Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Swallowed up by Life

Today I was thinking about my sweet baby girl.

I was reliving the horrors at the E.R. on June 13th.

Reliving riding in the ambulance and burying my head in my hands for like an hour straight begging God to save our lil baby G.

Reliving getting to go stand by her side while all the doctors worked on her tiny lil 5lb body.

Remembering when she straight up looked at me and her daddy for the last time here on earth.

Remembering the nurse shutting her eye and feeling sooo mad. (That is my daughter and she is looking at me!)

I was whispering in her ear that I loved her more than anything, but that she could go to Jesus if she needed. That is why she looked at me, to let me know she heard.

Mostly, I was remembering holding her while she was still on life-support and right after she was taken off. It's all so fuzzy. I didn't know if I was holding a barely alive baby or a dead one.

 It was surreal.

I remember rocking her and kissing her and telling her I loved her.  I remember closing my eyes in shock and starting to cry finally. I remember Jesus being there and asking for her. It took me awhile, but I finally told him, Ok. I remember watching Him take her and walk away.  Worst moment of my life, yet best in a twisted way. To know if she is not with me, she is with Him. So comforting.

The thing sometimes I regret is not just holding her more. Kissing her, smelling her, touching her; even after I knew she was gone and with Jesus and the doctors called out "TOD, 11:04a".
But, I think it is all a mind-game, a puzzle, a place of trauma in my mind.... that I go back to to see if I myself could have changed things that day and not felt so completely sad now (holding her longer = not such an emptiness now)
Yah, doesn't work like that I'm sure.

I just miss her. With my whole heart. I rejoice she is with my Savior, but am deeply saddened she is not here with me, with us.

I just want to look at her; remember what she looked like without having to stare at a picture.
I just want to feel her squishy skin without closing my eyes and touching the glass of a frame or the screen of my laptop or phone.
I just want to hear her cry or see her smile or laugh.

Two days was just not enough.

But it obviously was just enough, or she'd still be here.

2 Samuel 22:29
"The Lord turns my darkness into light."

Isaiah 57:1
"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time.
  But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand
    that God is protecting them from the evil to come."

2 Corinthians 5:1-8
"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands... we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.

1 Cor 2:9 
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
    and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
    for those who love him.”
I know that my little GEM has been swallowed up by life, and she is at home with her Lord! That is the only thing that gives my heart joy sometimes. 
I am so thankful. 

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