Thursday, May 16, 2013

DIY Dyed All-Star Converse Chucks

A few months ago, I was considering getting rid of at least 1 pair of chucks I had, a white pair, that I never wore anymore.
I also was kinda tired of my old dingy lookin gray ones. They were awesome when I bought them almost 5 years ago, but either needed to be sold or updated.

I chose to update both pairs.

I already have a pair of pink and mint ones. These 2 colors are my favorite. If you don't have Chucks, you can buy a white pair off Amazon easily.

So, I chose to dye the white ones, dark purple and the gray ones, black. I know, I know, black is lame, but you are limited to brown, navy and black with gray ones.

I washed and sun-dried both pairs and then picked up the RIT Dye and a sponge brush. You can find RIT Dye on Amazon in tons of amazing colors!

 Then I took painters tape and covered all the rubber and tags.
 Then, baby girl and I began to dye! (This was pic I sent to my hubby after he asked me what I was doing! Haha)

To my annoyance, the rubber DID stain, after every tutorial online promising it would not. I left them overnight, so maybe if you don't leave the dye on that long, the dye will rinse off. I don't know.
I just took bleach and a rag and touched up the edges. And people, I got a chemical burn on 3 fingers since I choose not to wear gloves. SO...wear gloves! is the finished product! Pretty unique color (I think? The purple at least) And so cute!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Weeping May Last The Night

So thankful the Lord collects all my tears in His bottle. There are so many lately.

This verse, our Associate Pastor gave us a couple days after our little girl went to be with Jesus. I have never forgotten him giving us this verse to hang on to in the deepest darkest agony of our lives.

Every time a tear rolls down my cheek, I think of Jesus literally wiping my eyes so he can collect all my tears. I wonder what He is doing with all of them? Holding them until I get there? Are they a gift to Him? Will they be given back to me? Does He treasure them? Does Greyson know her Mommy still cries for her, almost 1 year later?

They come from the deepest part of my soul. I sometimes surprise myself with the amount of tears that come so very easily.
I, in the past, have not been a cryer, so this past year, has been a whole new world for me. I have had to get a new perspective on tears, that they are not a weakness, but a step towards healing.

This week has been more emotional that I was expecting/hoping.

Mother's Day is so close.

Last year, I was on a boat in Florida.  Living carefree.  8.5 months pregnant with Greyson.

This year, I feel like I am in this pit of sadness. Not despair, but just sometimes overwhelming sadness. A sadness I can't control at all. It just consumes me at times. I feel disappointed in what has transpired in 1 years time.

 But I also feel thankful.

And hopeful.

Almost too many things going on at once in my mind/heart.

I have been so focused on baby girl #2 at times, it just hit me last night that, not only is Mother's Day here already, so is her 11month birthday and her 11month with Jesus, and then....her 1st birthday. 

June 11th.

June 11th. The day that made me a Mom for the 1st time. To a tiny lil dark haired squeaky baby girl. 

June 11th...just keeps replaying thru my mind like a torture scene in a movie. It just won't leave.

The contractions, the pain, her little cries, her cute lil tiny naked body, her little bear hat, nursing for the first time, falling asleep with this little person on my chest, being so in love with someone I had just met.... It all kills me.

 It's a happy/sad memory, but it feels so surreal, like did this special day even really happen? 

I just can't really believe it. Believe that she came...and f.a.s.t.  And that it has almost been one year.

I am hoping to work through this weekend by having a heart a unceasing prayer and thankfulness... Jesus has given us so many things.

What I wrote in my journal this morning to the Lord:

"Thank you for giving us, not one, but TWO precious little girls this year.
 Thank you for writing our story.
 Thank you for allowing me to be Greyson's Mom for 9 months + 2 days.
 Thank you for what lil G's life has done in the lives of all who have heard about her.
 So thankful to be the Mom of these 2 little girls."

Even though Mother's Day will be nowhere near what in my humanness I wish it was this year, I trust the King of Kings, who is wiser than me and knows better than me what is best.

Weeping may last the night, but joy comes in the morning... (Psalm 30:5)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Not Worth Comparing

2 Cor 4:17
For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

I have been reading through the book of 2 Corinthians...slowly...but surely. This verse, I have been meditating on the last few days before I head to chapter 5, which in my Bible, has the words "Greyson Eliana" over to always remind me she has been "swallowed up by life". (The first big paragraph dedicated to different aspects of death).

I just keep going back to this verse, and every time I know God is trying to press in a little deeper to my broken heart. I don't even consider my baby girl dying a "small trouble", not....even...close. But, I do recognize the point in what Paul is trying to get through in us.

Last night with my Hubby, on our date night, we counted and realized our lil' baby girl would be turning 1 in exactly 6 weeks!!!! (from yesterday). From that exact moment on, I was having trouble enjoying where I was, who I was with, what I was eating. I just had this larger than life LUMP in my throat, knowing at any moment, if I didn't keep it together as usual, I would be a mess.

I was instantly throw into the "what if's" and "I wish" again, as I have been for a few days now, just considering everything I wish I was doing right now.

With her.

My baby.

I wish I was planning a fun little pink birthday party. I don't even care who would be there, just the fact that we could celebrate her....alive...

I wish I would have had this last almost whole year learning how to be her Mom...or just a Mom in general even. I have grieved my loss of motherhood in a way.

As I thought about her birthday, God brought up this verse...again. Reminding me that, yes this is a painful time, our desert time, our time of weeping and mourning... but...these days will not last very long! We have Heaven on our minds and in our views and that is where our road leads!

BUT more than that... far more than God just giving me everything I wanted when I wanted it...(Greyson, being a Mom, joy, etc.) His goal has been to refine my character, produce fruit in me that would have never occurred in a million years if I had not lost my first on Earth.

It is a "glory that will last forever". I mean, I pray everyday for soft heart that God can heal and refresh and restore... but now I pray I am learning the things He is teaching and soaking it all in and growing through this tragedy.

It's not easy and we'd never choose it. And this is only a small smidge I know of the "why's' behind our daughter dying at 2 days old, rather than us getting to keep and enjoy her.

I look forward to my second daughter arriving shortly after Greyson's 1st birthday, but I feel more at peace knowing that even if she wasn't coming soon all... I could still attempt to find peace with what God has wanted to do in all of this. I feel a little more thankful. I feel a little more settled.

Psalms 30:5
 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.