Fightin'

Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Mercy

 "This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.  

 So he complained to the Lord about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people.  Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”

 The Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
 Then Jonah went out to the east side of the city and made a shelter to sit under as he waited to see what would happen to the city. And the Lord God arranged for a leafy plant to grow there, and soon it spread its broad leaves over Jonah’s head, shading him from the sun. This eased his discomfort, and Jonah was very grateful for the plant.
But God also arranged for a worm! The next morning at dawn the worm ate through the stem of the plant so that it withered away.  
And as the sun grew hot, God arranged for a scorching east wind to blow on Jonah. The sun beat down on his head until he grew faint and wished to die. “Death is certainly better than living like this!” he exclaimed.
Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry because the plant died?”
“Yes,” Jonah retorted, “even angry enough to die!”
 Then the Lord said, “You feel sorry about the plant, though you did nothing to put it there. It came quickly and died quickly.  
 But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people living in spiritual darkness, not to mention all the animals. Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?"

Last week, the Lord really used this chapter to get a hold of my heart. My heart has been angry about losing my lil G. I have felt like she was mine and He had no right to take her. Needless to say, this has been the wrong attitude and will do nothing to help me move forward in the healing process.
Through this chapter, God is telling Jonah that he has no right basically to be angry. He gave him the plant, the plant came quickly and died quickly. I couldn't help but think of lil' Greyson. She came quickly and died quickly...but God created her, gave her to me as a GIFT. I did not earn her or deserve her or get her because she fit into my perfect little plan for life. So, therefore, do I really have a right to harbor anger towards Jesus in my heart?
  I know that this chapter is about an entirely different issue, but the Lord specifically took me to this chapter one day I was having a hard time. He wanted to remind me what is truly "unfair" and what my anger is creating in me. Through that revelation He has given, I have started to move forward in asking Him to remove my anger.

I'm always fightin'. I feel like the enemy is always creeping. Good thing the Lord promises to be near to the brokenhearted, because it feels like the enemy is always so close by, too. Prowling around, looking to devour me, but each and every time I have victory with Jesus, I know he moves further away. I have found Jesus to even be attracted to my weakness, because it shouts out for His power. Hard for me to understand. I have been disgusted by my weakness, I get tired of seeing it, feeling it, being trapped under it, etc. I even told someone the other day that I didn't even really like myself anymore. 
After reading this devotional, talking about Him liking my weaknesses, I felt Jesus tell me that He liked me. He was ok with all my shortcomings, they were opportunities to showcase His power and strength. He even showed me others who liked me.
Day after day, minute after minute, constantly fighting off emotions, feelings, thoughts...it gets so tiresome. I just would look at myself and be like, "Seriously?" 
The Lord is helping me work through this... Removing the only one who doesn't like me...
Reminding me that..."when His eyes are on this child, His grace abounds to me."



I even woke up today with a huge heaviness. Depression. 
Before I even started to open my eyes, I knew this day could go one way or another. I asked Jesus to speak...
He helped me wrap my head around this concept of not allowing my lame feelings overcome my overall thought on life in general or my relationship with Him. His words:
"So, you are going to allow this depression of what you do not have or do not see with your eyes alter your disposition and affect your outlook for life and for this day?"

Then I went on to have some quiet time and read this devotional:
"People tend to think their circumstances determine the quality of their lives. So they pour all their energy into trying to control those situations. They feel happy when things are going well, and sad when things are not as they hoped.They rarely question this correlation between their circumstance and feelings. Yet it is possible to be content in any and every situation. Put more energy into trusting me and enjoying my Presence...."  (Sarah Young)

"I have learned the secret of being content in each and every situation..." Phil 4:12
Became my prayer for today, to learn the secret of being content.

 One of the hardest part of losing my sweet lil girl is resting...and waiting...and trusting..and being content.
Knowing there is nothing I can do to bring her back, fill the overwhelming void where she should be. I can't replace her. For awhile I thought I could. Man, because I just miss her so much. And I deeply desire to be with her.
 But, there is nothing I can do on my own to "fix my little red wagon.". I have to rest and wait and trust.

"Be at rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been so good to you" Ps 116:7.

Stop fighting, my soul. Stop anxiously scurrying about. 

Please....Be at rest.

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On Halloween, my hubs and I went over to our good friends house to make a birthday dinner (Adam's bday 11/1) and pass out candy to lil trick or treater's.

This couple is one of God's great gifts to us. We are seriously so thankful for them. Last night, we were even planning a great get-a-way as couples. :) 
Oh and p.s. if you were wondering, I was dressed up as an "Undercover Superhero/Office Nerd".
Did I work it?