Monday, January 20, 2014

If she didn't....then we wouldn't...

Was having a conversation with my sweet hubby the other day. We were just playing with Blakely and commenting on sweet she was and how fun she was. A lot more work than we anticipated, worth it and so fun.
Our chats went back to big sis Greyson. hIw should we a year and half now and wow, our lives would be full, but wow how we wish she could be apart of our family here on earth.
We wonder what she knows of us and we hope Jesus and others are filling her in. We imagine her so excited all the time for when we finally get to be altogether. If I was her, I would be! Always curious, always waiting, always asking if today was the day...
We so wish things were different. So badly. But we also realize gods sovereignty in pain and timing and in His plan. We have moved past 98% of the questions and just enjoy the blessing of little Blakely.
We remember a few days after GReyson died in that June. Waking up to horrendous pain, and drought and 100' heat... Crying out to God for mercy to just make it through this one day...and HE spoke.
He told me that He was giving us another baby.
And specifically another baby girl.

 I told my husband first and my Mom next. We wept thinking this could never be possible and thinking how wonderful it would be. Full of doubt, but expectation.

AndI remember sitting at my 22 weeks Ultra Sound, with 4 months of convincing myself this was a boy, I would be happy and a girl would come later. I remember being jealous still of everyone having girls. We were in shock when she said "girl".

Yet,here we are. 1.5 years later from the time The Lord spoke HIS plan to my heart....with a heathy beautiful sweet baby girl who loves us and has brought us so much healing. SO much.

It's hard to imagine the "why's" anymore but I do sometimes wonder why BLakely is here and Greyson is not. When I come to that, I just simply stop and become thankful.

And as my hubs and I were chatting the other day, he said, "It's hard to believe it, but if Greyson WAS here,  Blakely would not be."

Made my heart a little sad. And thankful at the same time. Most people don't have to choose between children or just be "happy because they have something rather than nothing."

I would rather have both, but I know in time, I will...

Until then, we rejoice in everyday we get with our second baby girl and are so thankful God spoke blessing over our lives , even in tragedy. And we are thankful in the way He used lil GReyson's  two short days to show Himself to us and many others and how He has plans to continue to use her in the years to come.

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