Thursday, January 23, 2014

Nothing worse than the silence after

 1 year, 7 months, 1 week, 3 days.

Mommy misses you more than words.

I miss holding your tiny little body.

I miss how you felt as a 5 pounder on my chest, skin to skin.

I miss your little screech.

It feels like a nightmare I once had.

But then I have random memories I cannot escape throughout each day...and I know it really happened...

You were ours for a split second, than without any warning, gone in a blink of an eye.

When the on call ER doctor finally reported to us that there was nothing they could do for you, I felt like I was going to die.

 I wished it, in fact. I wanted to be the one back in that room, to allow both of us to escape the pain.

It was like stepping into hell for a moment in time.

Kissing your warm yet going cold head and cheeks, trying to process and take in all that was happening, and trying to remember you...forever.

Not enough time to take you in. After 1 year and 7 months, Mommy fights to remember how you felt, what you smelled like and how you looked. I often look to our pictures scattered of you in our home to trigger a memory.

Having the nurses and doctors dissipate and leave me alone with you as we rocked. I don't even know if you were still alive at that point.

You were so still. Your little hands were down. I wanted to shake you back to life so bad.

There's no worse sound I have ever heard than the silence coming from you in that moment.

Handing you to whomever I did for the very very very last time was indescribable.

Walking out of that hospital...

Going home...

Trying to eat...  Sleep...   talk...   breathe

Now I live my life without you. The silence you left behind is sometimes excruciating.

You, my firstborn ....will never be here again. Never.

You will always be missing. Always.

I will always have to struggle through questions about our kids.

You don't get to be the big sister I really wish you could be right now.

I don't know anything about you. What makes you cry or smile or laugh. I don't even know if you are ticklish or what color eyes you ended up having.

Sometimes my soul just hurts.

It's not bitter anymore, just overcome with sadness sometimes, that part of me is missing.

The gift of your little sister has helped awaken my soul again to joy and hope. Before her, death was all around me. I was walking through the valley of it. With her new precious little soul, life has begun to blossom. Where there once was darkness, there is a beam of light. We are so thankful for her.

She has helped my soul find some healing.

Her life. Her sweet heart.

Her ....noise.

...has helped my heart break away from the silence you left behind.

And one day, when life is not mine anymore, Jesus knows, your voice will be the first I will want to hear.

Monday, January 20, 2014

If she didn't....then we wouldn't...

Was having a conversation with my sweet hubby the other day. We were just playing with Blakely and commenting on sweet she was and how fun she was. A lot more work than we anticipated, worth it and so fun.
Our chats went back to big sis Greyson. hIw should we a year and half now and wow, our lives would be full, but wow how we wish she could be apart of our family here on earth.
We wonder what she knows of us and we hope Jesus and others are filling her in. We imagine her so excited all the time for when we finally get to be altogether. If I was her, I would be! Always curious, always waiting, always asking if today was the day...
We so wish things were different. So badly. But we also realize gods sovereignty in pain and timing and in His plan. We have moved past 98% of the questions and just enjoy the blessing of little Blakely.
We remember a few days after GReyson died in that June. Waking up to horrendous pain, and drought and 100' heat... Crying out to God for mercy to just make it through this one day...and HE spoke.
He told me that He was giving us another baby.
And specifically another baby girl.

 I told my husband first and my Mom next. We wept thinking this could never be possible and thinking how wonderful it would be. Full of doubt, but expectation.

AndI remember sitting at my 22 weeks Ultra Sound, with 4 months of convincing myself this was a boy, I would be happy and a girl would come later. I remember being jealous still of everyone having girls. We were in shock when she said "girl".

Yet,here we are. 1.5 years later from the time The Lord spoke HIS plan to my heart....with a heathy beautiful sweet baby girl who loves us and has brought us so much healing. SO much.

It's hard to imagine the "why's" anymore but I do sometimes wonder why BLakely is here and Greyson is not. When I come to that, I just simply stop and become thankful.

And as my hubs and I were chatting the other day, he said, "It's hard to believe it, but if Greyson WAS here,  Blakely would not be."

Made my heart a little sad. And thankful at the same time. Most people don't have to choose between children or just be "happy because they have something rather than nothing."

I would rather have both, but I know in time, I will...

Until then, we rejoice in everyday we get with our second baby girl and are so thankful God spoke blessing over our lives , even in tragedy. And we are thankful in the way He used lil GReyson's  two short days to show Himself to us and many others and how He has plans to continue to use her in the years to come.