Wednesday, October 24, 2012

"You will in Heaven..."

This will be short, but I had to post.

The past week has been full of ups and downs for me. The Lord has been dealing with so many crazy huge issues. I will definitely be writing more later. I heard the best sermon on Sunday about Prayer, and the best one last night on Jonah 4.

I LOVE how Jesus pursues us. Doesn't let us get stuck in our ruts, our tantrums, our grief.

Today, I began working at Girls Inc Sarasota. I was a homework Tutor for 3 hours. I met some pretty quality little girls. I have this *thing* for tiny lil Hispanic girls now (hmm, wonder why). So, I was able to help a bunch of them with all their math problems. I was definitely nervous, not about being there, but that'd I would have forgotten all my "knowledge" and just be like, "Oh, wow, I just don't know, let's skip to another..." Ha! But that didn't happen. It is such an amazing place, so many cool opportunities there.

As I was driving home, just an hour ago, I began to cry a little.... I was about to open my mouth and complain and whine to the Lord about not being able to see my tiny lil brown baby Greyson grow up, have a life, be somebody, be adorable, be loved on by her mom and dad, the list goes way way way on. I can't remember if I said it or just thought it, but all I heard back was...

"You will get to see Greyson grow up, Heaven."

So, I am pretty darn excited about that. Makes me not want to be here on Earth so much. However, I know the Lord has plans to prosper and give us a future while here on Earth. I pray I fulfill them, stay in His will, heal of my grief and anger and am always about His business until He calls me Home!!

This is super short for me.... but I am going on a hot date with my hot hubby! We are going to a delicious place called Daiquiri Deck where they have this really yummy blacked chicken salad! Then we are going to the beach with a blanket! So thankful... 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Why does every Ke$ha song sound the same?

Yay! Celebrating the fact that... I did not cry. First time in 12 straight days. Saturday, Sunday & Monday, I thought I was reliving June 13th all over again... I couldn't drive without crying or go on my walk without crying...I couldn't even think without crying.

 Didn't help that well-meaning people were coming up and hugging us at our church down here, or knowing I'd have to "face" certain girl friends down here for the first time. One came up to me at church and asked me how I was about 5x. I said I was fine.

She called my bluff, made me cry so much. She said she cried during the service for me, because in the immediate row behind us were 2 new young mom's feeding and laughing and whispering to their babies during service. I prayed to be deaf.

It has been good to be back in Sarasota. We have been so busy. I prayed for that, knowing I was coming here without a baby and without a job. I go almost non-stop. There is always something to do. Our friends have all wanted to plan things, which has kept us busy on the weekends and during the weeknights. We especially have loved reconnecting with some really truly great friends, a hubs and wife couple exactly our ages, we've already hung out with them numerous times and they are desperately trying to get us to buy a house right down the street from theirs.
Me. Lovin the neon yella bandana.

I have been meeting with 3 different ministries around Sarasota this week; a pregnancy center, a Senior living facility and Girl's Inc. Tried to cover all age groups. Lovin Girl's Inc the best. I start there on Monday. They actually offered me a job during the  summer months. Haha.

Today I went to the Senior's place, it's called Windsor Reflections.  They gave me a quick tour and wanted me to start asap. Which I was not prepared for. I had wore a skirt and had totally forgot I was there to lead "fitness" classes. But it turned out ok, because it was literally me just having to YELL, which I hate, to these cute old people while we watched an 80's video with a woman in a full bright red leotard do chair exercises. I think I am going to try it again, just do crafts or something with them. But after my last job, I kinda wanted to have a huge distance between myself and older people. (Bleh, think lots of gross stuff, then stop or you'll vomit)

Even today, apparently I (of course me) sat on a leather chair that a previous resident had peed on, it had dried and no one (I do not know why) had cleaned it up yet?? So, that was gross.  And seriously, why me?
The facility is brand spankin new, opened in July, so it's not gross.

Then a guy in his late 70's maybe named Bud Roughead came to do his chair exercises, but half way through he had to go "take a whiz" (Am I even spelling that right?) and after he came back, he announced to me that "He missed". I was like, thank you God Almighty that I am *not* required to clean that up. I am a volunteer, I get to watch and listen to all the horrors, instead of before, being Director of Everything Disgusting.

Tomorrow I am heading to the pool with a friend and her 2 little girls. At our Condo, we have 2 pools and 1 hot tub. I wish I could transfer everyone that I love to  We are so split in half between Indy and Florida.

Tonight we grilled out and Adam's made me watch the beginning of "Alien", gross and scary.

Finally our Condo is feeling like "home". I definitely cried the first night. I was scared of the 30 yr old rose flannel sheets on our bed. I took them off and covered the nasty blue couch with them so I could sit on it. Jesus us so nice to me, know what I needed in order to calm down and chill out, I was all prepped to go buy King Size Sheets on Sunday, when I looked in the closet and found brand new ones. They are the grossest orange color ever, but made me so happy. I put them on, not caring about the fact that they probably came from a bug infested factory in India and slept happily until the next day when I washed them. Adam puts up with me. He knows I am just hormonal and overly emotional. I asked him not to judge me about the couch situation, he did not. :)
Anyway, we have an awesome view of a huge lake and surprisingly, some privacy for being in the middle part of like 15 condo's. There is a YMCA right next door to us, I have been walking there and then walking on their nature path. So nice. It's been 85' almost everyday.
 Flowers from my hubs for our 2 year (gasp). We celebrated just a few days ago. Our beach wedding was so perfect. I am so thankful I got to marry him.

 The cutest footprints I have ever seen in the whole world. Someday, when I die, I will get to touch those lil toes again and kiss them. Wow, I cannot wait.  (sorry it's turned) (I cannot call myself a legit Photographer anymore because of this)

 Our Iphone reminder. As if we'd forget...

 My handsome hubby. We were playing around at a place in Orlando...

 Then we went to downtown Disney...
 One of my best friends, Jasmine. Love her. We spent the day at Magic Kingdom.

 Lil Mirabelle. People think she is mine.

 Hubs and I at the Hunsador Pumpkin Festival in Bradenton. We went with some good friends. The baby girl up there is one of theirs. Good times. Wished Lil G coulda been with us.

 TRUE life from the Mancilla Household. This picture cracked me up, because after 2 years of marriage, we have finally decided this is what actually has truly been happening. And all parties are ok with it!

I could've swore there was more I wanted to write about. I promise there will be a *deep* Spiritual one next time, but for now, that's all I got.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Happy Birthday to my Baby

I'd take a shot in the chest to have this moment back. Or to even have one moment cuddling with her today on her 4 month birthday, but really I'd take that every day. Every hour.
I stopped counting weeks of her birth and weeks since her death awhile back. Not because I made myself stop, but I just..forgot. Grace from Jesus? I don't know.

 I will not forget, however, the 11th of every month. It actually snuck up on this month. Last night, I was reading in Romans and reading a book on dealing with infant loss...and happened to look at the calendar. Boo.

But ya know, I am making it through. I have been alone most of the day, though my hubby works in our living room (so blessed & thankful I get to fix him breakfast and lunch each day, and sneak kisses and hugs whenever I want) but Jesus has been with me. I have felt His Spirit so strong within me and around me. I know He has me. He has us. He is holding Greyson until I get there.
I have heard from a few people, including my Mom, who have remembered her. I appreciate that so much. It so stinks to not be able to celebrate her today in the way every new Mom would want. I feel cheated. I feel envious of all the new Mom's out there getting to celebrate each week, each month, each milestone with their babies. They have nothing that should ever even come close to a complaint about how difficult it must be to learn how to be a new Mom.

I have cried a lot today. As I woke up, as I took a walk, a shower, as I'm typing this... Grief is hard consuming stuff. I'm over it. I wish I could grab the way I used to be, feel, live and just forget about all the pain and trauma... but I have to trudge through it, til I am out of of it.

Not over it, just out of it.

 I love how Jesus just knows. He knows what we need when we need it. He knows how to give good gifts, He knows how to distract us and help us refocus our attentions. I am praying that the Lord keeps me so occupied enjoying life that I do not dwell on the former things. I will never ever forget my lil G, but I can live in the day that God has made and given me and live it to the fullest. If I can find joy, cool. If I can find hope, cool.

I find joy in the fact that God has chose to adopt me as His precious daughter and He has done the same for baby Greyson. He is for me, not against me, He will cause everything to work together for GOOD. For His good.

Find rest my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him... (Ps 62:5)
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint...(Jer 31:25)

Can I do this...this grief thing...without complaining? A good question I was being asked this morning by Jesus. I read a devotional that spurred that thought from Him on...
Talking to Jesus as much as I want about the difficult path I am on tempers my thoughts and helps me see things from His perspective.
Talking with others sometimes about this path opens the door to deadly sins such as rage and self.pity.

I have seen it happen firsthand. I start talking. BAM. I literally have rage in my heart that if visible could explode out my ears, nose, mouth. I would vomit it up.
 Hey, maybe that would be easier and just get rid of it. HA!

My rage is like so hidden, even I don't know it's there sometimes. Then all the sudden with no warning, mostly when I am sharing my thoughts/life/heart with others....there it is.
Today, I listened to this hour long sermon as I walked, on.... Anger. Wow, so good. So good.
 I obviously am going to have anger to deal with for something like this.

Anyway, it creeps on me sometimes. I feel it in my clenched jaw as I cry or the stiffness of my body when I am thinking about certain things. I hate it. I hate that something so powerful is inside me. I began praying it away today. Praying that God would release me of my angry heart. I surrendered it, layed it down. There is simply nothing else I have felt like I could do. However, I realized that I can do a few things:

1. Control my tongue, power of life & death
2. Control my thoughts, take them captive

Every time I speak negatively about losing our baby, the anger creeps.
Every time I think about my friends who had babies this summer, the anger consumes.

As I feel tempted to grumble or become angry, I want to go to Jesus, talk it out, open up to Him and allow Him to put his thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart.  I have the power---with Jesus---to take my mind off one thing and to set it on something else!
I have the power---with Jesus---to be able to find things about my life that He has done or given that are GOOD right now, today.

Do I believe that I am complete in HIM??
That the One Thing I will ever need is the One Thing I can never lose.... His Presence.

He was with me from birth. He was with me when Greyson was born, He was there in the bedroom when my Mom brought her in not breathing, He was there at her little funeral and the terrible days after, He is with me today as I *try* to enjoy His presence and remember my baby girl is with Him celebrating... it's not what I'd chose, but it's what is best.

"Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
 To believe that there is nothing left to fear
 You alone are high above it all
 You, my God, are greater still..."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


It's sad that I only have one Member. Or "Creeper" as I changed it to.

So, we are officially in Florida.
I have officially cried everyday since arriving, except not today. Yet...
This transition is...bittersweet.
Most of my friends say they are jealous of us being down here.
Trust me, we'd give it ALL up. Every last drop of anything that made anybody jealous.
However, I do see their point. We are spoiled by our Creator, in giving us a flexible job that allows us the best of both worlds.

I have been learning to pray more. Praying more scripture as I read it. Learning to keep busy. Busier than usual. I have lists. I have goals. I am praying I keep my mind on things that are admirable, praiseworthy, pure and excellent.

It's so beautiful down here. We love it. We miss our baby girl. We wish she was here with us every minute.

Jesus is reminding me to pray for contentment and to fix my gaze directly ahead of me. I am asking for big things. I am praying in faith, knowing that "if He is willing..." Knowing He gives good gifts and everything He gives IS good no matter if I can see it that way or not.

I have been reading a chapter of Matthew a day. Lovin it...

So thankful for a few of my friends. The ones who encourage me to push further and keep trusting and keep walking.  I am praying I learn to become a more encouraging pointing my friends to Jesus friend...

Side Notes:
I saw a man vacuuming his driveway here in the Flo-rida...
I am obsessed with clean laundry still. Love having all my stuff clean all the time. (Hard to do when it is hot and I walk. I walk a lot. I sweat a lot)
I have been picking up dead cockroaches all day. We even found a dead one in our bed the first night here. Grody.
My hubs and I are walking to the beach every night. (1.5hr walk)
The fruit down here is kick booty. Seriously. Lovin the road side stands... Missed them all summer.
I got like 15 mosquito bites the second we crossed the border into Florida it seemed. Normally I only get bit at first...
Spent some time at Disney with a friend. Hubs couldn't go, had to work unexpectedly. (Two thumbs down people) We had a great time.
There are a lot of children and babies there. Probably not the place for me for awhile. We had grand plans of plowing people down there with my all the moms do... haha. But sad.

Tonight we are grilling out, hot tubbin and watchin a movie. Lovin the time with him at nights.
Thanking Jesus for him in my life.
We are lovin' Sarasota. Meeting up with a married couple this Saturday for dinner. We can't wait to see them.

So, this is a very random post.

I am thinking of making my blog private very soon. So, follow me so I can (?) I don't know how it works.... STILL....
 I and my hubs don't like the idea of anybody who's anybody just googling my name and finding all this info...