Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Plain White Walls & Purpose

Struggling with numbness.
I feel like I could sit and stare at a plain white wall for hours & be fine with it.
I know I've got to get my act together.
But, there's so much pain surfacing.
And I don't care about a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
I want to.
I need to.
I need to fight this off, as usual.
I'm tired of fighting.
I long for joy, for laughing, for exciting things to look forward, for hope.

Today, as I deal with all these things, I also have stuff on my mind that I have found that I do care about. Things I am thankful for. So, why I want to be an empty soul, Jesus will not let me. Though I long to shut down fully, Jesus will not allow it.

So, He has put some fresh things on my mind:

Art- I am creative. How do I find that passion and use it.
Crafts/Books/Etsy Store. Anything?
Working out. Cooking.
Photography? Love it/Hate it.

Blah. All these things I enjoy, but am only starting to sort of think about caring about.
I wonder if I don't want to let myself enjoy anything and that's why I am stuck.
For fear I will find something.
Find value in my life again.
 Find purpose.
 My purpose was supposed to be her.
 I still want it. I still want her. Every minute.
I don't want to forget her, my Greyson Eliana, my lil GEM, my tiny lil dark 5 pounder, so squishy and squeaky.
 If I find a new purpose.... do I lose her?
I chose my purpose, but God has something else in mind for this time. Something better. (vomit)
Pray I grab a hold of His purpose and that I stop hating it.

Things, that on this sunny Florida morning, Jesus has opened my eyes to see and thank Him for:

*dreams from my hubby
*pillow mountains to block the too early daylight savings sunrise.
*birds that look like storks and jokes about bringing us another baby
*birds that sound like dinosaurs that my hubby chases down "trying to befriend"
*talks of a picnic lunch on the lake because he knows I've been down.
*morning hugs
*fresh milk from a generous "You first" husband
*fresh reminders from a God who cares about me & the dreams He has given me.
*soft chocolate chip cookies

Things on my mind this morning:

*second miracles (Mark 8/Matthew 15)
*America's ignorance & downfall
*packing up to go home for 8 weeks & all the Holidays
*excited to be around people more often
*dreading the dreariness of Indiana winter & being cold
*wondering where God is leading me
*working through true surrender and expecting nothing in return

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