Friday, December 20, 2013

Half Truths

Down here in Florida, everyone talks to my baby and I.

We love it about the half the time.

 She smiles and loves the attention, I like being able to chat with complete strangers (now that I am a mom to a living baby.)

Today, we did not love it.

I had no idea how many times I would be asked once I step outside my home if Blakely is my first.
This has happened since the belly began to pop out last February.

I am almost always on the defense before people even look at me, because I already know it's coming.

Today, I changed it up a bit.

I have never once not acknowledged my firstborn. Normally I have to answer real quick, say, "but oh she died." and watch in silence as they scramble for words or sometimes, just change the subject or sometimes I end up tryin to comfort ...them. :/

People are curious and I'm not mad. It's just hard to always be ripping open a wound with complete strangers all the time.

So, today, I decided to answer differently.

"Aww, she's cute! How old?"

"Thank you, Almost 5 months!"

"She's tiny.... so much she your first?"


"Nope" with a half smile.

"Let me guess, you have a boy?"

"Nope, another little girl"

"Awww, How old?"

Thinks for a minute. Trying to decide....

"18 months"

Blank stare. "Oh my, you are one very busy Mom! I bet your life is so chaotic!!?"


"Well, I hope they are best friends"

Heart ripped open. No response for awhile.

"I hope so, too."

I don't know how I feel about this.

It kinda felt better to me to answer that way to be honest.

 I DO have an 18 month old, I just don't "have her" like everyone else.

I'm tired of talking about her dying.....and to people that mostly will not care.

She's very much alive, just not here.

Plus, I'm missing her a lot as Christmas rolls around. Her second without us. But her second in the presence of the One we celebrate. How cool.

I just wish Blakely could know her...and could have the chance to be best friends with her. We will have to wait for that.

For now, I am just struggling with how to answer people who ask.

I may just settle for the "half truth" for awhile...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

...and all the little children sing Hallelujah

I have wanted to write soo much for the past 3 months.

 Sometimes I will even wake up with a huge long thought...but then the days are full...and I don't come back to the thoughts I had been thinking.

Writing had been part of my healing process and I have missed it. I think I have needed it and I wish I had have kept up. There will never  be the "right time" to make time for it, so here I am.

Blakely is napping before we head to Punta Gorda for a cook-out with friends. (Outside. By their Pool. In the heat!)  It's weird to be typing that as some of my family and friends in the North part of the country are freezing and talking about snow and ice.

Today, while Blakely is sleeping, I wanted to make time to blog. I read a post earlier that struck a cord with me and got my thoughts moving and more tears flowing. Thinking of my precious daughter.
The one who is not here.

The one who turns 18 months old today. Without me. Without her Daddy or her little sister.

Kills me.

Sunday, while we were visiting our friends church in Venice, I was especially overcome with grief.

Stinks when it hits you in a public setting.

You have to attempt to control it, move your thoughts elsewhere, or you'll end up standing in your own puddle of tears while those around you watch in confusion.

We were singing a worship song, I don't even know what it was. (I have noticed that worship brings me "closer to" Greyson. Mostly it's when worshiping at church. Weird way to put it, but you'll understand why soon)

I think it's because I am singing and declaring things to my very soul. And my soul still feels kinda broken from losing her. But my soul is connected to HER...and Jesus... so makes sense.

One part of the song's chorus repeated this phrase... "and all the children sing hallelujah...".
Got me.

I was instantly taken to a vision of my little Greyson standing before the Throne, singing to her King.

...and My King.

He loves loves loves loves LOVES little children. He loves hearing them praise Him. He loves hearing my Greyson sing to Him. Her little dark skin and hair and tiny-ness. Her little tiny voice of squeaks and mumbles. Oh man, how I long to hear that voice.

As much as I love her. As much as I miss her. As much as I want her.

He does.

Even more.

And she loves singing to Him. He showed me that on Sunday. Made my heart happy and sad all at the same time.
He pulls her up onto His lap and cuddles her and kisses her and then sends her toddling on her way.

Part of it kills me to think about. The other part I am so so thankful that Heaven is her HOME and that is where she LOVES to be. That is where she is growing up.

But the other part would do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to be with her.

Jesus has blessed us so much with her little sister. She literally brings so much joy and smiles and healing to us every single day. I really cannot wait for them to meet. We pray everynight that Jesus tells Greysonthat we say "Hi" and that "we miss and love her"

I just wonder what she is up to today, on her birthday.

I long for Heaven.

 I can't wait for her to show me around.

 I can't wait to just look at her.

I can't wait to listen to her sweet small tiny little voice sing praises to our King.

One day....