Happy Birthday Little Sister

As I write this, my lil 2nd born daughter is sleeping very happily in the middle of our bed, on her belly, with me watching close by from the glider her and I meet at at least 2-3x a night to nurse on.

Today, she turned one month old. Her and I spent the day together; we took a long walk this morning, she took a long nap, ate a bunch, had a warm bath and then went out with her Daddy and I for a tiny little bit tonight.

Throughout the day, as I praised God for one month with Blakely, I couldn't help but be a little sad for not being able to know this joy with Greyson. I cried as I pushed the jogging stroller we bought for Greyson down the driveway. But I rejoiced as I listened to praise music with Blakely quietly napping as we walked. It's such a sweet time, but there is still some "bitter" that sticks around.

I always thought to myself, "Once Blakely is here, there will be no more tears or feeling grief.". I read of other Mom's who lost their first, went on to be blessed with a second, and still dealt with the loss of the first (if not more so, due to lack of sleep, exhaustion, etc.) I always wondered how they could? How was there time or room for more crying?

But then I am a month in now, and I understand more.

I remember Greyson's 1 month birthday, 14 months ago. It was my birthday. It was misery. I remember wondering how things were ever going to "feel better" or "normal" again.... and for the most part...I feel better...since having a living breathing baby girl. I don't really feel normal yet.

I am always waiting for Blakely to... not continue living. My thought process is really messed up. I will be away from her for a moment--- folding laundry, she's napping, I'm in the other room, she's being held by someone away from me, etc....and I come in to find her ...blue in the face... Then my thoughts go to.... how will I respond? What will I do? Is there good enough reception to get 911?
Sometimes before I begin doing something, I think..."Well, what if we end up in the ER again today, will I have this done, or a shower taken, or... ?"

it is really kinda messed up, right?

That is why I don't feel normal.

I don't really feel anxious, but what I just wrote up there makes it seem like I am struggling with fear and anxiety, huh?

Blakely sleeps with a Snuza Hero on.  It's a battery powered alarm that lays on her belly and attaches to her diaper. It monitors her breathing and goes off if after 15 seconds, no movement has been detected. We have one that the battery hasn't lasted very long at all. Like, in the month we've had it, we've gone through like 6. Crazy. Two nights ago, we awoke to it's alarm going off. I was in dead sleep (I have lost TONS in 1 month) so I initially thought it was my husband's alarm to get up and work. It wasn't, both our heart's stopped and we jolted up and started touching her chest and face.... worst feeling ever. Worst. I was like, "Is she breathing?!?!" And it was hard to figure out what to do at that point. (The alarm had just moved away from her diaper and she was fine, didn't even open an eye or jolt during the whole episode) (Cute little chica) By God's grace, we were both able to fall back asleep.

One time, I was nursing little Blakely alone. I started crying and could not stop. I had my eyes closed and all I could think of was Greyson. How the last time she was alive, was nursing and in my arms.... but how the last time I saw her/felt her was when she was taking her last breaths in my arm....turning blue... going to Jesus.

I am sorry if this is too morbid, I am not trying to be. With a newborn, a tiny lil girl, just like Greyson, these things are *constantly* on my mind. I rehearse, prepare, plan, assume the worst---and please--- it's not because I want to... I am not expecting the Lord to give us sorrow upon sorrow... I just am battling through memories and thoughts and fears.

I am not a mess or close to a melt-down or developing a twitch, I just am learning to trust the Lord day in and day out with our little gift from Him, trying to release her to Him each moment I feel afraid and remember she is simply on loan to us, a borrowed blessing. The more I cling, the more I lose.

It's hard when you love something so much.

I didn't get one month with Greyson, like I have had with Blakely. It has been hard and exhausting, but so sweet and healing. I miss her when I am away from her for longer than 10 minutes. I always feel relieved when she is back with me. I look back at the last year and have no idea...no idea...how I continued day in and day out...knowing how I feel after 10 minutes being gone from Blakely...  as minutes turned to days turned to months and now a year...of being away from my little Greyson. My heart aches for her. The only way through that was Jesus. That's all. He was and still is so good to us through it all.

We are thankful for the time we have been given with our second lil babydoll. Each new day I get to wake up and feed her, love her, hold her, watch her... I feel so thankful and blessed.