Wednesday, April 24, 2013


"An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe
This pain
Can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
Ooh... ooh...

Your hand
So small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do
Was keep believing
Was that enough?

Is anyone there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery

Are you still there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here

God help me,
God help me,
God help me

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe"

-written by Tiffany Lee

Heard this song for this first time yesterday.  As I listened I cried.  This was all me a few months ago, and about once a week off and on now a days.

I love how real and raw this song is. (Listening to it is definitely better than reading.)
Tiffany (lead singer of Plumb) wrote this after witnessing a close friend lose her 28day old baby boy. I love how she highlights the real pain that is sometimes always present. It is sometimes hard to wake up, care, breathe, walk in the joy of the Lord and live in His HOPE.


all you want is...

your baby back.

And other people around you trying to get you to care about their problems
or to be engaged...

 or even smile...

are exhausting. and overwhelming.

And it's not that I am self.absorbed or depressed. I don't sit around staring at the ceiling, wishing to die or crying all day. (Though this week has been a struggle).

I know where my sweet baby girl is and that she is so happy... but that does not magically wipe away all the pain or distress.

I know that Jesus is in control and writing a new story for our family (One that we never wanted, but are learning to trust Him with), but that doesn't make living and trying to enjoy each day a chore sometimes.

Trying to get excited about a new baby girl, but questioning yourself every other day, wondering why you are doing all this preparing.

Wondering if God is going to ask for this baby, too.

 Wondering if you already love her too much.

Wondering if you will be taking down all the pink and packing away all things that say there could have been a baby here...sooner than you could possibly imagine doing....again.

There is also a song I have recently heard called "Strip Me" by Natasha Bedingfield. I really like the beat, but the words caught me the other day and made me think about what has happened since losing lil G.

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need
That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'll be alright  ....."

She is definitely not talking about losing a baby... however, I feel like when you lose part of your very soul, you are stripped.

Left bare.

Left without.

Left empty.

 Then, you begin see who you really are as you pick up all the pieces and put yourself back together again.

I know God has been with us every single second and had everything in His Hands.

I know He has truly stripped me by losing my baby girl...

so He could see what He would find in me.

so He could make me a new person.

so He could refine me, strengthen me, change me, prepare me for the future He has in mind.

so He could remind me that lil Lumpy was not mine in the first place....

she never was.

and so He could help me try to hold as loosely as (humanly possible) to lil Squishy so she is always being given back to Him, even in the He can do want He wants with her precious little life.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Ten Months

So tomorrow would mark my baby girl's 10 month birthday.

And I am now 6 months pregnant with baby girl #2. We're listening to music together  on our "Belly Buds" right now as I type, just like her older sister and I did almost every night, too.

I'm still missing lil Greyson like crazy and can't believe I have had to live these past 10 months without her. I hate it.

I get so envious sometimes of other Mom's out there who take it for granted that they have a healthy baby they got to keep. They had 1 pregnancy which resulted in 1 baby, or 3 which resulted in 3, etc.
I feel thankful, but I feel cheated. I feel blessed, but sometimes still jealous. I feel content, but irritated sometimes listening to other Mom's complain. I feel hopeful about baby #2, but still scared. I feel more like myself some days...but then other days, I don't even know what I'm thinking or doing.

I feel thankful for all the true friends who have surrounded me these last months, but sometimes I feel so alone due to the fact that most people have no idea what this feels like and they never will. And I am glad about that for them.

I feel like the worst could be over.

I feel thankful for a God and Father who knows me by name and chose me as His daughter and has carried me through the darkest part of my life.

I feel thankful for the hope of the chance to be this little girl's Mom soon, but also try to remember that I am her Mom even now. I pray I cherish each moment we have together now, while praying the rest of this pregnancy FLIES by so I can just have her in my arms. I sometime cannot stop crying as I think ahead and look forward to that day.

I feel thankful that I am even pregnant again, so soon, even though I complain sometimes about it.

I wish my lil G could be here to welcome her new little sister into the world in 3 months. I wish I could see what she would look like as a 10 month old. I wish I didn't have to try to celebrate her 1st birthday soon, I wish ....

I wish I could reconcile within myself that I will never be like everyone else.
That this is exactly how God has it. His perfect plan. He knows best.

I can be resentful and envious of everyone else or I can be thankful and continue walking with Him and thanking Him no matter if there's "nothing" to thank Him for.

I can look forward in hope knowing that yes it's been 10 months since I have held my sweet lil baby girl, but I am that much closer to not only seeing her again...but holding the gift that her baby sister will be. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Natural DIY Products

Wanted to take a post and share some Natural DIY face/body/hair products that I have made and been using for 3 weeks now and loving. Some I found the recipe on Pinterest, others I just made up!

The first is Body Butter. I normally have been putting this on before bed, because it does leave your skin so smooth, but also somewhat greasy.
It's great for me trying to keep my skin moisturized so as not to get stretch marks. I didn't get any with Greyson, but if lil Squish is bigger than her, it could be a different story.
Baby Lotion. (Organic)
medium size tub of Vaseline
1.5-2cups of Coconut Oil
5-8 Vit E Tablets squeezed in or just Vit E Oil
Vanilla (if you want that scent)

You literally just dump all these products in a bowl and mix them with a mixer on high for 5-8 minutes. The coconut oil will kind of turn into a whip, which is awesome. Then dump it in a cool container like this one.
Again, it is greasy, so right before you get dressed in the morning is not ideal. I am going to try to get mine less greasy next time so I can replace my store bought lotion 100%.

*I made a travel size Face Lotion last week with just Coconut Oil and the leftover Shea Butter. Lovin this as well.

Face Wash
I tried this out in travel size before making a huge batch. But I am loving this! No chemicals, no detergents, no dry face... just pure goodness.
2 TBS Olive Oil
2 TBS Baby Shampoo/Wash
2 TBS Water
2 TBS Coconut Oil melted
Baking Soda.

(click to buy!) The reason there is no measurements for the baking soda is because a. I cannot remember how much I used and b. you can kind of eye it and make it as watery or thick as you want. I'd pour in a TBS at a time and see how you like it. You really don't need too much, it's just an added cleanser and exfoliater.  As you can tell in the picture above, mine is pretty runny. You only need a dime size when washing your part? Removes make-up! It may take your face a few days to get used to it, just definitely put lotion on after using. And shake before you use!

Almost done...

End of the Day Face Wipes
First you need an air-tight container.  I am using an old Neutrogena face-wipe box. Works great.

Air-Tight container
Paper Towels cut up to fit into the box you use

Equal Parts:
Coconut Oil (melted)
baby wash/shampoo
1-2cups of warm water

Mix Coconut Oil and Baby wash. Warm up water, mix in other 2 ingredients, then pour over paper towels in the bowl. Lift the layers and flip over to soak up the mixture. Keep doing until all the cut-up towels are wet, back and front. Wring them out if you have to or mix up more to pour over. Depends on your bath size. I just made about 50 to start off and try them.
There are different ways to make these, so I'd recommend making a small batch and then if you don't like, trying a different one.

I use these mostly every night and then put on a tiny bit of lotion.

I will actually modify this recipe and use it on lil baby girl for cleaning, etc.

Last thing...

Baking Soda Shampoo
The middle bottle that says "S" was what I made up and tried.
It was 1 cup of warm water and 1 TBS of Baking Soda, shaken well.

This is not fun to shampoo your hair with. No lather. BUT, I actually am getting used to it and would recommend trying it. It cleans your hair like it's supposed to. I then used the Redken All Soft conditioner and then Jojoba and Moroccan Oil as I dried and straightened. Turned out great. I won't do this every wash since I deep condition my hair 1-2x a week still and that much Coconut and Olive Oil in my hair would not come out with just baking soda.
My hair felt really soft after this! Every hair texture is different, so you gotta play around until you figure it out. :)

I love that all this stuff is so much cheaper... but mostly I love it because it's so much better for you.