After our firstborn daughter unexpectedly died of "SIDS" on June 13th, 2012, all...and I mean all I could think about was getting pregnant again.
I really did not care about losing the baby weight, letting my body heal, "giving it time" or anything. All I...and my husband wanted, was to have another baby. I was angry it would take another 9 month pregnancy to get that, but knew it would hopefully be worth it in the end.
We started trying asap and finally got pregnant the very first of November, 2012. Those months were excruciating. Waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Dealing with grief. Drinking the bitter cup. Watching others deliver healthy babies, get pregnant without even trying, etc.
The month I got pregnant, the Lord had laid on my heart to lay everything down- my dreams, anger, jealousy, constant worry and fret over trying to get pregnant, watching dates/times, buying things to help us out, etc. I got rid of everything, asked for forgiveness and tried to focus on something else.
I had lost all my baby weight (40+ pounds in 12 weeks, thank you Jesus) and was a little less stressed than the previous months. The trauma of losing our baby weighed heavily on me, affecting my health, I am sure.
The Lord blessed us with our 2nd baby, we told our friends and family around Christmastime who were all really excited for us.
January-March were really hard, sick and barfing a lot, plus exhausted almost constantly and almost any task seemed overwhelming and just not worth it. Being pregnant AND grieving was very hard.
On top of all this, I asked myself why in the world I was "doing this again" all the time. Preparing and assuming the worst, but still attempting to trust the Lord who does everything for our good and to prosper us. I couldn't imagine Him allowing a second, consecutive death of a baby. I would tell myself, "No, stop, don't even go there." weekly, if not more, every time the thought entered into my head of putting together another funeral, seeing our baby die right in front of our eyes again and then going on with another year or grieving plus trying to get pregnant .....again.
Since Greyson's death was never really resolved, it seemed totally possible for death to strike again.
Spring went by with the dread of Greyson's first birthday approaching and us finding out the Lord was giving us another little girl, just as He said He would a few days after lil G died. We couldn't believe it. You know with the Lord, sometimes He tells you things that are for...later. I was totally ok with a boy, but knew in my heart that it would be torture to try and want to be pregnant again to have another little girl. So we were so thankful He answered so quickly-- a prayer I didn't even really dare pray.
Greyson's birthday came and it was awful, yet ok. God surrounded us with love and covered us in grace. We were thankful. After her birthday, time flew by and before we knew it, we were heading to the hospital to deliver our second little girl!
We showed up around 6a...everything got going by 9a, water broke at 10, got an epidural right before that, barely had to push twice and she was out after 2p. It was a quiet, yet very stressful and emotional day for us. Easiest labor in the WORLD compared to Greyson, though hers was also pretty quick, just not easy. I loved being able to cry and enjoy our new baby girl as soon as she was placed on me, instead of continue to writhe in pain!
During the pregnancy, I prayed she would come early, come quick, have lots of hair and that I would not tear during labor as I had with Greyson. The Lord answered ALL those prayers and I was so thankful. We had an amazing doctor and a very sweet compassionate nurse. I had also prayed for that. :)
We named our second little girl Blakely Eliana Hope, as most of you know. Her name means "In dark fields, my God answers with hope.". Very fitting of our last year.
Our little girl is now 3.5 weeks old, we love her to death. We deal with fear and anxiety. I have types of dread wash over me sometimes. I also assume the worst is about to happen (ie, falling down the stairs with her, waking up and her blue in the face, accidentally dropping her, car wrecks, etc.). Please pray for us that these things go away. Nights are the hardest, but definitely getting better. She sleeps in the middle of us in a "Snuggle Nest" that protects her from us and has breathable sides, etc. We leave a light on her face all night so we can just open our eyes and see she is moving and breathing, and she sleeps with a Snuza Hero on her diaper to monitor her breathing. These are just things that gives us a little piece of mind, we still aim to trust the Lord fully with the days of her life and the number of those days, it is just hard when you have the kind of trauma we have had.
I have never poked a baby so much in my life! But she is very tolerant and I know God made her just that way for us!
She is the smily-est baby ever! Before she was even 24 hours old, she had smiled at us a dozen times. She smiles so so so much and it is always as a response to our voices or laughs! I love it and am always thanking the Lord she is so joyful and sweet! Can't wait to see what kind of little girl she will turn out to be. Every night before I lay her down, we say our prayers about our character... I need that just as much as she will :)
We are so thankful the Lord brought us this little piece of Heaven to enjoy and to heal and bring us hope. :)