Bitterness

This week, especially yesterday, God begin revealing to me my bitterness again.

1. I have struggled with bitterness over losing my lil' baby.

2. Bitterness and envy over watching almost every single one of my friends deliver healthy babies since June.

3. Bitterness over what a few people have said and what some have not said since losing our little girl.

Yesterday, I was working on the last 2. I'm just tired of seeing it over and over.

I am totally happy for my friends, but to be honest, it is a very surfacy happiness. It doesn't go down deep, it is not rejoicing with them. Every time a friend has a baby, it takes me a few days to "get over it".

It's even worse when the last 2 bitterness issues are connected. Which happened about a month ago.
A ...friend... decided to send me the text announcement along with a picture of her newborn baby girl. After disappearing/putting barely any effort into our relationship the past 6 months. That was hard to take.  Needless to say, there was no response on my behalf. I could not do it. Eeee.

Now, when it is a true friend who is having a baby, I actually am happy for them. I am a lil envious. But I acknowledge it. I congratulate them. Then there's a minor distance for a lil while.
I will say, it does make it much easier that I am 1/3 done with baking baby #2, and soon I will have another baby in my arms.

But, I have decided that it's not for me to really visit while you have your newborn, or go out with you and your new baby, and I have really no desire to hold your baby. The last baby I held was mine, the next one I will hold, will be mine.

Plus, I am terrified of the emotions that will come out while holding a healthy baby that is not mine. It could be dangerous. And I will just wait til next July/August to deal with those. By myself. With my husband. With my new baby. Ohh, scary.

Yesterday, I was with a fellow baby-loss Mom, and we unfortunately got to venting over people who had disappointed us during the worst time of our lives; who had done really stupid things; and said some of the stupidest things ever at the worst times ever.
We had to cut our hang-out time on that note, without ever really encouraging each other to move past that.
The whole drive home, God was convicting me...

He has asked me repeatedly to stop talking about the 2 main people who have really urked me since losing lil G. But it just always seem to weave itself into certain conversations. Sadly.

As I was driving, these 2 verses came to my mind:
1. The more talk, the less the meaning. (Ecc 6:11)
2. When words are many, sin is not absent. He who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)

Then my friend and I touched base later just addressing our attitudes, and the theme of our text conversation was to remind ourselves that we fail and disappoint Jesus all the stinkin time...and yet, He loves us. He loves us deeply. And when one person says dumb things or one person chooses to ignore your pain, we immediately are offended and "over it". At least I am.

So, God has been reminding me of His great love and how the more I know Him, the more I should be like Him. He loves us deeply, can I love these few people deeply...from my heart? Can I forgive them truly? Forgive them with all my heart, mind, soul, strength? Once and for all? Move on, move forward? Stop bringing it up? Ask the Lord to help me forget? These are all the things I am praying over myself regarding these few people.

It's a process. Even though, I have spoken the words out loud ( I forgive them!)...um, it definitely takes way more than that. At least with me. At least with this situation.

Colossians 3:7-8
You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of all anger....

 James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of (it)...

 Proverbs 15:28
The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.


So, pray for me as I walk through this part of the process. I don't want bitterness to have a root in my heart over a few people who truly should have no power over my heart.

I feel like it's time to move forward, leaving those people...and their words and attitudes IN the past. God has more. He has blessed me with people who might not know what to say, but are there for me, who listen, acknowledge my pain, say sweet things, not stupid things.

I am thankful for them. And I believe I am supposed to focus on them, rather that the others. :)