Ten Months

So tomorrow would mark my baby girl's 10 month birthday.

And I am now 6 months pregnant with baby girl #2. We're listening to music together  on our "Belly Buds" right now as I type, just like her older sister and I did almost every night, too.

I'm still missing lil Greyson like crazy and can't believe I have had to live these past 10 months without her. I hate it.

I get so envious sometimes of other Mom's out there who take it for granted that they have a healthy baby they got to keep. They had 1 pregnancy which resulted in 1 baby, or 3 which resulted in 3, etc.
I feel thankful, but I feel cheated. I feel blessed, but sometimes still jealous. I feel content, but irritated sometimes listening to other Mom's complain. I feel hopeful about baby #2, but still scared. I feel more like myself some days...but then other days, I don't even know what I'm thinking or doing.

I feel thankful for all the true friends who have surrounded me these last months, but sometimes I feel so alone due to the fact that most people have no idea what this feels like and they never will. And I am glad about that for them.

I feel like the worst could be over.

I feel thankful for a God and Father who knows me by name and chose me as His daughter and has carried me through the darkest part of my life.

I feel thankful for the hope of the chance to be this little girl's Mom soon, but also try to remember that I am her Mom even now. I pray I cherish each moment we have together now, while praying the rest of this pregnancy FLIES by so I can just have her in my arms. I sometime cannot stop crying as I think ahead and look forward to that day.

I feel thankful that I am even pregnant again, so soon, even though I complain sometimes about it.

I wish my lil G could be here to welcome her new little sister into the world in 3 months. I wish I could see what she would look like as a 10 month old. I wish I didn't have to try to celebrate her 1st birthday soon, I wish ....

I wish I could reconcile within myself that I will never be like everyone else.
 
That this is exactly how God has it. His perfect plan. He knows best.

I can be resentful and envious of everyone else or I can be thankful and continue walking with Him and thanking Him no matter if there's "nothing" to thank Him for.

I can look forward in hope knowing that yes it's been 10 months since I have held my sweet lil baby girl, but I am that much closer to not only seeing her again...but holding the gift that her baby sister will be.