Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Somehow this week, the Lord has really been impressing upon my heart this idea of submission.

I'd like to think I have come a long way from Wednesday through today, as I have struggled with my anger, rage, bitterness, sorrow, etc.

I am asking the Lord to help me stop asking Him "Why?". At least a couple handfuls of times a week, I find myself pouting to Him with that simple question. One night this week, I was cleaning a Foodbank, mopping the floor and that question just began spilling out of me. Another night, I was helping someone move, I heard a boy say just the word, "Mom"...and from there, I just became angry and asked the Lord, "Why me?" again...

For some reason I think I deserve something better than the hand I've been dealt. Why? Is it because I look around and compare myself to others, even other believers? I see them and wonder why I am not "the favorite" or wonder what I did to get what I got. I say it's unfair.

I remember about 6 weeks after losing lil G, I woke up in a rage type attitude towards the Lord. I was accusing and whining and crying and blaming and asking... asking W-H-Y? After I asked all my why's and told Jesus what He chose for me was 500% not fair, Jesus began to whisper back all the things that were in fact unfair about my life compared to others.

He listed all my blessings. Even the blessings I still can't believe are blessings. He said, Myssi, it's "unfair" you are saved, "unfair" you have a loving sweet godly man for a husband who would do anything for you, who works hard and adores you, it's "unfair" you have a Christian family who has done nothing but minister to you this summer, it's "unfair" you survived labor and got to hold and feed your baby and hear her sweet cry's. Even for just 36 hours.

The list goes on.

I have an unthankful heart because I expect my life to be exactly what I want. When even one thing is off, I get mad. I blame God. It's not that I forget Him in the good times, it's just that the good times are all I care to praise Him for.

Job: shall we accept good from God and not trouble? 
Solomon: Accept the way God does things, who can straighten what He has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Paul: I have learned in whatever circumstance to be content.

Jesus: Not my will, Lord, but yours be done.

This is such a strange concept for me (a human), to be thankful truly thankful for each and every thing, whether good or bad. And who is to say what is truly "good" or "bad"? We don't see what the Lord see's.

 I want to. I pray to.

So, basically I have arrived at this new place in my heart. Saying out loud, "Lord, I submit myself to your will..." as often as it takes until it is true. As often as I find myself reliving the birth and death of our baby girl, as often as I see others who "have what I want".... until my will is lined up with His and I accept it all...as a gift....with thankfulness... and joy.