Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Not Worth Comparing

2 Cor 4:17
For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

I have been reading through the book of 2 Corinthians...slowly...but surely. This verse, I have been meditating on the last few days before I head to chapter 5, which in my Bible, has the words "Greyson Eliana" over to always remind me she has been "swallowed up by life". (The first big paragraph dedicated to different aspects of death).

I just keep going back to this verse, and every time I know God is trying to press in a little deeper to my broken heart. I don't even consider my baby girl dying a "small trouble", not....even...close. But, I do recognize the point in what Paul is trying to get through in us.

Last night with my Hubby, on our date night, we counted and realized our lil' baby girl would be turning 1 in exactly 6 weeks!!!! (from yesterday). From that exact moment on, I was having trouble enjoying where I was, who I was with, what I was eating. I just had this larger than life LUMP in my throat, knowing at any moment, if I didn't keep it together as usual, I would be a mess.

I was instantly throw into the "what if's" and "I wish" again, as I have been for a few days now, just considering everything I wish I was doing right now.

With her.

My baby.

I wish I was planning a fun little pink birthday party. I don't even care who would be there, just the fact that we could celebrate her....alive...

I wish I would have had this last almost whole year learning how to be her Mom...or just a Mom in general even. I have grieved my loss of motherhood in a way.

As I thought about her birthday, God brought up this verse...again. Reminding me that, yes this is a painful time, our desert time, our time of weeping and mourning... but...these days will not last very long! We have Heaven on our minds and in our views and that is where our road leads!

BUT more than that... far more than God just giving me everything I wanted when I wanted it...(Greyson, being a Mom, joy, etc.) His goal has been to refine my character, produce fruit in me that would have never occurred in a million years if I had not lost my first on Earth.

It is a "glory that will last forever". I mean, I pray everyday for soft heart that God can heal and refresh and restore... but now I pray I am learning the things He is teaching and soaking it all in and growing through this tragedy.

It's not easy and we'd never choose it. And this is only a small smidge I know of the "why's' behind our daughter dying at 2 days old, rather than us getting to keep and enjoy her.

I look forward to my second daughter arriving shortly after Greyson's 1st birthday, but I feel more at peace knowing that even if she wasn't coming soon all... I could still attempt to find peace with what God has wanted to do in all of this. I feel a little more thankful. I feel a little more settled.

Psalms 30:5
 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

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