Monday, July 28, 2014

What a Difference a Year Can Make

We just finished celebrating our second daughter's 1st birthday yesterday.

What a joy it is to our hearts to be able to celebrate her....her full year of life.

After losing Greyson, I felt like there wouldn't be an ability to celebrate again. Pregnancy, birth, special dates, etc.
 It felt like death had swallowed up the joy that is supposed to be tied in with having children. All I had known was mostly pain.

We feel like the Lord has restored our hope with Blakely. Which is why we added that on to her name at the last minute.

Since we threw her a Luau (that she won't remember lol) the whole day was consumed with preparing and having fun at the party. I felt like I didn't get too much time to sit and reflect the miracle she is to my heart; how God has brought her to us to help heal and help us find joy and hope and a reason to celebrate again.

I was experiencing an array of emotions the week prior. I was so excited to throw her a party, so excited she was 1 now and out of the SIDS time frame, excited that she is getting bigger, sad she wasn't a baby baby anymore, sad her big sister couldn't be there to help celebrate, bittersweet when looking back over the past 2 years of carrying her and delivering her and taking care of her.

I remember the day she was born, we had the best Doctor and the most amazing Nurse. Both loved Jesus. So calming to me. Waiting from 9a-2p to push her out was the most stress and anxiety I had experienced the whole pregnancy. So thankful for the epidural to keep the physical pain at bay. I was busy enough trying not to have a panic attack; listening intently to her heartbeat.

All I had dreaded for 9 months was there...and my only hope was to come out of the next 36 hours with a living baby...
And praise the Lord, we did and we have her still.

We are so thankful for her and I am so excited to see the plans the Lord has for her. We will always celebrate the fact that the Lord chose to bless us with another baby so fast, and another little girl, to help heal our hearts.

(Sorry it's a bit blurry// a lil snuggly time before guests arrive)

Last year was a hard one at this time, preparing for her birth, trying to not get "too excited", but fighting the fear, grief, agony like a beast.  Then welcoming her into our family, trying to be a good parent despite the sadness still lingering and trying not to spoil her to much just because...we could. Fighting to enjoy and cherish every moment and not be in a perpetual state of fear every time we said good-night to her.

Within the last year, she has made me smile so often, laugh and find enjoyment in small little things. Her little squeaks and squished up nose smiles are heart-melting. Her little toes and the rolls on her legs, her cute little teeth, her beautiful eyes and starting-to-curl-perfectly dark hair--

...all of her is such a blessing to all of me.

SO thankful that days goes by and God allowed us to experience His love and grace and hope and mercy through His most precious gift.
(with the Greyson Bear) (2 weeks old)

One thing people would say after Greyson died, was that "time will heal" and "in time, it will get easier". I never believed them. I knew it'd get easier...for them. Not me.  I always felt so sad and hopeless wondering if I'd always feel this miserable forever.

 But, to be honest, in this last year of Blakely's life, I have felt that thing with time, as days go by, as we find joy in our second born little girl, the edge of sorrow from not having Greyson here with us is lessened.

 As each day goes by and we are able to enjoy her as gift, I feel so thankful that time has kept moving...and I have become so thankful in the difference a year can make.

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