Thursday, November 29, 2012

not a GOD who wastes time

Something I have said to Adam so many times.... and God, too...

"Why was it necessary for me to carry lil Greyson for 9 long months only for her to live for only 2 very short days?" 

In my anger, I am like, "Waste of time!"

"Not worth it!"     "Why didn't we just miscarry if there was something wrong with her!?".

This morning, I woke up and God reminded me that He knew what He was doing then and He knows what He is doing now.            He does not waste time.

Such a hard concept to grasp as I walk through life without my baby.

He does not waste time. He has a perfect plan for each and every thing that happens. He has miracles waiting for us within each day, if we seek them. He knew that Greyson wasn't going to live past 2 days, yet He saw fit that I carry her anyway, deliver her anyway, get to love her anyway, give her back to Him. I could have had to push a dead baby out. I could have never heard her cry or squeal, and yet He saw fit that I got to experience being a Mom for 2 short days to rebirth in me His purpose. Thank you, Jesus.
It's not a waste of time whatever we are going through. Though it feels like it times.

See, I thought I knew Him. I thought I knew who He was and how He worked, but I didn't. I don't.

I am having needing getting to sit down at His side and ask Him who He is in this huge messy tragedy. If I don't seek out His heart..... His character, I will get lost in the questions and anger. One of my friends who has lost a baby, too said that..."questioning God is sticky business".  I agree completely.

 I know my questions are valid to Him and as I ask with the right heart and sit and listen for answers, I find that He chooses to answer some. The others, like the ones mentioned above, I may never know.

Another question God asked me this morning before I even got out of bed was, "Can I find JOY and HOPE in prayers God answers in the midst of my heartbreak rather than being upset at the ones He chooses not to answer in my way or my time?

Good grief.

"I have taken you and placed you in this situation highlighting your NEED for me, where your strengths are irrelevant and your weaknesses are glaringly evident. Trust that through these hard times and the ones to come, I am accomplishing MY best work. Needing Me= knowing Me= greatest of all gifts." (Jesus) Sarah Young (paraphrased ish)

He is the Creator, I am the created. He demands I cease to be great in my own eyes and become small so He can become GREAT.

"It is not the well who need a doctor, but the sick." Matthew 9:12

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