Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Walking with a Limp

I normally don't blog the day after a blog, but today....there are things on my heart and mind.

It has been a very emotional day for me. I have found a lot of things to cry about.

The only thing I can put it back to is: losing a whole nights worth of sleep last night,  pregnancy hormones, and a friend I have never met who had to "celebrate" her little girl's 1st birthday today...without her.

This lady got her baby girl for only 5 hours. FIVE.  Last April, I stumbled across her blog...and cried. I was 7 months pregnant with Greyson and just could not even imagine how this lady was even continuing to breathe.  I even wrote on her blog. Told her I was praying for her. I told my husband about it. I thought about it for a few days. "That only happens to other people."

So, now I am that lady who has lost something so precious to her, that others read about and cry over, but walk away and think it will never happen to them and then go on with their I did.
But now I live in that life....with her...with SO many others...your normal everyday girl who has to continue living and sometimes pretends life is good JUST to fit in with others around her.

One thing this friend mentioned in her writing today was comparing herself to Jacob, from the Bible, saying there would be a limp in her walk for the rest of her life. And how some people will see the limp and be comforted in their struggles, some will see it as a weakness.

The thought of walking with a limp so powerfully resonated in my heart and mind today.

Genesis 32:22-32

Jacob Wrestles With God

" That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon."

I don't consider myself to be someone great like Jacob or even to imply that I am fighting against God right now. But I have struggled with God. For almost 10 months. I have not overcome God, I haven't even tried, but I certainly have been in the middle of a battle, one that has left a mark; a scar; a limp.

Will I walk the rest of my days with a limp? Who knows. I have finally realized that I am not simply trying to get over something like I thought at first.

 Greyson was not just a baby who died, she was my little girl. Tell me how you are ever normal after losing your baby girl? A baby girl you had named and had a plan for before you were a teenager?  It's not just something sad that happened to my husband and I, she will always always be missing from our family (on earth).  Having another baby girl will not fix things.

I do have hope--a very great hope-- that lil Squishy will bring us healing and laughter and maybe even less of a limp.... I feel like that is what God is wanting to do by giving us another daughter so quickly. And I praise Him for His wisdom. He knows us so well. Makes me cry. We asked Him to give us what we needed, not what we wanted. How do you even know what you want after losing your first baby, anyway?

After reading my friends blog today on her daughter's birthday, I couldn't help but think...     "Oh, the coming dread for me.... that I always push to the back of my mind.....and pretend it's not going to happen."

I am honestly kind of freaked out when I think ahead to this summer. So much to handle.

Greyson's first birthday.

What to do? How to "celebrate"? How to not curl up and cry all day? Or all the days leading up to?

How to not want to die... how to plan something that honors to keep myself remembering God's mercy...God's grace...God's gift...of another baby girl soon after "dealing with that day".

Only 11 more weeks.

The name we have picked out for baby girl #2 means:  My God answers (in) dark fields.  So fitting.

He answered our cry for Him to fill our arms again. He answered us in our deepest darkest hours. He knew the right timing. He knew the right gender. He knew it'd be a little added grace and hope to have a baby close to coming out in the days leading up to our 1st baby's birthday and Heaven Day.

He knew and He knows.

I love knowing Him.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Baby #2

I go way longer than I ever mean to between blogging.

I don't know if that means that I am... "better" because I don't have much to say... or if I am busier...or if I am at a place of not much emotion or thought about anything at all.

All I know is that I still feel withdrawn a lot of the time. And I like it that way. My hubby and I went on a 10 day vacation last week, didn't really tell anyone where we were going on when we were coming back. I left my phone plugged into the wall almost the whole time and just enjoyed what was in front of me: My sweet hubby, my growing belly, and the beautiful beach.

I think I am finally beginning to "enjoy" life as God has given it to me. Finally starting to be reconciled to His plan. Not that I wasn't before, but it was such a struggle. I still mourn my baby girl all the time, but I think the Lord is answering my prayer to enjoy life...

"God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past." Ecc 5:20

I will never forget Greyson. I just have to move forward in what God has. It's such a hard concept to grasp and try to explain or write about. I know this would be much much much harder if there was not another baby so closet to popping out....

Speaking of baby #2... we found out a few weeks ago that God has decided to give us another baby girl!!!!!!! We were in complete shock at the Ultra Sound. I guess we had just convinced ourselves it was a lil boy in there...and we were to the point were we were ok with waiting for another lil girl and excited about a boy.... but wow.

So, we are looking forward to her arrival!

During the appointment, I was diagnosed with Partial Placenta Previa... another Ultra Sound in 5 weeks at around week 28 to see if the placenta has moved. Squishy (her nickname) implanted so low, so I have to be very careful so I don't start bleeding. Praying that this birth is exactly what needs to happen. I am surprisingly open and flexible about it. My only goal is to get that baby girl in my arms, healthy stay...for hopefully longer than her big sister. But I am still trying to get to a place of full trust and surrender with baby #2. "God, your timing, not mine...her days are numbered...I trust you..." Difficult, but necessary. We are so thankful and so excited. 2 baby girls in 1 year! Wow.

Having another girl...actually makes me miss lil G way more than I thought, and I don't even have this baby girl yet... but something about it "upsets" me in a weird way. Like, I so wish lil G could be here... kinda makes me want to have another baby right away after this baby... to experience that. Even though pregnancy is not my friend. Haha...

We are thankful and preparing... I cannot wait for July.  Baby girl #2 looks a lot like her big sis... I cannot wait to see her face.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

9 months

My baby would have been 9 months old yesterday. I can't believe it. I miss her so bad.

She was such a sweet tiny lil baby and all I want is to hold her in my arms and kiss her face. My heart aches every time I see a picture of her. She is almost always the last thing on my mind every night. I replay a different moment with her on rotation, wishing so bad I had more moments or this was all a really bad nightmare.

Makes this life seem so much less appealing to me... makes me so much more heaven focused. Because I know without a doubt she is there, waiting for me. I love that. It makes my heart so happy.

I couldn't imagine having to go through life without her AND also knowing I only may get to see her again. Or simply just not having that peace and comfort and absolute security that she is in heaven with Jesus...and so happy...and not having to experience anything this world offers.

Because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I get to see her again. Thank you, Lord.

Each month further away from last summer & her death has seemed to lessen the blow and ease the grief. It's definitely not gone, not even close, never will be.

I will always be missing her. I don't have the luxury of pushing the sadness to the side and pretending life will go back to/ever be normal. 

As life and time moves on, I have to join in. I haven't wanted to at times, but I have made myself. As I have joined back in, I have begun to seem/feel more normal.  The Lord has worked in me...and helped heal and refresh my heart and soul.
 I am 5 months pregnant with Greyson's lil brother or sister. I can't believe I will have had 2 babies within 13 months of each other!

I feel very different with this baby. I have struggled with exhaustion and depression so much more than with lil G. But, outwardly, I have found myself actually preparing and planning for the "afterwards" of baby#2. Praying into child-raising and my hubby and I's relationships with a baby, etc. I just....actually feel a twinge of excitement looking forward to the joy, the healing, the learning and the love. Looking forward to being out of this desert time, but praying I learn and grow and change as I am stuck here in the season for the next few months.

I am thankful to serve a God that in His wisdom He knows what is the very best and knew Greyson only needed 2 days here to achieve what He needed to do, is still doing and is only beginning to do through her little life. I pray I am making her lil life matter and count and am able to be used by Him for His glory......because of her.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Waiting in Hope

It's been awhile.
I have had a lot on my mind, but it never has seemed worth writing about.

I've been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. Feeling like I have experienced some all-time lows here lately. Just dealing with so many hormones, emotions, thoughts and circumstances that just won't change.

I still am drudging through all of this with Jesus... still taking Him every single thing and waiting expectantly for answers and change in my heart and in our lives. Still learning how to be thankful and trust Jesus no matter what my eyes see. He has assured me He is always working on our behalf, always at work behind the scenes. I am reminded of almost every story in the God would give them hopes, dreams, promises, commands...but then...there would be a h--u--g--e long wait time.

That is where I am. Where we are. Just waiting.

I am struggling big time with purpose and motivation. God has given me some things to pursue, but I feel big discontentment show up, so then my motivation leaves to carry those things out. I have had a "deserving" attitude rather than a peaceful, thankful and trusting one. I have heard a lot of whines and cries come out of my lips lately towards the Lord. A lot of "I just wanted..." statements, or "I just wish".

Working through those attitudes.

This type of grief, brought on by tragedy, throws you into this "area". It's an "area" most have never even gazed at, let alone, been sentenced to sit in for awhile. I never knew it existed until after Greyson died.
It's a path that most have never walked. It creates this type of loneliness that simply hanging out with a friend will never cure. It's one where you walk through life now with a whole new set of eyes and everything has changed. All your goals, dreams, passions, relationships...even the simple way you process a thought. Gone. As you walk thru a store, drive down the street, have a simple conversation...

 It's all different now.

And it's so refreshing to hear from people who know what it feels like. My husband and I have this kinda secret language where we just know. Know that it's painful to talk about family plans, or hopes, family trips, see cute lil pink things, lil babies at all, see parents being awesome with their kids, or parents being so lame and terrible.

But in all this, we are still thankful. Thankful in hope. Thankful that we do not have to grieve like those with no hope. (1 Thess 4:13) We know and are confident of where our baby girl is and we will join her someday because of the trust we have placed in Jesus. THAT is our only hope, THAT is why we continue on seeking the Lord and aim to please Him in everything.

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us" (Phil 3:14)

Even as I type this, I can feel HOPE kicking. He/she is always reminding me how faithful Jesus is. :) Answering our prayers to have another baby after losing lil G, knowing our heart's desires and needs and even wants. We are learning each and every day to hand this baby over to Him who is able to do far more than we can imagine.

HE (the Lord) is my constant companion as I deal with all these issues in my life and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He is the one who leads me besides still waters and refreshes my soul with His presence and with His Word. I would be so lost, confused, hurting and hateful all the time (as opposed to every once in awhile) if it weren't for Him.

One of my very good friends gave me this book called "Hannah's Hope" (by Jennifer Saake) a week ago. I just finished it a night ago. I would recommend it to anyone who has dealt with baby or adoption loss, miscarriage, or infertility. I love how the whole book centers around the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible but also the author talks so much about her own personal struggles. I could relate to her on many different aspects and it just helped me feel...ok.

Like, I really don't like going to church anymore. I haven't since Greyson died. I couldn't/can't explain it to my husband.... and even to myself, it doesn't make sense. God calls us to fellowship, right?  Well, there's just a deeper issue, rather than just me being lazy or hatin on God...  So, I am trying to figure that one out. She covers that in the book and gives ideas/testimony to how they handled that.

I loved how God just also used this book to open my eyes. I have not struggled with infertility, but wow, He has broken my heart for those who do deal with in day in and day out, living in hope and despair at the same time, grieving their dreams and hopes, watching everyone else around them have "no trouble". I understand the glares I got with Greyson...& get now as the lil chunk fills up more and more of my belly. I understand why you hate meeting new people or being asked questions. I have purposely tried to avoid meeting anyone new for the last almost 9 months. I don't want to deal with the questions.... the innocent questions I used to ask people without even giving one thought about it.

Hannah's story is so painful, yet so awesome. How she had to watch her husband take on a new wife, who could bear children; how year after year she waited; how God heard every thought, prayer, dream and cry; how God had a huge plan that Hannah wasn't aware of; how she gave her baby to God before he was even conceived; how she followed through with that vow and made the painful journey to the temple when he was just 3; how she made the painful journey back....alone....without him...her baby... but how God redeeemed all of it... how He had such huge plans for this He cared about 1 women's desire to be a mother.

I love how the Lord works.

I started off praying that baby #2 would bring US laughter and joy and healing...and I still pray that. But now I pray that God dreams HIS dreams through this baby, even in the womb, and that this baby leads many to Him. I can't wait to meet him/her, and get to know them & see what kind of lil person they will be!

UPDATE on Pregnancy:
Starting my 19th week today. Gained around 8-9lbs. (Haven't really checked in awhile)

Stomach aches: only every once in awhile now! (Praising Jesus! Those are the worst!)

Nausea: Barfed on Monday, but feeling good lately

Energy: Almost none, unless I am eating or right after working out.

Exercise: Finally started walking the treadmill again 3 weeks ago, combined with a 30-40 min yoga- stretching-body weight routine to tone.

Cravings: Salad and Cherry Coke. I literally feel like I could drink that all day, but I def do not let myself. (I drink it like 2x month max) Last night, on a date with my hubs, I had a hue glass of cherry coke and LOVED it. I went to sleep thinking how thirsty I was and would love to have more of it.

Gender: Still thinking boy, but will be pleasantly surprised with another lil girl. I cannot wait to give this baby a name and call the baby a him or her. We have had to wait the LONGEST out of everyone we know right now to find out. It's still 12 days away!

Sometimes I still feel there are 2 babies in there, because I am so not used to such a big baby. I am so excited to see an Ultra Sound next week and see if he/she is normal size or bigger than his/her age.