Thursday, August 30, 2012

the first one...

I really don't know how this works yet. So far, for some reason, it has been confusing. It probably is because I have had a head cold for about 3 days now, so the brain is hurting.

A few people have suggested I start a blog since:
a. I no longer get on facebook or twitter.
b. I like to write
c. I have tons of stuff going through my head now-a-days in light of baby Greyson's death in June.

I hope to be able to be real, yet not too complain-y or fun-suck-y. Haha. I don't know, we'll see. 
Some days it easy to find blessings, other days it's way easier to find the un-fun stuff to dwell on.

Today, I go back and forth. Since I have been sick, I haven't been getting much sleep, so that makes things a little harder. I was also driving earlier and all the sudden, I just imagined my life the way "it was supposed to be" for the millionth time. Those moments always stink hard-core. If I don't pray right away, I will either sob my eyes out or be filled with enough anger to break something.

It may be hard for most people to understand, unless they have experienced the death of a child or a parent, why we can't just "get over it" or "get back up again real quick" and "move on". 
I truly believe with the Lord on our side, whispering to us each moment of need, giving us hope for our future and encouragement through His Word, helping us heal and work through our anger and disappointment, we'd remain down forever.

Also today, I had to call our pediatrician who saw lil Greyson the day before she died. I was on hold for like 7 minutes, the whole time, I had that lump in my throat and an uprising of bitterness. Too much time to think. 

See, while a lot of my friends, who also had babies this summer, are making these same appointments, they are actually taking their babies with them. I am calling so she can explain to us the Coroner's Report we finally got in the mail this week.  While we are praising the Lord for no Congenital Defects,the rest just makes us sad.

Some people have told me it has taken them 3 months to get out of the "fog", other a whole year. We are approaching the 3 month mark and while I definitely do not cry every hour like the first month or every day like the second, I still feel pretty "blah". I really don't know what it is to be honest. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. I have no desire to get to know anyone new. I really have trouble concentrating, especially in large groups. I really don't want to be around people who don't know what has happened or ones who refuse to talk about it. I have nothing to say sometimes. That is the "blah" I feel. But each new day is a gift from the Lord and a chance to spend time with Him being refreshed and renewed and changed and healed. So thankful that Jesus gives us time to heal. 
We know we will not be feeling this way forever. Praise the Lord!

I really am excited at what the Lord has planned. I really truly hope He chooses to use us in other couple's lives in the future who have to go through this. We are so thankful to have Jesus helping us...and that our precious lil 5 pounder is with Him!


  1. you are a most excellent writer and you just nailed it.
    The fog....ahhhh. It never truly leaves, it just changes.
    Know you, Adam and the rest of your family are in our thoughts and prayers, daily.
    I could totally imagine Greyson bossing Jack around in Heaven...her li'l dark self and his completely pasty white self. be still...

  2. hey, thanks. :) Yes, I have heard that about the fog... just changes...
    thanks as always for your prayers... I don't know how we'd do without all our faithful friends praying.
    oh my word, i would give *anything* to just watch them together. You know they are totally friends up there, probably getting into all sorts of trouble. her lil skinny dark self and his pasty white self... gah. <3

  3. I remember being invited to a birthday party shortly after my mom passed away. These were good friends of mine (at the time). I knew their daughter (year older) and their two sons were in scouts with me. It was the absolute last place I wanted to be or go.

    I looked at all the smiling, happy people and felt that they had nothing in common with me. I was at a party, surrounded by people (most of whom I knew) and I felt so alone.

    It's funny that this is a memory I have from back then. I don't remember much from when I was 13.

    I'm praying for you and Adam.