Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Letters to my Lumpy

Another birthday "celebrated" without you here, my sweet lil baby. My lil Lumpy, as your Daddy called you in my belly.

I have thought about you all day, cried for you numerous times. I watched your after-birth video that is 2.5 minutes of sweetness of you, but death to my soul.

I should have you on my hip, doing everything with me today. You should be eating a tiny lil cupcake with a pink sparkly "G" on it.

6 months is a long time for a baby to be away from her mommy.

6 months is a long time for a mommy to be alone without her baby.

Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever heal.

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalms 13:2)

I love you more than words, Greyson. I never knew that I could love someone so much besides your Daddy. We talk about you all the time and wonder what life would have been like with you here.

 We would have been so excited to celebrate what we thought was going to be our first Christmas together as a lil family with you. I would have loved to shopped and got you some fun stuff and cool boxes to rip open. It would have been fun to buy you cute Christmas dresses and make you cute hairbows. Instead it's just us trying to get through it, we haven't even cared to finish decorating our tree.

The thing is, I know with all my heart you are actually being celebrated up in Heaven. I imagine you sitting on Jesus' lap, being bounced around and cuddled and kissed by Him and your Uncle's & Aunts (Drew & Leighanna especially.)  I know you are happy and full of joy and delight and probably cuter than words. You are in a place where the sun never sets, you never go hungry, cold or unloved. I love that thought. My soul finds rest in that thought alone.

(I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul.  Psalm 31:7)

I love you my lil hisperican. You were such a beautiful gift to me and I didn't even realize that to the fullest until you were gone.   (Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3)

 I'm living for my last day on Earth, where I can run into Jesus' arms and where you can finally run into mine.    

                        Your Mommy

 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God who saves me.
    All day long I put my hope in you.  -Psalms 25:5

Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,
    all you who remain in Israel.
I have cared for you since you were born.
    Yes, I carried you before you were born. -
Isaiah 46:3

Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. -Psalms 116:7 

1 comment:

  1. I know how hard the anniversaries are. These days are so much more difficult than others. This is a lovely post though. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.