Fairness vs Righteousness

Tonight, a wave of jealousy came over me.

I was attempting to avoid the situation all together that I knew would cause that by aiming for ignorance.

Psh.

I am all the sudden thrown into the only downward spiral of the fairness of life.... I look around... and I see what I want to see; what my envious heart needs to see in order to feed the envy. I forget all the other things... the blessings.

How can I say, "Wow, that is so so unfair" and "Thank you, Lord" at the same time? It's impossible.

I have heard of so much news today; bad & irritating, sad, good & great.

All in 1 day.

Life changes for so many people, so many friends.

 In just a few short hours, life can change so much, we are thrown into praise and joy or grief and sadness.... It's like a cycle. Too much of one could leave us forgetting God and too much of the other can leave us very vulnerable to sin.

In my life, looking back on a few huge milestones, I see that in just a few days, hours, moments, life is forever changed....

I remember being set free from a 5 year eating disorder in the span of 3 weeks.

 I remember living through a high- speed head-on collision with bad knee injuries, but my heart still beating.

I remember marrying my best friend after praying for a husband for years.

 I remember birthing my pretty lil baby on June 11th, thinking, "Wow, I can't believe she is mine!"

I remember having to say good-bye to her 2 days later in the E.R. wishing I was dying with her.

In all those life-changing days, I mostly remember GOD...

Who was there and is with me now. Who allowed miracles to happen and spoke comfort and joy to me throughout those days.... plus many more I can't even remember.

A few days ago, I read the verse, "The Lord is righteous in all He does." (Psalm 145:17) I was preparing for an emotional/irritating day the next day and was super thankful to have that verse to hang on to. I wouldn't have really liked that verse or even accepted it as truth until the very day I read it last week because I was still struggling with that issue.

But, I truly believe that and know know know that He is in control, knows exactly what He is doing and is righteous no matter what. I can't question Him, even though I want to sometimes or maybe not even question, just proclaim the unfairness I feel so strongly at times. (Why did they get a healthy baby and we did not?) (ETC.!!!!!) (Wait, that is a question! Blast!) 


If He is righteous in ALL He does, then, He is most certainly not missing a moment and k-n-o-w-s  everything that did happen, is happening and will happen.... and He... is.... Wisdom. ...and He is Righteousness.

So, now that I have been reminded of His righteousness in my heart of "unfairness", and just the tiny lil list of only the big miracles in my life, ( there are soooooooo many little miracles thru out the course of even 1 day!)  maybe I can sleep in a thankful heart towards Him who is before all things, and in him all things hold together (Col 1:17)  and I can praise Him for the huge blessings He has given my hubby and I this year, from start to finish. 

I have everything to be thankful for and my heart rejoices at the thought of being His daughter and Him listening to my cries for 5 months and answering us at each and every step and always knowing what was and is best!

Good grief.

It has taken literally 5 months to say some of those things out loud....and believe them.

Thank you for molding and softening my heart, Lord... so I can see who you really are in this mess.