Thursday, December 20, 2012

Wishing she was here with me

Today, I accidentally & quickly saw a picture of a baby girl who was born about 2 wks before Greyson.
It really didn't upset me at the time, but half of the day, I've been trying to figure out what Greyson would look like at 6 months and what we'd be  doing. I imagine getting her up from her nap, cuddling with her, playing with her, getting her all excited for when Daddy gets home, feeling all the joy that you are supposed to feel as a parent.

I am also bothered by all my friends who have had babies recently. Of course I am happy for them... but I am also jealous as they highlight all the milestones. We made it to one day old, people.

 One day. That is all we got.

I feel anxious for them. I'm just waiting for the text or call that says their baby stopped breathing. It's absolutely not because I want that happening to them, it's because I expect it because of what happened to us.

I feel jealous of all they are getting to experience. Their 9 month term has turned into something for them of a huge life-changing bundle of joy.  Mine, not even close.

Today, I was also at the store...and it was like alllll the mom's with their babies came out from hiding. I was just gagging on the inside. They would smile at me, and I was like... Um, yah, whatever. Smile at someone else. And they do. The other mom's.

It's so irritating how mean I feel towards them. They have no idea what I've gone through over here. I have no idea what they have gone through either.

 Nonetheless I still wanted to have Greyson with me, with her cute leggings and boots, I wanted to be pushing her and buying her lil baby food treats. Ugh.

Sometimes it just feels easier to stay home, stay offline, stay disconnected. Then you don't have to pretend to rejoice with others as their lives have "gone so perfectly". I sound terrible, right?

I just wish things had have turned out like they are turning out for everyone else around me. Yet, as I type that, I realize how stupid that sounds. Because I look around and clearly life is not a bed of roses for everyone...there is loss and tragedy and horrible things all the time and nobody's life is perfect. A least a couple dozen people come to mind who have lost babies, spouses, children, parents....

This verse came to mind as I said that....

"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies--so the living should take this to heart."  Ecc 7:2

As time goes on, I am drawn more to people who have experienced grief or loss. They are more real, more deep, honest, closer to Jesus, they see everything through a different lens, a lens that sees God in everything. Not everything has gone perfect. 

As I continue to think about that thought mentioned above, wishing for the same outcome for us....again I am convicted... I mean, Jesus has done soooo much for us in the last 6 months. Even though we lost our baby, He has done so much.  Given so much.

So so so so much.

I am without excuse to continue to praise Him while I think I see others who have more reason to.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  Job 1:21

I have learned to praise Jesus.... as He takes away.
I have learned to trust He takes away.
I have learned to thank He takes away.

My life is so full of blessings.

If we can't praise God during the times we think are bad, then God is just "Santa Claus" to us.

We want to climb on His lap, whisper to him all what we want, wait for it...... get it.

We take no account to the fact that He is wisdom. He knows what is the best possible route for our lives. He does nothing bad. He knows what will draw our hearts to His and draw others to Himself through us.

He wants to see how we will respond if we do not get what we are asking Him for; expecting; watching others get; assuming is rightfully ours; fits into our timeline.

Talking to myself.

"The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." Psalms 145:17

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Letters to my Lumpy

Another birthday "celebrated" without you here, my sweet lil baby. My lil Lumpy, as your Daddy called you in my belly.

I have thought about you all day, cried for you numerous times. I watched your after-birth video that is 2.5 minutes of sweetness of you, but death to my soul.

I should have you on my hip, doing everything with me today. You should be eating a tiny lil cupcake with a pink sparkly "G" on it.

6 months is a long time for a baby to be away from her mommy.

6 months is a long time for a mommy to be alone without her baby.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever heal.

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalms 13:2)

I love you more than words, Greyson. I never knew that I could love someone so much besides your Daddy. We talk about you all the time and wonder what life would have been like with you here.

 We would have been so excited to celebrate what we thought was going to be our first Christmas together as a lil family with you. I would have loved to shopped and got you some fun stuff and cool boxes to rip open. It would have been fun to buy you cute Christmas dresses and make you cute hairbows. Instead it's just us trying to get through it, we haven't even cared to finish decorating our tree.

The thing is, I know with all my heart you are actually being celebrated up in Heaven. I imagine you sitting on Jesus' lap, being bounced around and cuddled and kissed by Him and your Uncle's & Aunts (Drew & Leighanna especially.)  I know you are happy and full of joy and delight and probably cuter than words. You are in a place where the sun never sets, you never go hungry, cold or unloved. I love that thought. My soul finds rest in that thought alone.

(I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul.  Psalm 31:7)

I love you my lil hisperican. You were such a beautiful gift to me and I didn't even realize that to the fullest until you were gone.   (Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3)

 I'm living for my last day on Earth, where I can run into Jesus' arms and where you can finally run into mine.    

                        Your Mommy

 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God who saves me.
    All day long I put my hope in you.  -Psalms 25:5

Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
    all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
    Yes, I carried you before you were born. -
Isaiah 46:3

Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. -Psalms 116:7 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Swallowed up by Life

Today I was thinking about my sweet baby girl.

I was reliving the horrors at the E.R. on June 13th.

Reliving riding in the ambulance and burying my head in my hands for like an hour straight begging God to save our lil baby G.

Reliving getting to go stand by her side while all the doctors worked on her tiny lil 5lb body.

Remembering when she straight up looked at me and her daddy for the last time here on earth.

Remembering the nurse shutting her eye and feeling sooo mad. (That is my daughter and she is looking at me!)

I was whispering in her ear that I loved her more than anything, but that she could go to Jesus if she needed. That is why she looked at me, to let me know she heard.

Mostly, I was remembering holding her while she was still on life-support and right after she was taken off. It's all so fuzzy. I didn't know if I was holding a barely alive baby or a dead one.

 It was surreal.

I remember rocking her and kissing her and telling her I loved her.  I remember closing my eyes in shock and starting to cry finally. I remember Jesus being there and asking for her. It took me awhile, but I finally told him, Ok. I remember watching Him take her and walk away.  Worst moment of my life, yet best in a twisted way. To know if she is not with me, she is with Him. So comforting.

The thing sometimes I regret is not just holding her more. Kissing her, smelling her, touching her; even after I knew she was gone and with Jesus and the doctors called out "TOD, 11:04a".
But, I think it is all a mind-game, a puzzle, a place of trauma in my mind.... that I go back to to see if I myself could have changed things that day and not felt so completely sad now (holding her longer = not such an emptiness now)
Yah, doesn't work like that I'm sure.

I just miss her. With my whole heart. I rejoice she is with my Savior, but am deeply saddened she is not here with me, with us.

I just want to look at her; remember what she looked like without having to stare at a picture.
I just want to feel her squishy skin without closing my eyes and touching the glass of a frame or the screen of my laptop or phone.
I just want to hear her cry or see her smile or laugh.

Two days was just not enough.

But it obviously was just enough, or she'd still be here.

2 Samuel 22:29
"The Lord turns my darkness into light."

Isaiah 57:1
"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time.
  But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand
    that God is protecting them from the evil to come."

2 Corinthians 5:1-8
"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands... we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.

1 Cor 2:9 
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
    and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
    for those who love him.”
I know that my little GEM has been swallowed up by life, and she is at home with her Lord! That is the only thing that gives my heart joy sometimes. 
I am so thankful. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Fairness vs Righteousness

Tonight, a wave of jealousy came over me.

I was attempting to avoid the situation all together that I knew would cause that by aiming for ignorance.


I am all the sudden thrown into the only downward spiral of the fairness of life.... I look around... and I see what I want to see; what my envious heart needs to see in order to feed the envy. I forget all the other things... the blessings.

How can I say, "Wow, that is so so unfair" and "Thank you, Lord" at the same time? It's impossible.

I have heard of so much news today; bad & irritating, sad, good & great.

All in 1 day.

Life changes for so many people, so many friends.

 In just a few short hours, life can change so much, we are thrown into praise and joy or grief and sadness.... It's like a cycle. Too much of one could leave us forgetting God and too much of the other can leave us very vulnerable to sin.

In my life, looking back on a few huge milestones, I see that in just a few days, hours, moments, life is forever changed....

I remember being set free from a 5 year eating disorder in the span of 3 weeks.

 I remember living through a high- speed head-on collision with bad knee injuries, but my heart still beating.

I remember marrying my best friend after praying for a husband for years.

 I remember birthing my pretty lil baby on June 11th, thinking, "Wow, I can't believe she is mine!"

I remember having to say good-bye to her 2 days later in the E.R. wishing I was dying with her.

In all those life-changing days, I mostly remember GOD...

Who was there and is with me now. Who allowed miracles to happen and spoke comfort and joy to me throughout those days.... plus many more I can't even remember.

A few days ago, I read the verse, "The Lord is righteous in all He does." (Psalm 145:17) I was preparing for an emotional/irritating day the next day and was super thankful to have that verse to hang on to. I wouldn't have really liked that verse or even accepted it as truth until the very day I read it last week because I was still struggling with that issue.

But, I truly believe that and know know know that He is in control, knows exactly what He is doing and is righteous no matter what. I can't question Him, even though I want to sometimes or maybe not even question, just proclaim the unfairness I feel so strongly at times. (Why did they get a healthy baby and we did not?) (ETC.!!!!!) (Wait, that is a question! Blast!) 

If He is righteous in ALL He does, then, He is most certainly not missing a moment and k-n-o-w-s  everything that did happen, is happening and will happen.... and He... is.... Wisdom. ...and He is Righteousness.

So, now that I have been reminded of His righteousness in my heart of "unfairness", and just the tiny lil list of only the big miracles in my life, ( there are soooooooo many little miracles thru out the course of even 1 day!)  maybe I can sleep in a thankful heart towards Him who is before all things, and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17)  and I can praise Him for the huge blessings He has given my hubby and I this year, from start to finish. 

I have everything to be thankful for and my heart rejoices at the thought of being His daughter and Him listening to my cries for 5 months and answering us at each and every step and always knowing what was and is best!

Good grief.

It has taken literally 5 months to say some of those things out loud....and believe them.

Thank you for molding and softening my heart, Lord... so I can see who you really are in this mess.