Thursday, November 1, 2012

Eyes on ME.

In Matthew 14 & 15, there are so many gems to pick up and take hold of.

One is, after Jesus learned the news of His precious cousin and friend losing his life, He wanted to be alone to grieve. A huge crowd followed and Jesus had compassion on them, taught them, fed them, etc. After this, His next response was to get alone and.... pray.
I look at His heart during this sad time and wonder if I can say I am following in His example. I am anxious about a lot of things, worried about myself, sad and mad at times, can't even smile at others, don't even care about others, always considering my hard time the worst out of everyone who opens their mouths.... (Sometimes I even annoy myself)
Can I stop and see the other hurting people around me long enough to afford them a smile, a hug, a gift, a conversation? Do I get alone and pray, do I desire it?
I have seen myself change in both good and bad ways since losing lil G. But I do love to have sweet fellowship with Jesus, I love to hear Him speak hope and encouragement and joy to my broken heart, at times when I need it the most.
Like today, woke up so sad, feeling so hopeless... have prayed and cried and cried...
The best thing? Sitting in His Presence, waiting for Him to answer my cries...and He did, as He always does...Today, His response to me was:
"I am not bound by time or age or even numbers or days (Is 55:8- my ways are higher, etc), Stop doubting the words I have spoken, eyes on Me."
 His words help. They redirect, reposition my heart to surrender and worship and they renew. Renew my hope.
Yesterday I read the end of Matthew 15, today when I was talking to my Mom (crying as usual), she said, I read this today... I was surprised...because what I read yesterday did not mean as much to me today...for today's issues...and He wanted me to reread it. Relearn from it.
It's when Peter walks on water.
Jesus is doing this cool thing and Peter wants in, so Jesus says sure, come on in! Water's great! So Peter steps out looking at Jesus... then all the sudden begins to gaze so many huge waves and strong wind. BAM Sinking. Jesus calls Peter out on his tiny size faith and asks him why he was doubting? 
What I got from this as I reread it today was, I can "walk on water" as long as my eyes are on Jesus. I can do the unexpected, unbelievable, impossible. I can recover from losing my little girl. I can live and breathe and move and dream and hope.
The second I take one look around me, compare myself to others, look at their blessings, their seemingly easy happy lives, look at the sadness and the sometimes overwhelming bitter cup I am drinking, I am gone. I am literally drowning in my grossness.
This easy concept of "Eyes on Me"....not so easy.  That is why I got off Facebook, off Twitter, stopped talking to certain people either because of their attitude or because they were not pointing me to Jesus or because the reality of their lives was so completely opposite of mine, it would be unbearable until the time was better.
For the last week or two now, I have felt like the Lord has been asking me to "Stop hiding... Use the platform He has given, don't waste this time." Scary, because that means, seriously, I better learn this "Eyes on Me" thing before I even take one step off the boat.
Today, in some of my bad attitudes, I have asked, "What do you want from me,God, seriously? I don't understand.... " I mean, I just feel the spot I am in totally stinks. Thankfully He knows that, and even if He somehow forgot, He knows I'd remind Him. (haha)... But what He wants is surrender.  Surrendor of dreams, thoughts, plans, goals, even hopes. Surrender of expectations, anxiousness, bitterness, unfairness, anger, jealousy. So  MUCH to hand over to Him minute by minute.
He reminded me it's not about us. NOT ABOUT US.
He also reminded me to "keep my hands to the plow" as a good friend back at home in Indy had challenged me with before leaving for Florida.
I honestly don't know what He wants besides all that from me right now, I was more looking for some sort of direction or opportunity or some sort... but that is what I got and I am going with it. I still feel lost, but I know He is with me on this long journey.

A few verses the Lord led me to in my searching today ... (Notice how it is a song for pilgrims)

A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem. A psalm of Solomon.

Unless the Lord builds a house,
    the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
    guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
    from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
    for God gives rest to his loved ones.
Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
    are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
    He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.

I was mostly convicted by the top 2 verses just saying UNLESS THE LORD...  Everything else is a waste....
And of course another reminder to me that children are a GIFT and a REWARD, not an entitlement like I had previously assumed. And we are asking God for a quiver full.

Then I read just above that chapter and these 2 lone verses were on the start of the page for ch 127...

Those who plant in tears
    will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
    but they sing as they return with the harvest.

Praying these things...

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