Saturday, March 2, 2013

Waiting in Hope

It's been awhile.
I have had a lot on my mind, but it never has seemed worth writing about.

I've been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. Feeling like I have experienced some all-time lows here lately. Just dealing with so many hormones, emotions, thoughts and circumstances that just won't change.

I still am drudging through all of this with Jesus... still taking Him every single thing and waiting expectantly for answers and change in my heart and in our lives. Still learning how to be thankful and trust Jesus no matter what my eyes see. He has assured me He is always working on our behalf, always at work behind the scenes. I am reminded of almost every story in the God would give them hopes, dreams, promises, commands...but then...there would be a h--u--g--e long wait time.

That is where I am. Where we are. Just waiting.

I am struggling big time with purpose and motivation. God has given me some things to pursue, but I feel big discontentment show up, so then my motivation leaves to carry those things out. I have had a "deserving" attitude rather than a peaceful, thankful and trusting one. I have heard a lot of whines and cries come out of my lips lately towards the Lord. A lot of "I just wanted..." statements, or "I just wish".

Working through those attitudes.

This type of grief, brought on by tragedy, throws you into this "area". It's an "area" most have never even gazed at, let alone, been sentenced to sit in for awhile. I never knew it existed until after Greyson died.
It's a path that most have never walked. It creates this type of loneliness that simply hanging out with a friend will never cure. It's one where you walk through life now with a whole new set of eyes and everything has changed. All your goals, dreams, passions, relationships...even the simple way you process a thought. Gone. As you walk thru a store, drive down the street, have a simple conversation...

 It's all different now.

And it's so refreshing to hear from people who know what it feels like. My husband and I have this kinda secret language where we just know. Know that it's painful to talk about family plans, or hopes, family trips, see cute lil pink things, lil babies at all, see parents being awesome with their kids, or parents being so lame and terrible.

But in all this, we are still thankful. Thankful in hope. Thankful that we do not have to grieve like those with no hope. (1 Thess 4:13) We know and are confident of where our baby girl is and we will join her someday because of the trust we have placed in Jesus. THAT is our only hope, THAT is why we continue on seeking the Lord and aim to please Him in everything.

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us" (Phil 3:14)

Even as I type this, I can feel HOPE kicking. He/she is always reminding me how faithful Jesus is. :) Answering our prayers to have another baby after losing lil G, knowing our heart's desires and needs and even wants. We are learning each and every day to hand this baby over to Him who is able to do far more than we can imagine.

HE (the Lord) is my constant companion as I deal with all these issues in my life and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He is the one who leads me besides still waters and refreshes my soul with His presence and with His Word. I would be so lost, confused, hurting and hateful all the time (as opposed to every once in awhile) if it weren't for Him.

One of my very good friends gave me this book called "Hannah's Hope" (by Jennifer Saake) a week ago. I just finished it a night ago. I would recommend it to anyone who has dealt with baby or adoption loss, miscarriage, or infertility. I love how the whole book centers around the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible but also the author talks so much about her own personal struggles. I could relate to her on many different aspects and it just helped me feel...ok.

Like, I really don't like going to church anymore. I haven't since Greyson died. I couldn't/can't explain it to my husband.... and even to myself, it doesn't make sense. God calls us to fellowship, right?  Well, there's just a deeper issue, rather than just me being lazy or hatin on God...  So, I am trying to figure that one out. She covers that in the book and gives ideas/testimony to how they handled that.

I loved how God just also used this book to open my eyes. I have not struggled with infertility, but wow, He has broken my heart for those who do deal with in day in and day out, living in hope and despair at the same time, grieving their dreams and hopes, watching everyone else around them have "no trouble". I understand the glares I got with Greyson...& get now as the lil chunk fills up more and more of my belly. I understand why you hate meeting new people or being asked questions. I have purposely tried to avoid meeting anyone new for the last almost 9 months. I don't want to deal with the questions.... the innocent questions I used to ask people without even giving one thought about it.

Hannah's story is so painful, yet so awesome. How she had to watch her husband take on a new wife, who could bear children; how year after year she waited; how God heard every thought, prayer, dream and cry; how God had a huge plan that Hannah wasn't aware of; how she gave her baby to God before he was even conceived; how she followed through with that vow and made the painful journey to the temple when he was just 3; how she made the painful journey back....alone....without him...her baby... but how God redeeemed all of it... how He had such huge plans for this He cared about 1 women's desire to be a mother.

I love how the Lord works.

I started off praying that baby #2 would bring US laughter and joy and healing...and I still pray that. But now I pray that God dreams HIS dreams through this baby, even in the womb, and that this baby leads many to Him. I can't wait to meet him/her, and get to know them & see what kind of lil person they will be!

UPDATE on Pregnancy:
Starting my 19th week today. Gained around 8-9lbs. (Haven't really checked in awhile)

Stomach aches: only every once in awhile now! (Praising Jesus! Those are the worst!)

Nausea: Barfed on Monday, but feeling good lately

Energy: Almost none, unless I am eating or right after working out.

Exercise: Finally started walking the treadmill again 3 weeks ago, combined with a 30-40 min yoga- stretching-body weight routine to tone.

Cravings: Salad and Cherry Coke. I literally feel like I could drink that all day, but I def do not let myself. (I drink it like 2x month max) Last night, on a date with my hubs, I had a hue glass of cherry coke and LOVED it. I went to sleep thinking how thirsty I was and would love to have more of it.

Gender: Still thinking boy, but will be pleasantly surprised with another lil girl. I cannot wait to give this baby a name and call the baby a him or her. We have had to wait the LONGEST out of everyone we know right now to find out. It's still 12 days away!

Sometimes I still feel there are 2 babies in there, because I am so not used to such a big baby. I am so excited to see an Ultra Sound next week and see if he/she is normal size or bigger than his/her age.

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