Tuesday, November 13, 2012

5 months

It's now been 5 months to the day that I last held my sweet lil girl.
Five months since I kissed her, held her, smelled her, looked at her, enjoyed her. She was formed so perfectly and beautifully, I mourn the thought of not knowing her more, seeing how she would look at 5 months old and what her lil personality would be like.
The picture above is exactly how I feel almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day, I find myself in that position. The loss of my lil Greyson is sometimes so overwhelming.

I just want her here, in my arms.

I know she is with Jesus and is so full of joy and I am so thankful that because of Jesus, I can see her again. That, is the only thing that gives my heart hope or joy on days like today when all I can do is tell myself "No, don't go there"...when thinking about this day 5 months ago.

I think of my lil sister Leighanna who is probably taking care of here right now, that makes my heart so so joyful and thankful. I think about my other 6 siblings with Jesus, my old youth leader Donna, my sister's 4th baby, Greyson's great grandma, and my sweet friend Naomi...all whom I know are surrounding her right now and celebrating the fact that for 5 months she's been with Jesus... not "gone from me".

I have been considering aspects of the Lord's mercy and compassion more than ever in the last few days. He is telling me it is because of His mercy...and because of His compassion. So, I actually find myself more thankful to Him than ever. He is preparing for us something wonderful through our heartbreak. How can I not thank Him that even though this is the hardest, worst most traumatic thing I have ever gone through, He is having mercy on me...and He is showering us with compassion! He is drawing my heart closer to His, He is closing the gap, He is silencing the enemy who accuses, He is changing me and delighting in me. He is giving me more understanding of Himself and opening my ears to hear and my eyes to see ....HIM.

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek...that I may dwell in His House & gaze upon the beauty of Him." Ps 27:4

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Is 42:6

  I will never forget this awful time,
    as I grieve over my loss.  
Yet I still dare to hope
    when I remember this:
 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease. 
 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning. 
 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him. 
 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
    to the yoke of his discipline
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 
 For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations: 3:20-33 

Thank you, Lord for giving me such a sweet little squishy beautiful baby girl 5 months ago. Thank you for allowing us to be pregnant and carry her safely for 9 months and for a safe delivery. A lot of mother's never get even that. 
 Thank you for taking her to be with you and for what you are doing in my heart and my husbands heart and my family's heart as we grieve her. Thank you for your goodness and kindness and for your patience with me as I struggle day in and day out. Thank you for all your gifts. All of them.  


  1. My sweet myssi, I think about Greyson at odd moments thru out each day. Little things remind me of her and I always look at other babies comparing them to how old she is. Thank god for his mercies, they are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness unto us. I know god has great things in mind for you and I cannot wait to see what they are. I also know in a twinkling of an eye, we will be in eternity together, forever and nothing will keep us apart. I look forward to that day, but until then, trust in The Lord will all your heart, do not trust in yourself, but him who alone, holds the future in his hands. I love you very much and am very proud of you. Mom

  2. Love, Mariah (the most awesomest person ever)