I had just spent 9 months carrying her, but only barely 2 days with her.
I showed up to the ER in an ambulance with my sweet lil baby girl in the back.
I left 2 hours later with a box.
A box with a bracelet, her clothes, and her bear hat.
It's every parent's worst nightmare come true.
We couldn't protect her or save her, we had to let her go and leave her there and walk away empty handed. Never to see her face or feel her skin again this side of Heaven.
Worst day of our lives.
I wanted to be her Mommy more than anything else I have ever even thought about wanting in my life. Hard to swallow sometimes that God, in His wisdom, had another plan. A better one.
She went from my arms into the arms of Jesus at 11:04a. She took her last breathe on earth in my arms and woke up in Paradise. She has been there a year now, though I'm sure time is different in Heaven.
I wonder what she does? If she is still a baby, frozen in time, until her Mommy or Daddy arrive? Does she miss us? Does she ask Jesus about us? Is she what a 1 year old living on Earth looks like, crawling, walking, saying little words and tasting yummy new food for the first time? Or is she in Babyland being cared for by the Angels and the close friends and family I know up there?
All I know, is that I can't wait to get there.
I have asked myself this week ... why. WHY. Why do I *have* to wake up everyday this week and she doesn't *get* to? Asked that to the Lord on her birthday, especially.
Why am I here and she's not? Seems so unfair. Unfair to me, not to her.
We released balloons at 7:17p on June 11, the exact time she was born. So bittersweet. Mostly bitter. Not what I've ever dreamt of doing for my first baby's first birthday.
Sweet though... just because of the people the Lord has placed as support for my husband and I over the past year were there to be with us.
As I look back over the last year, I see so much of God. He has carried us through. This year has sped by and we are so thankful to have one full year of grieving behind us. It has been hard. Very hard.
I can start sobbing without even a thought entering my head. I have trouble remembering things. I can't make myself care about things I want to care about it. It's very hard to find things in common with most of my friends. I am exhausted. Time has stopped. (some of these things are just exasperated due to pregnancy hormones I am sure) Plus much more.
I see how the Lord has set aside this last year for sweet times with Him. Sweet times with my husband with Him. His Word holding our Souls like an anchor. His Word bringing healing and direction and refreshing. Him supplying our needs. Jesus showing Himself through my parents, through our friends.
God has been our Rock. There is no way....no way, we could've made it this whole year without Jesus.
I am so thankful for the Lord for hand-picking my husband knowing this would be something we'd have to endure only 1.5 years in our marriage. 80% of marriages that have the death of a child end in divorce. He has been so patient with me, so loving and tender and compassionate. He has taken care of me in so many ways.
I am so thankful for my Mom. She has had to endure what no Nana ever should- a grandchild stopping breathing in her arms. How traumatic and painful. She has been so patient and loving and giving and always there for me. She has prayed for me and us and... with me so many times.
I am sure I have not been easy to be around or live with.
We have made it one year, but we know it's not over. We are so close to witnessing another mircacle in our family. She kicks and bumps her booty all the time. We cannot wait to have her in our arms and in our lives. We know God has big plans for her and has given her a big job to do before she even is aware of what's going on. We look forward to her arrival into the world next month.
We know in no way will she ever ever replace our lil G, but we know God sent her in His perfect timing to give us HOPE...
My two daughters. Can't wait to hear lil Squishy talk of lil Lumpy.
Living for the day they get to unite in Heaven one day and we as a family will be complete.