Friday, August 31, 2012

Grey Nails

I painted my nails grey today. Just like I did when I was around 18 wks pregnant and we named our sweet baby girl.

Thought of her. As usual.

I love the color grey, which is one of the reasons we loved the name "Greyson".

Wish I could be painting her lil nails right now... getting her ears pierced, dressing her up in all her cute lil outfits she never got to wear.  I especially wish she could have wore all the cute hair bows my Mom and I made right before she was born.

Trying to hold onto the promises the Lord gave us shortly after she went to be with Jesus...that He will give us another baby girl. I literally sometimes cannot breathe... while I wait.

Part of me died with her it seems.

Carried her for 9 months, delivered her, held her, nursed her, listened to the cutest high pitched cry ever,  bathed her, watched her bring so much joy to my husband and my family...

then rode in the ambulance in shock, prayed my heart out at in the E.R....

saw her looking at us while 15 doctors frantically tried to figure out why they were losing her...

then finally held her in my arms as she took her last breath.

 I cried and cried as Jesus showed up and asked me for her. I gave her to Him saying "Ok, Jesus" over and over as my Mom sang Amazing Grace.

Yep, part of me went with her that day. I may never be the same, I just don't know.

I am so glad she is with Jesus, though.

We are heading the viewing and funeral today of our sweet friend Naomi who also went to be with the Lord. She is now walking with Him in Paradise .... She promised to look after our baby "If she is allowed in that area" she said. Haha.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

the first one...

I really don't know how this works yet. So far, for some reason, it has been confusing. It probably is because I have had a head cold for about 3 days now, so the brain is hurting.

A few people have suggested I start a blog since:
a. I no longer get on facebook or twitter.
b. I like to write
c. I have tons of stuff going through my head now-a-days in light of baby Greyson's death in June.

I hope to be able to be real, yet not too complain-y or fun-suck-y. Haha. I don't know, we'll see. 
Some days it easy to find blessings, other days it's way easier to find the un-fun stuff to dwell on.

Today, I go back and forth. Since I have been sick, I haven't been getting much sleep, so that makes things a little harder. I was also driving earlier and all the sudden, I just imagined my life the way "it was supposed to be" for the millionth time. Those moments always stink hard-core. If I don't pray right away, I will either sob my eyes out or be filled with enough anger to break something.

It may be hard for most people to understand, unless they have experienced the death of a child or a parent, why we can't just "get over it" or "get back up again real quick" and "move on". 
I truly believe with the Lord on our side, whispering to us each moment of need, giving us hope for our future and encouragement through His Word, helping us heal and work through our anger and disappointment, we'd remain down forever.

Also today, I had to call our pediatrician who saw lil Greyson the day before she died. I was on hold for like 7 minutes, the whole time, I had that lump in my throat and an uprising of bitterness. Too much time to think. 

See, while a lot of my friends, who also had babies this summer, are making these same appointments, they are actually taking their babies with them. I am calling so she can explain to us the Coroner's Report we finally got in the mail this week.  While we are praising the Lord for no Congenital Defects,the rest just makes us sad.

Some people have told me it has taken them 3 months to get out of the "fog", other a whole year. We are approaching the 3 month mark and while I definitely do not cry every hour like the first month or every day like the second, I still feel pretty "blah". I really don't know what it is to be honest. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. I have no desire to get to know anyone new. I really have trouble concentrating, especially in large groups. I really don't want to be around people who don't know what has happened or ones who refuse to talk about it. I have nothing to say sometimes. That is the "blah" I feel. But each new day is a gift from the Lord and a chance to spend time with Him being refreshed and renewed and changed and healed. So thankful that Jesus gives us time to heal. 
We know we will not be feeling this way forever. Praise the Lord!

I really am excited at what the Lord has planned. I really truly hope He chooses to use us in other couple's lives in the future who have to go through this. We are so thankful to have Jesus helping us...and that our precious lil 5 pounder is with Him!