Friday, January 25, 2013

1st Doctor Appointment

Had my 12/13 week appointment and Ultra Sound a few days ago.

I was pretty stressed the morning of and while waiting forever in the waiting room. All I cared about was hearing the heartbeat. I prayed that the doc could find it quickly and I could hear it.

With Greyson, the 1st doc I had, had trouble finding it, but she heard it very briefly and only enough so she was satisfied. I didn't hear it and enjoy it until about week 17.

Anyway, the morning of, I was having such bad stomach issues, I thought I wasn't going to be able to leave. I listened to Psalms as I got ready and that calmed my soul a little. I don't know what it is, but there are sometimes such strong emotions and nerves, they felt paralyzing that morning.  I felt like something was going to be wrong and I just wanted it over with.

I have a sweet friend who is a month behind me with their 2nd pregnancy, but 1st baby, they had their first doc appt same day, just earlier. She warned me by text that the medical history part and the questions from the nurses could be painful.

I had to mark down my history...

Previous pregnancies: 1. Living Children: 0.

Death to my soul.

Somehow the nurse missed that part of the information, came in, made small talk and started typing and filling out info. Then came over to me to take my blood pressure while looking directly at me and asking "How's your little one?!". I was completely taken aback and struggled to figure out what to say. I looked at her, then simply said, "Ohh, she didn't make it." Then looked away and started quietly sobbing. She was sweet and said she was sorry for my loss and then said that it was impossible to take my blood pressure because it was way too high.

There were a few moments of silence as my Mom and I cried together. I was lost in a vision of my little girl being there with us as cute lil 7 month old. Then I realized that I more than likely would not even be pregnant if she had have been alive. I wanted/needed a good break before "doing that" again, I told my husband in late May, right before Greyson was born.

Anyway, I got through the rest of it, talked with the doc and then finally it came time to hear the heartbeat. The only reason I was there.

He found it super quickly and the baby was exactly where I knew he was. I was so thankful and relieved. It was a very strong loud fast heartbeat. My heart felt so much joy.

During the appointment, the doctor was trying to say this was a "High Risk Pregnancy". I feel like that can be debated and I am still not sure what I think.  We are going with our sweet midwife from Greyson and will have her until week 32-33.

If week 32-33, finds baby #2 not continuing to grow, we will make other decisions. I have fine with WHATEVER. I just pray I can keep this baby.

Already this baby is much different than lil G. Measuring 5 days ahead of schedule! We are calling him, our lil "fatty". Haha. We think he's probably a boy, but we don't know and we literally do not care. We get to find out in March.

Sooo, I got to leave the office almost a week ahead of schedule, which to me is awesome. First of all, I feel so disgusting almost all the time, so to have 5 days off the seemingly endless 40 weeks countdown... is a miracle. Annnnd to have a baby bigger than normal rather than smaller than normal (like G) is such a God-thing, just a lil reminder from Him to me that He is in control and will work everything out for our good, including the growth of this baby.

So, we're just in love with our lil baby growing inside and so thankful, praying always to trust Jesus and His plan, rather than ours, and trying to rely on Him for strength to walk through these next 5/6 months with courage, vision, excitement, joy and to not rely on our own thoughts and fears to dominate. It is way too long of a time (carrying a baby to term) to be stuck in  anxiety or fear of "what if's". But, I also realize that those emotions, along with many others, will be present, and it's my job to work them out and pray them out.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."   Phil 4:8

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

1 comment:

  1. ...enjoyed reading this. so sorry for the pain you continue to walk through, but also so thankful for the work the Lord is doing in you through the pain and for a miracle of this "lil' fatty!" ;) love ya.