Music

"An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe
This pain
Can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
Ooh... ooh...

Your hand
So small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do
Was keep believing
Was that enough?

Is anyone there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery

Are you still there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here

God help me,
God help me,
God help me
Breathe

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe"

- PLUMB
-written by Tiffany Lee



Heard this song for this first time yesterday.  As I listened I cried.  This was all me a few months ago, and about once a week off and on now a days.

I love how real and raw this song is. (Listening to it is definitely better than reading.)
Tiffany (lead singer of Plumb) wrote this after witnessing a close friend lose her 28day old baby boy. I love how she highlights the real pain that is sometimes always present. It is sometimes hard to wake up, care, breathe, walk in the joy of the Lord and live in His HOPE.

Sometimes...

all you want is...

your baby back.

And other people around you trying to get you to care about their problems
 
or to be engaged...

 or even smile...

are exhausting. and overwhelming.

And it's not that I am self.absorbed or depressed. I don't sit around staring at the ceiling, wishing to die or crying all day. (Though this week has been a struggle).

I know where my sweet baby girl is and that she is so happy... but that does not magically wipe away all the pain or distress.

I know that Jesus is in control and writing a new story for our family (One that we never wanted, but are learning to trust Him with), but that doesn't make living and trying to enjoy each day a chore sometimes.

Trying to get excited about a new baby girl, but questioning yourself every other day, wondering why you are doing all this preparing.

Wondering if God is going to ask for this baby, too.

 Wondering if you already love her too much.

Wondering if you will be taking down all the pink and packing away all things that say there could have been a baby here...sooner than you could possibly imagine doing....again.

There is also a song I have recently heard called "Strip Me" by Natasha Bedingfield. I really like the beat, but the words caught me the other day and made me think about what has happened since losing lil G.

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need
That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'll be alright  ....."

She is definitely not talking about losing a baby... however, I feel like when you lose part of your very soul, you are stripped.

Left bare.

Left without.

Left empty.

 Then, you begin see who you really are as you pick up all the pieces and put yourself back together again.

I know God has been with us every single second and had everything in His Hands.

I know He has truly stripped me by losing my baby girl...

so He could see what He would find in me.

so He could make me a new person.

so He could refine me, strengthen me, change me, prepare me for the future He has in mind.

so He could remind me that lil Lumpy was not mine in the first place....

she never was.

and so He could help me try to hold as loosely as (humanly possible) to lil Squishy so she is always being given back to Him, even in the womb....so He can do want He wants with her precious little life.