Tuesday, November 27, 2012


Never before have I felt such a disconnect from the world and almost all people.

It's not because I don't connect with people, it's just that I carry around with me this overwhelming sense of sadness, grief, apathy, and distance-- that it's so hard to relate to anyone. That is why I say sometimes that I wish I was "normal" again. When I say that, the person hearing doesn't understand.
They see me, I smile, we talk, chat, have deep conversations about life and God, to them I am normal.
It's almost as if "nothing ever happened". One day I was pregnant, the next not, and the next not pregnant and also not with a baby.

To me, I am so beyond what I used to be, sometimes I can't even stand it. The way I view almost everything is so completely changed and almost foreign to me. I get easily frustrated with myself for being stand-off-ish or completely anti-social. Because I used to be friendly. At least, I think I did. I don't know.

I'm trying to survive, not thrive.  And I literally have nothing to say to people sometimes. I hate it when people come up to me and want to talk about life with this huge smile on their faces.
Please don't ask me how I am or who I am, or what I do. (this does not apply to friends p.s.) :)

Do I sound mad?

I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated that I am stuck in this spot while it feels like everyone else around me m.o.v.e.s.....o.n...  and it's not that my life is terrible, or that they shouldn't be moving forward in the plan God has for them. I'm learning to be thankful and content each and everyday while I trust the Lord through my suffering. I look ahead with gladness most times and can have fun more than I used to.

I am praying for a capacity to c.a.r.e again.
I am praying that even if people around me cannot or do not understand me, that God looks at me with approval of what Jesus is doing in my heart.
I am praying that I can suffer through Greyson's death gracefully and lovingly. Not in anger or bitterness.
I am praying that even though to me it seems I am just not fun to be around, that people see Jesus in me through every word, even the ones they don't understand.

The fact that the Lord chose me to grow a baby in my belly only to give her back to Him so so so quickly, so she could be with Him.... humbles me. He knew before I was born that was part of the plan that He had for me. He knew before Greyson was born, she only needed 36 hrs on earth to carry out every part of His will for her little life. To consider that God chose us to be her parents and chose us to suffer by losing her, to learn to walk in desperation and complete trust in Him as we grieve, to give us hope for each new day after losing her, leaves me in awe. I sometimes just stare at her pictures and just shake my head. It's so hard to understand, to step back and see from His perspective, to understand WHY a full 9 months and 36 hours was a necessary part of His plan and perfect will...

I am full of thankfulness to my Father. For allowing such a life-changing tragedy to draw my heart to His, my eyes to His, my thoughts to His, to show compassion on me in that way.
At first I was jealous of others who never had to go through something like this, then I became thankful, because I realize how God desires to use tragedy's/trials and people who walk through them with Him by their sides to shine His light to the world.

Just yesterday, a friend I got together with, texted me after saying how thankful she was for our friendship and how she felt so happy and encouraged after being with me. My jaw dropped naturally, because of all the feelings I mentioned above... then I thanked Jesus, that she can even see Him in me to feel that way after a 2 hour time of chatting over coffee. Because I sometimes walk away feeling more alone and misunderstood that ever, not because of anything she said or did, just .....because.
I am sure it's hard to identify with a person in my position, maybe?

Been considering the story of Saul, who became Paul.

15But the Lord said, “Go, for Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel. 16And I will show him how much he must suffer for my name’s sake.”
17So Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized. 19Afterward he ate some food and regained his strength.
Saul in Damascus and Jerusalem
Saul stayed with the believersd in Damascus for a few days. 20And immediately he began preaching about Jesus in the synagogues, saying, “He is indeed the Son of God!”
21All who heard him were amazed. “Isn’t this the same man who caused such devastation among Jesus’ followers in Jerusalem?” they asked. “And didn’t he come here to arrest them and take them in chains to the leading priests?”
22Saul’s preaching became more and more powerful, and the Jews in Damascus couldn’t refute his proofs that Jesus was indeed the Messiah

Saul was living one way, headed a direction he thought fit. God stopped him in his tracks, blinded him, spoke to him and gave him His Spirit, told him how much he would suffer and commissioned him out to preach. A complete 180'
Through losing Greyson, I have seen "something like scales" falling from my eyes. I see differently and think differently, ( even though I know I have attitude sometimes... :)  ) I pray my "preaching" (talking, meeting, attitude) becomes more and more powerful and people see Jesus more clearly in me (and my hubby) as we travel down this road toward healing.

I am slowly becoming truly thankful for the fact that God has us as "His chosen instruments." and that He has chosen us, period. :)


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  4. After reading your post I couldn't help but remembering the first couple of weeks after my mom passed away.

    A friend of mine had a birthday party. I fought with my dad that I didn't want to go, that I wasn't feeling well. He forced me to go. All I can remember was all these people around me and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. Life was moving on. People were celebrating, but me; I was wrecked. I was grieving and a party was the absolute last place I wanted to be.

    Grief and anguish are so weird. They force you to distance yourself from the very people who are trying to help. You don't want to be "cheered up." You want to be left alone.

    I think I told you about a friend of mine, one of my college roommates. He and his wife lost their little girl in January. They knew she was going to die at their 5 month ultrasound. A video was made. Here is their story.


    I can't help but read your words and grieve with you. I fought for so long. I hardened my heart. I vowed to never let this world get to me again. It was a long journey for me to allow this world to touch me. (Spoiler, you are a part of that story.) God was patient. He listened, offered comfort when I would take it. He opened his arms and beat him, but all the while He was there waiting for me, waiting for me to say, "OK, I'm done."