This business of being pregnant with baby #2 after losing baby #1...is.... really.... hard.
Much harder than I thought it would be.
I pray. Constantly. But I fear. Constantly. In my dreams. In my wake. I had no idea it would be like this. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to "control myself" and just "be excited" and just thankful the Lord allowed us to have another sweet baby.
I really feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am allowing my joy to be robbed of me. Only like twice have I had an "Oh man, I am so excited to be Mom to a baby here on earth!" or "Man, in 5 months or less, a lil baby will be in my arms again!" moment. I really am needing more of those. I really am praying for God's Eyes on this one.
Praying to calm down, relax and....
TRUST JESUS.
I know I can.
Tomorrow my baby would be 8 months old. For a few days, I actually thought she was turning 9 months old. That makes me mad. Mad, that I can't remember because my head is so full of stupid stuff. Mad because my lil girl isn't here everyday so I can remember how old she'd be. Mad because I feel like I am forgetting.
I can't believe she'd be 8 months old. Crawling, being cute, being here... ugh. It literally rips my heart out to even think about.
*One* thing and one thing only has God given me to rejoice in... is the simple fact that I can have no greater joy than to know my baby is right there with Him. Like John said,
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4)
I will never have to worry about the condition of her soul, never have to worry if she is walking with the Lord truly.... because she is already there, with Jesus, experiencing everything she was made for. Waiting for me. That is something to be thankful for.
I am just really disappointed (to say the least) that I haven't had the blessing of being a mom to her for the past 8 months, learning what that means.
But as I was complaining to God about that, He just gently reminded me that what He has done/is doing/will continue to do in my Soul over the past 8 months (and beyond) as I am learning to grieve and heal, is far beyond measure to simply learning how to be a Mom. He values that, of course. But He had a work to do and is still working. Drawing me closer and closer to Him, continuing to put me in places of utter need for Him. Strengthening my faith. Teaching me through one of his greatest gifts; affliction.
And now we are moving into a different phase of learning and healing. He is wanting to hold my hand and walk with me through this pregnancy:
...Help me be so ok with whatever and so assured as to what is to come that my heart can settle down and maybe even rejoice.
...So my heart can learn to trust Him with those most precious to me.
...So my heart can trust Him to keep me from drowning...and keep my eyes off the waves.
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