out time on that note, without ever really encouraging each other to move past that.
The whole drive home, God was convicting me...
He has asked me repeatedly to stop talking about the 2 main people who have really urked me since losing lil G. But it just always seem to weave itself into certain conversations. Sadly.
As I was driving, these 2 verses came to my mind:
1. The more talk, the less the meaning. (Ecc 6:11)
2. When words are many, sin is not absent. He who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
Then my friend and I touched base later just addressing our attitudes, and the theme of our text conversation was to remind ourselves that we fail and disappoint Jesus all the stinkin time...and yet, He loves us. He loves us deeply. And when one person says dumb things or one person chooses to ignore your pain, we immediately are offended and "over it". At least I am.
So, God has been reminding me of His great love and how the more I know Him, the more I should be like Him. He loves us deeply, can I love these few people deeply...from my heart? Can I forgive them truly? Forgive them with all my heart, mind, soul, strength? Once and for all? Move on, move forward? Stop bringing it up? Ask the Lord to help me forget? These are all the things I am praying over myself regarding these few people.
It's a process. Even though, I have spoken the words out loud ( I forgive them!)...um, it definitely takes way more than that. At least with me. At least with this situation.
Colossians 3:7-8
You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of all anger....
James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of (it)...
Proverbs 15:28
The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.
So, pray for me as I walk through this part of the process. I don't want bitterness to have a root in my heart over a few people who truly should have no power over my heart.
I feel like it's time to move forward, leaving those people...and their words and attitudes IN the past. God has more. He has blessed me with people who might not know what to say, but are there for me, who listen, acknowledge my pain, say sweet things, not stupid things.
I am thankful for them. And I believe I am supposed to focus on them, rather that the others. :)
1. I have struggled with bitterness over losing my lil' baby.
2. Bitterness and envy over watching almost every single one of my friends deliver healthy babies since June.
3. Bitterness over what a few people have said and what some have not said since losing our little girl.
Yesterday, I was working on the last 2. I'm just tired of seeing it over and over.
I am totally happy for my friends, but to be honest, it is a very surfacy happiness. It doesn't go down deep, it is not rejoicing with them. Every time a friend has a baby, it takes me a few days to "get over it".
It's even worse when the last 2 bitterness issues are connected. Which happened about a month ago.
A ...friend... decided to send me the text announcement along with a picture of her newborn baby girl. After disappearing/putting barely any effort into our relationship the past 6 months. That was hard to take. Needless to say, there was no response on my behalf. I could not do it. Eeee.
Now, when it is a true friend who is having a baby, I actually am happy for them. I am a lil envious. But I acknowledge it. I congratulate them. Then there's a minor distance for a lil while.
I will say, it does make it much easier that I am 1/3 done with baking baby #2, and soon I will have another baby in my arms.
But, I have decided that it's not for me to really visit while you have your newborn, or go out with you and your new baby, and I have really no desire to hold your baby. The last baby I held was mine, the next one I will hold, will be mine.
Plus, I am terrified of the emotions that will come out while holding a healthy baby that is not mine. It could be dangerous. And I will just wait til next July/August to deal with those. By myself. With my husband. With my new baby. Ohh, scary.
Yesterday, I was with a fellow baby-loss Mom, and we unfortunately got to venting over people who had disappointed us during the worst time of our lives; who had done really stupid things; and said some of the stupidest things ever at the worst times ever.
We had to cut our hang-out time on that note, without ever really encouraging each other to move past that.
The whole drive home, God was convicting me...
He has asked me repeatedly to stop talking about the 2 main people who have really urked me since losing lil G. But it just always seem to weave itself into certain conversations. Sadly.
As I was driving, these 2 verses came to my mind:
1. The more talk, the less the meaning. (Ecc 6:11)
2. When words are many, sin is not absent. He who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
Then my friend and I touched base later just addressing our attitudes, and the theme of our text conversation was to remind ourselves that we fail and disappoint Jesus all the stinkin time...and yet, He loves us. He loves us deeply. And when one person says dumb things or one person chooses to ignore your pain, we immediately are offended and "over it". At least I am.
So, God has been reminding me of His great love and how the more I know Him, the more I should be like Him. He loves us deeply, can I love these few people deeply...from my heart? Can I forgive them truly? Forgive them with all my heart, mind, soul, strength? Once and for all? Move on, move forward? Stop bringing it up? Ask the Lord to help me forget? These are all the things I am praying over myself regarding these few people.
It's a process. Even though, I have spoken the words out loud ( I forgive them!)...um, it definitely takes way more than that. At least with me. At least with this situation.
Colossians 3:7-8
You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of all anger....
James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of (it)...
Proverbs 15:28
The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.
So, pray for me as I walk through this part of the process. I don't want bitterness to have a root in my heart over a few people who truly should have no power over my heart.
I feel like it's time to move forward, leaving those people...and their words and attitudes IN the past. God has more. He has blessed me with people who might not know what to say, but are there for me, who listen, acknowledge my pain, say sweet things, not stupid things.
I am thankful for them. And I believe I am supposed to focus on them, rather that the others. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Be at Rest my Soul
I've been thinking a lot on the word, "Soul" since my little baby died.
I have read a lot of verses that talk about the "anguish in your soul" or "love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul". Job- "my bitter soul must complain." or David- "You will not leave my soul among the dead."
Isaiah 57 talks about God, being the maker of our souls. I've heard people say that our hearts and souls are the same. But, I believe our hearts are just our hearts that beat. Our souls make up our being, who we are. So, instead of saying "She has a really sweet heart" You'd really mean "Soul".
(I feel like I sound like I'm teaching a lesson. Haha...)
The two most important decisions we can make with our souls are these 2 things:
1. Believing in Jesus as our Savior; Savior of our souls.
2. Choosing whom we marry. Whom we marry, we mingle our souls with.
(Mingling of Souls- which is "Dode" in Hebrew. It means "My beloved, my friend, my close one, my dear one, my intimate one, my kindred")
God takes the love you have with your spouse to create another soul, or really a house or body for Him to place a soul in. It's so strange to think of it that way, but so sweet.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." - Jeremiah 1:5. So, he knows us (our souls) before we're even formed in the womb!
That is crazy! So, he knew Greyson even before we got to know her...and he knows her little sibling, as well. He is forming this baby now, I love that thought.
I've thought a lot about this because I've thought a lot about why it mattered to be pregnant for 9 months only to create a body her soul would only be in for 2 days. Wouldn't it have been the same even just as miscarriage? Yep.
I know her lil soul is with Jesus and that is where I will be when I die. It's not just, "Myssi is no more" or "Greyson is no more". Our souls matter.
I am learning to leave that question (why 9 months for 2 days?) behind and trust that Jesus had her days numbered even in the womb. AND Jesus has this baby's days numbered already, too. I so hope this baby's day outlast mine!
I've thought about this a lot because it's sometimes so painful to think about my lil baby's body and how holding her until her lil heart stopped was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. And how it felt to just sit there and hold her even though I knew she was gone and her body was already turning cold. I hate thinking of that day. But, as I have mentioned before, I knew Jesus showed up and took her from me. So, I know He has her. Even if He hadn't have given me that vision, I'd still believe it.
We chose to cremate her, and when my husband and I have our own land, we will be burying that lil pink box hopefully under a pink dogwood tree. She has one planted at her Nana and Papa's house, and I can't wait to see it bloom with pretty pink flowers in April.
But, needless to say, my only hope in this tragedy, is in her soul being with the Lord in Heaven, waiting for me and her Daddy to get there, enjoying the Paradise that God created it to be for us, living in her mansion and being taken care of by all my friends and even angels, until we get there.
On the flip-side, I feel like my soul is still continuing to heal from losing Greyson. But, I actually don't know if it will really ever heal. I feel like it has suffered anguish it never wanted to suffer and can never been restored until I'm with her again. Since she is part of me, and she is gone, part of me is gone with her, too.
People say having another baby will really "help". And I believe that to some extent. But I will always be thinking about her. I just know I will busier, fulfilled, happier; being a Mom to a baby on earth, so maybe I won't have time to think about her as often. ( I am praying this baby brings our souls laughter, joy and healing.) There will always be something missing, not enough to keep me from living and enjoying life, but just... missing.
It's sometimes soo sad to me to think about continuing on without her. Bringing another baby into our family when she is not here to welcome her lil sibling home, and be best friends with him or her, breaks my heart into a million pieces. She would've been barely 1 years old and had no idea what was going on, but .... I would've loved it. :)
God says in Deuteronomy to search for him with all your heart and soul, and to love Him (the Lord your God) with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
I have sought to seek Him above all else while walking through Greyson's death.
Some days, I have had victory. Some days, I have failed. I have blamed Him. I have hated Him at times. He is always right there though...to forgive me, wipe my tears, heal my brokenness, pick me up and revive my soul. Without Him, I'd be so stuck.
I've tried to keep myself in His Word, and have found that just reading the Bible has helped my soul heal. In Psalms it says, "The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul" and in Proverbs, it says, His Words (and wisdom) have the power to refresh my soul! And if I let God teach me, I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:29)
In another place in Proverbs, God calls Himself the one who guards our souls. And also, He is our Shepherd, the Guardian of our souls. (1 Peter) I love that!
In Matthew it says to not be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Scary, but true!) And then he says again in Matthew, is ANYTHING more important/worth more than your soul? And what do you gain if you gain the whole world, yet lose your soul? (Mark 8)
In Hebrews, God says He is our Hope- "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."
"The reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:9
I entrusted my soul to the Lord as a lil girl and then again when I was a little older. I am so thankful that I am His daughter and Greyson is His daughter and He loves her even better than I could right now.
We are so thankful the Lord has entrusted us with another lil soul... hopefully one we get to keep and watch over and guard and shepherd. :) We will be accountable to God for each soul he blesses us with. That is crazy to think about!
"Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God." (Hebrews 13:17) (Spiritual Leaders/Pastors/Parents, etc)
I will end with this verse that I have repeated to myself over and over and over and over throughout the past 7 months... (found in Psalms 116)
"Be at rest o my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me."
AND this song by Jesus Culture...
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-one-thing-remains-lyrics.html ]
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love.
Love it!
I have read a lot of verses that talk about the "anguish in your soul" or "love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul". Job- "my bitter soul must complain." or David- "You will not leave my soul among the dead."
Isaiah 57 talks about God, being the maker of our souls. I've heard people say that our hearts and souls are the same. But, I believe our hearts are just our hearts that beat. Our souls make up our being, who we are. So, instead of saying "She has a really sweet heart" You'd really mean "Soul".
(I feel like I sound like I'm teaching a lesson. Haha...)
The two most important decisions we can make with our souls are these 2 things:
1. Believing in Jesus as our Savior; Savior of our souls.
2. Choosing whom we marry. Whom we marry, we mingle our souls with.
(Mingling of Souls- which is "Dode" in Hebrew. It means "My beloved, my friend, my close one, my dear one, my intimate one, my kindred")
God takes the love you have with your spouse to create another soul, or really a house or body for Him to place a soul in. It's so strange to think of it that way, but so sweet.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." - Jeremiah 1:5. So, he knows us (our souls) before we're even formed in the womb!
That is crazy! So, he knew Greyson even before we got to know her...and he knows her little sibling, as well. He is forming this baby now, I love that thought.
I've thought a lot about this because I've thought a lot about why it mattered to be pregnant for 9 months only to create a body her soul would only be in for 2 days. Wouldn't it have been the same even just as miscarriage? Yep.
I know her lil soul is with Jesus and that is where I will be when I die. It's not just, "Myssi is no more" or "Greyson is no more". Our souls matter.
I am learning to leave that question (why 9 months for 2 days?) behind and trust that Jesus had her days numbered even in the womb. AND Jesus has this baby's days numbered already, too. I so hope this baby's day outlast mine!
I've thought about this a lot because it's sometimes so painful to think about my lil baby's body and how holding her until her lil heart stopped was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. And how it felt to just sit there and hold her even though I knew she was gone and her body was already turning cold. I hate thinking of that day. But, as I have mentioned before, I knew Jesus showed up and took her from me. So, I know He has her. Even if He hadn't have given me that vision, I'd still believe it.
We chose to cremate her, and when my husband and I have our own land, we will be burying that lil pink box hopefully under a pink dogwood tree. She has one planted at her Nana and Papa's house, and I can't wait to see it bloom with pretty pink flowers in April.
But, needless to say, my only hope in this tragedy, is in her soul being with the Lord in Heaven, waiting for me and her Daddy to get there, enjoying the Paradise that God created it to be for us, living in her mansion and being taken care of by all my friends and even angels, until we get there.
"For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave." (Psalm 16:10)
On the flip-side, I feel like my soul is still continuing to heal from losing Greyson. But, I actually don't know if it will really ever heal. I feel like it has suffered anguish it never wanted to suffer and can never been restored until I'm with her again. Since she is part of me, and she is gone, part of me is gone with her, too.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." (Psalm 31:7)
Thank the Lord! That He sees me and cares about the anguish my soul is working through.
People say having another baby will really "help". And I believe that to some extent. But I will always be thinking about her. I just know I will busier, fulfilled, happier; being a Mom to a baby on earth, so maybe I won't have time to think about her as often. ( I am praying this baby brings our souls laughter, joy and healing.) There will always be something missing, not enough to keep me from living and enjoying life, but just... missing.
It's sometimes soo sad to me to think about continuing on without her. Bringing another baby into our family when she is not here to welcome her lil sibling home, and be best friends with him or her, breaks my heart into a million pieces. She would've been barely 1 years old and had no idea what was going on, but .... I would've loved it. :)
God says in Deuteronomy to search for him with all your heart and soul, and to love Him (the Lord your God) with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
I have sought to seek Him above all else while walking through Greyson's death.
Some days, I have had victory. Some days, I have failed. I have blamed Him. I have hated Him at times. He is always right there though...to forgive me, wipe my tears, heal my brokenness, pick me up and revive my soul. Without Him, I'd be so stuck.
I've tried to keep myself in His Word, and have found that just reading the Bible has helped my soul heal. In Psalms it says, "The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul" and in Proverbs, it says, His Words (and wisdom) have the power to refresh my soul! And if I let God teach me, I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:29)
In another place in Proverbs, God calls Himself the one who guards our souls. And also, He is our Shepherd, the Guardian of our souls. (1 Peter) I love that!
In Matthew it says to not be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Scary, but true!) And then he says again in Matthew, is ANYTHING more important/worth more than your soul? And what do you gain if you gain the whole world, yet lose your soul? (Mark 8)
In Hebrews, God says He is our Hope- "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."
"The reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:9
I entrusted my soul to the Lord as a lil girl and then again when I was a little older. I am so thankful that I am His daughter and Greyson is His daughter and He loves her even better than I could right now.
We are so thankful the Lord has entrusted us with another lil soul... hopefully one we get to keep and watch over and guard and shepherd. :) We will be accountable to God for each soul he blesses us with. That is crazy to think about!
"Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God." (Hebrews 13:17) (Spiritual Leaders/Pastors/Parents, etc)
I will end with this verse that I have repeated to myself over and over and over and over throughout the past 7 months... (found in Psalms 116)
"Be at rest o my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me."
AND this song by Jesus Culture...
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-one-thing-remains-lyrics.html ]
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love.
Love it!
Friday, January 11, 2013
7 months too long
Woke up crying and dry-heaving this morning. It's kind of funny, but not really.
Crying because I wanted my baby here again. 7 months without her? Death.
Dry-heaving because there was nothing in my stomach to throw-up.
I cannot believe Greyson would be 7 months old today!? Time has gone by so fast, yet soooo slow. I just can't believe it. I can't believe in the next 6/7 months, there will be baby #2 here. I am hoping that set of time goes by as quick as these last 7 months have.
It seems like just yesterday I was walking the long driveway trying to move the contractions along....and now today, I was walking that same driveway trying to not to cry too much, and just praising the Lord for the beautiful weather so I could get out and get fresh air and walk with the new baby in my belly.
Weird.
I could write a whole post that talks about how badly I miss her, how my heart is still so sad, how I wonder what she would look like now....but it's the same thing I've written about over and over and over before.
I know she is happy. That is what matters. I know I get to see her again. I know God knows what He is doing.
Crying because I wanted my baby here again. 7 months without her? Death.
Dry-heaving because there was nothing in my stomach to throw-up.
I cannot believe Greyson would be 7 months old today!? Time has gone by so fast, yet soooo slow. I just can't believe it. I can't believe in the next 6/7 months, there will be baby #2 here. I am hoping that set of time goes by as quick as these last 7 months have.
It seems like just yesterday I was walking the long driveway trying to move the contractions along....and now today, I was walking that same driveway trying to not to cry too much, and just praising the Lord for the beautiful weather so I could get out and get fresh air and walk with the new baby in my belly.
Weird.
I could write a whole post that talks about how badly I miss her, how my heart is still so sad, how I wonder what she would look like now....but it's the same thing I've written about over and over and over before.
I know she is happy. That is what matters. I know I get to see her again. I know God knows what He is doing.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Baby
Tomorrow my sweet lil baby girl would be 7 months old.
And next week, I will be 3 months pregnant with her lil sibling.
My heart is rejoicing and so thankful, yet still so broken and grieving. I miss her so so much.
I am excited to be a Mom to a baby here on earth come first of August. Praying this baby can stay with us.
The Lord has blessed us with another tiny soul and we are so thankful.
Pregnancy is just not that fun for me, so if you can, pray it goes quickly. :) We get to hear the heartbeat in 12 days, I am so so excited.
More on all of this tomorrow. :)
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The Old has Gone, the New is Here (2013)
2013...
Last night, right around 11:30p, I began thinking about my little girl. Wondering what she'd be doing if she had gotten to stay with us...
I also was feeling very bittersweet-ish.
Heading into a New Year, leaving the worst year (yet redeemed) of my life behind, the year where my first baby was born (best day of my life) and the year where my first baby died (worst day of my life).
It's weird to think... "last year she died..." when I still replay the day over and over and it feels like just yesterday. Yet... it still feels like it may have never happened at all, too since everything happened so stinkin fast.
The other day, I began crying thinking of the day when I finally get to Heaven and my sweet baby is handed to me. How happy she will be!! And how my heart will finally feel mended!! I cannot wait. It keeps me living for my last day... for Jesus. Because without Him, I'd never see her again. So thankful.
Until then, I will stay here, living life as fully as possible and looking forward to that day, but missing her so much.
Each day we get further from seeing her, yet never forgetting her.... and each day, we get closer to seeing her again. Such a weird thought process.
It's weird to think of my life at this time last year. I was 3 months pregnant, dealing with nauseousness and huge stomach aches all the time, everything was going smoothy, we were excited, yet had no idea what to expect. I was thankful, but not like I am now. Very strange to look back. I was such a different person then.
God has taken this tragedy and turned me into something different. It probably isn't visible on the outside at times, I am quieter, less into conversation, not as smiley or friendly.... but inside, I am slowly being transformed and renewed. Hard to think that it takes a completely life changing traumatic loss to bring about better change, but it does. And I find myself thankful for it.
I am not thankful for losing my baby, but I am thankful for how Jesus has chosen to use that in my life and in others around me. I am thankful that He has her safe n sound. I am thankful that He has taken care of me & given me huge loads of peace and healing. I am thankful that out of His mercy and compassion and wisdom He did what He saw fit.
Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I will never forget my lil G, nor am I trying to and feel I have to... but this verse encourages me to press on towards what is ahead and towards the goal of knowing Jesus more. To leave behind the fear, anger, doubt, despair...
Philippians 3: 7-10 "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ..."
Learning all along what has been most important to me and what has to stay most important to me... all else is such a waste of time!
Romans 12:2 " Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -------> One of my prayers for this New Year.
So, as an old year passes and a new year begins, I am reminded that we are all a mist that appears for a lil while, then vanishes, so will our lives be when we look back on them. Goes by so fast. I am sad for what is behind, but sort of glad it IS so far behind now, and I am so thankful that Jesus has carried me each step of the way and I am actually kind of excited for what 2013 has for us. :)
Last night, right around 11:30p, I began thinking about my little girl. Wondering what she'd be doing if she had gotten to stay with us...
I also was feeling very bittersweet-ish.
Heading into a New Year, leaving the worst year (yet redeemed) of my life behind, the year where my first baby was born (best day of my life) and the year where my first baby died (worst day of my life).
It's weird to think... "last year she died..." when I still replay the day over and over and it feels like just yesterday. Yet... it still feels like it may have never happened at all, too since everything happened so stinkin fast.
The other day, I began crying thinking of the day when I finally get to Heaven and my sweet baby is handed to me. How happy she will be!! And how my heart will finally feel mended!! I cannot wait. It keeps me living for my last day... for Jesus. Because without Him, I'd never see her again. So thankful.
Until then, I will stay here, living life as fully as possible and looking forward to that day, but missing her so much.
Each day we get further from seeing her, yet never forgetting her.... and each day, we get closer to seeing her again. Such a weird thought process.
It's weird to think of my life at this time last year. I was 3 months pregnant, dealing with nauseousness and huge stomach aches all the time, everything was going smoothy, we were excited, yet had no idea what to expect. I was thankful, but not like I am now. Very strange to look back. I was such a different person then.
God has taken this tragedy and turned me into something different. It probably isn't visible on the outside at times, I am quieter, less into conversation, not as smiley or friendly.... but inside, I am slowly being transformed and renewed. Hard to think that it takes a completely life changing traumatic loss to bring about better change, but it does. And I find myself thankful for it.
I am not thankful for losing my baby, but I am thankful for how Jesus has chosen to use that in my life and in others around me. I am thankful that He has her safe n sound. I am thankful that He has taken care of me & given me huge loads of peace and healing. I am thankful that out of His mercy and compassion and wisdom He did what He saw fit.
Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I will never forget my lil G, nor am I trying to and feel I have to... but this verse encourages me to press on towards what is ahead and towards the goal of knowing Jesus more. To leave behind the fear, anger, doubt, despair...
Philippians 3: 7-10 "But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ..."
Learning all along what has been most important to me and what has to stay most important to me... all else is such a waste of time!
Romans 12:2 " Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -------> One of my prayers for this New Year.
So, as an old year passes and a new year begins, I am reminded that we are all a mist that appears for a lil while, then vanishes, so will our lives be when we look back on them. Goes by so fast. I am sad for what is behind, but sort of glad it IS so far behind now, and I am so thankful that Jesus has carried me each step of the way and I am actually kind of excited for what 2013 has for us. :)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wishing she was here with me
Today, I accidentally & quickly saw a picture of a baby girl who was born about 2 wks before Greyson.
It really didn't upset me at the time, but half of the day, I've been trying to figure out what Greyson would look like at 6 months and what we'd be doing. I imagine getting her up from her nap, cuddling with her, playing with her, getting her all excited for when Daddy gets home, feeling all the joy that you are supposed to feel as a parent.
I am also bothered by all my friends who have had babies recently. Of course I am happy for them... but I am also jealous as they highlight all the milestones. We made it to one day old, people.
One day. That is all we got.
I feel anxious for them. I'm just waiting for the text or call that says their baby stopped breathing. It's absolutely not because I want that happening to them, it's because I expect it because of what happened to us.
I feel jealous of all they are getting to experience. Their 9 month term has turned into something for them of a huge life-changing bundle of joy. Mine, not even close.
Today, I was also at the store...and it was like alllll the mom's with their babies came out from hiding. I was just gagging on the inside. They would smile at me, and I was like... Um, yah, whatever. Smile at someone else. And they do. The other mom's.
It's so irritating how mean I feel towards them. They have no idea what I've gone through over here. I have no idea what they have gone through either.
Nonetheless I still wanted to have Greyson with me, with her cute leggings and boots, I wanted to be pushing her and buying her lil baby food treats. Ugh.
Sometimes it just feels easier to stay home, stay offline, stay disconnected. Then you don't have to pretend to rejoice with others as their lives have "gone so perfectly". I sound terrible, right?
I just wish things had have turned out like they are turning out for everyone else around me. Yet, as I type that, I realize how stupid that sounds. Because I look around and clearly life is not a bed of roses for everyone...there is loss and tragedy and horrible things all the time and nobody's life is perfect. A least a couple dozen people come to mind who have lost babies, spouses, children, parents....
This verse came to mind as I said that....
"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies--so the living should take this to heart." Ecc 7:2
As time goes on, I am drawn more to people who have experienced grief or loss. They are more real, more deep, honest, closer to Jesus, they see everything through a different lens, a lens that sees God in everything. Not everything has gone perfect.
As I continue to think about that thought mentioned above, wishing for the same outcome for us....again I am convicted... I mean, Jesus has done soooo much for us in the last 6 months. Even though we lost our baby, He has done so much. Given so much.
So so so so much.
I am without excuse to continue to praise Him while I think I see others who have more reason to.
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
I have learned to praise Jesus.... as He takes away.
I have learned to trust Jesus...as He takes away.
I have learned to thank Jesus....as He takes away.
My life is so full of blessings.
If we can't praise God during the times we think are bad, then God is just "Santa Claus" to us.
We want to climb on His lap, whisper to him all what we want, wait for it...... get it.
We take no account to the fact that He is wisdom. He knows what is the best possible route for our lives. He does nothing bad. He knows what will draw our hearts to His and draw others to Himself through us.
He wants to see how we will respond if we do not get what we are asking Him for; expecting; watching others get; assuming is rightfully ours; fits into our timeline.
Talking to myself.
"The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." Psalms 145:17
It really didn't upset me at the time, but half of the day, I've been trying to figure out what Greyson would look like at 6 months and what we'd be doing. I imagine getting her up from her nap, cuddling with her, playing with her, getting her all excited for when Daddy gets home, feeling all the joy that you are supposed to feel as a parent.
I am also bothered by all my friends who have had babies recently. Of course I am happy for them... but I am also jealous as they highlight all the milestones. We made it to one day old, people.
One day. That is all we got.
I feel anxious for them. I'm just waiting for the text or call that says their baby stopped breathing. It's absolutely not because I want that happening to them, it's because I expect it because of what happened to us.
I feel jealous of all they are getting to experience. Their 9 month term has turned into something for them of a huge life-changing bundle of joy. Mine, not even close.
Today, I was also at the store...and it was like alllll the mom's with their babies came out from hiding. I was just gagging on the inside. They would smile at me, and I was like... Um, yah, whatever. Smile at someone else. And they do. The other mom's.
It's so irritating how mean I feel towards them. They have no idea what I've gone through over here. I have no idea what they have gone through either.
Nonetheless I still wanted to have Greyson with me, with her cute leggings and boots, I wanted to be pushing her and buying her lil baby food treats. Ugh.
Sometimes it just feels easier to stay home, stay offline, stay disconnected. Then you don't have to pretend to rejoice with others as their lives have "gone so perfectly". I sound terrible, right?
I just wish things had have turned out like they are turning out for everyone else around me. Yet, as I type that, I realize how stupid that sounds. Because I look around and clearly life is not a bed of roses for everyone...there is loss and tragedy and horrible things all the time and nobody's life is perfect. A least a couple dozen people come to mind who have lost babies, spouses, children, parents....
This verse came to mind as I said that....
"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies--so the living should take this to heart." Ecc 7:2
As time goes on, I am drawn more to people who have experienced grief or loss. They are more real, more deep, honest, closer to Jesus, they see everything through a different lens, a lens that sees God in everything. Not everything has gone perfect.
As I continue to think about that thought mentioned above, wishing for the same outcome for us....again I am convicted... I mean, Jesus has done soooo much for us in the last 6 months. Even though we lost our baby, He has done so much. Given so much.
So so so so much.
I am without excuse to continue to praise Him while I think I see others who have more reason to.
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
I have learned to praise Jesus.... as He takes away.
I have learned to trust Jesus...as He takes away.
I have learned to thank Jesus....as He takes away.
My life is so full of blessings.
If we can't praise God during the times we think are bad, then God is just "Santa Claus" to us.
We want to climb on His lap, whisper to him all what we want, wait for it...... get it.
We take no account to the fact that He is wisdom. He knows what is the best possible route for our lives. He does nothing bad. He knows what will draw our hearts to His and draw others to Himself through us.
He wants to see how we will respond if we do not get what we are asking Him for; expecting; watching others get; assuming is rightfully ours; fits into our timeline.
Talking to myself.
"The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." Psalms 145:17
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Letters to my Lumpy
Another birthday "celebrated" without you here, my sweet lil baby. My lil Lumpy, as your Daddy called you in my belly.
I have thought about you all day, cried for you numerous times. I watched your after-birth video that is 2.5 minutes of sweetness of you, but death to my soul.
I should have you on my hip, doing everything with me today. You should be eating a tiny lil cupcake with a pink sparkly "G" on it.
6 months is a long time for a baby to be away from her mommy.
6 months is a long time for a mommy to be alone without her baby.
Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever heal.
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalms 13:2)
I love you more than words, Greyson. I never knew that I could love someone so much besides your Daddy. We talk about you all the time and wonder what life would have been like with you here.
We would have been so excited to celebrate what we thought was going to be our first Christmas together as a lil family with you. I would have loved to shopped and got you some fun stuff and cool boxes to rip open. It would have been fun to buy you cute Christmas dresses and make you cute hairbows. Instead it's just us trying to get through it, we haven't even cared to finish decorating our tree.
The thing is, I know with all my heart you are actually being celebrated up in Heaven. I imagine you sitting on Jesus' lap, being bounced around and cuddled and kissed by Him and your Uncle's & Aunts (Drew & Leighanna especially.) I know you are happy and full of joy and delight and probably cuter than words. You are in a place where the sun never sets, you never go hungry, cold or unloved. I love that thought. My soul finds rest in that thought alone.
(I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7)
I love you my lil hisperican. You were such a beautiful gift to me and I didn't even realize that to the fullest until you were gone. (Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3)
I'm living for my last day on Earth, where I can run into Jesus' arms and where you can finally run into mine.
-Love,
Your Mommy
Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you. -Psalms 25:5
Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
Yes, I carried you before you were born. - Isaiah 46:3
Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. -Psalms 116:7
I have thought about you all day, cried for you numerous times. I watched your after-birth video that is 2.5 minutes of sweetness of you, but death to my soul.
I should have you on my hip, doing everything with me today. You should be eating a tiny lil cupcake with a pink sparkly "G" on it.
6 months is a long time for a baby to be away from her mommy.
6 months is a long time for a mommy to be alone without her baby.
Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever heal.
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalms 13:2)
I love you more than words, Greyson. I never knew that I could love someone so much besides your Daddy. We talk about you all the time and wonder what life would have been like with you here.
We would have been so excited to celebrate what we thought was going to be our first Christmas together as a lil family with you. I would have loved to shopped and got you some fun stuff and cool boxes to rip open. It would have been fun to buy you cute Christmas dresses and make you cute hairbows. Instead it's just us trying to get through it, we haven't even cared to finish decorating our tree.
The thing is, I know with all my heart you are actually being celebrated up in Heaven. I imagine you sitting on Jesus' lap, being bounced around and cuddled and kissed by Him and your Uncle's & Aunts (Drew & Leighanna especially.) I know you are happy and full of joy and delight and probably cuter than words. You are in a place where the sun never sets, you never go hungry, cold or unloved. I love that thought. My soul finds rest in that thought alone.
(I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7)
I love you my lil hisperican. You were such a beautiful gift to me and I didn't even realize that to the fullest until you were gone. (Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3)
I'm living for my last day on Earth, where I can run into Jesus' arms and where you can finally run into mine.
-Love,
Your Mommy
Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you. -Psalms 25:5
Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
Yes, I carried you before you were born. - Isaiah 46:3
Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. -Psalms 116:7
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Swallowed up by Life
Today I was thinking about my sweet baby girl.
I was reliving the horrors at the E.R. on June 13th.
Reliving riding in the ambulance and burying my head in my hands for like an hour straight begging God to save our lil baby G.
Reliving getting to go stand by her side while all the doctors worked on her tiny lil 5lb body.
Remembering when she straight up looked at me and her daddy for the last time here on earth.
Remembering the nurse shutting her eye and feeling sooo mad. (That is my daughter and she is looking at me!)
I was whispering in her ear that I loved her more than anything, but that she could go to Jesus if she needed. That is why she looked at me, to let me know she heard.
Mostly, I was remembering holding her while she was still on life-support and right after she was taken off. It's all so fuzzy. I didn't know if I was holding a barely alive baby or a dead one.
It was surreal.
I remember rocking her and kissing her and telling her I loved her. I remember closing my eyes in shock and starting to cry finally. I remember Jesus being there and asking for her. It took me awhile, but I finally told him, Ok. I remember watching Him take her and walk away. Worst moment of my life, yet best in a twisted way. To know if she is not with me, she is with Him. So comforting.
The thing sometimes I regret is not just holding her more. Kissing her, smelling her, touching her; even after I knew she was gone and with Jesus and the doctors called out "TOD, 11:04a".
But, I think it is all a mind-game, a puzzle, a place of trauma in my mind.... that I go back to to see if I myself could have changed things that day and not felt so completely sad now (holding her longer = not such an emptiness now)
Yah, doesn't work like that I'm sure.
I just miss her. With my whole heart. I rejoice she is with my Savior, but am deeply saddened she is not here with me, with us.
I just want to look at her; remember what she looked like without having to stare at a picture.
I just want to feel her squishy skin without closing my eyes and touching the glass of a frame or the screen of my laptop or phone.
I just want to hear her cry or see her smile or laugh.
Two days was just not enough.
But it obviously was just enough, or she'd still be here.
2 Samuel 22:29
"The Lord turns my darkness into light."
Isaiah 57:1
I was reliving the horrors at the E.R. on June 13th.
Reliving riding in the ambulance and burying my head in my hands for like an hour straight begging God to save our lil baby G.
Reliving getting to go stand by her side while all the doctors worked on her tiny lil 5lb body.
Remembering when she straight up looked at me and her daddy for the last time here on earth.
Remembering the nurse shutting her eye and feeling sooo mad. (That is my daughter and she is looking at me!)
I was whispering in her ear that I loved her more than anything, but that she could go to Jesus if she needed. That is why she looked at me, to let me know she heard.
Mostly, I was remembering holding her while she was still on life-support and right after she was taken off. It's all so fuzzy. I didn't know if I was holding a barely alive baby or a dead one.
It was surreal.
I remember rocking her and kissing her and telling her I loved her. I remember closing my eyes in shock and starting to cry finally. I remember Jesus being there and asking for her. It took me awhile, but I finally told him, Ok. I remember watching Him take her and walk away. Worst moment of my life, yet best in a twisted way. To know if she is not with me, she is with Him. So comforting.
The thing sometimes I regret is not just holding her more. Kissing her, smelling her, touching her; even after I knew she was gone and with Jesus and the doctors called out "TOD, 11:04a".
But, I think it is all a mind-game, a puzzle, a place of trauma in my mind.... that I go back to to see if I myself could have changed things that day and not felt so completely sad now (holding her longer = not such an emptiness now)
Yah, doesn't work like that I'm sure.
I just miss her. With my whole heart. I rejoice she is with my Savior, but am deeply saddened she is not here with me, with us.
I just want to look at her; remember what she looked like without having to stare at a picture.
I just want to feel her squishy skin without closing my eyes and touching the glass of a frame or the screen of my laptop or phone.
I just want to hear her cry or see her smile or laugh.
Two days was just not enough.
But it obviously was just enough, or she'd still be here.
2 Samuel 22:29
"The Lord turns my darkness into light."
Isaiah 57:1
"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time.
But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand
that God is protecting them from the evil to come."
But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand
that God is protecting them from the evil to come."
2 Corinthians 5:1-8
"For
we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is,
when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in
heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human
hands... we will not be spirits without bodies. While
we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that
we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we
want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be
swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.
1 Cor 2:9
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” |
I know that my little GEM has been swallowed up by life, and she is at home with her Lord! That is the only thing that gives my heart joy sometimes.
I am so thankful.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Fairness vs Righteousness
Tonight, a wave of jealousy came over me.
I was attempting to avoid the situation all together that I knew would cause that by aiming for ignorance.
Psh.
I am all the sudden thrown into the only downward spiral of the fairness of life.... I look around... and I see what I want to see; what my envious heart needs to see in order to feed the envy. I forget all the other things... the blessings.
How can I say, "Wow, that is so so unfair" and "Thank you, Lord" at the same time? It's impossible.
I have heard of so much news today; bad & irritating, sad, good & great.
All in 1 day.
Life changes for so many people, so many friends.
In just a few short hours, life can change so much, we are thrown into praise and joy or grief and sadness.... It's like a cycle. Too much of one could leave us forgetting God and too much of the other can leave us very vulnerable to sin.
In my life, looking back on a few huge milestones, I see that in just a few days, hours, moments, life is forever changed....
I remember being set free from a 5 year eating disorder in the span of 3 weeks.
I remember living through a high- speed head-on collision with bad knee injuries, but my heart still beating.
I remember marrying my best friend after praying for a husband for years.
I remember birthing my pretty lil baby on June 11th, thinking, "Wow, I can't believe she is mine!"
I remember having to say good-bye to her 2 days later in the E.R. wishing I was dying with her.
In all those life-changing days, I mostly remember GOD...
Who was there and is with me now. Who allowed miracles to happen and spoke comfort and joy to me throughout those days.... plus many more I can't even remember.
A few days ago, I read the verse, "The Lord is righteous in all He does." (Psalm 145:17) I was preparing for an emotional/irritating day the next day and was super thankful to have that verse to hang on to. I wouldn't have really liked that verse or even accepted it as truth until the very day I read it last week because I was still struggling with that issue.
But, I truly believe that and know know know that He is in control, knows exactly what He is doing and is righteous no matter what. I can't question Him, even though I want to sometimes or maybe not even question, just proclaim the unfairness I feel so strongly at times. (Why did they get a healthy baby and we did not?) (ETC.!!!!!) (Wait, that is a question! Blast!)
If He is righteous in ALL He does, then, He is most certainly not missing a moment and k-n-o-w-s everything that did happen, is happening and will happen.... and He... is.... Wisdom. ...and He is Righteousness.
So, now that I have been reminded of His righteousness in my heart of "unfairness", and just the tiny lil list of only the big miracles in my life, ( there are soooooooo many little miracles thru out the course of even 1 day!) maybe I can sleep in a thankful heart towards Him who is before all things, and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17) and I can praise Him for the huge blessings He has given my hubby and I this year, from start to finish.
I have everything to be thankful for and my heart rejoices at the thought of being His daughter and Him listening to my cries for 5 months and answering us at each and every step and always knowing what was and is best!
Good grief.
It has taken literally 5 months to say some of those things out loud....and believe them.
Thank you for molding and softening my heart, Lord... so I can see who you really are in this mess.
I was attempting to avoid the situation all together that I knew would cause that by aiming for ignorance.
Psh.
I am all the sudden thrown into the only downward spiral of the fairness of life.... I look around... and I see what I want to see; what my envious heart needs to see in order to feed the envy. I forget all the other things... the blessings.
How can I say, "Wow, that is so so unfair" and "Thank you, Lord" at the same time? It's impossible.
I have heard of so much news today; bad & irritating, sad, good & great.
All in 1 day.
Life changes for so many people, so many friends.
In just a few short hours, life can change so much, we are thrown into praise and joy or grief and sadness.... It's like a cycle. Too much of one could leave us forgetting God and too much of the other can leave us very vulnerable to sin.
In my life, looking back on a few huge milestones, I see that in just a few days, hours, moments, life is forever changed....
I remember being set free from a 5 year eating disorder in the span of 3 weeks.
I remember living through a high- speed head-on collision with bad knee injuries, but my heart still beating.
I remember marrying my best friend after praying for a husband for years.
I remember birthing my pretty lil baby on June 11th, thinking, "Wow, I can't believe she is mine!"
I remember having to say good-bye to her 2 days later in the E.R. wishing I was dying with her.
In all those life-changing days, I mostly remember GOD...
Who was there and is with me now. Who allowed miracles to happen and spoke comfort and joy to me throughout those days.... plus many more I can't even remember.
A few days ago, I read the verse, "The Lord is righteous in all He does." (Psalm 145:17) I was preparing for an emotional/irritating day the next day and was super thankful to have that verse to hang on to. I wouldn't have really liked that verse or even accepted it as truth until the very day I read it last week because I was still struggling with that issue.
But, I truly believe that and know know know that He is in control, knows exactly what He is doing and is righteous no matter what. I can't question Him, even though I want to sometimes or maybe not even question, just proclaim the unfairness I feel so strongly at times. (Why did they get a healthy baby and we did not?) (ETC.!!!!!) (Wait, that is a question! Blast!)
If He is righteous in ALL He does, then, He is most certainly not missing a moment and k-n-o-w-s everything that did happen, is happening and will happen.... and He... is.... Wisdom. ...and He is Righteousness.
So, now that I have been reminded of His righteousness in my heart of "unfairness", and just the tiny lil list of only the big miracles in my life, ( there are soooooooo many little miracles thru out the course of even 1 day!) maybe I can sleep in a thankful heart towards Him who is before all things, and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17) and I can praise Him for the huge blessings He has given my hubby and I this year, from start to finish.
I have everything to be thankful for and my heart rejoices at the thought of being His daughter and Him listening to my cries for 5 months and answering us at each and every step and always knowing what was and is best!
Good grief.
It has taken literally 5 months to say some of those things out loud....and believe them.
Thank you for molding and softening my heart, Lord... so I can see who you really are in this mess.
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