Friday, May 10, 2013

Weeping May Last The Night

So thankful the Lord collects all my tears in His bottle. There are so many lately.

This verse, our Associate Pastor gave us a couple days after our little girl went to be with Jesus. I have never forgotten him giving us this verse to hang on to in the deepest darkest agony of our lives.

Every time a tear rolls down my cheek, I think of Jesus literally wiping my eyes so he can collect all my tears. I wonder what He is doing with all of them? Holding them until I get there? Are they a gift to Him? Will they be given back to me? Does He treasure them? Does Greyson know her Mommy still cries for her, almost 1 year later?

They come from the deepest part of my soul. I sometimes surprise myself with the amount of tears that come so very easily.
I, in the past, have not been a cryer, so this past year, has been a whole new world for me. I have had to get a new perspective on tears, that they are not a weakness, but a step towards healing.

This week has been more emotional that I was expecting/hoping.

Mother's Day is so close.

Last year, I was on a boat in Florida.  Living carefree.  8.5 months pregnant with Greyson.

This year, I feel like I am in this pit of sadness. Not despair, but just sometimes overwhelming sadness. A sadness I can't control at all. It just consumes me at times. I feel disappointed in what has transpired in 1 years time.

 But I also feel thankful.

And hopeful.

Almost too many things going on at once in my mind/heart.

I have been so focused on baby girl #2 at times, it just hit me last night that, not only is Mother's Day here already, so is her 11month birthday and her 11month with Jesus, and then....her 1st birthday. 

June 11th.

June 11th. The day that made me a Mom for the 1st time. To a tiny lil dark haired squeaky baby girl. 

June 11th...just keeps replaying thru my mind like a torture scene in a movie. It just won't leave.

The contractions, the pain, her little cries, her cute lil tiny naked body, her little bear hat, nursing for the first time, falling asleep with this little person on my chest, being so in love with someone I had just met.... It all kills me.

 It's a happy/sad memory, but it feels so surreal, like did this special day even really happen? 

I just can't really believe it. Believe that she came...and f.a.s.t.  And that it has almost been one year.

I am hoping to work through this weekend by having a heart a unceasing prayer and thankfulness... Jesus has given us so many things.

What I wrote in my journal this morning to the Lord:

"Thank you for giving us, not one, but TWO precious little girls this year.
 Thank you for writing our story.
 Thank you for allowing me to be Greyson's Mom for 9 months + 2 days.
 Thank you for what lil G's life has done in the lives of all who have heard about her.
 So thankful to be the Mom of these 2 little girls."

Even though Mother's Day will be nowhere near what in my humanness I wish it was this year, I trust the King of Kings, who is wiser than me and knows better than me what is best.

Weeping may last the night, but joy comes in the morning... (Psalm 30:5)