Thursday, December 20, 2012

Wishing she was here with me

Today, I accidentally & quickly saw a picture of a baby girl who was born about 2 wks before Greyson.
It really didn't upset me at the time, but half of the day, I've been trying to figure out what Greyson would look like at 6 months and what we'd be  doing. I imagine getting her up from her nap, cuddling with her, playing with her, getting her all excited for when Daddy gets home, feeling all the joy that you are supposed to feel as a parent.

I am also bothered by all my friends who have had babies recently. Of course I am happy for them... but I am also jealous as they highlight all the milestones. We made it to one day old, people.

 One day. That is all we got.

I feel anxious for them. I'm just waiting for the text or call that says their baby stopped breathing. It's absolutely not because I want that happening to them, it's because I expect it because of what happened to us.

I feel jealous of all they are getting to experience. Their 9 month term has turned into something for them of a huge life-changing bundle of joy.  Mine, not even close.

Today, I was also at the store...and it was like alllll the mom's with their babies came out from hiding. I was just gagging on the inside. They would smile at me, and I was like... Um, yah, whatever. Smile at someone else. And they do. The other mom's.

It's so irritating how mean I feel towards them. They have no idea what I've gone through over here. I have no idea what they have gone through either.

 Nonetheless I still wanted to have Greyson with me, with her cute leggings and boots, I wanted to be pushing her and buying her lil baby food treats. Ugh.

Sometimes it just feels easier to stay home, stay offline, stay disconnected. Then you don't have to pretend to rejoice with others as their lives have "gone so perfectly". I sound terrible, right?

I just wish things had have turned out like they are turning out for everyone else around me. Yet, as I type that, I realize how stupid that sounds. Because I look around and clearly life is not a bed of roses for everyone...there is loss and tragedy and horrible things all the time and nobody's life is perfect. A least a couple dozen people come to mind who have lost babies, spouses, children, parents....

This verse came to mind as I said that....

"Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies--so the living should take this to heart."  Ecc 7:2

As time goes on, I am drawn more to people who have experienced grief or loss. They are more real, more deep, honest, closer to Jesus, they see everything through a different lens, a lens that sees God in everything. Not everything has gone perfect. 

As I continue to think about that thought mentioned above, wishing for the same outcome for us....again I am convicted... I mean, Jesus has done soooo much for us in the last 6 months. Even though we lost our baby, He has done so much.  Given so much.

So so so so much.

I am without excuse to continue to praise Him while I think I see others who have more reason to.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  Job 1:21

I have learned to praise Jesus.... as He takes away.
I have learned to trust He takes away.
I have learned to thank He takes away.

My life is so full of blessings.

If we can't praise God during the times we think are bad, then God is just "Santa Claus" to us.

We want to climb on His lap, whisper to him all what we want, wait for it...... get it.

We take no account to the fact that He is wisdom. He knows what is the best possible route for our lives. He does nothing bad. He knows what will draw our hearts to His and draw others to Himself through us.

He wants to see how we will respond if we do not get what we are asking Him for; expecting; watching others get; assuming is rightfully ours; fits into our timeline.

Talking to myself.

"The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." Psalms 145:17

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Letters to my Lumpy

Another birthday "celebrated" without you here, my sweet lil baby. My lil Lumpy, as your Daddy called you in my belly.

I have thought about you all day, cried for you numerous times. I watched your after-birth video that is 2.5 minutes of sweetness of you, but death to my soul.

I should have you on my hip, doing everything with me today. You should be eating a tiny lil cupcake with a pink sparkly "G" on it.

6 months is a long time for a baby to be away from her mommy.

6 months is a long time for a mommy to be alone without her baby.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever heal.

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalms 13:2)

I love you more than words, Greyson. I never knew that I could love someone so much besides your Daddy. We talk about you all the time and wonder what life would have been like with you here.

 We would have been so excited to celebrate what we thought was going to be our first Christmas together as a lil family with you. I would have loved to shopped and got you some fun stuff and cool boxes to rip open. It would have been fun to buy you cute Christmas dresses and make you cute hairbows. Instead it's just us trying to get through it, we haven't even cared to finish decorating our tree.

The thing is, I know with all my heart you are actually being celebrated up in Heaven. I imagine you sitting on Jesus' lap, being bounced around and cuddled and kissed by Him and your Uncle's & Aunts (Drew & Leighanna especially.)  I know you are happy and full of joy and delight and probably cuter than words. You are in a place where the sun never sets, you never go hungry, cold or unloved. I love that thought. My soul finds rest in that thought alone.

(I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul.  Psalm 31:7)

I love you my lil hisperican. You were such a beautiful gift to me and I didn't even realize that to the fullest until you were gone.   (Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3)

 I'm living for my last day on Earth, where I can run into Jesus' arms and where you can finally run into mine.    

                        Your Mommy

 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God who saves me.
    All day long I put my hope in you.  -Psalms 25:5

Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
    all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
    Yes, I carried you before you were born. -
Isaiah 46:3

Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. -Psalms 116:7 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Swallowed up by Life

Today I was thinking about my sweet baby girl.

I was reliving the horrors at the E.R. on June 13th.

Reliving riding in the ambulance and burying my head in my hands for like an hour straight begging God to save our lil baby G.

Reliving getting to go stand by her side while all the doctors worked on her tiny lil 5lb body.

Remembering when she straight up looked at me and her daddy for the last time here on earth.

Remembering the nurse shutting her eye and feeling sooo mad. (That is my daughter and she is looking at me!)

I was whispering in her ear that I loved her more than anything, but that she could go to Jesus if she needed. That is why she looked at me, to let me know she heard.

Mostly, I was remembering holding her while she was still on life-support and right after she was taken off. It's all so fuzzy. I didn't know if I was holding a barely alive baby or a dead one.

 It was surreal.

I remember rocking her and kissing her and telling her I loved her.  I remember closing my eyes in shock and starting to cry finally. I remember Jesus being there and asking for her. It took me awhile, but I finally told him, Ok. I remember watching Him take her and walk away.  Worst moment of my life, yet best in a twisted way. To know if she is not with me, she is with Him. So comforting.

The thing sometimes I regret is not just holding her more. Kissing her, smelling her, touching her; even after I knew she was gone and with Jesus and the doctors called out "TOD, 11:04a".
But, I think it is all a mind-game, a puzzle, a place of trauma in my mind.... that I go back to to see if I myself could have changed things that day and not felt so completely sad now (holding her longer = not such an emptiness now)
Yah, doesn't work like that I'm sure.

I just miss her. With my whole heart. I rejoice she is with my Savior, but am deeply saddened she is not here with me, with us.

I just want to look at her; remember what she looked like without having to stare at a picture.
I just want to feel her squishy skin without closing my eyes and touching the glass of a frame or the screen of my laptop or phone.
I just want to hear her cry or see her smile or laugh.

Two days was just not enough.

But it obviously was just enough, or she'd still be here.

2 Samuel 22:29
"The Lord turns my darkness into light."

Isaiah 57:1
"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time.
  But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand
    that God is protecting them from the evil to come."

2 Corinthians 5:1-8
"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands... we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.

1 Cor 2:9 
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
    and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
    for those who love him.”
I know that my little GEM has been swallowed up by life, and she is at home with her Lord! That is the only thing that gives my heart joy sometimes. 
I am so thankful. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Fairness vs Righteousness

Tonight, a wave of jealousy came over me.

I was attempting to avoid the situation all together that I knew would cause that by aiming for ignorance.


I am all the sudden thrown into the only downward spiral of the fairness of life.... I look around... and I see what I want to see; what my envious heart needs to see in order to feed the envy. I forget all the other things... the blessings.

How can I say, "Wow, that is so so unfair" and "Thank you, Lord" at the same time? It's impossible.

I have heard of so much news today; bad & irritating, sad, good & great.

All in 1 day.

Life changes for so many people, so many friends.

 In just a few short hours, life can change so much, we are thrown into praise and joy or grief and sadness.... It's like a cycle. Too much of one could leave us forgetting God and too much of the other can leave us very vulnerable to sin.

In my life, looking back on a few huge milestones, I see that in just a few days, hours, moments, life is forever changed....

I remember being set free from a 5 year eating disorder in the span of 3 weeks.

 I remember living through a high- speed head-on collision with bad knee injuries, but my heart still beating.

I remember marrying my best friend after praying for a husband for years.

 I remember birthing my pretty lil baby on June 11th, thinking, "Wow, I can't believe she is mine!"

I remember having to say good-bye to her 2 days later in the E.R. wishing I was dying with her.

In all those life-changing days, I mostly remember GOD...

Who was there and is with me now. Who allowed miracles to happen and spoke comfort and joy to me throughout those days.... plus many more I can't even remember.

A few days ago, I read the verse, "The Lord is righteous in all He does." (Psalm 145:17) I was preparing for an emotional/irritating day the next day and was super thankful to have that verse to hang on to. I wouldn't have really liked that verse or even accepted it as truth until the very day I read it last week because I was still struggling with that issue.

But, I truly believe that and know know know that He is in control, knows exactly what He is doing and is righteous no matter what. I can't question Him, even though I want to sometimes or maybe not even question, just proclaim the unfairness I feel so strongly at times. (Why did they get a healthy baby and we did not?) (ETC.!!!!!) (Wait, that is a question! Blast!) 

If He is righteous in ALL He does, then, He is most certainly not missing a moment and k-n-o-w-s  everything that did happen, is happening and will happen.... and He... is.... Wisdom. ...and He is Righteousness.

So, now that I have been reminded of His righteousness in my heart of "unfairness", and just the tiny lil list of only the big miracles in my life, ( there are soooooooo many little miracles thru out the course of even 1 day!)  maybe I can sleep in a thankful heart towards Him who is before all things, and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17)  and I can praise Him for the huge blessings He has given my hubby and I this year, from start to finish. 

I have everything to be thankful for and my heart rejoices at the thought of being His daughter and Him listening to my cries for 5 months and answering us at each and every step and always knowing what was and is best!

Good grief.

It has taken literally 5 months to say some of those things out loud....and believe them.

Thank you for molding and softening my heart, Lord... so I can see who you really are in this mess.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

not a GOD who wastes time

Something I have said to Adam so many times.... and God, too...

"Why was it necessary for me to carry lil Greyson for 9 long months only for her to live for only 2 very short days?" 

In my anger, I am like, "Waste of time!"

"Not worth it!"     "Why didn't we just miscarry if there was something wrong with her!?".

This morning, I woke up and God reminded me that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He is doing now.            He does not waste time.

Such a hard concept to grasp as I walk through life without my baby.

He does not waste time. He has a perfect plan for each and every thing that happens. He has miracles waiting for us within each day, if we seek them. He knew that Greyson wasn't going to live past 2 days, yet He saw fit that I carry her anyway, deliver her anyway, get to love her anyway, give her back to Him. I could have had to push a dead baby out. I could have never heard her cry or squeal, and yet He saw fit that I got to experience being a Mom for 2 short days to rebirth in me His purpose. Thank you, Jesus.
It's not a waste of time whatever we are going through. Though it feels like it times.

See, I thought I knew Him. I thought I knew who He was and how He worked, but I didn't. I don't.

I am having needing getting to sit down at His side and ask Him who He is in this huge messy tragedy. If I don't seek out His heart..... His character, I will get lost in the questions and anger. One of my friends who has lost a baby, too said that..."questioning God is sticky business".  I agree completely.

 I know my questions are valid to Him and as I ask with the right heart and sit and listen for answers, I find that He chooses to answer some. The others, like the ones mentioned above, I may never know.

Another question God asked me this morning before I even got out of bed was, "Can I find JOY and HOPE in prayers God answers in the midst of my heartbreak rather than being upset at the ones He chooses not to answer in my way or my time?

Good grief.

"I have taken you and placed you in this situation highlighting your NEED for me, where your strengths are irrelevant and your weaknesses are glaringly evident. Trust that through these hard times and the ones to come, I am accomplishing MY best work. Needing Me= knowing Me= greatest of all gifts." (Jesus) Sarah Young (paraphrased ish)

He is the Creator, I am the created. He demands I cease to be great in my own eyes and become small so He can become GREAT.

"It is not the well who need a doctor, but the sick." Matthew 9:12

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


Never before have I felt such a disconnect from the world and almost all people.

It's not because I don't connect with people, it's just that I carry around with me this overwhelming sense of sadness, grief, apathy, and distance-- that it's so hard to relate to anyone. That is why I say sometimes that I wish I was "normal" again. When I say that, the person hearing doesn't understand.
They see me, I smile, we talk, chat, have deep conversations about life and God, to them I am normal.
It's almost as if "nothing ever happened". One day I was pregnant, the next not, and the next not pregnant and also not with a baby.

To me, I am so beyond what I used to be, sometimes I can't even stand it. The way I view almost everything is so completely changed and almost foreign to me. I get easily frustrated with myself for being stand-off-ish or completely anti-social. Because I used to be friendly. At least, I think I did. I don't know.

I'm trying to survive, not thrive.  And I literally have nothing to say to people sometimes. I hate it when people come up to me and want to talk about life with this huge smile on their faces.
Please don't ask me how I am or who I am, or what I do. (this does not apply to friends p.s.) :)

Do I sound mad?

I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated that I am stuck in this spot while it feels like everyone else around me m.o.v.e.s.....o.n...  and it's not that my life is terrible, or that they shouldn't be moving forward in the plan God has for them. I'm learning to be thankful and content each and everyday while I trust the Lord through my suffering. I look ahead with gladness most times and can have fun more than I used to.

I am praying for a capacity to c.a.r.e again.
I am praying that even if people around me cannot or do not understand me, that God looks at me with approval of what Jesus is doing in my heart.
I am praying that I can suffer through Greyson's death gracefully and lovingly. Not in anger or bitterness.
I am praying that even though to me it seems I am just not fun to be around, that people see Jesus in me through every word, even the ones they don't understand.

The fact that the Lord chose me to grow a baby in my belly only to give her back to Him so so so quickly, so she could be with Him.... humbles me. He knew before I was born that was part of the plan that He had for me. He knew before Greyson was born, she only needed 36 hrs on earth to carry out every part of His will for her little life. To consider that God chose us to be her parents and chose us to suffer by losing her, to learn to walk in desperation and complete trust in Him as we grieve, to give us hope for each new day after losing her, leaves me in awe. I sometimes just stare at her pictures and just shake my head. It's so hard to understand, to step back and see from His perspective, to understand WHY a full 9 months and 36 hours was a necessary part of His plan and perfect will...

I am full of thankfulness to my Father. For allowing such a life-changing tragedy to draw my heart to His, my eyes to His, my thoughts to His, to show compassion on me in that way.
At first I was jealous of others who never had to go through something like this, then I became thankful, because I realize how God desires to use tragedy's/trials and people who walk through them with Him by their sides to shine His light to the world.

Just yesterday, a friend I got together with, texted me after saying how thankful she was for our friendship and how she felt so happy and encouraged after being with me. My jaw dropped naturally, because of all the feelings I mentioned above... then I thanked Jesus, that she can even see Him in me to feel that way after a 2 hour time of chatting over coffee. Because I sometimes walk away feeling more alone and misunderstood that ever, not because of anything she said or did, just .....because.
I am sure it's hard to identify with a person in my position, maybe?

Been considering the story of Saul, who became Paul.

15But the Lord said, “Go, for Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel. 16And I will show him how much he must suffer for my name’s sake.”
17So Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized. 19Afterward he ate some food and regained his strength.
Saul in Damascus and Jerusalem
Saul stayed with the believersd in Damascus for a few days. 20And immediately he began preaching about Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is indeed the Son of God!”
21All who heard him were amazed. “Isn’t this the same man who caused such devastation among Jesus’ followers in Jerusalem?” they asked. “And didn’t he come here to arrest them and take them in chains to the leading priests?”
22Saul’s preaching became more and more powerful, and the Jews in Damascus couldn’t refute his proofs that Jesus was indeed the Messiah

Saul was living one way, headed a direction he thought fit. God stopped him in his tracks, blinded him, spoke to him and gave him His Spirit, told him how much he would suffer and commissioned him out to preach. A complete 180'
Through losing Greyson, I have seen "something like scales" falling from my eyes. I see differently and think differently, ( even though I know I have attitude sometimes... :)  ) I pray my "preaching" (talking, meeting, attitude) becomes more and more powerful and people see Jesus more clearly in me (and my hubby) as we travel down this road toward healing.

I am slowly becoming truly thankful for the fact that God has us as "His chosen instruments." and that He has chosen us, period. :)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Dark Fields + Restored Souls

Today, my husband found a "new" picture of our baby on his phone. It was really just one we hadn't seen for a long time.
I took his phone and just stared at the picture for the longest time, studying her, her lil face and fingers and wishing sooooooooo desperately I could touch her skin, hold her close, feel how she felt in my arms.

I realized that my body literally aches for her.

I have never wanted to jump through a phone screen so bad in my life and disappear back into the 1 precious day we were blessed with her. I am so thankful I have eternity to look forward to. My arms fill so empty these days, and have ever since June 13th. I pray for the Lord to fill them.

I am so thankful the last memory I have of her alive and perfect was in my arms nursing her. She was born in the evening, so she slept on me both nights. The 2nd night, she nursed herself to sleep, and I was on night #4 of no sleep, so we both fell asleep in that position. She could wake up anytime she wanted a snack and I could doze in and out. I am so thankful for that last memory...

Today, my family and I served a meal at a Mission and an old boss of mine was there. I avoid people from the past like the plague. People from the past who don't know anything about my life and will ask questions, such as the dreaded, "Do you have any children?". The easy way out is to say "No", but my heart never lets me, so then I stand there, cannot hold back the tears and make the person feel so terrible for asking. Completely not my intention.
So, in case you were wondering....that happened.

It does bring up good points of conversation though... conversations about God, His perfect plan, His timing, and most importantly, eternity. I struggle through each conversation about my daughter with the hope that anything that comes out my mouth may bless them or plant a seed. I wonder how though, considering I am just a mess sometimes. I can't get through saying, "We had a baby girl in June, but she passed away". As those words flow out my mouth, my heart suddenly remembers how sad I am and out flow streams of tears. Ugh.

Today was the 3rd official Holiday without her, July 4th, Halloween and now, Thanksgiving. I have realized it's the "leading up to" that is the hardest, the actual day hasn't been so hard. The Lord is always so good to keep us enjoying the day and busy enjoying family, but I still think about her constantly and wonder what it would be like if she was here, as a cute little 5 month old.

I just want to get through Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and her Birthday & Heaven-day now. It's so tempting to wish these times away, but I know the Lord desires me to enjoy each day He gives and enjoy and praise Him for His presence. He knows these days will be excruciating, but He is able to give joy and hope.

I know the Lord answers out of the darkest spaces and fields. That is where He is with me right now.

.....Trying to teach me to find a way to simply enjoy the little things

....Trying to teach me to be thankful for everything and to understand this is just a season.

...Trying to teach me to lay down in green pastures and allow Him to restore my soul...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

5 months

It's now been 5 months to the day that I last held my sweet lil girl.
Five months since I kissed her, held her, smelled her, looked at her, enjoyed her. She was formed so perfectly and beautifully, I mourn the thought of not knowing her more, seeing how she would look at 5 months old and what her lil personality would be like.
The picture above is exactly how I feel almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day, I find myself in that position. The loss of my lil Greyson is sometimes so overwhelming.

I just want her here, in my arms.

I know she is with Jesus and is so full of joy and I am so thankful that because of Jesus, I can see her again. That, is the only thing that gives my heart hope or joy on days like today when all I can do is tell myself "No, don't go there"...when thinking about this day 5 months ago.

I think of my lil sister Leighanna who is probably taking care of here right now, that makes my heart so so joyful and thankful. I think about my other 6 siblings with Jesus, my old youth leader Donna, my sister's 4th baby, Greyson's great grandma, and my sweet friend Naomi...all whom I know are surrounding her right now and celebrating the fact that for 5 months she's been with Jesus... not "gone from me".

I have been considering aspects of the Lord's mercy and compassion more than ever in the last few days. He is telling me it is because of His mercy...and because of His compassion. So, I actually find myself more thankful to Him than ever. He is preparing for us something wonderful through our heartbreak. How can I not thank Him that even though this is the hardest, worst most traumatic thing I have ever gone through, He is having mercy on me...and He is showering us with compassion! He is drawing my heart closer to His, He is closing the gap, He is silencing the enemy who accuses, He is changing me and delighting in me. He is giving me more understanding of Himself and opening my ears to hear and my eyes to see ....HIM.

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek...that I may dwell in His House & gaze upon the beauty of Him." Ps 27:4

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Is 42:6

  I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.  
Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease. 
 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning. 
 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him. 
 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 
 For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations: 3:20-33 

Thank you, Lord for giving me such a sweet little squishy beautiful baby girl 5 months ago. Thank you for allowing us to be pregnant and carry her safely for 9 months and for a safe delivery. A lot of mother's never get even that. 
 Thank you for taking her to be with you and for what you are doing in my heart and my husbands heart and my family's heart as we grieve her. Thank you for your goodness and kindness and for your patience with me as I struggle day in and day out. Thank you for all your gifts. All of them.  

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Plain White Walls & Purpose

Struggling with numbness.
I feel like I could sit and stare at a plain white wall for hours & be fine with it.
I know I've got to get my act together.
But, there's so much pain surfacing.
And I don't care about a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
I want to.
I need to.
I need to fight this off, as usual.
I'm tired of fighting.
I long for joy, for laughing, for exciting things to look forward, for hope.

Today, as I deal with all these things, I also have stuff on my mind that I have found that I do care about. Things I am thankful for. So, why I want to be an empty soul, Jesus will not let me. Though I long to shut down fully, Jesus will not allow it.

So, He has put some fresh things on my mind:

Art- I am creative. How do I find that passion and use it.
Crafts/Books/Etsy Store. Anything?
Working out. Cooking.
Photography? Love it/Hate it.

Blah. All these things I enjoy, but am only starting to sort of think about caring about.
I wonder if I don't want to let myself enjoy anything and that's why I am stuck.
For fear I will find something.
Find value in my life again.
 Find purpose.
 My purpose was supposed to be her.
 I still want it. I still want her. Every minute.
I don't want to forget her, my Greyson Eliana, my lil GEM, my tiny lil dark 5 pounder, so squishy and squeaky.
 If I find a new purpose.... do I lose her?
I chose my purpose, but God has something else in mind for this time. Something better. (vomit)
Pray I grab a hold of His purpose and that I stop hating it.

Things, that on this sunny Florida morning, Jesus has opened my eyes to see and thank Him for:

*dreams from my hubby
*pillow mountains to block the too early daylight savings sunrise.
*birds that look like storks and jokes about bringing us another baby
*birds that sound like dinosaurs that my hubby chases down "trying to befriend"
*talks of a picnic lunch on the lake because he knows I've been down.
*morning hugs
*fresh milk from a generous "You first" husband
*fresh reminders from a God who cares about me & the dreams He has given me.
*soft chocolate chip cookies

Things on my mind this morning:

*second miracles (Mark 8/Matthew 15)
*America's ignorance & downfall
*packing up to go home for 8 weeks & all the Holidays
*excited to be around people more often
*dreading the dreariness of Indiana winter & being cold
*wondering where God is leading me
*working through true surrender and expecting nothing in return

Monday, November 5, 2012


Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Mercy

 "This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.  
 So he complained to the Lord about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people.  Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”
 The Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
 Then Jonah went out to the east side of the city and made a shelter to sit under as he waited to see what would happen to the city. And the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant.
But God also arranged for a worm! The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away.  
And as the sun grew hot, God arranged for a scorching east wind to blow on Jonah. The sun beat down on his head until he grew faint and wished to die. “Death is certainly better than living like this!” he exclaimed.
Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry because the plant died?”
“Yes,” Jonah retorted, “even angry enough to die!”
 Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly.  
 But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?"

Last week, the Lord really used this chapter to get a hold of my heart. My heart has been angry about losing my lil G. I have felt like she was mine and He had no right to take her. Needless to say, this has been the wrong attitude and will do nothing to help me move forward in the healing process.
Through this chapter, God is telling Jonah that he has no right basically to be angry. He gave him the plant, the plant came quickly and died quickly. I couldn't help but think of lil' Greyson. She came quickly and died quickly...but God created her, gave her to me as a GIFT. I did not earn her or deserve her or get her because she fit into my perfect little plan for life. So, therefore, do I really have a right to harbor anger towards Jesus in my heart?
  I know that this chapter is about an entirely different issue, but the Lord specifically took me to this chapter one day I was having a hard time. He wanted to remind me what is truly "unfair" and what my anger is creating in me. Through that revelation He has given, I have started to move forward in asking Him to remove my anger.

I'm always fightin'. I feel like the enemy is always creeping. Good thing the Lord promises to be near to the brokenhearted, because it feels like the enemy is always so close by, too. Prowling around, looking to devour me, but each and every time I have victory with Jesus, I know he moves further away. I have found Jesus to even be attracted to my weakness, because it shouts out for His power. Hard for me to understand. I have been disgusted by my weakness, I get tired of seeing it, feeling it, being trapped under it, etc. I even told someone the other day that I didn't even really like myself anymore. 
After reading this devotional, talking about Him liking my weaknesses, I felt Jesus tell me that He liked me. He was ok with all my shortcomings, they were opportunities to showcase His power and strength. He even showed me others who liked me.
Day after day, minute after minute, constantly fighting off emotions, feelings, gets so tiresome. I just would look at myself and be like, "Seriously?" 
The Lord is helping me work through this... Removing the only one who doesn't like me...
Reminding me that..."when His eyes are on this child, His grace abounds to me."

I even woke up today with a huge heaviness. Depression. 
Before I even started to open my eyes, I knew this day could go one way or another. I asked Jesus to speak...
He helped me wrap my head around this concept of not allowing my lame feelings overcome my overall thought on life in general or my relationship with Him. His words:
"So, you are going to allow this depression of what you do not have or do not see with your eyes alter your disposition and affect your outlook for life and for this day?"

Then I went on to have some quiet time and read this devotional:
"People tend to think their circumstances determine the quality of their lives. So they pour all their energy into trying to control those situations. They feel happy when things are going well, and sad when things are not as they hoped.They rarely question this correlation between their circumstance and feelings. Yet it is possible to be content in any and every situation. Put more energy into trusting me and enjoying my Presence...."  (Sarah Young)

"I have learned the secret of being content in each and every situation..." Phil 4:12
Became my prayer for today, to learn the secret of being content.

 One of the hardest part of losing my sweet lil girl is resting...and waiting...and trusting..and being content.
Knowing there is nothing I can do to bring her back, fill the overwhelming void where she should be. I can't replace her. For awhile I thought I could. Man, because I just miss her so much. And I deeply desire to be with her.
 But, there is nothing I can do on my own to "fix my little red wagon.". I have to rest and wait and trust.

"Be at rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been so good to you" Ps 116:7.

Stop fighting, my soul. Stop anxiously scurrying about. 

Please....Be at rest.


On Halloween, my hubs and I went over to our good friends house to make a birthday dinner (Adam's bday 11/1) and pass out candy to lil trick or treater's.

This couple is one of God's great gifts to us. We are seriously so thankful for them. Last night, we were even planning a great get-a-way as couples. :) 
Oh and p.s. if you were wondering, I was dressed up as an "Undercover Superhero/Office Nerd".
Did I work it?


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Eyes on ME.

In Matthew 14 & 15, there are so many gems to pick up and take hold of.

One is, after Jesus learned the news of His precious cousin and friend losing his life, He wanted to be alone to grieve. A huge crowd followed and Jesus had compassion on them, taught them, fed them, etc. After this, His next response was to get alone and.... pray.
I look at His heart during this sad time and wonder if I can say I am following in His example. I am anxious about a lot of things, worried about myself, sad and mad at times, can't even smile at others, don't even care about others, always considering my hard time the worst out of everyone who opens their mouths.... (Sometimes I even annoy myself)
Can I stop and see the other hurting people around me long enough to afford them a smile, a hug, a gift, a conversation? Do I get alone and pray, do I desire it?
I have seen myself change in both good and bad ways since losing lil G. But I do love to have sweet fellowship with Jesus, I love to hear Him speak hope and encouragement and joy to my broken heart, at times when I need it the most.
Like today, woke up so sad, feeling so hopeless... have prayed and cried and cried...
The best thing? Sitting in His Presence, waiting for Him to answer my cries...and He did, as He always does...Today, His response to me was:
"I am not bound by time or age or even numbers or days (Is 55:8- my ways are higher, etc), Stop doubting the words I have spoken, eyes on Me."
 His words help. They redirect, reposition my heart to surrender and worship and they renew. Renew my hope.
Yesterday I read the end of Matthew 15, today when I was talking to my Mom (crying as usual), she said, I read this today... I was surprised...because what I read yesterday did not mean as much to me today...for today's issues...and He wanted me to reread it. Relearn from it.
It's when Peter walks on water.
Jesus is doing this cool thing and Peter wants in, so Jesus says sure, come on in! Water's great! So Peter steps out looking at Jesus... then all the sudden begins to gaze so many huge waves and strong wind. BAM Sinking. Jesus calls Peter out on his tiny size faith and asks him why he was doubting? 
What I got from this as I reread it today was, I can "walk on water" as long as my eyes are on Jesus. I can do the unexpected, unbelievable, impossible. I can recover from losing my little girl. I can live and breathe and move and dream and hope.
The second I take one look around me, compare myself to others, look at their blessings, their seemingly easy happy lives, look at the sadness and the sometimes overwhelming bitter cup I am drinking, I am gone. I am literally drowning in my grossness.
This easy concept of "Eyes on Me"....not so easy.  That is why I got off Facebook, off Twitter, stopped talking to certain people either because of their attitude or because they were not pointing me to Jesus or because the reality of their lives was so completely opposite of mine, it would be unbearable until the time was better.
For the last week or two now, I have felt like the Lord has been asking me to "Stop hiding... Use the platform He has given, don't waste this time." Scary, because that means, seriously, I better learn this "Eyes on Me" thing before I even take one step off the boat.
Today, in some of my bad attitudes, I have asked, "What do you want from me,God, seriously? I don't understand.... " I mean, I just feel the spot I am in totally stinks. Thankfully He knows that, and even if He somehow forgot, He knows I'd remind Him. (haha)... But what He wants is surrender.  Surrendor of dreams, thoughts, plans, goals, even hopes. Surrender of expectations, anxiousness, bitterness, unfairness, anger, jealousy. So  MUCH to hand over to Him minute by minute.
He reminded me it's not about us. NOT ABOUT US.
He also reminded me to "keep my hands to the plow" as a good friend back at home in Indy had challenged me with before leaving for Florida.
I honestly don't know what He wants besides all that from me right now, I was more looking for some sort of direction or opportunity or some sort... but that is what I got and I am going with it. I still feel lost, but I know He is with me on this long journey.

A few verses the Lord led me to in my searching today ... (Notice how it is a song for pilgrims)

A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem. A psalm of Solomon.

Unless the Lord builds a house,
    the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
    guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
    from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
    for God gives rest to his loved ones.
Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
    are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
    He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

I was mostly convicted by the top 2 verses just saying UNLESS THE LORD...  Everything else is a waste....
And of course another reminder to me that children are a GIFT and a REWARD, not an entitlement like I had previously assumed. And we are asking God for a quiver full.

Then I read just above that chapter and these 2 lone verses were on the start of the page for ch 127...

Those who plant in tears
    will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
    but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Praying these things...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

"You will in Heaven..."

This will be short, but I had to post.

The past week has been full of ups and downs for me. The Lord has been dealing with so many crazy huge issues. I will definitely be writing more later. I heard the best sermon on Sunday about Prayer, and the best one last night on Jonah 4.

I LOVE how Jesus pursues us. Doesn't let us get stuck in our ruts, our tantrums, our grief.

Today, I began working at Girls Inc Sarasota. I was a homework Tutor for 3 hours. I met some pretty quality little girls. I have this *thing* for tiny lil Hispanic girls now (hmm, wonder why). So, I was able to help a bunch of them with all their math problems. I was definitely nervous, not about being there, but that'd I would have forgotten all my "knowledge" and just be like, "Oh, wow, I just don't know, let's skip to another..." Ha! But that didn't happen. It is such an amazing place, so many cool opportunities there.

As I was driving home, just an hour ago, I began to cry a little.... I was about to open my mouth and complain and whine to the Lord about not being able to see my tiny lil brown baby Greyson grow up, have a life, be somebody, be adorable, be loved on by her mom and dad, the list goes way way way on. I can't remember if I said it or just thought it, but all I heard back was...

"You will get to see Greyson grow up, Heaven."

So, I am pretty darn excited about that. Makes me not want to be here on Earth so much. However, I know the Lord has plans to prosper and give us a future while here on Earth. I pray I fulfill them, stay in His will, heal of my grief and anger and am always about His business until He calls me Home!!

This is super short for me.... but I am going on a hot date with my hot hubby! We are going to a delicious place called Daiquiri Deck where they have this really yummy blacked chicken salad! Then we are going to the beach with a blanket! So thankful... 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Why does every Ke$ha song sound the same?

Yay! Celebrating the fact that... I did not cry. First time in 12 straight days. Saturday, Sunday & Monday, I thought I was reliving June 13th all over again... I couldn't drive without crying or go on my walk without crying...I couldn't even think without crying.

 Didn't help that well-meaning people were coming up and hugging us at our church down here, or knowing I'd have to "face" certain girl friends down here for the first time. One came up to me at church and asked me how I was about 5x. I said I was fine.

She called my bluff, made me cry so much. She said she cried during the service for me, because in the immediate row behind us were 2 new young mom's feeding and laughing and whispering to their babies during service. I prayed to be deaf.

It has been good to be back in Sarasota. We have been so busy. I prayed for that, knowing I was coming here without a baby and without a job. I go almost non-stop. There is always something to do. Our friends have all wanted to plan things, which has kept us busy on the weekends and during the weeknights. We especially have loved reconnecting with some really truly great friends, a hubs and wife couple exactly our ages, we've already hung out with them numerous times and they are desperately trying to get us to buy a house right down the street from theirs.
Me. Lovin the neon yella bandana.

I have been meeting with 3 different ministries around Sarasota this week; a pregnancy center, a Senior living facility and Girl's Inc. Tried to cover all age groups. Lovin Girl's Inc the best. I start there on Monday. They actually offered me a job during the  summer months. Haha.

Today I went to the Senior's place, it's called Windsor Reflections.  They gave me a quick tour and wanted me to start asap. Which I was not prepared for. I had wore a skirt and had totally forgot I was there to lead "fitness" classes. But it turned out ok, because it was literally me just having to YELL, which I hate, to these cute old people while we watched an 80's video with a woman in a full bright red leotard do chair exercises. I think I am going to try it again, just do crafts or something with them. But after my last job, I kinda wanted to have a huge distance between myself and older people. (Bleh, think lots of gross stuff, then stop or you'll vomit)

Even today, apparently I (of course me) sat on a leather chair that a previous resident had peed on, it had dried and no one (I do not know why) had cleaned it up yet?? So, that was gross.  And seriously, why me?
The facility is brand spankin new, opened in July, so it's not gross.

Then a guy in his late 70's maybe named Bud Roughead came to do his chair exercises, but half way through he had to go "take a whiz" (Am I even spelling that right?) and after he came back, he announced to me that "He missed". I was like, thank you God Almighty that I am *not* required to clean that up. I am a volunteer, I get to watch and listen to all the horrors, instead of before, being Director of Everything Disgusting.

Tomorrow I am heading to the pool with a friend and her 2 little girls. At our Condo, we have 2 pools and 1 hot tub. I wish I could transfer everyone that I love to  We are so split in half between Indy and Florida.

Tonight we grilled out and Adam's made me watch the beginning of "Alien", gross and scary.

Finally our Condo is feeling like "home". I definitely cried the first night. I was scared of the 30 yr old rose flannel sheets on our bed. I took them off and covered the nasty blue couch with them so I could sit on it. Jesus us so nice to me, know what I needed in order to calm down and chill out, I was all prepped to go buy King Size Sheets on Sunday, when I looked in the closet and found brand new ones. They are the grossest orange color ever, but made me so happy. I put them on, not caring about the fact that they probably came from a bug infested factory in India and slept happily until the next day when I washed them. Adam puts up with me. He knows I am just hormonal and overly emotional. I asked him not to judge me about the couch situation, he did not. :)
Anyway, we have an awesome view of a huge lake and surprisingly, some privacy for being in the middle part of like 15 condo's. There is a YMCA right next door to us, I have been walking there and then walking on their nature path. So nice. It's been 85' almost everyday.
 Flowers from my hubs for our 2 year (gasp). We celebrated just a few days ago. Our beach wedding was so perfect. I am so thankful I got to marry him.

 The cutest footprints I have ever seen in the whole world. Someday, when I die, I will get to touch those lil toes again and kiss them. Wow, I cannot wait.  (sorry it's turned) (I cannot call myself a legit Photographer anymore because of this)

 Our Iphone reminder. As if we'd forget...

 My handsome hubby. We were playing around at a place in Orlando...

 Then we went to downtown Disney...
 One of my best friends, Jasmine. Love her. We spent the day at Magic Kingdom.

 Lil Mirabelle. People think she is mine.

 Hubs and I at the Hunsador Pumpkin Festival in Bradenton. We went with some good friends. The baby girl up there is one of theirs. Good times. Wished Lil G coulda been with us.

 TRUE life from the Mancilla Household. This picture cracked me up, because after 2 years of marriage, we have finally decided this is what actually has truly been happening. And all parties are ok with it!

I could've swore there was more I wanted to write about. I promise there will be a *deep* Spiritual one next time, but for now, that's all I got.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Happy Birthday to my Baby

I'd take a shot in the chest to have this moment back. Or to even have one moment cuddling with her today on her 4 month birthday, but really I'd take that every day. Every hour.
I stopped counting weeks of her birth and weeks since her death awhile back. Not because I made myself stop, but I just..forgot. Grace from Jesus? I don't know.

 I will not forget, however, the 11th of every month. It actually snuck up on this month. Last night, I was reading in Romans and reading a book on dealing with infant loss...and happened to look at the calendar. Boo.

But ya know, I am making it through. I have been alone most of the day, though my hubby works in our living room (so blessed & thankful I get to fix him breakfast and lunch each day, and sneak kisses and hugs whenever I want) but Jesus has been with me. I have felt His Spirit so strong within me and around me. I know He has me. He has us. He is holding Greyson until I get there.
I have heard from a few people, including my Mom, who have remembered her. I appreciate that so much. It so stinks to not be able to celebrate her today in the way every new Mom would want. I feel cheated. I feel envious of all the new Mom's out there getting to celebrate each week, each month, each milestone with their babies. They have nothing that should ever even come close to a complaint about how difficult it must be to learn how to be a new Mom.

I have cried a lot today. As I woke up, as I took a walk, a shower, as I'm typing this... Grief is hard consuming stuff. I'm over it. I wish I could grab the way I used to be, feel, live and just forget about all the pain and trauma... but I have to trudge through it, til I am out of of it.

Not over it, just out of it.

 I love how Jesus just knows. He knows what we need when we need it. He knows how to give good gifts, He knows how to distract us and help us refocus our attentions. I am praying that the Lord keeps me so occupied enjoying life that I do not dwell on the former things. I will never ever forget my lil G, but I can live in the day that God has made and given me and live it to the fullest. If I can find joy, cool. If I can find hope, cool.

I find joy in the fact that God has chose to adopt me as His precious daughter and He has done the same for baby Greyson. He is for me, not against me, He will cause everything to work together for GOOD. For His good.

Find rest my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him... (Ps 62:5)
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint...(Jer 31:25)

Can I do this...this grief thing...without complaining? A good question I was being asked this morning by Jesus. I read a devotional that spurred that thought from Him on...
Talking to Jesus as much as I want about the difficult path I am on tempers my thoughts and helps me see things from His perspective.
Talking with others sometimes about this path opens the door to deadly sins such as rage and self.pity.

I have seen it happen firsthand. I start talking. BAM. I literally have rage in my heart that if visible could explode out my ears, nose, mouth. I would vomit it up.
 Hey, maybe that would be easier and just get rid of it. HA!

My rage is like so hidden, even I don't know it's there sometimes. Then all the sudden with no warning, mostly when I am sharing my thoughts/life/heart with others....there it is.
Today, I listened to this hour long sermon as I walked, on.... Anger. Wow, so good. So good.
 I obviously am going to have anger to deal with for something like this.

Anyway, it creeps on me sometimes. I feel it in my clenched jaw as I cry or the stiffness of my body when I am thinking about certain things. I hate it. I hate that something so powerful is inside me. I began praying it away today. Praying that God would release me of my angry heart. I surrendered it, layed it down. There is simply nothing else I have felt like I could do. However, I realized that I can do a few things:

1. Control my tongue, power of life & death
2. Control my thoughts, take them captive

Every time I speak negatively about losing our baby, the anger creeps.
Every time I think about my friends who had babies this summer, the anger consumes.

As I feel tempted to grumble or become angry, I want to go to Jesus, talk it out, open up to Him and allow Him to put his thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart.  I have the power---with Jesus---to take my mind off one thing and to set it on something else!
I have the power---with Jesus---to be able to find things about my life that He has done or given that are GOOD right now, today.

Do I believe that I am complete in HIM??
That the One Thing I will ever need is the One Thing I can never lose.... His Presence.

He was with me from birth. He was with me when Greyson was born, He was there in the bedroom when my Mom brought her in not breathing, He was there at her little funeral and the terrible days after, He is with me today as I *try* to enjoy His presence and remember my baby girl is with Him celebrating... it's not what I'd chose, but it's what is best.

"Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
 To believe that there is nothing left to fear
 You alone are high above it all
 You, my God, are greater still..."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


It's sad that I only have one Member. Or "Creeper" as I changed it to.

So, we are officially in Florida.
I have officially cried everyday since arriving, except not today. Yet...
This transition is...bittersweet.
Most of my friends say they are jealous of us being down here.
Trust me, we'd give it ALL up. Every last drop of anything that made anybody jealous.
However, I do see their point. We are spoiled by our Creator, in giving us a flexible job that allows us the best of both worlds.

I have been learning to pray more. Praying more scripture as I read it. Learning to keep busy. Busier than usual. I have lists. I have goals. I am praying I keep my mind on things that are admirable, praiseworthy, pure and excellent.

It's so beautiful down here. We love it. We miss our baby girl. We wish she was here with us every minute.

Jesus is reminding me to pray for contentment and to fix my gaze directly ahead of me. I am asking for big things. I am praying in faith, knowing that "if He is willing..." Knowing He gives good gifts and everything He gives IS good no matter if I can see it that way or not.

I have been reading a chapter of Matthew a day. Lovin it...

So thankful for a few of my friends. The ones who encourage me to push further and keep trusting and keep walking.  I am praying I learn to become a more encouraging pointing my friends to Jesus friend...

Side Notes:
I saw a man vacuuming his driveway here in the Flo-rida...
I am obsessed with clean laundry still. Love having all my stuff clean all the time. (Hard to do when it is hot and I walk. I walk a lot. I sweat a lot)
I have been picking up dead cockroaches all day. We even found a dead one in our bed the first night here. Grody.
My hubs and I are walking to the beach every night. (1.5hr walk)
The fruit down here is kick booty. Seriously. Lovin the road side stands... Missed them all summer.
I got like 15 mosquito bites the second we crossed the border into Florida it seemed. Normally I only get bit at first...
Spent some time at Disney with a friend. Hubs couldn't go, had to work unexpectedly. (Two thumbs down people) We had a great time.
There are a lot of children and babies there. Probably not the place for me for awhile. We had grand plans of plowing people down there with my all the moms do... haha. But sad.

Tonight we are grilling out, hot tubbin and watchin a movie. Lovin the time with him at nights.
Thanking Jesus for him in my life.
We are lovin' Sarasota. Meeting up with a married couple this Saturday for dinner. We can't wait to see them.

So, this is a very random post.

I am thinking of making my blog private very soon. So, follow me so I can (?) I don't know how it works.... STILL....
 I and my hubs don't like the idea of anybody who's anybody just googling my name and finding all this info...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Somehow this week, the Lord has really been impressing upon my heart this idea of submission.

I'd like to think I have come a long way from Wednesday through today, as I have struggled with my anger, rage, bitterness, sorrow, etc.

I am asking the Lord to help me stop asking Him "Why?". At least a couple handfuls of times a week, I find myself pouting to Him with that simple question. One night this week, I was cleaning a Foodbank, mopping the floor and that question just began spilling out of me. Another night, I was helping someone move, I heard a boy say just the word, "Mom"...and from there, I just became angry and asked the Lord, "Why me?" again...

For some reason I think I deserve something better than the hand I've been dealt. Why? Is it because I look around and compare myself to others, even other believers? I see them and wonder why I am not "the favorite" or wonder what I did to get what I got. I say it's unfair.

I remember about 6 weeks after losing lil G, I woke up in a rage type attitude towards the Lord. I was accusing and whining and crying and blaming and asking... asking W-H-Y? After I asked all my why's and told Jesus what He chose for me was 500% not fair, Jesus began to whisper back all the things that were in fact unfair about my life compared to others.

He listed all my blessings. Even the blessings I still can't believe are blessings. He said, Myssi, it's "unfair" you are saved, "unfair" you have a loving sweet godly man for a husband who would do anything for you, who works hard and adores you, it's "unfair" you have a Christian family who has done nothing but minister to you this summer, it's "unfair" you survived labor and got to hold and feed your baby and hear her sweet cry's. Even for just 36 hours.

The list goes on.

I have an unthankful heart because I expect my life to be exactly what I want. When even one thing is off, I get mad. I blame God. It's not that I forget Him in the good times, it's just that the good times are all I care to praise Him for.

Job: shall we accept good from God and not trouble? 
Solomon: Accept the way God does things, who can straighten what He has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Paul: I have learned in whatever circumstance to be content.

Jesus: Not my will, Lord, but yours be done.

This is such a strange concept for me (a human), to be thankful truly thankful for each and every thing, whether good or bad. And who is to say what is truly "good" or "bad"? We don't see what the Lord see's.

 I want to. I pray to.

So, basically I have arrived at this new place in my heart. Saying out loud, "Lord, I submit myself to your will..." as often as it takes until it is true. As often as I find myself reliving the birth and death of our baby girl, as often as I see others who "have what I want".... until my will is lined up with His and I accept it a gift....with thankfulness... and joy.

Friday, September 7, 2012

A lesson from Colossians

Today, as I have been doing stuff, I have been listening to the book of Colossians on repeat. Good grief, this book is really challenging. It's spot on with almost everything I am struggling with right now...

Col 1

...We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. 

Endurance----Patience... 2 things I am needing so badly. I realized the other day that half of the time this summer that I have been dealing with grief, I have been trying to wish my circumstances away. I long to be the person who gets to go out and buy a card and sign it, stamp it and mail it... or the one who makes a meal and brings it by... not the one who has to deal with the loss and sorrow and anger. The Lord has showed me that I can't wish it away, but I can pray for healing and endurance and patience. I can submit myself to His plan and walk in this path He has laid out for me and even bear fruit.

....May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.  
...and you will overflow with thankfulness
...So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within is the time to get rid of anger, rage...

I told my Mom the other day, as I was struggling with some huge anger issues that have sprang up this week, that I felt like God owed me something. "Took my baby? Now give me something to make up for it". Dumb.  As I have started to deal with my bitterness this week, the Lord has replaced some of those feelings with some peace, some contentment and hope to keep going and see what the Lord has in store. I don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a sense of entitlement. 
I have been challenged to try trrrrrrrryyyyyyyy to simply enjoy what the Lord has done. Enjoy the (extra) time with my hubs that we weren't expecting, enjoy trying to find a "purpose", enjoy ministry, enjoy family....being filled with joy, always thanking the Father.

...He has enabled you to share in the inheritance ...For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness ...who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.
It's sometimes been so difficult to find things to be thankful and grateful for this summer, but just that verse above has convicted me today. Simply having salvation, knowing Jesus, being chosen to be His daughter...should be enough for me to be thankful about, giving me hope to move on, out of bitterness. Also just being reminded of how Jesus purchased my freedom gives me the nudge I need to not give up in working through this suffering of mine, since Jesus went over and above and beyond anything I could even imagine to have me with Him in Paradise.
I get so caught up... ugh.

 ...I am telling you this so no one will deceive you with well-crafted arguments.

I was talking with a very good friend last night who reminded me that although the ways I am feeling is normal, it is only the enemy who wants to keep me stuck in these very human emotions. My self and the enemy are very good at deception, talking me into things that "make sense" "feel right" etc when it comes to handling all these emotions and feelings from losing lil Greyson. I am not expected not to feel certain ways, but to handle those feelings in a godly way and maybe even quickly?

...bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

...Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. I also pray that I have more grace in this continuing situation, too.

Sooooo, if you haven't read Colossians in it. There's way more in there. I have really been challenged, convicted and hopefully changed by meditating on these verses.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father

Now, on a few lighter notes:

*This week I celebrated losing all but 2 pounds from Greyson! That means, I lost about 40 pounds in 12 weeks. Not bad. Thanking Jesus for helping me get that off quickly. Hoping to lose 5-7 more this month, we'll see. I've done it by drinking high protein smoothies for breakfast/lunch and eating mostly fresh foods (like 90%) plus walking/swimming.

*Adam & I are helping with a Youth Retreat coming up. :)

*We are also working on beginning a Young Couples Small Group in November. We're pretty excited about leading this.

Here's a new hat I got for $4 today....
(It looks like I have an attitude, and I might, but not really. Ha.)

And, that's a wrap....