Dark Fields + Restored Souls

Today, my husband found a "new" picture of our baby on his phone. It was really just one we hadn't seen for a long time.
I took his phone and just stared at the picture for the longest time, studying her, her lil face and fingers and wishing sooooooooo desperately I could touch her skin, hold her close, feel how she felt in my arms.

I realized that my body literally aches for her.

I have never wanted to jump through a phone screen so bad in my life and disappear back into the 1 precious day we were blessed with her. I am so thankful I have eternity to look forward to. My arms fill so empty these days, and have ever since June 13th. I pray for the Lord to fill them.

I am so thankful the last memory I have of her alive and perfect was in my arms nursing her. She was born in the evening, so she slept on me both nights. The 2nd night, she nursed herself to sleep, and I was on night #4 of no sleep, so we both fell asleep in that position. She could wake up anytime she wanted a snack and I could doze in and out. I am so thankful for that last memory...

Today, my family and I served a meal at a Mission and an old boss of mine was there. I avoid people from the past like the plague. People from the past who don't know anything about my life and will ask questions, such as the dreaded, "Do you have any children?". The easy way out is to say "No", but my heart never lets me, so then I stand there, cannot hold back the tears and make the person feel so terrible for asking. Completely not my intention.
So, in case you were wondering....that happened.

It does bring up good points of conversation though... conversations about God, His perfect plan, His timing, and most importantly, eternity. I struggle through each conversation about my daughter with the hope that anything that comes out my mouth may bless them or plant a seed. I wonder how though, considering I am just a mess sometimes. I can't get through saying, "We had a baby girl in June, but she passed away". As those words flow out my mouth, my heart suddenly remembers how sad I am and out flow streams of tears. Ugh.

Today was the 3rd official Holiday without her, July 4th, Halloween and now, Thanksgiving. I have realized it's the "leading up to" that is the hardest, the actual day hasn't been so hard. The Lord is always so good to keep us enjoying the day and busy enjoying family, but I still think about her constantly and wonder what it would be like if she was here, as a cute little 5 month old.

I just want to get through Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and her Birthday & Heaven-day now. It's so tempting to wish these times away, but I know the Lord desires me to enjoy each day He gives and enjoy and praise Him for His presence. He knows these days will be excruciating, but He is able to give joy and hope.

I know the Lord answers out of the darkest spaces and fields. That is where He is with me right now.

.....Trying to teach me to find a way to simply enjoy the little things

....Trying to teach me to be thankful for everything and to understand this is just a season.

...Trying to teach me to lay down in green pastures and allow Him to restore my soul...