But If Not...

 A few weeks ago, a visiting Pastor gave a very challenging sermon on Daniel that I have wanted to write about since, but am just now making the time to do so. I was very convicted by it and have been thinking on it since then in regards to some struggles I am having right now.

Daniel was a man who worshiped the Lord...no matter what the cost. Daniel had 3 friends named  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were also determined to honor God in the midst of a pagan nation.

They all four stood firm in their faith among the Babylonian people on several significant matters.

When looking up different thoughts on Daniel, I found this from a pretty cool website. "The determination of Daniel and his 3 friends to remain loyal to the Lord speaks volumes about the value of the parental training they must have received. When God-fearing parents put spiritual interests first in their lives and teach their offspring to do the same, their children are very likely to resist whatever temptations and pressures that may arise at school or elsewhere."

You may be familiar with "Daniel and the Lion's Den" and  "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the Fiery Furnace" from Sunday School as a kid. These are the stories I wanted to write a little bit about real quick. Especially the Fiery Furnace, and the character of the three, how they trusted God. No. Matter. What.

"As was common at the time, King Nebuchadnezzar built a huge golden image and commanded all the people to fall down and worship it whenever they heard the sound of his musical herald. Anyone who failed to bow and worship the image would be thrown into an immense, blazing furnace.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were determined to worship the One true God only, and thus were reported to the king. Courageously they stood before him as the king pressured the men to deny their God.

They said, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)"

When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego courageously took their stand before Nebuchadnezzar, they didn't know with certainty that God would deliver them. They had no assurance they would survive the flames. But they stood firm anyway, even in the face of death.

I found this picture and I love it. It kinda makes me cry. (But that's because I'm pregnant. Ha.) I love how Jesus is there (I know it could be an Angel, but to me, it's Jesus) with them. WITH THEM. In their pain and suffering, protecting them. They survived, came out unscathed. Even the guards who threw them in, passed away because it was too hot to even be near. Yet, God, in His mercy and sovereignty decided it best to save them from death. I love that.

We have faced death in a different kind of way this past year. We have not backed down from our faith. It has been hard, I have said choice words to God at times, but He has always forgave me and helped me see through His eyes and from His perspective.

 Since we have another little girl very close to making her grand entrance, I have struggled with joy and fear at the same time at different times throughout the whole pregnancy.

I really....really would love the privilege and blessing of being her Mom...on EARTH. Through losing Greyson, I have learned that it's not just a guarantee you get to be a parent... and it's not something you just get because you deserve it or "it's that time in my life that I get this".  I have tried to hold loosely to this little baby girl, but yah right.

 She's part of me, part of us, attached to my body and my soul... it's too late.

I can't love her less or think "if the same thing happens, it'll be easier this time".

Nope.

Even though parts of my heart is expecting tragedy again, the other part is rejoicing in the hope He has given us...
I have found my prayers lately to be somewhat like the words the 3 friends of Daniel's announced to the King...

"My God is able...
 to deliver us from death ...
 But if not...
We will still walk with You, Lord... I will still follow you. I will still trust You."

We know He is able to give us a healthy little girl, one who lives longer than us, one that never stops breathing in our arms, one we do not have to plan a funeral for, or ever say good-bye to longer than we want. A little girl we can disciple, train, help grow, teach, love, bless, and enjoy. A little girl we can give back to Him each day. (which may even prove harder than we know. It already is hard with her just in my belly, who am I kidding.) ( Every morning I wait for her to move before I even pray or start the day. If she doesn't move, I literally move her whole body until she does. I am sure she is already irritated with her Mama, haha)


BUT IF NOT... if we don't get a healthy little baby... will we? Will we? Can we? Because some days I think about that...and wonder...what it would be like say good-bye again, so soon.
I would want to grab my husband and stand in front of a train. No questions asked.

And would anyone blame us?

But, after this sermon, and after going through the book of Philippians and Paul saying how he couldn't WAIT to suffer for the Lord...and how it is a PRIVILEGE and how we get to KNOW HIM DEEPER because of suffering... My heart is somewhat softer and more "open" to this idea of trusting NO MATTER WHAT. And knowing He gave us her, baby girl #2, for today, but maybe not tomorrow.

That is where I am at today.

Waiting & praying eagerly for labor to start in a couple weeks.

Looking forward to holding this lil girl in my arms, flesh and blood, ALIVE... nursing her, kissing her and  looking forward to all the things that I miss about Greyson...

and hoping I don't have to give her back so soon...

BUT if we do.... being able to say

Lord whom we serve, you are able to save her....

But if not...