June 13th, 2012.
My sweet baby was about 36 hours old when she stopped breathing.
Her and I had spent the night together, her on my chest like her first night out of my belly, and she was able to nurse on and off as she wanted. It was precious.
When I'd wake up throughout the night, there she was, so so so cute and squishy.
At around 6a, my Mom texted and asked if she could come watch Greyson so Hubs and I could get some much needed sleep. She got her and took her with her to read her Bible & swing with her on the front porch swing.
Around 8:30a, I was in the deepest of sleep, when my Mom comes running in, yelling my name to wake me up. I knew immediately something was wrong and immediately wanted to curl up and die. That would not be the last time that day.
She said, "Greyson isn't breathing!" My heart stopped. I didn't know what to do. I just felt her, she was cold and not moving. Just then, my sister ran in and began Infant CPR, something I knew, but couldn't possibly perform at that point. I screamed, "I don't know what to do!!!" And my Mom said to begin praying.
My husband woke up and called 911. The ambulance was there within 5 minutes. I got dressed and grabbed my water bottle and ran out and begged for them to let me go in the ambulance.
We went to a hospital about 10 minutes down the road, the whole time, I was begging the Lord to save my little baby. I kept looking back, wishing I was there holding her as she laid naked and oxygen was being pumped. I could not do a thing and I hated it.
We got to the E.R. and were ushered into a waiting chamber. I buried my head in my hands and just prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Such limbo. Family began to trinkle in. My husband arrived. My Dad, Our Pastors. Everyone praying and hoping for a miracle.
Sometime into it, a doctor came in, to tell us they were doing everything they could. No answers, no hope, just nothing. We eventually got to go in a see her. She was so tiny and little laying there. At one point, I was whispering into her ears that I loved her so much and wanted her to stay, but she could go to Jesus if she needed. She opened her eyes and looked at me and her Daddy at that point. The last time she would.
We left to get out of the way while they continued to work on her. But every time they revived her, she came back less responsive. Finally, about 1.5hrs in, the On-Call Doctor came in saying every parent's worst nightmare, "There's nothing we can do...". We had to then walk in to say good-bye.
When we arrived, they had a rocking chair all set-up for me. I sat down and held my baby and just stared at her, then at the wall, then at her.... I just rocked her in shock that this was it. I got 36hrs with her, after 9 long months of carrying her. This was it. I would never hear her cry again. I would never get to nurse her again, nothing. All our dreams from 9 months, from my life, gone.
I sat there in disbelief.
At 11:04a, they called it. Which pierced my soul to it's core.
I sat there, closing my eyes, starting to sob... And then Jesus showed up.. comforted me, gave me peace, asked me for my baby girl. I just sat there crying, but eventually ended up repeating, "Ok Jesus." over and over. I handed Him my lil Greyson, and watched Him walk away.
My Mom sat near me singing Amazing Grace...
I was hoping I'd be the next to go...no such luck.
I have to keep breathing. I have to hand my baby over to the Doctors, knowing I will never ever hold her again until I die. I have to walk out of this hospital. I have to live, somehow.
Leaving that hospital was the most painful things I have ever had to do.... but learning to live without my baby day in and day out, holiday after holiday, has proved just as hard.
I look back and see Jesus all over it. He was there the whole time, from her birth (and even before) to her death and even now. I have learned to trust Him and His Character more through this than ever before. I have walked through some pretty sad and some pretty angry days, He has never left me or turned His back. I am so thankful He has me. I am so thankful He has my lil Greyson until I get there.