Thursday, November 29, 2012

not a GOD who wastes time

Something I have said to Adam so many times.... and God, too...

"Why was it necessary for me to carry lil Greyson for 9 long months only for her to live for only 2 very short days?" 

In my anger, I am like, "Waste of time!"

"Not worth it!"     "Why didn't we just miscarry if there was something wrong with her!?".

This morning, I woke up and God reminded me that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He is doing now.            He does not waste time.

Such a hard concept to grasp as I walk through life without my baby.

He does not waste time. He has a perfect plan for each and every thing that happens. He has miracles waiting for us within each day, if we seek them. He knew that Greyson wasn't going to live past 2 days, yet He saw fit that I carry her anyway, deliver her anyway, get to love her anyway, give her back to Him. I could have had to push a dead baby out. I could have never heard her cry or squeal, and yet He saw fit that I got to experience being a Mom for 2 short days to rebirth in me His purpose. Thank you, Jesus.
It's not a waste of time whatever we are going through. Though it feels like it times.

See, I thought I knew Him. I thought I knew who He was and how He worked, but I didn't. I don't.

I am having needing getting to sit down at His side and ask Him who He is in this huge messy tragedy. If I don't seek out His heart..... His character, I will get lost in the questions and anger. One of my friends who has lost a baby, too said that..."questioning God is sticky business".  I agree completely.

 I know my questions are valid to Him and as I ask with the right heart and sit and listen for answers, I find that He chooses to answer some. The others, like the ones mentioned above, I may never know.

Another question God asked me this morning before I even got out of bed was, "Can I find JOY and HOPE in prayers God answers in the midst of my heartbreak rather than being upset at the ones He chooses not to answer in my way or my time?

Good grief.

"I have taken you and placed you in this situation highlighting your NEED for me, where your strengths are irrelevant and your weaknesses are glaringly evident. Trust that through these hard times and the ones to come, I am accomplishing MY best work. Needing Me= knowing Me= greatest of all gifts." (Jesus) Sarah Young (paraphrased ish)

He is the Creator, I am the created. He demands I cease to be great in my own eyes and become small so He can become GREAT.

"It is not the well who need a doctor, but the sick." Matthew 9:12

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


Never before have I felt such a disconnect from the world and almost all people.

It's not because I don't connect with people, it's just that I carry around with me this overwhelming sense of sadness, grief, apathy, and distance-- that it's so hard to relate to anyone. That is why I say sometimes that I wish I was "normal" again. When I say that, the person hearing doesn't understand.
They see me, I smile, we talk, chat, have deep conversations about life and God, to them I am normal.
It's almost as if "nothing ever happened". One day I was pregnant, the next not, and the next not pregnant and also not with a baby.

To me, I am so beyond what I used to be, sometimes I can't even stand it. The way I view almost everything is so completely changed and almost foreign to me. I get easily frustrated with myself for being stand-off-ish or completely anti-social. Because I used to be friendly. At least, I think I did. I don't know.

I'm trying to survive, not thrive.  And I literally have nothing to say to people sometimes. I hate it when people come up to me and want to talk about life with this huge smile on their faces.
Please don't ask me how I am or who I am, or what I do. (this does not apply to friends p.s.) :)

Do I sound mad?

I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated that I am stuck in this spot while it feels like everyone else around me m.o.v.e.s.....o.n...  and it's not that my life is terrible, or that they shouldn't be moving forward in the plan God has for them. I'm learning to be thankful and content each and everyday while I trust the Lord through my suffering. I look ahead with gladness most times and can have fun more than I used to.

I am praying for a capacity to c.a.r.e again.
I am praying that even if people around me cannot or do not understand me, that God looks at me with approval of what Jesus is doing in my heart.
I am praying that I can suffer through Greyson's death gracefully and lovingly. Not in anger or bitterness.
I am praying that even though to me it seems I am just not fun to be around, that people see Jesus in me through every word, even the ones they don't understand.

The fact that the Lord chose me to grow a baby in my belly only to give her back to Him so so so quickly, so she could be with Him.... humbles me. He knew before I was born that was part of the plan that He had for me. He knew before Greyson was born, she only needed 36 hrs on earth to carry out every part of His will for her little life. To consider that God chose us to be her parents and chose us to suffer by losing her, to learn to walk in desperation and complete trust in Him as we grieve, to give us hope for each new day after losing her, leaves me in awe. I sometimes just stare at her pictures and just shake my head. It's so hard to understand, to step back and see from His perspective, to understand WHY a full 9 months and 36 hours was a necessary part of His plan and perfect will...

I am full of thankfulness to my Father. For allowing such a life-changing tragedy to draw my heart to His, my eyes to His, my thoughts to His, to show compassion on me in that way.
At first I was jealous of others who never had to go through something like this, then I became thankful, because I realize how God desires to use tragedy's/trials and people who walk through them with Him by their sides to shine His light to the world.

Just yesterday, a friend I got together with, texted me after saying how thankful she was for our friendship and how she felt so happy and encouraged after being with me. My jaw dropped naturally, because of all the feelings I mentioned above... then I thanked Jesus, that she can even see Him in me to feel that way after a 2 hour time of chatting over coffee. Because I sometimes walk away feeling more alone and misunderstood that ever, not because of anything she said or did, just .....because.
I am sure it's hard to identify with a person in my position, maybe?

Been considering the story of Saul, who became Paul.

15But the Lord said, “Go, for Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel. 16And I will show him how much he must suffer for my name’s sake.”
17So Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized. 19Afterward he ate some food and regained his strength.
Saul in Damascus and Jerusalem
Saul stayed with the believersd in Damascus for a few days. 20And immediately he began preaching about Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is indeed the Son of God!”
21All who heard him were amazed. “Isn’t this the same man who caused such devastation among Jesus’ followers in Jerusalem?” they asked. “And didn’t he come here to arrest them and take them in chains to the leading priests?”
22Saul’s preaching became more and more powerful, and the Jews in Damascus couldn’t refute his proofs that Jesus was indeed the Messiah

Saul was living one way, headed a direction he thought fit. God stopped him in his tracks, blinded him, spoke to him and gave him His Spirit, told him how much he would suffer and commissioned him out to preach. A complete 180'
Through losing Greyson, I have seen "something like scales" falling from my eyes. I see differently and think differently, ( even though I know I have attitude sometimes... :)  ) I pray my "preaching" (talking, meeting, attitude) becomes more and more powerful and people see Jesus more clearly in me (and my hubby) as we travel down this road toward healing.

I am slowly becoming truly thankful for the fact that God has us as "His chosen instruments." and that He has chosen us, period. :)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Dark Fields + Restored Souls

Today, my husband found a "new" picture of our baby on his phone. It was really just one we hadn't seen for a long time.
I took his phone and just stared at the picture for the longest time, studying her, her lil face and fingers and wishing sooooooooo desperately I could touch her skin, hold her close, feel how she felt in my arms.

I realized that my body literally aches for her.

I have never wanted to jump through a phone screen so bad in my life and disappear back into the 1 precious day we were blessed with her. I am so thankful I have eternity to look forward to. My arms fill so empty these days, and have ever since June 13th. I pray for the Lord to fill them.

I am so thankful the last memory I have of her alive and perfect was in my arms nursing her. She was born in the evening, so she slept on me both nights. The 2nd night, she nursed herself to sleep, and I was on night #4 of no sleep, so we both fell asleep in that position. She could wake up anytime she wanted a snack and I could doze in and out. I am so thankful for that last memory...

Today, my family and I served a meal at a Mission and an old boss of mine was there. I avoid people from the past like the plague. People from the past who don't know anything about my life and will ask questions, such as the dreaded, "Do you have any children?". The easy way out is to say "No", but my heart never lets me, so then I stand there, cannot hold back the tears and make the person feel so terrible for asking. Completely not my intention.
So, in case you were wondering....that happened.

It does bring up good points of conversation though... conversations about God, His perfect plan, His timing, and most importantly, eternity. I struggle through each conversation about my daughter with the hope that anything that comes out my mouth may bless them or plant a seed. I wonder how though, considering I am just a mess sometimes. I can't get through saying, "We had a baby girl in June, but she passed away". As those words flow out my mouth, my heart suddenly remembers how sad I am and out flow streams of tears. Ugh.

Today was the 3rd official Holiday without her, July 4th, Halloween and now, Thanksgiving. I have realized it's the "leading up to" that is the hardest, the actual day hasn't been so hard. The Lord is always so good to keep us enjoying the day and busy enjoying family, but I still think about her constantly and wonder what it would be like if she was here, as a cute little 5 month old.

I just want to get through Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and her Birthday & Heaven-day now. It's so tempting to wish these times away, but I know the Lord desires me to enjoy each day He gives and enjoy and praise Him for His presence. He knows these days will be excruciating, but He is able to give joy and hope.

I know the Lord answers out of the darkest spaces and fields. That is where He is with me right now.

.....Trying to teach me to find a way to simply enjoy the little things

....Trying to teach me to be thankful for everything and to understand this is just a season.

...Trying to teach me to lay down in green pastures and allow Him to restore my soul...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

5 months

It's now been 5 months to the day that I last held my sweet lil girl.
Five months since I kissed her, held her, smelled her, looked at her, enjoyed her. She was formed so perfectly and beautifully, I mourn the thought of not knowing her more, seeing how she would look at 5 months old and what her lil personality would be like.
The picture above is exactly how I feel almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day, I find myself in that position. The loss of my lil Greyson is sometimes so overwhelming.

I just want her here, in my arms.

I know she is with Jesus and is so full of joy and I am so thankful that because of Jesus, I can see her again. That, is the only thing that gives my heart hope or joy on days like today when all I can do is tell myself "No, don't go there"...when thinking about this day 5 months ago.

I think of my lil sister Leighanna who is probably taking care of here right now, that makes my heart so so joyful and thankful. I think about my other 6 siblings with Jesus, my old youth leader Donna, my sister's 4th baby, Greyson's great grandma, and my sweet friend Naomi...all whom I know are surrounding her right now and celebrating the fact that for 5 months she's been with Jesus... not "gone from me".

I have been considering aspects of the Lord's mercy and compassion more than ever in the last few days. He is telling me it is because of His mercy...and because of His compassion. So, I actually find myself more thankful to Him than ever. He is preparing for us something wonderful through our heartbreak. How can I not thank Him that even though this is the hardest, worst most traumatic thing I have ever gone through, He is having mercy on me...and He is showering us with compassion! He is drawing my heart closer to His, He is closing the gap, He is silencing the enemy who accuses, He is changing me and delighting in me. He is giving me more understanding of Himself and opening my ears to hear and my eyes to see ....HIM.

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek...that I may dwell in His House & gaze upon the beauty of Him." Ps 27:4

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Is 42:6

  I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.  
Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease. 
 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning. 
 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him. 
 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 
 For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations: 3:20-33 

Thank you, Lord for giving me such a sweet little squishy beautiful baby girl 5 months ago. Thank you for allowing us to be pregnant and carry her safely for 9 months and for a safe delivery. A lot of mother's never get even that. 
 Thank you for taking her to be with you and for what you are doing in my heart and my husbands heart and my family's heart as we grieve her. Thank you for your goodness and kindness and for your patience with me as I struggle day in and day out. Thank you for all your gifts. All of them.  

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Plain White Walls & Purpose

Struggling with numbness.
I feel like I could sit and stare at a plain white wall for hours & be fine with it.
I know I've got to get my act together.
But, there's so much pain surfacing.
And I don't care about a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
I want to.
I need to.
I need to fight this off, as usual.
I'm tired of fighting.
I long for joy, for laughing, for exciting things to look forward, for hope.

Today, as I deal with all these things, I also have stuff on my mind that I have found that I do care about. Things I am thankful for. So, why I want to be an empty soul, Jesus will not let me. Though I long to shut down fully, Jesus will not allow it.

So, He has put some fresh things on my mind:

Art- I am creative. How do I find that passion and use it.
Crafts/Books/Etsy Store. Anything?
Working out. Cooking.
Photography? Love it/Hate it.

Blah. All these things I enjoy, but am only starting to sort of think about caring about.
I wonder if I don't want to let myself enjoy anything and that's why I am stuck.
For fear I will find something.
Find value in my life again.
 Find purpose.
 My purpose was supposed to be her.
 I still want it. I still want her. Every minute.
I don't want to forget her, my Greyson Eliana, my lil GEM, my tiny lil dark 5 pounder, so squishy and squeaky.
 If I find a new purpose.... do I lose her?
I chose my purpose, but God has something else in mind for this time. Something better. (vomit)
Pray I grab a hold of His purpose and that I stop hating it.

Things, that on this sunny Florida morning, Jesus has opened my eyes to see and thank Him for:

*dreams from my hubby
*pillow mountains to block the too early daylight savings sunrise.
*birds that look like storks and jokes about bringing us another baby
*birds that sound like dinosaurs that my hubby chases down "trying to befriend"
*talks of a picnic lunch on the lake because he knows I've been down.
*morning hugs
*fresh milk from a generous "You first" husband
*fresh reminders from a God who cares about me & the dreams He has given me.
*soft chocolate chip cookies

Things on my mind this morning:

*second miracles (Mark 8/Matthew 15)
*America's ignorance & downfall
*packing up to go home for 8 weeks & all the Holidays
*excited to be around people more often
*dreading the dreariness of Indiana winter & being cold
*wondering where God is leading me
*working through true surrender and expecting nothing in return

Monday, November 5, 2012


Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Mercy

 "This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.  
 So he complained to the Lord about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people.  Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”
 The Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
 Then Jonah went out to the east side of the city and made a shelter to sit under as he waited to see what would happen to the city. And the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant.
But God also arranged for a worm! The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away.  
And as the sun grew hot, God arranged for a scorching east wind to blow on Jonah. The sun beat down on his head until he grew faint and wished to die. “Death is certainly better than living like this!” he exclaimed.
Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry because the plant died?”
“Yes,” Jonah retorted, “even angry enough to die!”
 Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly.  
 But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?"

Last week, the Lord really used this chapter to get a hold of my heart. My heart has been angry about losing my lil G. I have felt like she was mine and He had no right to take her. Needless to say, this has been the wrong attitude and will do nothing to help me move forward in the healing process.
Through this chapter, God is telling Jonah that he has no right basically to be angry. He gave him the plant, the plant came quickly and died quickly. I couldn't help but think of lil' Greyson. She came quickly and died quickly...but God created her, gave her to me as a GIFT. I did not earn her or deserve her or get her because she fit into my perfect little plan for life. So, therefore, do I really have a right to harbor anger towards Jesus in my heart?
  I know that this chapter is about an entirely different issue, but the Lord specifically took me to this chapter one day I was having a hard time. He wanted to remind me what is truly "unfair" and what my anger is creating in me. Through that revelation He has given, I have started to move forward in asking Him to remove my anger.

I'm always fightin'. I feel like the enemy is always creeping. Good thing the Lord promises to be near to the brokenhearted, because it feels like the enemy is always so close by, too. Prowling around, looking to devour me, but each and every time I have victory with Jesus, I know he moves further away. I have found Jesus to even be attracted to my weakness, because it shouts out for His power. Hard for me to understand. I have been disgusted by my weakness, I get tired of seeing it, feeling it, being trapped under it, etc. I even told someone the other day that I didn't even really like myself anymore. 
After reading this devotional, talking about Him liking my weaknesses, I felt Jesus tell me that He liked me. He was ok with all my shortcomings, they were opportunities to showcase His power and strength. He even showed me others who liked me.
Day after day, minute after minute, constantly fighting off emotions, feelings, gets so tiresome. I just would look at myself and be like, "Seriously?" 
The Lord is helping me work through this... Removing the only one who doesn't like me...
Reminding me that..."when His eyes are on this child, His grace abounds to me."

I even woke up today with a huge heaviness. Depression. 
Before I even started to open my eyes, I knew this day could go one way or another. I asked Jesus to speak...
He helped me wrap my head around this concept of not allowing my lame feelings overcome my overall thought on life in general or my relationship with Him. His words:
"So, you are going to allow this depression of what you do not have or do not see with your eyes alter your disposition and affect your outlook for life and for this day?"

Then I went on to have some quiet time and read this devotional:
"People tend to think their circumstances determine the quality of their lives. So they pour all their energy into trying to control those situations. They feel happy when things are going well, and sad when things are not as they hoped.They rarely question this correlation between their circumstance and feelings. Yet it is possible to be content in any and every situation. Put more energy into trusting me and enjoying my Presence...."  (Sarah Young)

"I have learned the secret of being content in each and every situation..." Phil 4:12
Became my prayer for today, to learn the secret of being content.

 One of the hardest part of losing my sweet lil girl is resting...and waiting...and trusting..and being content.
Knowing there is nothing I can do to bring her back, fill the overwhelming void where she should be. I can't replace her. For awhile I thought I could. Man, because I just miss her so much. And I deeply desire to be with her.
 But, there is nothing I can do on my own to "fix my little red wagon.". I have to rest and wait and trust.

"Be at rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been so good to you" Ps 116:7.

Stop fighting, my soul. Stop anxiously scurrying about. 

Please....Be at rest.


On Halloween, my hubs and I went over to our good friends house to make a birthday dinner (Adam's bday 11/1) and pass out candy to lil trick or treater's.

This couple is one of God's great gifts to us. We are seriously so thankful for them. Last night, we were even planning a great get-a-way as couples. :) 
Oh and p.s. if you were wondering, I was dressed up as an "Undercover Superhero/Office Nerd".
Did I work it?


Thursday, November 1, 2012

Eyes on ME.

In Matthew 14 & 15, there are so many gems to pick up and take hold of.

One is, after Jesus learned the news of His precious cousin and friend losing his life, He wanted to be alone to grieve. A huge crowd followed and Jesus had compassion on them, taught them, fed them, etc. After this, His next response was to get alone and.... pray.
I look at His heart during this sad time and wonder if I can say I am following in His example. I am anxious about a lot of things, worried about myself, sad and mad at times, can't even smile at others, don't even care about others, always considering my hard time the worst out of everyone who opens their mouths.... (Sometimes I even annoy myself)
Can I stop and see the other hurting people around me long enough to afford them a smile, a hug, a gift, a conversation? Do I get alone and pray, do I desire it?
I have seen myself change in both good and bad ways since losing lil G. But I do love to have sweet fellowship with Jesus, I love to hear Him speak hope and encouragement and joy to my broken heart, at times when I need it the most.
Like today, woke up so sad, feeling so hopeless... have prayed and cried and cried...
The best thing? Sitting in His Presence, waiting for Him to answer my cries...and He did, as He always does...Today, His response to me was:
"I am not bound by time or age or even numbers or days (Is 55:8- my ways are higher, etc), Stop doubting the words I have spoken, eyes on Me."
 His words help. They redirect, reposition my heart to surrender and worship and they renew. Renew my hope.
Yesterday I read the end of Matthew 15, today when I was talking to my Mom (crying as usual), she said, I read this today... I was surprised...because what I read yesterday did not mean as much to me today...for today's issues...and He wanted me to reread it. Relearn from it.
It's when Peter walks on water.
Jesus is doing this cool thing and Peter wants in, so Jesus says sure, come on in! Water's great! So Peter steps out looking at Jesus... then all the sudden begins to gaze so many huge waves and strong wind. BAM Sinking. Jesus calls Peter out on his tiny size faith and asks him why he was doubting? 
What I got from this as I reread it today was, I can "walk on water" as long as my eyes are on Jesus. I can do the unexpected, unbelievable, impossible. I can recover from losing my little girl. I can live and breathe and move and dream and hope.
The second I take one look around me, compare myself to others, look at their blessings, their seemingly easy happy lives, look at the sadness and the sometimes overwhelming bitter cup I am drinking, I am gone. I am literally drowning in my grossness.
This easy concept of "Eyes on Me"....not so easy.  That is why I got off Facebook, off Twitter, stopped talking to certain people either because of their attitude or because they were not pointing me to Jesus or because the reality of their lives was so completely opposite of mine, it would be unbearable until the time was better.
For the last week or two now, I have felt like the Lord has been asking me to "Stop hiding... Use the platform He has given, don't waste this time." Scary, because that means, seriously, I better learn this "Eyes on Me" thing before I even take one step off the boat.
Today, in some of my bad attitudes, I have asked, "What do you want from me,God, seriously? I don't understand.... " I mean, I just feel the spot I am in totally stinks. Thankfully He knows that, and even if He somehow forgot, He knows I'd remind Him. (haha)... But what He wants is surrender.  Surrendor of dreams, thoughts, plans, goals, even hopes. Surrender of expectations, anxiousness, bitterness, unfairness, anger, jealousy. So  MUCH to hand over to Him minute by minute.
He reminded me it's not about us. NOT ABOUT US.
He also reminded me to "keep my hands to the plow" as a good friend back at home in Indy had challenged me with before leaving for Florida.
I honestly don't know what He wants besides all that from me right now, I was more looking for some sort of direction or opportunity or some sort... but that is what I got and I am going with it. I still feel lost, but I know He is with me on this long journey.

A few verses the Lord led me to in my searching today ... (Notice how it is a song for pilgrims)

A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem. A psalm of Solomon.

Unless the Lord builds a house,
    the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
    guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
    from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
    for God gives rest to his loved ones.
Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
    are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
    He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

I was mostly convicted by the top 2 verses just saying UNLESS THE LORD...  Everything else is a waste....
And of course another reminder to me that children are a GIFT and a REWARD, not an entitlement like I had previously assumed. And we are asking God for a quiver full.

Then I read just above that chapter and these 2 lone verses were on the start of the page for ch 127...

Those who plant in tears
    will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
    but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Praying these things...