9 months

My baby would have been 9 months old yesterday. I can't believe it. I miss her so bad.

She was such a sweet tiny lil baby and all I want is to hold her in my arms and kiss her face. My heart aches every time I see a picture of her. She is almost always the last thing on my mind every night. I replay a different moment with her on rotation, wishing so bad I had more moments or this was all a really bad nightmare.

Makes this life seem so much less appealing to me... makes me so much more heaven focused. Because I know without a doubt she is there, waiting for me. I love that. It makes my heart so happy.

I couldn't imagine having to go through life without her AND also knowing I only may get to see her again. Or simply just not having that peace and comfort and absolute security that she is in heaven with Jesus...and so happy...and not having to experience anything this world offers.

Because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I get to see her again. Thank you, Lord.

Each month further away from last summer & her death has seemed to lessen the blow and ease the grief. It's definitely not gone, not even close, never will be.

I will always be missing her. I don't have the luxury of pushing the sadness to the side and pretending life will go back to/ever be normal. 

As life and time moves on, I have to join in. I haven't wanted to at times, but I have made myself. As I have joined back in, I have begun to seem/feel more normal.  The Lord has worked in me...and helped heal and refresh my heart and soul.
 
 I am 5 months pregnant with Greyson's lil brother or sister. I can't believe I will have had 2 babies within 13 months of each other!

I feel very different with this baby. I have struggled with exhaustion and depression so much more than with lil G. But, outwardly, I have found myself actually preparing and planning for the "afterwards" of baby#2. Praying into child-raising and my hubby and I's relationships with a baby, etc. I just....actually feel a twinge of excitement looking forward to the joy, the healing, the learning and the love. Looking forward to being out of this desert time, but praying I learn and grow and change as I am stuck here in the season for the next few months.

I am thankful to serve a God that in His wisdom He knows what is the very best and knew Greyson only needed 2 days here to achieve what He needed to do, is still doing and is only beginning to do through her little life. I pray I am making her lil life matter and count and am able to be used by Him for His glory......because of her.