Thursday, October 11, 2012

Happy Birthday to my Baby

I'd take a shot in the chest to have this moment back. Or to even have one moment cuddling with her today on her 4 month birthday, but really I'd take that every day. Every hour.
I stopped counting weeks of her birth and weeks since her death awhile back. Not because I made myself stop, but I just..forgot. Grace from Jesus? I don't know.

 I will not forget, however, the 11th of every month. It actually snuck up on this month. Last night, I was reading in Romans and reading a book on dealing with infant loss...and happened to look at the calendar. Boo.

But ya know, I am making it through. I have been alone most of the day, though my hubby works in our living room (so blessed & thankful I get to fix him breakfast and lunch each day, and sneak kisses and hugs whenever I want) but Jesus has been with me. I have felt His Spirit so strong within me and around me. I know He has me. He has us. He is holding Greyson until I get there.
I have heard from a few people, including my Mom, who have remembered her. I appreciate that so much. It so stinks to not be able to celebrate her today in the way every new Mom would want. I feel cheated. I feel envious of all the new Mom's out there getting to celebrate each week, each month, each milestone with their babies. They have nothing that should ever even come close to a complaint about how difficult it must be to learn how to be a new Mom.

I have cried a lot today. As I woke up, as I took a walk, a shower, as I'm typing this... Grief is hard consuming stuff. I'm over it. I wish I could grab the way I used to be, feel, live and just forget about all the pain and trauma... but I have to trudge through it, til I am out of of it.

Not over it, just out of it.

 I love how Jesus just knows. He knows what we need when we need it. He knows how to give good gifts, He knows how to distract us and help us refocus our attentions. I am praying that the Lord keeps me so occupied enjoying life that I do not dwell on the former things. I will never ever forget my lil G, but I can live in the day that God has made and given me and live it to the fullest. If I can find joy, cool. If I can find hope, cool.

I find joy in the fact that God has chose to adopt me as His precious daughter and He has done the same for baby Greyson. He is for me, not against me, He will cause everything to work together for GOOD. For His good.

Find rest my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him... (Ps 62:5)
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint...(Jer 31:25)

Can I do this...this grief thing...without complaining? A good question I was being asked this morning by Jesus. I read a devotional that spurred that thought from Him on...
Talking to Jesus as much as I want about the difficult path I am on tempers my thoughts and helps me see things from His perspective.
Talking with others sometimes about this path opens the door to deadly sins such as rage and self.pity.

I have seen it happen firsthand. I start talking. BAM. I literally have rage in my heart that if visible could explode out my ears, nose, mouth. I would vomit it up.
 Hey, maybe that would be easier and just get rid of it. HA!

My rage is like so hidden, even I don't know it's there sometimes. Then all the sudden with no warning, mostly when I am sharing my thoughts/life/heart with others....there it is.
Today, I listened to this hour long sermon as I walked, on.... Anger. Wow, so good. So good.
 I obviously am going to have anger to deal with for something like this.

Anyway, it creeps on me sometimes. I feel it in my clenched jaw as I cry or the stiffness of my body when I am thinking about certain things. I hate it. I hate that something so powerful is inside me. I began praying it away today. Praying that God would release me of my angry heart. I surrendered it, layed it down. There is simply nothing else I have felt like I could do. However, I realized that I can do a few things:

1. Control my tongue, power of life & death
2. Control my thoughts, take them captive

Every time I speak negatively about losing our baby, the anger creeps.
Every time I think about my friends who had babies this summer, the anger consumes.

As I feel tempted to grumble or become angry, I want to go to Jesus, talk it out, open up to Him and allow Him to put his thoughts in my mind and His song in my heart.  I have the power---with Jesus---to take my mind off one thing and to set it on something else!
I have the power---with Jesus---to be able to find things about my life that He has done or given that are GOOD right now, today.

Do I believe that I am complete in HIM??
That the One Thing I will ever need is the One Thing I can never lose.... His Presence.

He was with me from birth. He was with me when Greyson was born, He was there in the bedroom when my Mom brought her in not breathing, He was there at her little funeral and the terrible days after, He is with me today as I *try* to enjoy His presence and remember my baby girl is with Him celebrating... it's not what I'd chose, but it's what is best.

"Give me grace to see beyond this moment here
 To believe that there is nothing left to fear
 You alone are high above it all
 You, my God, are greater still..."

1 comment:

  1. continuing to pray for you guys.
    <3 you are doing such a good job...keep leaning on Jesus!