Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Be at Rest my Soul

I've been thinking a lot on the word, "Soul" since my little baby died.

 I have read a lot of verses that talk about the "anguish in your soul" or "love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul". Job- "my bitter soul must complain." or David- "You will not leave my soul among the dead."

Isaiah 57 talks about God, being the maker of our souls. I've heard people say that our hearts and souls are the same. But, I believe our hearts are just our hearts that beat. Our souls make up our being, who we are. So, instead of saying "She has a really sweet heart" You'd really mean "Soul".

(I feel like I sound like I'm teaching a lesson. Haha...)

The two most important decisions we can make with our souls are these 2 things:

1. Believing in Jesus as our Savior; Savior of our souls.
 2. Choosing whom we marry. Whom we marry, we mingle our souls with.

(Mingling of Souls- which is "Dode" in Hebrew. It means "My beloved, my friend, my close one, my dear one, my intimate one, my kindred")

God takes the love you have with your spouse to create another soul, or really a house or body for Him to place a soul in. It's so strange to think of it that way, but so sweet.

 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." - Jeremiah 1:5. So, he knows us (our souls) before we're even formed in the womb!

That is crazy! So, he knew Greyson even before we got to know her...and he knows her little sibling, as well. He is forming this baby now, I love that thought.

I've thought a lot about this because I've thought a lot about why it mattered to be pregnant for 9 months only to create a body her soul would only be in for 2 days. Wouldn't it have been the same even just as miscarriage? Yep.
 I know her lil soul is with Jesus and that is where I will be when I die. It's not just, "Myssi is no more" or "Greyson is no more". Our souls matter.
I am learning to leave that question (why 9 months for 2 days?) behind and trust that Jesus had her days numbered even in the womb. AND Jesus has this baby's days numbered already, too. I so hope this baby's day outlast mine! 

I've thought about this a lot because it's sometimes so painful to think about my lil baby's body and how holding her until her lil heart stopped was one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. And how it felt to just sit there and hold her even though I knew she was gone and her body was already turning cold. I hate thinking of that day. But, as I have mentioned before, I knew Jesus showed up and took her from me. So, I know He has her. Even if He hadn't have given me that vision, I'd still believe it.

We chose to cremate her, and when my husband and I have our own land, we will be burying that lil pink box hopefully under a pink dogwood tree. She has one planted at her Nana and Papa's house, and I can't wait to see it bloom with pretty pink flowers in April.

But, needless to say, my only hope in this tragedy, is in her soul being with the Lord in Heaven, waiting for me and her Daddy to get there, enjoying the Paradise that God created it to be for us, living in her mansion and being taken care of by all my friends and even angels, until we get there.

"For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave." (Psalm 16:10)

  On the flip-side, I feel like my soul is still continuing to heal from losing Greyson. But, I actually don't know if it will really ever heal. I feel like it has suffered anguish it never wanted to suffer and can never been restored until I'm with her again. Since she is part of me, and she is gone, part of me is gone with her, too.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." (Psalm 31:7) 
Thank the Lord! That He sees me and cares about the anguish my soul is working through.

People say having another baby will really "help". And I believe that to some extent. But I will always be thinking about her. I just know I will busier, fulfilled, happier; being a Mom to a baby on earth, so maybe I won't have time to think about her as often. ( I am praying this baby brings our souls laughter, joy and healing.) There will always be something missing, not enough to keep me from living and enjoying life, but just... missing.

It's sometimes soo sad to me to think about continuing on without her. Bringing another baby into our family when she is not here to welcome her lil sibling home, and be best friends with him or her, breaks my heart into a million pieces. She would've been barely 1 years old and had no idea what was going on, but .... I would've loved it. :)

God says in Deuteronomy to search for him with all your heart and soul, and to love Him (the Lord your God) with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
 I have sought to seek Him above all else while walking through Greyson's death.
Some days, I have had victory. Some days, I have failed. I have blamed Him. I have hated Him at times. He is always right there though...to forgive me, wipe my tears, heal my brokenness, pick me up and revive my soul. Without Him, I'd be so stuck.

I've tried to keep myself in His Word, and have found that just reading the Bible has helped my soul heal. In Psalms it says, "The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul" and in Proverbs, it says, His Words (and wisdom) have the power to refresh my soul! And if I let God teach me, I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:29)

In another place in Proverbs, God calls Himself the one  who guards our souls.   And also, He is our Shepherd, the Guardian of our souls. (1 Peter)  I love that!

In Matthew it says to not be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Scary, but true!) And then he says again in Matthew, is ANYTHING more important/worth more than your soul? And what do you gain if you gain the whole world, yet lose your soul? (Mark 8)

In Hebrews, God says He is our Hope- "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."

 "The reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:9

I entrusted my soul to the Lord as a lil girl and then again when I was a little older. I am so thankful that I am His daughter and Greyson is His daughter and He loves her even better than I could right now.

We are so thankful the Lord has entrusted us with another lil soul... hopefully one we get to keep and watch over and guard and shepherd. :) We will be accountable to God for each soul he blesses us with. That is crazy to think about!
"Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God."  (Hebrews 13:17) (Spiritual Leaders/Pastors/Parents, etc)

 I will end with this verse that I have repeated to myself over and over and over and over throughout the past 7 months... (found in Psalms 116)

"Be at rest o my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me."

AND this song by Jesus Culture...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me x3
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-one-thing-remains-lyrics.html ]
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love.

Love it! 

1 comment:

  1. Myssi,
    I needed to read this today. I had tears in my eyes but kept thinking, "YES, YES, YES." Thanks for sharing!