Thursday, April 17, 2014

Officially OUT as long as IN- 9 months old!

Wow, time is flying!

With her friend Elliott. (3weeks apart)
 Trying to escape. Lol

Practicing her wave to Daddy!

I woke up this morning remembering last March, when our little Greyson would have been 9 months old, wondering so bad what it would have been like with a 9 month old baby girl and feeling so sad.
Such a difference 1 year makes, huh? 

Every birthday with Blakely is actually so bittersweet. I love being with her and raising her, but part of my soul is always sad for what I lost with Greyson. Every milestone and new trick I will not get to see with my Greyson- maybe ever, depending on how heaven is. 

And I can't believe I would have a two year old in 7 short weeks. Kill me. Oh my little itty baby G.... I so wish you were here with your little sister...and with your dad,...and with me. I will never stop believing you are actually gone ( like saying it to myself...did that really happen????) ( still in shock? I don't know.) I will also never stop wishing you were here.

Anyway, this is about Greyson's little sister today... Something to celebrate! We have a NINE month old!? Holy! how did that happen? I feel like in the last week, The Lord has really began to heal me, or rather, I am more open to allowing Him to begin healing my heart of the constant stress I had let seep in and control everything since Blakely was born. I am finally beginning to be able to enjoy having a baby. I was at a park on Easter, and He just said,"Myssi, look around, enjoy this.    Enjoy.
Enjoy it. Enjoy your living baby!"

Ever since then I have felt the tightness in the pit of my stomach start to erupt less and less. 
I am excited to see things a little differently before time just passes me by... excited to not close my eyes so often or clench my fists so tightly. (More on this later....)

So second baby girl has officially been OUT as long as IN! That is something to be excited about. 

She loves to laugh and smile. Man, her smile is the best part of my day sometimes. She is totally a mama's girl still, loves to cuddle (yay!) and this month she began crawling all over the place and climbing everything. Was that last month? Hmm. Can't remember. Either way, I haven't been able to sit down much since then because we don't have yet what we need to keep her in a safe secure non-climbing place. Just today she bumped her head twice while climbing. It was so sad, some of her very first ow-ies.
 She is constantly greeted by strangers and it is just now becoming ok with me. Every single place we go, we talk to people. Side-note: I will be interested to see if this happens this summer in Indy.

 Anyway, I just now became even slightly interested in conversations with strangers. I'm still only ehh about it. Have my guard up for the dreaded questions. A lady followed me around Trader Joes last week asking me if my firstborn almost two year old was potty trained yet and giving me tips on how to get it started that very day. I was actually really appreciative of her tips and will use them with Blakely, but it didn't stop the sting of the real life fact of having two girls, but only one I get with me now and how people will just not let it be
Anyway, Blakely is sometimes shy with these people, she will hide her face in my shoulder, which I secretly adore. I always encourage her to say hi. Which by the way, she waves now. (Heart melt!) 

Anyway, I am praying for a softer heart towards these strangers that talk to us everyday... To be able to use our story to point them to Jesus... or even if Greyson doesn't come up, be friendly and so kind. 

She still has no teeth, just a few buds. That is ok with me.
She loves, loves, loves water. So it has been super fun to be able to see her enjoy different things like our pool, the beach, lakes, etc. 
She loves being chased by me, peek-a-boo and she loves little kids.

Enjoys anything I am eating, any time I am eating it. Well, I take that back....she *wishes* she could enjoy everything I eat, but I don't let her have some of the stuff I eat (honey, peanut butter, strawberries, etc. )
Each time I sit down with a bowl or plate or really anything that is going into my mouth, she is over with me in a snap. It's cute. 
She loves fruit, all fruit, especially frozen blueberries and bananas and clementines. She loves bread, bagels and tortillas, but we try to only give her tiny bits of those. She will eat most vegetables, doesn't like peas too much, but will eat like 6 or 7. 

She is doing really good right now. We pretty much take it a week at a time, because each week is sometimes so different than the one before. Right now, she is sleeping thru the night ---technically. Goes to bed at 7, wakes a few time for her paci sometimes, and has been going until 6 to eat again! Bt normally her "schedule" only lasts a few days and then changes. Like last night, she woke up at 3:45 starving. So whatever, right? At least we are getting way more sleep than last month! Very thankful. You go into it thinking you can handle it, then halfway thru, you go crazy. Haha.

She is doing great. She was sick for the first time 2 weeks ago, then last week. Almost back to back. It was weird. She caught the head cold I got from her. Lol. So, my grossest moments with her have been the last 8 days dealing with all the drainage ....aka snot. Blarghf! Oh well, praising The Lord she is healthy now and hoping it continues! Going for her 9 month check up a little late (in 2 weeks) but excited to see how much she weighs and her height.

She is doing better at potty training this month, which is awesome!

We love her so badly we say...and can't wait to continue to watch her grow!
Thank you Jesus for two little girls!

Only 3 more months left...

It recently dawned on me that our second born daughter will be 9 months in 10 days! Time has flown by! Gah. 
I am loving every minute I get to spend with her! She is such a happy baby!

I don't want her to grow up ...and I do. Mostly.... I just went her to turn 1 so I don't have to worry about SIDS again. 

Innocence was definitely  stolen from me after losing Greyson. I have love-hate relationship with every nap Blakely takes and every hour she sleeps at night. I can't stand how the memories of Greyson invade the beauty and joy of Blakely. But they do. I have no choice but to wander if "this is the last time I will get to hold my breathing baby" 

And please don't tell me I am not trusting The Lord.

 I am. At least I am trying to. 

I know His perfect plan and will, I am not stupid to think that by me worrying or fretting or praying extra hard I can change those things. He has the number of our Little Sister's days already chosen and He already knows what He is going to do with her life. (I am secretly so excited to see what He has for her!!! Ok, not secretly.) 

But all that said, I still wonder if she has the same "issue" Greyson had. Recently,okay, not so recently, but last November, I came across some really amazing new finds in the world of SIDS. Finds I hate and are stupid, but it's better, 1000% better, than what I was left walking out of the hospital with on June 13th, 2012.  It was an article that was basically saying that scientist have been working on SIDS and coming closer to a "reason" than ever before. When there is a cause, there could be a cure, right?! The things they are discovering have nothing to do with position of sleep, smoke, gender, mattresses, co-sleeping, etc. Instead it has to do with a lack in the brain, maybe of serotonin, they think.  They took samples of babies who died of SIDS, that is how they are coming up with this information. The brains were different of a baby who died of another cause.

 A reasonable cause. An understandable cause. 

SIDS is the dumbest thing because it doesn't make sense ....and all along professionals have been grasping at straws trying to tell us that it's the environment that causes a baby to die.

Big fat NO. 

Even right after Greyson died, I knew that there was something that just wasn't right in her brain. Something forgot to fire or spark.  But I couldn't prove it. 

Anyway, all this to say, SIDS still kicks my butt and I hate it, but I am glad there are scientists out there doing research. A screening or a cure would be amazing. 

Because fear? This happening again. To us. When we least expect it. 

Anyway, here's to 3 more months! Praying I just have fun and enjoy them, not wishing them away!